


Dark Memories

by Trammel



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Avengers Family, BAMF JARVIS, BAMF Nick Fury, BAMF Tony Stark, BDSM, Bottom Tony, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Consensual Kink, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Everybody watches Grey's Anatomy, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hulk Feels, Hulk Talks, Hurt Tony, Jarvis (Iron Man movies) Feels, Love, M/M, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Natasha Romanov & Tony Stark Friendship, Non-Consensual Violence, OFC - Freeform, OMC - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Avengers, Protective Hulk, Protective Jarvis (Iron Man movies), Protective Rhodey, Rape Recovery, Rhodey Is a Good Bro, Self-Harm, Smoking, Spanking, This Is My Ship and It Has Wrecked Me, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Top Bruce, Torture, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-01
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2018-02-19 12:17:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 48
Words: 142,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2387966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trammel/pseuds/Trammel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Bruce have been together six months, when something Bruce does triggers memories in Tony that he never wanted. Tony is not good at dealing with his feelings, but Bruce does his best to help him through it. Eventually Bruce confides in the team. Then someone from Tony's past returns to make things worse...</p><p>"It wasn't anything really, Tony knew that Bruce would never hurt him. But…but those words…they were so close to the other words, those words that he heard in his nightmares, spoken in a smooth voice, by hot breath in his ear tinged with the smell of cigars and large hands holding him down. Bruising him. Forcing him."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Good Boy

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning - past abuse/rape/child abuse. Please leave comments, even constructive criticism. And I don't do science, so all the science mistakes will be mine.  
> I love Hurt!Tony, but I am working towards a "happy" ending ;)
> 
> Update Dec. 10, 2017 - I am updating the story at least once a month. I can't promise more than that, sorry. But I will finish it. It is all planned out and a lot of future chapters are already written. 
> 
> After consulting with the fanstastic [hellogaywatson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/hellogaywatson/pseuds/hellogaywatson), I have changed my timeline a bit. Watson suggested using All I've Got as a canon prequel to this, and I'm all for that. So, as I had All I've Got taking place a year after Avengers (May 2013), then this story starts in November 2013 (whereas originally I had it taking place in November 2012, but I think that's a little too soon.) So I changed the references to the suits Tony's working on, moving them up from the Mark VIII to the Mark XXII.

Bruce's hands were all over him, Bruce's length sliding inside him, and it was wonderful. Bruce grabbed a handful of Tony's hair and pulled. Tony liked that, he really did.

Bruce had been hesitant at first when Tony had explained what he wanted, had shown him how it could be when Bruce was in control. And Tony could give up control, give in to Bruce, to Bruce's hands on him, Bruce's body inside him… With Tony restrained, the big guy was completely in control, and Bruce taking control was a beautiful, _delicious_ thing.

So, of course, when Bruce finally agreed, Tony immediately designed special biometric restraints that could be opened with Bruce's thumbprint. They'd used them several times, and Tony was really really enjoying being powerless in Bruce's hands.

Bruce's hands ran over the length of Tony's muscled back, his nails digging in slightly. The engineer practically purred. Bruce chuckled, increasing his pace, digging his fingers into Tony's shoulders.

"Oh," Bruce gasped, "You like that? That's good, that's so good."

Tony was lost in the sensations, better than flying in his latest suit. Bruce kissed his shoulder, then bit, ever so gently. Tony growled. Bruce sucked at his neck, getting rougher, marking him. It was good, so good.

But then he felt Bruce's lips near his ear, and Bruce whispered softly, "Yeah, you're my good boy, aren't you Tony."

_You're my good boy._

It wasn't anything really, Tony knew that Bruce would never hurt him. But…but those words…they were so close to the other words, those words that he heard in his nightmares, spoken in a smooth voice, by hot breath in his ear tinged with the smell of cigars and large hands holding him down. Bruising him. Forcing him.

Hurting him.

_You're my good boy. Show me you can be good._

Too close. Too close!

Tony froze. "Shawarma," he gasped. Their safe word, which Bruce had jokingly come up with. "Shawarma." He felt his chest constricting, memories he never wanted assailing him. It felt as if the arc reactor had been ripped from his chest and his heart was exploding. He had to escape.

Bruce stopped immediately. He eased out of Tony and removed his hands from Tony's body, and moved like lightning to unlock the restraints on Tony's wrists, freeing Tony's hands.

Tony sat up, curling his arms around himself.

Just trying to breathe.

Bruce was staring at him, his beautiful, kind eyes wide and terrified. Tony could tell that he had no idea what was happening. Tony wanted to reassure him, explain, but he couldn't speak. Couldn't _breathe._

_"_ Tony, what-?" Bruce raised a hand out to touch Tony but stopped inches from Tony's arms.

Tony just shook his head and leapt off the bed, running for the bathroom, without even grabbing his t-shirt. Once inside, he managed to  gasp out, "Jarvis, lock the door. No one gets in," before he found himself hunched over the toilet, hurling.

Just puking his fucking guts out.

Those memories were sharp, so sharp. Cutting him to pieces. In the past, anytime those memories tried to pop up, he just drank more or spent more or drove faster, or fucked harder. So why this? Why now? Was it because he was with Bruce, who he actually gave a shit about? He actually felt emotions for?

Tony almost laughed at the thought. Laughed at himself. Oh, shit, introspection was definitely not fun. Not his thing. As if confirming the idea, his stomach heaved again, and he held himself over the toilet. but it was only dry heaves now, pain wracking his stomach.  He lifted his arm, using his hand to steady himself against the marble cabinets. His head was spinning and he was shaking so bad he could hardly hold the towel he grabbed with his other hand to wipe his mouth.

He heard Bruce calling him, arguing with Jarvis, but couldn't focus on the words. Couldn't focus on anything.

Slowly he crawled, still naked, just the towel to cover himself, to the corner of the cavernous bathroom, curling into a niche next to the hot tub, his back propped against the cold tile, his arms around his knees, holding himself and trying to stop the shaking.

He tried closing his eyes, but that was worse. That way he could _see,_ he could _remember._

_"You're my good boy, aren't you Tony?" Those hands, bigger than his, stronger than him, holding him down, and that voice, that always made him terrified and excited at the same time._

_He said no, he fought, but he was smaller, weaker. Always weaker._

_Then, for such a long time, he had tried to be a good boy, and had been betrayed anyway._

No! Tony shook his head, trying to shake out the memories. _Not anymore! Never again!_

Breathe. Breathe. He had to breathe.

In. Out

In. Out.

That's how it worked, right? He seemed to have forgotten. The pain in his chest was so strong.

In the background, he heard Bruce's voice getting louder, yelling, but he couldn't answer. He just couldn't.

In. Out.

In. Out.

"Sir" Jarvis interrupted. Jarvis' voice was soothing. "Dr. Banner is being most insistent on entering. He is very concerned."

Breathe.

Tony didn't answer.

"Sir, you are experiencing a panic attack," the soothing yet somehow annoying voice told him.

_No_ _shit_? Tony thought. _Tell_ _me something I don't know._ So, some sarcastic part of his brain was still working, thank god. He hadn't completely lost his mind.

"It would be safer if you were not alone."

He took a shallow breath, tried to speak. "I can't. I can't…"

" _Sir,"_ Jarvis was changing his tone, getting more insistent, having learned untold information about handling Tony over the years. "Dr. Banner is threatening to transform into his alter ego if I do not open the door. I believe that would be highly dangerous for both of you." As Tony didn't answer, Jarvis tried again. "He is extremely concerned for your welfare."

Oh god, couldn't they all just leave him alone and let him die in peace, Tony thought. But then, incredibly, another part of his brain woke up. The rational part, a voice of reason. He didn't even know that that part of his brain existed. But it did. And it said to him, _no, you idiot, Bruce won't leave you alone. He won't let you die. He loves you._

_Even if you don't deserve it._

Tony swallowed and somehow managed to get some more words out between his desperate gasps for air.

"Ok." Gasp.  Breathe. In. Out.

"Let him in."


	2. Good Drugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony has gone back to a dark place. Bruce tries to comfort him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always welcome... :)

Bruce was terrified, using all his strength and energy to keep the Other Guy calm. The Other Guy wanted to kill!smash!destroy! Hurt whoever had hurt Tony. Protect Shellhead.

When Tony used the safe word, for a moment Bruce thought he was sick. But the look in Tony's eyes before he bolted out of the room was pure terror. Tony was scared. Scared shitless. And Bruce had no idea what he had done to scare him.

After he argued with Jarvis until he thought he would explode into his green rage monster, as Tony so eloquently described the Other Guy, after an eternity of feeling like he was going to die if he didn't get to Tony, the door finally whooshed open.

Of course, the bathroom was bigger than most houses he'd lived in, and at first he couldn't even see Tony.

"To your right, Dr. Banner," came Jarvis' cool voice.

Bruce looked and what he saw was not good. So not good.

Tony was in a corner, naked except for a towel thrown across his lap, legs curled up against his chest, his arms crossed around himself, shaking like a leaf. Tony. _His_ Tony. The cockiest man in the world. In the fucking galaxy. His head rested against the wall, his eyes wide and unfocused.

Bruce grabbed a robe off a hook, covering himself quickly as he moved closer to Tony. He didn't want Tony to feel threatened in any way.

"Jarvis, raise the temperature by 5 degrees." He didn't think Tony's shaking had anything to do with the temperature, but he had run out of the bedroom naked.

Bruce reached Tony and slowly knelt in front of him. "Tony?" he said in the softest voice possible. Those gorgeous eyes focused on him, still wide with terror. "What happened? Did I do something wrong? Did I…"

Tony shook his head, holding Bruce's eyes. Thank God, but why? Bruce was trying to understand what the hell had happened. But he was so scared that his brain was working slowly. Ok, just examine all the evidence. What had happened to reduce Tony to this shaking, frightened mess? What had he done? Tony was clearly having a panic attack or a flashback to something else…

Then, all of a sudden, his brain kicked into high gear, putting all the pieces together, and he _knew._

And he had to force himself not to be sick.

"Can I touch you Tony?" he asked calmly. He held out his hand, as if he was dealing with a frightened animal. Or a child. _Oh God._

Tony gave the slightest, smallest nod. He was still gasping for breath, still hurting so much.

"Ok. It's ok. I'm right here." As slowly and delicately as he could, Bruce sat down in the small space next to Tony, then wrapped his arm around Tony's back and pulled Tony close to his chest, Tony's face pressed against his left shoulder.

"I understand. It's okay." He slowly began to rub Tony's bare back, trying to soothe, hoping to stop the trembling somewhat. With his other arm he pulled Tony tightly against him. "Nobody's going to hurt you. I'm here." Bruce both felt and heard Tony's breath catch, and Tony reached his right hand up to grab onto Bruce's arm, holding on for dear life. Then Tony - _Tony -_  was sobbing against his chest and the trembling was taking him over.

"You're safe Tony. You're safe. I'm here." Tony didn't speak, just cried. Bruce was holding back his own tears, his heart breaking. For a while there was only the sound of the engineer's sobs, Bruce trying to soothe him as well as he could.

"Dr. Banner?"

"Yes, Jarvis?"

"May I suggest an injection of chlordiazepoxide? Sir's heart rate is still well above normal levels. I am concerned he is not getting enough oxygen."

"Yeah, that would be good." Bruce couldn't believe how comforting it was to have the AI helping him. He felt so lost. At least Tony trusted him, that was clear by the way Tony was clinging to him, letting Bruce hold him. "Tony?" He looked down at Tony. "Can you look at me?"

Tony lifted his head to meet Bruce's eyes.

"Do you want something to help you relax?" Bruce realized he was talking to Tony as if he weren't a genius. Normally such a generic word as "something" would never appear in their vocabulary. Maybe only when they were talking to Steve. But the genius had temporarily checked out of Tony's eyes. They were inhabited by someone Bruce had never seen before.

"Yes," Tony whispered. He squeezed Bruce's arm. "Please."

"Ok. I'm just going to get it. Hold on. Ok?" Tony nodded and let Bruce get up.

Tony propped himself back against the wall. _Please…_ The memories were sharp, pierced things, like the shrapnel trying to get into his heart, but were stabbing his brain. He would take anything to stop them. A couple of bottles of scotch would be nice. Or maybe some heroin.

Bruce took the syringe from the slot in the wall that opened up on Jarvis' command. He pulled another plush robe from off a wall hook, and went back to Tony, kneeling before him.

"I'm just going to inject - in your thigh."

Tony nodded, and Bruce plunged the syringe down, then tossed it aside. He held the robe up to Tony, who shifted a bit and held up his arm for Bruce to slip into the sleeve. Tony was still shaking, but he let Bruce put the robe on him and tie it tightly around him.

Bruce sat back down and took Tony in his arms again. He rubbed slow circles on Tony's back.

"This ok?" He didn't know what to do. He could only hope he was helping.

Tony grunted against his chest. "Good. 'S good."

Jarvis had raised the temperature, and Bruce could feel the room warming up. With the effects of the shot, Tony's breathing gradually began to slow to a more normal pace.

Tony felt the drugs working, that and Bruce's arms warming him up. Bruce was solid and strong and his arms around him felt safe. He'd always felt safe with Bruce. The breathing thing was working better. Tony took a deep breath. He smelled Bruce's scent, warm and safe, even though he knew Bruce was afraid. He burrowed closer to Bruce's chest, curly hairs tickling his nose.

"Hey," Bruce's voice was calm. His hand moved up from Tony's back to stroke his hair. "Why don't we get off the floor, ok? Warm you up a bit. We'll go-" Bruce thought quickly, "to the couch."

Bruce helped him up, keeping his arms around Tony. _Oh,_ the drugs were strong; he stumbled but Bruce held him up, anchoring him. They made it out through the bedroom to the living room and to the couch. Bruce helped Tony lie down. He sank gratefully into the soft cushions.

"Jarvis, Die Hard 2," Bruce ordered. He knew Tony liked to watch stuff getting blown up when he was stressed out. They'd had a few arguments because Bruce preferred the Discovery channel. The large screen immediately came on and Tony's glazed eyes tried to focus on it.

"I'll be right back," Bruce said, moving quickly back to the bedroom to pull a comforter out of the closet.  Tony was calmer, but still shaking. He needed warmth.

When Bruce came back to the couch, he covered Tony with the comforter. Tony grabbed his arm and pulled him down to sit, then placed his head in Bruce's lap. "Oh, wow, these are good drugs," Tony said.

Bruce felt his own breath catch at that. At least Tony was talking. A silent Tony was the scariest thing he'd ever seen. Much much worse than aliens.

He stroked Tony's hair. "I'm right here. You're ok."

They stayed like that for a while, watching Bruce Willis kick ass, and Tony gradually stopped shaking. After the first plane crashed into the snow, Bruce saw Tony's eyes slowly closing, those dark lashes against his cheek. And, finally, Tony was asleep.

Bruce kept one hand on Tony, and raised the other to catch the tears that started down his own face. He stayed awake for a long time, not moving from Tony's side.


	3. Good Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning, Tony tries to deal with Bruce having seen him at his worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive the ridiculous thing I'm doing with chapter titles, I just couldn't help myself. And please let me know if there are spelling mistakes - I hate spelling mistakes. And comments comments comments, pretty please!

Tony realized two things before he opened his eyes. First, he wasn't in his bed - which wasn't unusual for him at all, so no worries there. Second, he felt like he'd seriously tied one on the night before - also not unusual. But the thing was he didn't remember drinking much last night.

Everything was pretty fuzzy, actually. He didn't remember much at all about the night before.

He cracked his eyes open. Sensing Tony's movement, Jarvis automatically raised the shades to half mast, letting in some morning light. Tony saw Bruce's legs and felt the soft fabric of one of his robes against his face. They were on the couch?

He lifted his head to get a better look around. Definitely the living room. Bruce was deeply asleep, lolling against the corner of the couch, and Tony was sprawled halfway on top of him.

 _Huh._ For a glorious moment Tony was suspended in not-knowing-not-remembering - then his brain woke up and gifted him the whole horrendous shitstorm of memories from the night before. Except in flashes. Fuzzy flashes, still.

The pain. The shaking.

The _puking._

 _Oh shit. Oh fucking fuck._ And Bruce had seen it all, been there through it all.

God, he was too sober to think about this stuff.

"Jarvis, coffee," Tony whispered. He didn't want to wake Bruce, after all he had put him through the night before. Actually, Tony didn't really want to wake up his brain more than it was, but he really needed coffee. He got up, doing his best not to jostle Bruce, and picked up the comforter where it had fallen, draping it over the sleeping man.

Tony padded across the room to the bar, and poured his coffee, adding a generous dose of whiskey. He sat on a stool and took a few sips. Ah, that was much better.

 _Ok, take stock, Stark_ , he said to himself. He felt like he had a hell of a hangover, but that was it for the moment. He wasn't shaking, he wasn't puking, so that was good. No sharp, piercing torture in his brain. For now.

Another big sip.

 _But, shit._ Tony shook his head. He had never had a meltdown like that in front of anybody before. Rhodey had seen him at bad times; Rhodey knew about his father, the beatings, all that shit. Pepper had definitely seen him freak out a lot, but for other reasons (yeah, the little matters of being kidnapped and having his heart ripped out in a cave…), but not about the other stuff. Never the other stuff. _Nobody_ knew about the other stuff.

A small, scared voice popped up inside him. _What would Bruce think of him now?_

Tony drank again, trying to drown out that voice. Bruce had been there through the whole thing. Tony remembered his arms around him, his soothing voice.

Then, after a moment, that strange, reasonable part of his brain spoke up again.

_Yes. Bruce had been there. He stayed with you. He almost Hulked out to get to you. To help you._

_He was there. He didn't ask you any unanswerable questions. He didn't demand answers. He just kept saying, "You're safe. I'm here". And he took care of you, you moron._

_He took really good care of you._

"Jarvis, green tea," Tony ordered. "The weird stuff Bruce likes."

"Right away, Sir."

When it was ready, Tony picked up his coffee in his left hand and grabbed Bruce's tea in the other, then went over to the couch. He set down his coffee, sat next to Bruce, and held the steaming tea in front of his face.

Bruce shook his head and opened his eyes. "Oh, hi."

"Hi. Here." Tony handed him the tea. "It's your weird green tea stuff."

"Thank you," Bruce smiled. He sat up straighter, groaning at the pain in his back. His eyes took in Tony and his coffee cup. "Just coffee?" he asked pointedly.

"You'd deny me my morning drink?" There it was, the sarcastic part of his brain waking.

"Oh no, just, those drugs were pretty strong. You should be careful." Tony could tell that Bruce was trying to tread carefully with his words. Damn. He didn't want that.

"Those were good drugs. I totally approve." Tony leaned back into the couch and continued sipping his coffee. Then Bruce turned serious eyes to him. Oh no. Hell no.

"What?"

"Just wondering how you're feel-" Bruce started.

Tony put his hands up in a dismissive gesture. "Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. There'll be none of that." He cut Bruce off quickly.

"None of what?" Bruce was rightfully confused.

"None of… none of… how are you _feeling_ and all that crap. Argh! I'm not gonna get all touchy-feely and _SHARE_ now," Tony rolled his eyes. He took another big sip of his "coffee", then set it on the coffee table and jumped up from the couch, all fidgety energy. "And if you....," he wagged his finger at Bruce. "If you...if you try to get me to - to - tell you "how I _feel",_ or, even worse, if you try to treat me like I'm fragile or something, I'll… sell you to S.H.I.E.L.D. and let them perform vivisection on you. And I'll happily watch!" Tony gestured adamantly.

This was angry, snarky Tony, and Bruce was so so happy to see this Tony that he burst out laughing.

Tony looked at him, actually confused. "How does that warrant a laugh?"

Bruce smiled at him with warm eyes. "Because it's you. It's just so you, Tony. I wouldn't expect you to say anything different. And I get it. I really get it. It's ok".

Tony paused his tirade. Bruce always managed to surprise him in the most positive ways. Even when he knew he was driving Bruce crazy, the man kept his cool, and always, always warmed Tony with those eyes. Even when he was angry, his eyes told Tony that everything was ok. So of course now Bruce's eyes were warm and he sounded like he really meant it.

 _So shut up, idiot,_ the voice in his head told him.

"Oh. Well, ok then".

"Ok." Bruce continue to sip his weird tea. Realizing that he wouldn't have to have a fight, Tony sat back on the couch and picked up his coffee again. A few moments passed in silence. Then Bruce spoke up again. "So, _physically,_ how are you feeling?"

Tony could hear the slight teasing in Bruce's tone and loved him for it. So instead of another snarky comment, that reasonable part of his brain answered for him. "I just feel really hungover. But that's all, really." Bruce nodded, not pushing it.

Tony took Bruce's free hand in his, looking down at their entwined fingers. "Thank you," he almost whispered. In answer, Bruce squeezed his hand.

Hard.

Really really hard.

Tony looked up at him and finally saw how frightened Bruce was. Realized how scared he must have been the night before. And he had stayed so so cool. "Thank you," Tony repeated, unable to say anything else.

Bruce was shaking his head. "I didn't - ," his voice was rough, cracking. He cleared his throat. "I didn't know what to do. I didn't."

"No, no." Tony reassured him, squeezing back. "You were great. You were fucking awesome. Really."

Bruce sighed, then put down his tea and grabbed Tony's coffee from his hand, taking a big gulp. Tony smiled at that.

"Ok. I know you don't want to "share". I totally get that. But, you know you could have told me. I mean, you can tell me stuff. Or not. Whatever you want. Alright?"

Tony just nodded at that, feeling like he had gone beyond his quota of verbalizing his actual feelings for the day.

Fortunately for Tony, Jarvis interrupted the silence. "Sir, I remind you of the board meeting at Stark Industries at 9:30. Happy will be arriving at 9."

"Right." Tony stood up. "I'll just get dressed then," he said to Bruce, and started for his bedroom. But after a few steps, he found Bruce standing in his way. He didn't know the man could move so quickly. Bruce was deliberately blocking his path.

"Tony?"

"Huh?" Tony was already thinking about the boring day ahead. He hated meetings.

"Food." Bruce said, as if it were an order. Tony waved his hands, dismissing the idea.

"Later."

Bruce moved closer into Tony's personal space. "You gotta eat."

"What did I say about treating me like I'm fragile".

"This isn't treating you like you're fragile, you idiot. This is treating you like I give a shit about you. How many times in the last six months have I broken in on you working to make you eat something?"

"That's easy, forty- oh."

"Yeah - oh." Bruce smiled.

"So, what are you proposing?"

"Well, if you want to take a shower, I can have some huevos rancheros ready when you're done".

One of Tony's favorites. Banner was playing dirty. Tony raised his arms in surrender. "Ok, you win."

"Good. Now go shower, billionaires are not supposed to show up at meetings in their bathrobes."

"Yes, mommy," Tony smiled, and headed off to the bathroom.

Bruce watched him go, just reminding himself to breathe.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.


	4. Good Eggs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony tries introspection again and finds that it might not kill him. Bruce tries to deal with what he's found out about Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's another short chapter, but life keeps getting in the way of my writing. Please please please comment.

Tony leaned against the wall of the shower, letting the waterfall-like jets flow over his body. He'd turned the water temperature to almost scalding, trying to erase the memory of the cold he'd felt the night before. That had been…bad. He closed his eyes but didn't feel the dark memories attacking him for the moment. He remembered how warm Bruce's arm's felt around him. Solid and safe.

The hot water was calming, and for a moment Tony wasn't scared to think about _stuff_. He and Bruce were a surprise. He never expected to have a _relationship_  with a man. He'd never let a man into his bed - literally, not in his bed. His hookups with guys had always occurred in clubs or cars or - once, he smiled to himself - on his jet, but no beds. Especially not his bed. And now, he realized, lately he didn't like sleeping - actually sleeping! - without Bruce next to him.

From the moment he met Bruce he felt that connection - realized it was a lot more than just him being interested in Banner's brain. They were "soul mates", if such a thing existed. And he was happy to accept that in any form that it took - friends, lab partners, science bros, or, as time passed and he got to know Bruce better, much more. He just wanted Bruce around. He made Tony happy. And not "blowing shit up" happy, not "crazy sex" happy, not "beating everybody else at everything" happy, but real happy. Which wasn't something Tony could actually define, but he knew it when he felt it. When Tony was around Bruce, he could actually forget himself once in a while, something he had never done for anyone else in the universe.

 _He's good for you, you idiot._ There came the voice again.

Wait a minute, Tony thought. Bruce was the only one in the world who could call him an idiot and get away with it. The only one who could call him an idiot and make it sound like an endearment. Then Tony realized and he laughed softly. That voice in his head, that reasonable, rational, _kind_ voice in his head was Bruce's voice. Trying to take care of him. _Holy shit._

Hmm. Maybe introspection didn't always have to feel like dying.

* * *

Tony came out to the kitchen, in his full billionaire attire, right down to cufflinks that probably cost more than Bruce had ever spent on a car. He ran his hands through his hair to give it the right - just mussed look. Bruce was putting two heaped plates of huevos rancheros on the table. Tony sat down and picked up his fork.

"Wow, you make a great wife." He smirked at Bruce.

"Thank you dear," Bruce teased back. He gave Tony a pointed look as he poured a large coffee, and just coffee, and set it in front of Tony before sitting down himself. Tony stopped himself from rolling his eyes and just drank without complaining.

After watching Tony take a few bites of breakfast, Bruce just jumped back into the middle of their last conversation about upgrading the Mark XXII, which they'd had the day before. "So where are you with the latest modifications?"  Tony answered without even thinking.

"I'm still having some problems with the repulsor rates." He went on and he and Bruce easily fell into their "normal" conversation - talking with and over each other, finishing each other's sentences, making connections that probably nobody else in the world could make, just being normal with each other and it was so great, so after a while Tony looked down and realized that he had cleaned his plate.  He took a big gulp of his just-coffee and thought that he might actually survive the day.

"…and then we can calibrate the-" Bruce trailed off, having noticed that Tony had gone quiet. But Tony wasn't upset. He put his coffee down and just looked at Bruce, his eyes - _god those eyes! -_ actually calm, and then he smiled.

And there it was. A real Tony smile. Not the "genius playboy billionaire philanthropist" smile. Not a "let's go play with my new toys" smile. Not a "just how much can I fuck with Steve" smile. A smile that came from somewhere behind all that. Behind all the layers he'd put up to face the world every day. Somewhere real. Bruce loved that smile.

"What?" Bruce asked.

"Oh, just…the eggs were really good. Thanks." Tony kept smiling and Bruce heard the real meaning behind those words. Tony might not be touchy-feely, but he did know how to show his feelings when he wanted to.

"Sir, Happy has arrived and is waiting downstairs," Jarvis informed them.

Tony sighed. "Board meetings. Ugh." He pushed his chair back and got up, looking down at his tie and adjusting it a millimeter.

Bruce got up and walked over to Tony, his eyes all warm. "Wait."

"Yeah?"

Bruce placed his hand gently on Tony's. "Brace yourself, I'm gonna do something here, don't freak out," Bruce was smiling and his voice teasing. Tony looked at him skeptically.

"I'm going to hug you now."

Tony laughed and nodded, and Bruce was pulling him into those warm, strong arms.  Tony wrapped his arms around Bruce and leaned his head into the crook of Bruce's neck. This was it, this was the place where Tony felt the safest. He held tight to Bruce for a long moment, just breathing him in, then finally pulled away. "Don't worry. Pepper will be there all day to babysit me. She knows how to … _handle_ me."

Bruce ran his hand through his curls, sighing. "Yeah. I should probably ask her for some lessons in that."

"No. No way. You're doing great on your own." Tony grabbed him by the collar and pulled him close for a kiss. Hot and hungry and needy. A kiss that said a lot of the things that Tony would never - could never - say out loud. "Totally great." Tony smiled another real smile, before putting on his billionaire face to deal with the day.  "So, I'll be home in the afternoon, if the boring buffoons let me out of there. You wanna make dinner too I totally won't object."

Tony blew Bruce a kiss and headed for the elevator.

* * *

 _Calmcalmcalmcalm,_ Bruce just kept repeating to himself. He was trying, really trying, but he'd been holding it together too long and couldn't take it any more.

"Dr. Banner, Sir's car has left the building." At that Bruce took off, speeding down the hallway, his heart ready to explode.

"Express the elevator down to the containment room. I mean fast." He could already hear that edge in his voice. _Oh God._

"Yes, Dr. Banner."

Jarvis opened the elevator and Bruce threw himself in, hitting the back wall and bracing himself against it with his hands as the box moved down at lightning speed.

"Try to remain calm, Dr. Banner. Sir is currently in no danger. And I am always monitoring him. I will inform you immediately of any problems."

Bruce couldn't answer the AI. Couldn't speak. Tried to breathe. _Please please please._ He held on, held on, he really didn't want to break Stark Tower after Tony'd done so much work to put it back together.  But the Other Guy was there. The Other Guy was angry. Because they'd both seen Tony's pain. Seen Tony hurting and broken.

He felt the fire burning through his veins. _Not yet! Not yet!_ Then they were stories underground, the door opening. The containment room - _his cage -_ was already open and he ran, he ran, and finally he was inside. He heard the harsh clangs of the room being sealed.

It only took a few seconds of picturing Tony's frightened face and the Other Guy took over. Bruce felt the anger rush through him, the fire consume him and Bruce was gone.


	5. Good Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony tries to survive the day while Bruce and Natasha try to keep the Other Guy calm....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine. As always, comments please!

Tony was right. Why was he always right? The meeting was mind-numbingly boring. Pepper was rambling on about …. something, and he was just trying not to get caught playing with his phone too much.

They were an hour and a half in and still on the first point of the agenda. God, why didn't he have people to sit through these things for him? But Pepper always said he had to put in the appearance. All he wanted was to be in his workshop, or back with Bruce. He'd texted Bruce twice already and got no answer. He wondered if he should try again.

 _What are you, twelve? Get a grip._ His internal Bruce voice scolded him. It was right. Bruce was probably working, in the zone, ignoring everything around him just like Tony usually did.

Tony closed his eyes a moment. He felt a headache sneaking up on him. He didn't know if he should have had more whiskey or avoided it altogether.  His body was probably still getting over the effects of that shot. He shuddered a moment at the memory, then opened his eyes quickly.  He had to be the in control billionaire right now.

Pepper must have noticed they were losing him because she thankfully called a coffee break. A few people got up to stretch their legs, including Tony. He began edging towards the door, thinking maybe he could escape Pepper's scrutiny for five minutes. But he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. He tried to smother the shudder that went through him at the unwanted touch.

"Hey, Tony." He knew who it was. Dean Stockton, a new board member. A smarmy bastard, always sucking up to Tony any chance he got. Tony turned, ready to shake his hand and get rid of him quickly.

"Dean." He stuck out his hand, his brain gearing up to come up with an excuse to get away.

He'd forgotten that Dean was a connoisseur of fine cigars. He reeked of them, the smell flooding Tony's brain as they shook hands, sending alarm signals through him and threatening to set off an explosion inside of him.

 _No no no! Not here! Not now!_ Damnit, get it together! Tony took a deep breath.

He had no idea what he said to the man, what excuse he gave, but he was out of that room and trying to walk - _not run! -_ to his private bathroom. He felt his throat constricting and his heart start up again like the night before. _Please, not like last night. Anything but that._

Then he was leaning against the marble sink in his luxurious lavatory. His hands balled into fists, eyes closed, trying to fight off the memories with all his might.

Tony was breathing, he was thinking of Bruce's arms around him, Bruce's words - " _I'm here,"_ and his heart wasn't exploding. He was holding it off. Just about holding it off. But where was Bruce? Why hadn't he answered his texts? God, he needed Bruce.

He looked at his reflection in the mirror. Shaky and pale, and pining over his boyfriend.

_Ok, so maybe you are twelve._

***

Bruce slowly felt himself coming back. Back to being him. The green fog in his brain was clearing, making way for him to feel the exhaustion in his muscles and his mind. He searched through the remnants of the fog, but it didn't seem like one of the times he would remember much.

Oh, now he just wanted to sleep. Sleep and not think for a while.

"-uce! Bruce! Can you hear me?" Natasha's voice. He looked up at the monitor to the right of the massive door to the containment cell. The massive _dented_ door to the containment cell. _Oh Jesus_. What the hell had the Other Guy done? Natasha was right outside, watching him on the monitor.

"Yeah." He automatically covered himself with his hands, through everyone on the team had already seen everything had to offer.

"Are you….you?" she asked, her face worried and serious.

He nodded. "Yeah." He took a breath to make sure. He was definitely himself. "The Other Guy's gone for now. What's wrong?"

"I'm coming in with some clothes for you. Then I've got to show you something." He looked hard at her image on the monitor. Worried. Serious, but not giving anything else away. She was good at that.

The huge door swung open with a surprising groan and Natasha entered cautiously. She was dressed in workout gear and an ironically green hoodie.  Bruce took the sweats she handed him and started to dress. "What are you doing here? What did he do? What did I do?" he pleaded, his voice weak.

"Jarvis called me because the Other Guy was about to breach the containment cell." Bruce looked over at the dent in the door. The Other Guy must have been furious, feeding on Bruce's anger at whoever had hurt Tony.

Natasha put her hand on his arm in a strangely compassionate gesture, and he looked back at her. "Everything's under control now. Just wait till I show you the security feed and then we can talk."

"But Tony?" He tried to stand up and didn't quite make it. Nat grabbed his arms and helped him up, keeping him from falling.

"Tony's fine. Jarvis is monitoring him."

"Sir is currently at Stark Industries. He is unharmed." _Unharmed._ Not exactly.  

Bruce wanted to ask Jarvis a lot more, but he had to concentrate all his effort on staying on his feet. "Ok." He nodded at Natasha. She slowly led him out of the cage.

"Let's go upstairs. I'll explain everything. I'll make some - tea, right?"

"Yeah," he smiled. "You can boil water?"

"Just about," she laughed. He was feeling slightly stronger, walking better, but she kept her arms around him. Natasha, who months ago wouldn't have stayed in the same room with him for five minutes.

This was another thing Tony had given him. Teammates. Friends.

Bruce let Natasha lead him to the elevator, trying to hold down his dread as to what he would see on the video.

***

 _Breathe. Just breathe. You can do this._ Eyes closed, fists clenched, holding on to that calm voice in this head.

"Tony?" His eyes popped open to see Pepper busting in, heels clicking on the tile. He'd forgotten she was the only one with the security code to the room, and of course had no qualms about coming right in. "What's wrong?" How she managed to sound exasperated and caring at the same time, he didn't know.

She walked over to him, right up into his personal space, looking him over. "Are you hung-over? Because this seems a lot worse than that." Her voice had that soft steel in it. But also kindness. Pepper, his Pepper, who had done so much for him. Even breaking up with him because she realized he was in love with Bruce before he did.

Tony shook his head. "It's not a hangover. It's…I've been having some nightmares. Some…flashbacks, I guess." He saw the concern in her eyes. He knew he didn't have to give her more details; there was plenty of shit she knew about in the fantastic life of Tony Stark to cause excruciating nightmares.

She put her hand gently on his arm. Sweet Pepper, who had held everything together for him for so long, and continued to do so. He didn't know how she managed to put up with him, even now they were no longer together.

"Ok." He saw the gears turning, working things out. She was so good at the one thing he really sucked at. People. "We'll reconvene in half an hour. That enough?" He nodded.

"I have to go entertain these guys. Go out on your terrace. Get some air. I'll send up some--" she looked at him.

"Water. I think, just water." She gave him a strange look. He never thought Pepper would be worried because he _wasn't_ drinking.

"Good. Can I ask you, how's Bruce…?"

"He's been great. He's learning to…handle me." Tony gave a wry smile and Pepper smiled back, then turned and left.

Tony sagged against the sink. He shook his head as if to get rid of all the crap floating in his brain, then leaned down and splashed cold water on his face. Once. Twice. That was a little better.

"Jarvis, where's Bruce?" He couldn't stand it anymore. If he had to act like a teenage stalker, so be it. He grabbed a towel to dry himself off.

"Dr. Banner is currently in the kitchen of his suite at Stark Tower, with Agent Romanov."

 _Hmmm._ "And what are they doing?" Tony concentrated on fixing his hair, putting himself back together.

"They are drinking green tea."

 _Okaaay._ Maybe Bruce needed some space this morning. Tony couldn't blame him after the night he put him through.

"Is he okay though?"

"He is currently unharmed." Unharmed. What the fuck did that mean? Tony looked at his reflection. He was also "unharmed". On the outside.

***

Bruce took a sip of green tea, that Natasha had managed to make without burning the kitchen down. She'd held on to him all the way up to his suite, then sat him at the kitchen table.

"So what happened," Bruce asked in a defeated voice.

"I was getting a work out and Jarvis called me because the Hulk was about to breach the containment room. I came to talk him down."

"I'm sorry," Bruce sighed.

She put a hand out to stop him. "No. Don't be sorry. Just, watch. Jarvis, pull up the security feed please."

They turned to the holographic screen that Jarvis activated and watched.

 

There was a screeching siren and the Other Guy was pounding against the door to the containment room, determined anger. Pounding and pounding and pounding. And _denting_ it. Bruce felt nauseous watching it. But he felt that anger in himself. Wanted to do that to anyone who would dare hurt Tony.

Natasha's voice interrupted the pounding, coming over the audio feed into the chamber, calm and clear. "Hulk. Hulk, listen to me. It's Natasha. "

Hulk stopped his rampage for a moment, looking at the monitor curiously. Then he spoke. Yelled, actually.

"Metalman. Tony. Where Tony? Tony need Hulk!" He lifted his arms and went to start bashing against the door again, but Natasha's voice stopped him.

"Stop! Listen! What's wrong with Tony?"

The Other Guy looked confused. Bruce winced; he had no way of knowing what the Hulk could take from his memories.

"Metalman. Tony. Hurt. Hurt!" He roared, and Bruce found himself covering his ears.

Natasha was calm, as always. "We'll find Tony. We'll find him right away. If he's in trouble, I promise I'll take you to him. Just tell me, how is he hurt?" Bruce saw Natasha was taking the Other Guy seriously, understanding that the concern was coming from Bruce, deep inside him.

"Tony. Bad man. Bad man _hurt_ Tony." Hulk sounded almost… pained? In the background, Natasha was talking to Jarvis, and after a moment Jarvis pulled up the live feed of Tony at his board meeting on the room's monitor. Tony was fidgeting, playing with his phone, looking spectacularly bored (and incredibly gorgeous), but not hurt.

"Tony's not hurt. I promise. Look. This is Tony now. He's fine. He's at work"

The Hulk looked at the monitor, then shook his head. "Bad man," he growled. "Bad man hurt Tony. Need Hulk."

"Which bad man?" Bruce's stomach clenched at that. He hadn't thought about what the Other Guy might reveal to anybody else. He'd just tried to get to the safest place for everybody.

"Bad man! Tony hurt," Hulk repeated, that strange confusion coming through his angry voice.

"Listen! Can you see Tony? Can you see him?" Natasha's urgent voice.

Hulk nodded. Then Bruce couldn't believe what he was seeing. Could not believe it. Hulk stomped closer to the monitor, staring at it, staring at Tony's image. He reached up his enormous hand, not angrily, not smashing, but gently. Gently! Not smashing the monitor into a million pieces, but touching his hand to the screen. To Tony's image. _Protectively_.

His forehead creased, he was _thinking_ , searching for answers. "Bruce. Bruce help Tony."

"Pause, Jarvis." Natasha said and the video feed stilled. She turned and looked at Bruce. He knew without a doubt he wouldn't stand a chance against her interrogation, especially because deep down he wanted to tell someone else. It was too much pain to bear, even the Other Guy couldn't handle it.

"So, the rest is me talking him down and convincing him to turn back into you so I could find out from you how to help Tony."

Bruce took another sip of tea, stalling.

The expert assassin and interrogator turned to him, not unkindly, but not hiding the deadly steel in her eyes.  "So, who's the bad man?"

 


	6. Good View

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce looked down at the invincible man in his arms, his eyes caught by the glow of the arc reactor. The little circle of light that kept Tony alive. Just as, according to Tony, the Hulk … the Other Guy … had saved Bruce's life. And now Bruce knew why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter would not come out right, but I'm gonna post it anyway.

The meeting finally came to an end in the early afternoon, without Tony making a fool of himself. Pepper had done him the favor of scolding him about being hungover within Stockton's earshot, so that was one crisis averted. Tony was in the back of the limo, trying to relax, wanting nothing more than to be home. He picked up his phone again. Nothing. He knew he was being obnoxious but he couldn't help it. He was beginning to really worry.

"Jarvis, did Hulk make an appearance at the tower today?"

"Yes, this morning Dr. Banner spent some time in the containment room. However, now everything is under control."

 _Shit!_ This was all Tony's fault. He and Bruce had been working hard and Bruce had been gaining a lot of control over when the Other Guy showed up. "Show me the video of this morning," Tony demanded.

"I do not believe it will serve any purpose Sir. I assure you Dr. Banner is simply tired. He suffered no ill effects of his transformation. And it is not advisable to place you under additional stress at this time."

Say what? Tony couldn't believe it. "What? Just - show me the video! I didn't build you to parent me goddamnit!" Tony shouted at the AI.

"I could beg to differ Sir, but now is not the time. I advise you to relax. Dr. Banner is sleeping at the moment. There is no crisis." How was it that the AI's calm voice was making Tony even more pissed off?

"Jarv, show me Bruce, right now. I promise it won't stress me out, ok?"

Bruce's bedroom popped up on the screen of Tony's phone. Bruce was curled up in the sheets, sleeping soundly. Calm. Calm. Tony stared at the screen.

Eventually Tony realized the limo had stopped and Happy was opening the door for him. They were home, thank god. Tony got in the elevator and sagged against the wall as it shot upwards to Bruce's floor. He was so done with this day and it was only 3 o'clock. He thought he would check on Bruce then go to his workshop, lose himself in his machines.

He didn't expect to find Natasha sitting on Bruce's couch, curled up like a cat. She was texting but she put the phone down when Tony came in. He couldn't read her face, of course. He stopped, nervous, his hands playing with his phone, giving away his frantic fear. She'd been here with Bruce today. Had they talked? Had Bruce told her anything?

"Hey Tony." She got up and walked over to him. Tony stared at her, feeling completely exposed. It took him a moment to compose his face. "What-" _What did she know about him?_  He shook his head. "What's going on?" He looked toward the open door to the bedroom, where he could see Bruce sprawled out, still snoring away.

"I was just keeping an eye on him. He's been asleep for a while. This morning-"

"I know," Tony said, curtly. "Jarvis told me that much but he wouldn't tell me more. Apparently he's decided I need babysitting." Tony directly the last comment to the ceiling, then forced himself to meet Natasha's gaze again. "What happened? Did he say… what did you-?" He was stumbling over his words, confused and afraid.

But she just shook her head.

"Talk to Bruce. And don't be angry at him. I'll leave you two alone." Tony didn't even have time to flinch as she moved close to him and gave him a soft kiss on his cheek, her hand gently brushing his shoulder. Tony remained still, just trying to process all the weirdness of this day.

"Tony." He turned to see Natasha at the elevator. "You and I are really good at fucking things up, you know." He nodded at that. That they definitely had in common. She gave a look back to the bedroom where Bruce was sleeping. "You two are a good thing. He's… a good thing. Don't fuck this up."

Before he could figure out how to respond to that, the elevator opened and she was gone.

Tony walked to the doorway of the bedroom and leaned against it, wrapping his arms around himself and just watching Bruce sleeping soundly. Tony felt his own tiredness behind his eyes. Maybe he should go up to his penthouse. Bruce might not even want him there right now after everything.

Then he heard a groan and saw Bruce move, pulling back the blankets, making room for Tony. "Just get in here,"he whispered. Tony moved toward the bed, shedding most of his clothing on the way, kicking off his shoes and crawling in next to Bruce. Bruce put his hand gently on the back of Tony's head and pulled Tony against his chest, holding him close.

"I…Tell me…" Tony started to say. Bruce gently stroked his hair. It was soothing, comforting.

"Shh. Later. Just get some sleep right now."

Tony had to know what happened, he _had to,_ but didn't feel like arguing. He was tired. Just a few minutes. Here, where he didn't have to pretend to be anything he wasn't. He closed his eyes and quickly felt himself drifting away.

Bruce looked down at the invincible man in his arms, his eyes caught by the glow of the arc reactor. The little circle of light that kept Tony alive. Just as, according to Tony, the Hulk … the Other Guy … had saved Bruce's life.  And now Bruce knew why. Aside from the big reason, so he and Tony could both try to make up for all their mistakes, make amends to the world - _yeah, that was gonna be easy! -_ he knew, he hoped, the most important, most selfish reason. The reason he held tight to. So he - they - could have this. So the universe could let him and Tony have this, each other, at least until the next time the world went to hell.

* * *

Bruce must have fallen back asleep, because the next thing he knew Tony was snuggling against him and whispering groggily, "Mmm. This is much better than my morning."

Bruce smiled down at him. "Yeah. Boredom is your biggest enemy, I know."

"So, I told Jarvis to order the works from your favorite Indian place for dinner. Figured you'd waited on me enough for one day."

"Thanks." Bruce tried to pull Tony closer, but Tony pulled away, sitting up. He was jumpy, nervous.

 "Listen, I'm sorry about, whatever you had to go through today. Which I don't even know what it was because Jarvis is hiding things from me." Tony rolled his eyes upwards. "He wouldn't tell me what happened to you. Apparently I'm too fucking fragile to handle it." Bruce could hear the anger and doubt in Tony's voice.

"You didn't text me, ok, I understand that, you were… _busy._ But I come in here and find Natasha watching over you and I don't know…" There was definitely an accusation in Tony's tone.

Bruce reached down and grabbed Tony's hand, not letting him pull away. He sighed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't tell her anything. The Other Guy did." Tony's eyes went wide at that. "He was trying to get to you. Knew something was wrong and wanted to help you. Kinda dented the door to the containment room. We'll have to do some remodeling."

"Shit. Wow." Tony didn't know what to say to that. He just squeezed Bruce's hand back.

"You know he and I would do anything to protect you, Tony. I'm sorry Natasha knows about this. She was the only one in the tower, and Jarvis called her because the Other Guy was about to breach the cell. I'm really sorry. It was too much for me to control."

"No. Don't apologize. Don't. It's my fault." Tony leaned back against the headboard, his eyes roaming the room, unable to look at Bruce. Unable to name the raw mix of emotions flowing through him at the moment. "Just tell me, what does she know?"

"Not much. Because I don't know much. And that's ok," Bruce said quickly, seeing the fear bleeding into Tony's eyes. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to." Bruce put his other hand on Tony's arm. "But there is one thing I have to ask."

Tony nodded, but Bruce could see his shields going up, see him closing off.

"You know how protective of you the Other Guy is."

"One of his best qualities," Tony managed a small smile.

"This is serious. I'm learning to control things. We've worked hard and you've helped me a lot to control things. But I can't be blindsided. You've seen, you know he'll rush to protect you, because I love you." He squeezed Tony's hand, hoping he would understand. Tony raised his eyebrows in a question, but stayed silent. "For your safety, for the safety of everybody in a 200 mile radius, there is something I need to know." He waited a moment, letting the information settle.

Finally, Tony nodded. "Ok."

"You gotta understand, if _he_ thinks you're in danger, if I see you react to someone, _he_ sees it. I mean, I just need to know if this is someone we could run into. Someone we know."

Tony's eyes went hard. A harsh shake of his head. "No. No, he's-" he took a shaky breath. "He's dead. Dead." Tony pulled his hand away.

Dead. Dead. After trying to kill Tony so many times. _The explosions. The heat. His frustrated voice, shouting, "Hold still you little prick!"_ Like he was trying to squash a fly. Like Tony was nothing to him. Had been _nothing_ to him. Nothing! And Tony was almost ok with dying at the time, if he could take the man who had ripped his heart out with him.

Tony didn't even realize he had moved until he felt the breeze on his face and found himself on the balcony, hands gripping the railing. God, this freaking out thing was getting old already. He looked out across Manhattan, enjoying the feeling of seeing so far, like looking out across the entire world. He had built a kingdom and no one was going to take it from him. No one.

He stood, just breathing the cool air, and after a moment heard the balcony door whoosh open.

"Do you want to be alone?" came Bruce's voice, unsure.

"No," Tony answered. Then louder. "No. No." He kept his eyes on the horizon, but heard Bruce walk over to him and felt Bruce's left hand cover his.

"You get why I had to ask that?" Tony heard the pain in Bruce's voice and hated himself for causing it. For always fucking things up.

"Yeah." Tony cleared his throat. One of the things he was best at - talking - was failing him. "But I can't….I can't…"

"I know. That's all I'm gonna ask you. That's all." Tony felt Bruce's right arm wrapping around him and holding him close. The most important thing in his kingdom holding him tight.


	7. Good Scotch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More nightmares for Tony....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major trigger warnings for this chapter! Be advised!

_Hold still you little prick!_

_"Hold still Tony..."_

_No, no, he wouldn't… he didn't…_

_That voice in his ear, hot breath making him shiver in fear, and something else. Those hands… stroking him. He didn't know what had happened, how things had gotten to this point, but Tony didn't want this. He didn't!_

_"Come on," the voice said. "You know you liked it last time."_

_But the last time - the first time it had happened - Obie had let him drink his father's whiskey, and cry on his shoulder, and things got confusing…and scary…but now…now he was sober and he knew that this wasn't…wasn't right. He didn't want this. He didn't._

_"No! No! Stop!" He finally found his voice."Obie stop!"_

_The hands kept touching him, and he tried to push them away, tried, but he wasn't strong enough. And then there were lips against his neck, the hands were pulling at his jeans…_

_"Oh, Tony, don't be a tease. See how excited you get me…feel that…"_

_He did feel it, against his hip, and Tony felt full on panic now, he was hitting and scratching and saying no. No no no…_

_"You're so beautiful, Tony. My boy. So beautiful. You don't know…" The voice changed, deeper, grunting, and Tony was pushed face down on the couch, the larger body covering his, holding him down. He couldn't get away._

_"No! Stop!" He did say it, it wasn't just in his head._

_A large arm held him down and the other was… the hand was touching…no! Please God, stop this… He didn't want this._

_"It's your fault, Tony. You're so beautiful. Such a tease…" But he wasn't. He didn't! That smooth voice, the one he'd trusted, almost crooning in his ear. "Come on, relax. Be a good boy. Be my good boy, Tony."_

_Tony could hardly breathe at the weight pressing him down. "Please," he heard himself say. "Please don't."_

_Your fault, Tony. Your fault. All your fault._

 

"Tony. Tony!" _Wait, that wasn't - that was Bruce's voice-_

Tony _jumped_ awake with a shout and tried to get his bearings. He was sitting up on his bed, hands fisted in the blankets, heart pounding. The lights were on and he saw Bruce next to him, his eyes trying to radiate calm.

"Oh shit!" Tony gasped. It was the middle of the night, right. He was home, safe. With Bruce. His heart was pounding like crazy, but he was breathing, holding Bruce's gaze.

"Breathe, Tony. Just breathe with me." Bruce was there with his calm and his warm eyes.

So Tony tried. In….and out. Repeat. Staring into those eyes that somehow managed to see Tony, the real Tony, and never look away. Ok. Ok. He could do this. After a moment, with a groan, he extricated his left hand from the blankets and reached out to take Bruce's. Squeezed. Just breathing. _Not like last night!_ No, it wasn't like last night. It wasn't.

He didn't know how long they sat there, him following Bruce's breathing, trying to get his own under control. But eventually it worked. He felt safe in those warm brown eyes. And his heart wasn't exploding from his chest.

"Thanks," Tony finally croaked. He realized his throat hurt, as if he'd really been screaming… "Sorry about that."

"You don't have to apologize, stupid." Bruce smiled. Tony managed a small smile back. And still the other man didn't push, didn't ask Tony questions, didn't _demand_ anything. Was just there.

Tony leaned forward and softly kissed him, running his hands over him, as if checking he was real. His.

"Yeah, I think I do."

"It's not like you haven't done the same for me." It was true, there had been nights when things were reversed, when Tony held Bruce after Bruce's nightmares. One of the many terrible things they had in common.

Tony sat back, taking a deep breath. "God, I think I need a drink. And just…a few minutes… alone." He squeezed Bruce's hand again. "That okay?"

"Stop being stupid. Of course." He could see the worry on Bruce's face but appreciated that he didn't argue. Didn't question. Tony slid to the edge of the bed and stood up, his legs a bit shaky. He smiled softly back at Bruce as he left the bedroom.

* * *

Tony paced the living room, nursing his whiskey. Ah, that did help a bit. Helped push the memories away. Keep them down. He'd had nightmares before, definitely after Afghanistan. After so many people had tried to kill him. And after - the _wormhole_ \- fuck, bile rose in his throat just thinking of it, and now every time somebody mentioned aliens, Jarvis would have to talk him down from an anxiety attack.

But this - this was much worse. This was making him feel like he was 15 again.

_15? 14? No, let's not go there._ He shuddered, taking another gulp of his scotch. The beginning was fuzzy. Very very fuzzy. And he had absolutely no interest in clearing it up for himself. No interest at all. Denial had always been a good friend of his.

He didn't do people well but he wasn't stupid in this area either. He knew he ticked a lot of the convenient little boxes - Promiscuity. Trust issues.  And how did it go? _"Compulsive behavior. Self-destructive tendencies."_ Right. All that crap. He saw it.

He felt the warmth of the alcohol starting to flow through him, and breathed a sigh of relief. Now he could think a little. Think about Bruce. Who was dealing with all this crap with him. Not complaining. And never pushing.

Shit, could it be that maybe he'd found the person who could handle his fucked up brain and his broken heart?

* * *

Bruce sat back against the headboard, holding on tightly to his control, his calm. But he was not calm. Not calm at all. He had no idea what to do with this. This knowledge. With the name that Tony had cried - _screamed -_ out in his sleep. So afraid. So lost.

_No, Obie, no! Please._

_Please. No!_

_Obie._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another short chapter. I have a lot of chapters planned out, just haven't finished them yet. Note on the timeline - this is obviously after Avengers and before Iron Man 3/TWS, and I don't know that those will happen in my timeline. Thank you for all the comments and kudos!


	8. That's Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony felt his pride shattering to pieces, just dissolving into nothing, but he didn't care. He really didn't care anymore. He had to say these things, to somebody - to Bruce. Because he knew Bruce would listen and do his best to try and understand.

From the bed, Bruce watched Tony pause in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe and nursing his scotch.

"Hey," Bruce said. He concentrated on his breathing, on not giving away anything. It must have worked, because Tony smiled at him.

"How are you so calm?" Tony asked, a little wistfully.

"I've had a LOT of practice."

Tony sipped his drink and Bruce wondered whether it was his first or this third. Tony was fidgety - Tony was always fidgety - but this was Tony trying to talk about _stuff_ , and Bruce knew that Tony would rather deal with alien robots than that.

Tony sighed, staring down at his glass. "I just hate this feeling that you have to…babysit me."

"Do you hear yourself? Really?" Tony looked up, hearing Bruce's smile in his voice, and saw Bruce reach out his hand. The inventor crossed the room to the bed and took it, clambering in beside the other man. He downed the last of the scotch and reached over to set the glass down on the bedside table with his right hand, keeping his left hand tightly in Bruce's.

It seemed clear that neither one of them were going to sleep for a while. "You wanna watch something? Or work?"

But Tony surprised him. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes a moment, as if he were in pain. "I actually…I think I want to - I need to.... tell you some stuff." He opened his eyes to Bruce's speechless surprise at that, and laughed a mirthless laugh. "I know, right? Not usually my style."

Bruce squeezed his hand. "You can tell me anything, Tony. You know that. Just don't feel you have to."

"No, it's like a geyser  has been tapped and it's all flooding into my head. I have to  - have to get some of it out." Tony touched his temple, that pained look crossing his face again. He shook his head, his eyes begging Bruce to understand.

"Ok." Bruce hoped his face was calm, hiding all the turmoil underneath.

"Jarvis, cut the lights," Tony said. Jarvis plunged the room into darkness, the blue cast from the arc reactor emanating from Tony the only illumination. Without really thinking about it, Tony turned and got up on his knees to throw his right leg over Bruce and straddle his lap, his knees on either side of Bruce's legs, his body flush with Bruce's, chest to chest.

Tony tucked his face into Bruce's neck, his arms clinging to Bruce's shoulders. The place where he felt safe.

Bruce pulled Tony as close as possible, wrapping his arms around the taller man. They stayed like that for a while, Bruce just waiting for Tony to speak when he was ready.

Bruce moved his left hand to rub Tony's back in slow circles, something Tony was realizing was becoming his favorite thing in the world. Tony sighed against Bruce's neck.

Tony felt his pride shattering to pieces, just dissolving into nothing, but he didn't care. He really didn't care anymore. He had to say these things, to somebody - to Bruce. Because he knew Bruce would listen and do his best to try and understand.

"It's usually something -" he forced himself to speak. "…that, you know, I just don't go there." Tony clenched his fingers against Bruce's shoulders. He so didn't want to do this, but he felt he had to. He closed his eyes.

"I know." Bruce's voice was soft, understanding. "I have a _lot_ of those". Bruce kept rubbing his back, holding him close. Maybe Tony could actually say these things.

"It's just, it's kind of in my head right now, not leaving me alone."

There's nothing you can tell me that I won't understand."

Tony knew that Bruce meant it, that he had been to as many dark places as Tony had. He concentrated on the feel of Bruce's hand on his back, slow, comforting circles.

"So, I-I-" He heard his own voice, unsure and strained, and the catch in his throat. Shit. He _could_ do this. He had to do this. Maybe if he thought of it as somebody's else's voice, telling the story of somebody else's life. That could work.

"I don't remember really well, but I think - you know, the first time it happened…it wasn't… _bad_.  I don't know." _Breathe,_ Tony told himself. In. Out. Come on! "But then, the next time, it was - I didn't want to.  I didn't want that, from him. I _didn't_. I said - I said no. But he didn't listen. He didn't -" _Breathe, you idiot!_ "He didn't listen after that. I couldn't stop him. I said no."

_He had said no. Was he reminding himself?_

Tony stopped, just to breathe a minute. Trying not to cry. He felt Bruce's hand stop moving again his back, the fingers curling into a fist. He heard the other man let out his breath slowly. Slowly. And breathe in slowly. Bruce was trying to hold back his rage, Tony knew.

"Is - is it - ?" Tony asked. He wasn't afraid of Bruce, never, but maybe the man needed a minute.

"No. I'm good." He let out a huff of breath. Bruce's voice was strained, but 100% him. After a minute, his fist relaxed, and he trailed his hand up Tony's neck to tangle lightly in his hair. Tony leaned into the touch and sighed against Bruce's neck.

 _Ok, come on. Just get through this!_ The voice in Tony's head pushing him on.

"I know - I mean, of course I _know_ it was wrong. But sometimes - sometimes it felt like he was the only one who loved me." _Oh God. There it was, there came the tears._ Tony tried to turn his head away, embarrassed, but Bruce held him close. Close.

"No. No. It's ok Tony. It's ok."

Tony shuddered and just let go. Let the tears come.

"He said … he said it was my fault. But it wasn't - I didn't - " he trailed off, unable to go on. It was all so confused in his head.

_Your fault, Tony. You don't know what you do to me. You know I can't help myself around you…_

Tony buried his face tighter against Bruce's neck, trying to concentrate on the feeling of Bruce stroking his hair.

"None of it was your fault. None of it." Bruce's voice was strong, solid, clearer. And his hands were gentle, one stroking Tony's hair and the other on his back.

"Oh - oh god." Tony cried. He held on to Bruce, the only thing that was clear to him right now. He couldn't tell how he felt after saying all of that.  He couldn't think, just held on.

_My Tony. My beautiful boy._

Tony tried to catch his breath, but it wasn't working. His heart was pounding. Pounding.

Bruce gently pulled back so he could look Tony in the eye.

"Hey, breathe, huh?" Bruce placed his left hand lightly on Tony's chest, keeping his other on Tony's back. "You're safe here."

Tony stared into those warm eyes. That helped. It helped. After a while, he managed to get his breathing under control.

"Nothing was your fault. Nothing. Even if you didn't say no. You know that," Bruce told him.

Tony gave the slightest, smallest nod at that, waiting until he felt like he could talk again. Bruce just held his stare with those warm eyes.

"I know. I know but…I trusted him so much and he _knew_ that." Tony heard the anguish in his own voice, but didn't care how he sounded anymore. He had to say this.

He buried his face against Bruce's neck again, closing his eyes, trying to tell himself that the voice saying these things wasn't his.

"He said - he always said that I belonged to him. I didn't want to belong to _him_." Tony spat the words out.

Bruce hurried to reassure him. "You don't belong to anybody, Tony."

"No," Tony whispered against Bruce's neck. "No, that's not… I want to… I want to belong to you."

Bruce couldn't quantify the effect that simple statement had on him, not in all the galaxies and realms they now knew existed. It was something immeasurable.

Tony continued, his voice a faint whisper. "I like - belonging to you. I need it." Bruce felt Tony's hesitation. His fear. He knew how hard it was for Tony to have come this far, to have revealed this much. Bruce just held him close.

"I need to know," Tony said, "- to feel - when I'm with you - that I belong to you. It makes me feel…safe." The last word was such a small whisper that it made Bruce's heart hurt.

"I'm good with that. So good with that." When he and Tony had first become, well, more than friends, Bruce had figured that, to avoid things turning _green_ , he would have to be in control. Tony, surprisingly, had been completely ok with that - and had put himself totally in Bruce's hands, eagerly. Bruce knew that Tony had never done that for anybody else. Ever. And he realized what a gift Tony's trust was.

He turned Tony and gently pushed him down against the mattress, then stretched out beside him. Tony reached up and self-consciously swept his hand across his face, wiping his tears. Bruce wiped his thumb across Tony's wet cheek, holding Tony's eyes. "I want you to feel safe. You've done that for me. We'll figure out how to do that for you, ok?"

Tony nodded. Bruce understood that probably, for the first time in his life, Tony was talked out.  Bruce leaned in and kissed him, gently but possessively. Tony returned the kiss, soft and sweet.

"You do. You do belong to me. Anyone that doubts that will have to deal with my rage monster." Tony smirked at that. "But I have some conditions. You have to tell me what's not ok. Anything that you don't want. Don't like. Any time. Even things that maybe you usually like but aren't in the mood for. Get it?"

"Genius here. I got it." Tony nodded. Some of his snark was coming back, thank God.

"And no more shawarma." A small, but actual smile at that. "We're using green-yellow-red. So I know how you're feeling." Bruce gave Tony a pointed stare. "Sorry, I had to use the "f-word" there."

"I'll forgive you, this time." Tony's hands ran down Bruce's chest, slipping under the hem of his t-shirt. "Can you - I need - "

Bruce got the idea. He sat up, shucking the t-shirt off. Tony sat up and let Bruce pull his t-shirt over his head. Tony lay down again and Bruce covered him with his body, skin to skin. He pulled the blanket up to cover them both. "This good?"

"That's good," Tony sighed with pleasure at the feel of Bruce's warm skin against his, Bruce's lips against his ear and Bruce's stubble rubbing against his neck. He closed his eyes. The nightmares were far off for the moment. Maybe getting them out in the open had taken away some of their power. _Who knew?_

Tony realized he was gripping Bruce's arm tightly, as if to make sure he was real. He was really there. He had stayed. Sometimes he still didn't believe it. That he could be so lucky, after everything.

_Just chill, idiot. He's not going anywhere._

He forced himself to relax, to concentrate on having Bruce so close. After a while, feeling warm and, finally, safe, he felt himself drifting off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep the comments coming, and thanks for all the love!  
> Edited to fix some typos


	9. Good Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce wanted to turn his brain off, he almost didn't want to make the connections he was making. Didn't want to know. That was the problem with being a genius, you couldn't just "not think" when you wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to make this chapter longer, as usual, but it didn't happen....

Bruce sat up, resting back against the headboard, watching Tony, who was sleeping soundly, curled up on his side, finally out cold. So larger-than-life when he was awake, while sleeping he seemed like that defenseless boy who had been hurt by almost everyone he'd trusted.

They were so similar in that, but Tony had always had his bravado, his cockiness, his charm to fool people into thinking that nothing phased him. He revealed his true self to a select few. Bruce was honored to be one of those people.

Tony made a noise, like a small whine, and shifted in his sleep. Bruce reached out and stroked his face gently. "Shhh," he whispered, and Tony stilled, but Bruce kept touching him, running his hand through Tony's goatee and down the line of his neck.

Touching Tony was what kept him sane.

From that first day, Tony was always poking him and teasing him. Joking around. Something no one else ever did. Ever. Treating him like a human being and not a monster. Tony was the first person in such a long time to touch Bruce. And Bruce gradually began to realize that he wanted Tony's touch. Needed it.

Then one night, after Bruce had been staying in the tower a month, Jarvis woke him, concerned that his hearing would pick up Tony's cries through two stories of soundproofing and set off the Other Guy. Concerned about Tony, Bruce asked Jarvis to let him into the penthouse.

He found Tony in the midst of nightmare, still half asleep and terrified. Bruce had been afraid to touch Tony, but he was suffering, and Bruce calling his name didn't work. His concern won out over his fear and he ended up holding Tony while the man cried, still caught in the grip of his nightmares, and finally settled back into sleep with his head against Bruce's chest.

Through that long night Bruce came to realize that it felt right to touch Tony, it felt like coming home. Even though explaining the situation when they woke up the next morning had been embarrassing.

 

Bruce finally pulled his hand back, seeing that Tony made no more noise. It seemed that the nightmares were not coming back for the moment. Bruce stretched and got up. He knew there was no way he was going to sleep after all that had happened.

After locating his t-shirt and pulling it on, he walked out to the living area of Tony's suite, and whispered. "Jarvis?"

"Yes Dr. Banner."

"Is anybody else in the tower up?" For once, Bruce didn't feel like being alone. Not with all of this stuff in his brain. None of the Avengers usually slept very well, so it was a good bet he would find someone to hang out with.

"Captain Rogers is in the common room, watching television." Steve. Good. He wasn't really in the mood for Clint's barbs or Natasha's knowing looks right now.

"Ok. Please let me know if Tony wakes up or seems to be…in distress."

"Of course. I will monitor him closely."

"Thanks Jarvis."

Bruce went to the elevator and Jarvis sent it down to the common floor, where they all hung out for dinner and movies, where Bruce cooked for everyone and they had introduced Steve and Thor to Netflix.

The elevator dinged open and Bruce stepped out, moving forward but lost in his thoughts. For a moment he desperately wished he could be like Tony, and drink until he blacked out - but that wouldn't help anything or anybody.

_No. Obie, no!_

_I trusted him so much._

Bruce wanted to turn his brain off, he almost didn't want to make the connections he was making. Didn't want to know. That was the problem with being a genius, you couldn't just "not think" when you wanted to. Who was around when Tony was a kid? Bruce hadn't read all the files - though Tony had offered him access to Jarvis and everything SHIELD had on Tony. Bruce refused. He was interested in the man, not in the image that had been created from compiling data. Bruce knew that the data that had been compiled on him would not paint a pretty picture either. He wouldn't want to be judged by that.

He was actually trying NOT to think, but then his fucking genius brain kicked in and made all the connections. It wasn't hard. But as the knowledge came to him, Bruce literally felt his knees give out - just give way, turn to jelly. With a shock, he found himself on the floor, crumpled in a heap near the door to the kitchen. Shaking, but the Other Guy wasn't there, wasn't angry. Bruce couldn't remember a time when he'd felt such strong emotions without changing.

Was this a sign of improved control? Could it be the Other Guy was actually _learning_ when he was and wasn't needed?

"Bruce! Bruce, what is it?" Steve was suddenly there next to him, crouching down, his earnest blue eyes worried. "What's wrong?"

"Oh." Bruce put his hand on Steve's arm to steady himself. "I don't know. I-I think it might be low blood sugar or - I'm not sleeping much. Tony's been having a hard time, nightmares lately." It wasn't a lie.

"God I'm sorry. Let me help you up. You think you can stand?"

Bruce nodded and Steve put his arm around Bruce's back, lifting him up as if he weighed nothing. Steve helped him through the kitchen to the living area, sitting them both down on the super-sized couch. Which was red, of course. Tony's favorite color.

Bruce saw that Steve was looking at him, his face pained. But Bruce didn't even realize he was crying until he felt his tears falling in his lap. He reached up to wipe his face.

"I'm sorry. It's just, it's been a rough couple of nights. Just seeing Tony like that…"

"It's that bad?"

Bruce just nodded.

"I can't imagine what Tony went through, with the wormhole." Steve shook his head. "You don't just get over something like that. Even if you're Tony Stark."

Bruce closed his eyes. The image he had in his head of Tony was now the frightened _boy_ that Tony had reverted to the other night. And to know that the man who had hurt him was the man who had acted as a second father to Tony. It was unfathomable.

"I didn't want to, I didn't want Tony to see me fall apart," he tried to explain to Steve through his tears. "But I can't…"

He felt Steve's hand patting his shoulder, unsure, then Steve gently grabbed him up in a bear hug. Bruce tensed up a moment, but told the angry voice in his head _this is a friend, stay away_ and realized the voice was listening. And then he was actually sitting there, crying on Captain America's huge shoulder, with Steve patting him awkwardly on the back while he sobbed.

After a while, feeling desperately embarrassed, Bruce sat back and sheepishly wiped his face.

"I'm sorry, Steve."

"No, it's fine. It's fine. "

"I just - I don't know how to help him. If I'm helping him."

"I'm sure you are," Steve said. "I've seen how he is with you. I have to say I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it. But he's different with you. For you."

Bruce nodded at that. He knew Tony would do anything for him, and he would do anything for Tony. He just wished he knew what to do.

After a moment of silence, Steve spoke again. "Um, so do you want to eat something? I could make you something."

Bruce noticed that the TV was paused. "What are you watching? We could make some popcorn," Bruce suggested.

Steve actually _blushed_ slightly, and Bruce smiled at that.

"It's a medical show, really kind of a soap opera. I tried to stop at the end of the first season, but now McDreamy's wife has just shown up, and Meredith didn't even know he was married… It's kind of addictive."

"That sounds fine," Bruce actually laughed at that. "I need some distraction."

"I'll go make the popcorn, ok?"

Bruce nodded and Steve went to the kitchen. Bruce closed his eyes and leaned back against the couch, taking shaky breaths to try and calm down. Jarvis was watching Tony and everything was fine. As fine as things went in the Avengers tower.

After watching a few episodes of the show with Steve, just sitting comfortably in silence and munching on popcorn, Bruce decided to try to sleep. He tiptoed back into Tony's bedroom to find him still sleeping calmly. Bruce slid into bed next to him, curling his arm around Tony, needing to feel that contact.

Eventually he drifted off to the sound of Tony's snoring next to him.


	10. Good Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jarvis reveals some things to Bruce to help him understand Tony a bit better... Tony has a surprise for Bruce.

Tony woke up slowly, groaning and stretching. He sat up and ran his hands through his hair. There'd been no more nightmares after his big freak out the night before.

He turned and looked beside him to watch Bruce snoring away. He'd heard the man come back to bed in the early morning, so it was best to let him sleep.

_Chill. He's still here._

There was a part of Tony that couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe that he had revealed all those things to Bruce and the man was still here. He wanted to do something to show Bruce how much he was appreciated. The man was always underestimating himself.

Tony took a deep breath. He realized he felt good, energized. A good kind of energy. He was thinking it was the day to finish that surprise he'd been working on for Bruce. He looked at the clock; if he got going now, he would be able to finish by the afternoon.

He slipped quietly out of the bed and went to take a shower.

* * *

Bruce woke to find the sun streaming in the windows and Tony's side of the bed empty.  He had finally gotten to sleep at some point, but was feeling really groggy.

"Jarvis?" he croaked.

"Good morning, Dr. Banner, it is 11 a.m. The outside temperature is 42 degrees. Sir has left waffles for your breakfast. He is in his workshop."

Bruce sat up, leaning back against the headboard. He wasn't really ready to move yet.

"How is Tony?" It was strange but it was becoming normal to talk to Jarvis as a friend, a friend who was also concerned about Tony.

 "I must say he is rather cheerful this morning. He slept through the rest of the night with no more difficulties. He has asked that you not disturb him today."

"Oh." Maybe Tony wanted to be alone. Jarvis must have picked up the doubt in Bruce's voice, because he continued.

"He said he is not to be disturbed because he is working on a surprise. For you." Bruce thought he heard a smile in Jarvis' voice. Hmmm. Well, that was a good thing, wasn't it? Tony working. A surprise?

"Did he eat?"

"Yes, Dr. Banner. Sir instructed me to tell you that he had breakfast and that 'he is being good.'"

Bruce laughed at that. He took a deep breath. Maybe this could actually be a good day.

After a hot shower, Bruce made his way to Tony's kitchen to find the waffles. Sitting at the counter with his waffles and green tea,  He found himself asking Jarvis questions while he ate, about the weather, the news, what the other Avengers were doing. It was strangely comforting to talk to him. He was beginning to really understand why Tony had made him.

Jarvis also seemed happy to talk to him. Bruce wanted to ask him other questions. Questions about what he had found out the night before. But Bruce had to be really calm for that. Didn't want the Other Guy to break any more of the tower. He figured he'd better go down to the yoga studio and meditate before he got into any of that.

He was about to go down to his floor to get his yoga stuff - most of his clothes had migrated to Tony's bedroom, but not all of them - when his Starkphone rang.

"You have an incoming call from Miss Potts," Jarvis informed him.

_Pepper?_ That was strange. Bruce saw her once in a while, especially at the few events Tony managed to drag him too, but they didn't really talk.

"Hi Pepper?" Bruce answered. The video stream popped up on the phone, showing Pepper seated at her desk, a breathtaking view in the wall of glass behind her.

"Hi Bruce." She smiled a small smile, seeming nervous.

"Um, Tony's in his workshop, maybe he didn't hear his phone?" Bruce figured she was looking for Tony, not him.

"No, I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh. Ok." This wasn't awkward at all, right. He tried to keep his face impassive, not showing the nervousness he now felt around Pepper. He'd never been in a situation like this. Well, obviously. He'd never stolen anybody's _boyfriend_ before and didn't have any idea how to handle it.

"I wanted to ask you - Tony, yesterday, he wasn't doing too well." She was concerned, of course she was concerned. She still cared about Tony, and still looked after him when he was at the office.

"Yeah. He's had a rough time lately. Some nightmares. Some anxiety attacks." Bruce knew that Pepper had been through a lot of this with Tony, he wasn't betraying Tony's trust by talking about it. About the part that she already knew. "He seems to be doing okay today though."

"Good." She paused a beat, then spoke again. "Listen, I wanted to tell you, you've probably realized, but it helps to keep him to routines, you know - sleeping, eating on a schedule, working less than 24 hours straight, like human beings. If you can." She smiled another small smile, but he could see some of the pain behind it.

"I'm trying, believe me."

"He does seem to listen to you more than anybody else."

Was that true? Bruce realized it was, now.

"And, well, I also wanted to say that I'm here, if Tony needs anything. He doesn't really ask for help."

Bruce nodded at that. He didn't know what to say to this. He was extremely grateful to Pepper for offering this, despite how much she was hurting.

"I know. Thank you. Really."

"It's okay. So, I'll let you go." He heard the strain in her voice as she abruptly cut off the call.

Bruce sat back down, just to absorb that for a moment. He wished he had been able to say something better, something more comforting. He wished he felt worthy of Tony's trust.

 

After an hour of meditation, Bruce had got his heart rate down but was unable to really reach a state of peace. He sighed and ran his hand through his unruly curls.

"Dr. Banner," Jarvis interrupted his thoughts. "I have prepared your green tea in the kitchenette."

"Thanks."It was weird to know that Jarvis was always watching, but also nice, in a way. Bruce got up off the floor and padded out to the small kitchen by the yoga studio Tony had built for him, one floor up from the Other Guy's cell. He took the mug of tea and cradled it in his hands.

"Jarvis?"

"Yes, Dr. Banner."

"What do I do? What do I do about this?" He didn't expect answers from Jarvis, but it helped just to talk to him. To have someone who knew Tony that he could lean on.

"I do not know. However, I believe you are already doing a very good job so far, Dr. Banner."

Bruce was confused by that. "With what?"

"Taking care of him. And I sincerely thank you for that." The AI's voice was _full_ of - what? Gratitude? Wow. Now that was something.

"I'm just doing what I can. I hope I'm helping." Bruce took a sip of the tea, just the right temperature. He leaned against the counter. He wished he knew where to look when talking to Jarvis, it was strange just to direct his comments to the ether.

"Did you - did you know about this? About what Stane did?" He forced the question out.

"Sir has never directly mentioned it. However, based on certain…data, I was able to surmise what may have happened. This is the first time my assumptions have been fully confirmed. And this is also the first time I have ever seen Sir discuss this with anyone. He does not trust easily."

"No, he doesn't."

Bruce moved to sit on the small couch in the corner, holding the mug to feel the warmth. He didn't know if he should ask this of Jarvis, but he needed to know.

"Is there anything you can tell me about this? I don't want to pry into Tony's privacy, but I need help here."

For a moment he though the AI was not going to answer, then, "There is something, Dr. Banner. It is not completely public knowledge, but I believe it is important for you to see in order to fully understand the extent of the situation."

"Ok. I trust your judgment." There was probably no one who knew Tony better than Jarvis, and if Jarvis thought it was ok, Bruce had to trust him.

"I can monitor your heart rate and stop the video if necessary."

"Yes. Good. That would be good. Um, go ahead." He had no idea what he was about to see, but if it could help him help Tony, he was willing. No matter how much it might hurt.

Jarvis pulled up a screen along the opposite wall, and he saw Tony, a bit younger, with longer hair - _looked good, he should ask Tony to grow it out a bit._ There was a date in the bottom corner, right about four years ago.

"This is Sir's Malibu house," Jarvis informed him. Bruce hadn't been there yet; he couldn't do long flights. Tony kept promising a cross-country drive together.

Bruce watched as Tony walked to a never-ending couch that took up half the room. A phone was ringing. Tony found it under a white throw and sat, putting the phone to his ear. But behind him came Stane, touching a small device to Tony's other ear.

Tony froze, blood leaking down onto his neck. He was paralyzed as Stane cut off the call and gently lowered his head to rest against the couch, that honeyed voice reminding Tony to breathe.

Bruce's vision flashed green and Jarvis paused the video.

"Deep breaths, Dr. Banner. Deep breaths." Bruce tried and after a while he could see again.

"I was unaware of Mr. Stane's intentions at the time. I was unable to warn Sir. I was unable to stop it." This time, Bruce could definitely hear emotion in the AI's voice. So Jarvis felt responsible too. Guilty for not protecting Tony.

Bruce continued to breathe, and finally he could speak again. "Ok. Continue."

He watched Tony, paralyzed, unable to do anything as Stane stood over him.

"…when I ordered the hit on you…" Stane murmured. _What_? _What_! Bruce felt his heart jump in his chest.  Tony had never shared this with him. Bruce started to shake, watching Tony's eyes, the pain and betrayal clear even though Tony couldn't move.

 Bruce shuddered, feeling the Other Guy roar in the back of his mind. _Not now! Not now!_

Bruce heard Tony's scared voice from the night before. _He always said that I belonged to him. I didn't want to belong to_ him.

_Oh God, Tony…_

As the video continued, Bruce had to ask Jarvis to pause it many many times, just to breathe. And to try not to puke.

Stane _drilled_ into Tony's chest, detaching the reactor and jerking it out of Tony.  _Tearing out his heart…_

"You really think just because you have an idea, it belongs to you?" the gruff voice whispered, almost sweetly. Stane leaned in, close to Tony, too close to Tony. Ironic, Bruce managed to think amidst the turmoil of his emotions, given that Stane seemed to think that he had had a hand in inventing Tony, and that _he_ could do whatever he wanted with him. The larger man looked Tony over, raked him possessively with his eyes.

_Pause. Breathe. Listen to Jarvis' voice. Breathe._

With one last jerk, Stane pulled the reactor free of Tony's body. He was enthralled with it. Bruce did his best to control his shaking as he watched Stane sit next to Tony, telling Tony his plans to make new weapons based on the arc reactor, to destroy everything Tony had started working for.

To destroy every single piece of Tony.

Tony's eyes were moving more, he was starting to come out of it. But they were filled with hopelessness as he watched Stane walking away, leaving with Tony's heart.

_And Tony had survived all of this? It was even more than Bruce could have imagined._

_Pause. Breathe. Breathe._

The feed switched to the elevator. Tony stumbled in, clinging to the wall, barely standing. Sweating, shaking, _dying_ before Bruce's eyes. It got to the point where Tony was crawling across the floor of the garage, trying to make it to his back-up heart, when Bruce gasped out, "Jarvis stop. Stop. Stop, please!"

"Yes. Sorry Dr. Banner." The screen disappeared. "I know that was…difficult to watch."

Bruce closed his eyes and clenched his fists, but he wasn't fighting the Other Guy any more. It seemed that Hulk had learned he wasn't needed for sadness or grief. He let Bruce feel those horrible feelings all by himself.

After a long time he managed to find his voice again.

"Thank you anyway, Jarvis. That does clarify some things."

 Oh God, now all he wanted to do was find Tony and hold on to him, never let him out of his sight. But he couldn't do that. If Tony was having a good day, he didn't want to disturb that.

"Talk to me, Jarvis. What's Tony doing right now? Is he ok?"

"Sir is fine at the moment, Dr. Banner. He is still working in his garage."

Bruce had to handle this on his own for now. Let Tony have a good day. Get some of his energy back.

"Ok. Ok." Bruce stood up to shake off his nervousness, pacing around the room. "And Jarvis, stop the Dr. Banner stuff. Call me Bruce."

"I'm not sure if Sir would -"

"Come on, we're friends now, aren't we?"

There was a pause, as if the AI was thinking about the question. "Yes Dr. - Bruce, I believe we are."

"Good." Bruce smiled at that. It was good to know he wasn't alone in dealing with this.

* * *

Somehow Bruce forced himself to go to his lab and get some work done, and after a while he was able to lose himself in his calculations and experiments. Tony had really given him all the equipment he could ever have dreamed of, and working in the lab made him feel productive and worthwhile.

It was late afternoon when Tony interrupted him.

"Hey Doc." Bruce looked up, drinking in the sight of Tony in the doorway. He was in his tank top and jeans, face and body streaked with sweat and grime. _God, he had to know that was one of his best looks._ And he was smiling, his eyes crinkling with excitement.

Yes, Bruce had made the right decision today. Serious conversations would have to wait for later.

"Hi," Bruce smiled back. "You've been busy today."

"Yes." Tony walked over and grabbed Bruce's hand. "Time for your surprise."

Bruce grasped tightly to Tony's hand, not caring about the grease and grime. He happily followed Tony down to the garage. There was a large object with a sheet draped over it. Tony let go of Bruce's hand to place his hand on the sheet.

"I wanted to do something to thank you for…everything." Tony gestured aimlessly around the room. "So I've been working on this for a while and it's finally ready."

Tony swept the sheet aside to reveal a motorcycle. And old motorcycle that Tony had clearly done some work on. "Ta da." Bruce stepped closer. It looked familiar. Very familiar. As he realized what it was, he felt warmth flush through him.

"Is that… is that the one…?" He stared at the motorcycle, remembering his ride into the chaos of New York, coming back after falling ten thousand feet and waking up, still alive, the only thought in his head being that somehow if Tony Stark believed in him, he couldn't be that bad.

But it couldn't be. It had to have been destroyed.

"The one you rode in on. To save the day. To save my ass." Tony looked up and smiled again. "And because I know you don't know these things, it's a Meriden Triumph Boneville T120R. Well, not exactly anymore. Now it's been upgraded." That smile again. The smile that took over Tony's whole face.

"How did you - how did you find it?" Bruce reached out to touch it, unable to believe it was real. He was amazed at all the work Tony had put into finding and restoring the motorcycle. Just for him.

"I had a lot of people scouring the city looking for it. Kinda found it in pieces. But it runs now. Better. Faster."

Of course, Bruce smiled. Tony wanted everything better and faster. Except for Bruce. He made Bruce feel like he was ok just the way he was.

"It was important," Tony said softly. Looking down, hiding his eyes. "It brought you back to me."

"Tony," Bruce said, his voice overflowing with emotion. He closed the distance to Tony and took his face in his hands, leaning slightly up to kiss the life out of him.

After some time, Tony laughed and pulled back to catch his breath. "I guess you like it?"

"Tony, yes! This is amazing." Bruce ran his hand over the shiny paint job. Of course Tony had added some red and gold to the original gray. "It's perfect."

"There's more."

Bruce quirked an eyebrow at that.

"I know you don't like me buying you stuff, but you're gonna need it if we're gonna go for a ride."

"A ride?"

"Yeah, if you're up for it, we're gonna go for a long ride, out to the middle of nowhere, your favorite place, and then maybe find somewhere to drink bad beer and eat disgusting food. And play pool." The sparkles had returned to Tony's eyes. Bruce was definitely going to save the serious talks for another time.

"That sounds great," Bruce smiled back.

Tony walked over to the table and picked up a large box. He brought it back to Bruce.

"It didn't cost that much. And you can think of it as a present for me, because I get to see you in it."

Bruce opened the box and pulled out a leather jacket. Thick, soft brown leather, but it didn't look like it had cost a million dollars. It wasn't showy, just a really nice jacket. He pulled it on, not hiding his grin from Tony. It fit perfectly of course.

"You look good enough to eat." As always, Tony managed to make Bruce blush, but he didn't care. He didn't care at all.

Bruce smiled at Tony. "It's perfect, Tony. It's all perfect." And Bruce reached to kiss him again, feeling Tony warm and solid against him. _Alive._

_Alive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: all scenes/dialogue from Iron Man 1 do not belong to me! I'm just borrowing them.
> 
> Next chapter will finally have some consensual smut... thanks for your patience all ;)
> 
> As always please comment!


	11. Good Beer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Bruce end up at a biker bar... and Tony misbehaves.

Bruce took a sip of his beer, amazed at the fact that he was actually feeling relatively relaxed. Relatively relaxed sitting at a biker bar with Tony drinking a beer.

They had ridden out of Manhattan until they finally reached sparsely populated stretches of highway where they could speed dangerously and Bruce could feel free, away from all the people and the crush of buildings and things that he could so easily destroy when he had a bad day. It was cold but the new jacket kept him warm, and he was happy to see Tony having fun. He felt the stress and worry of the past few days fading a bit.

The place was basically a shack in the middle of nowhere, with a bar running along the right side of the room, a bunch of ratty tables scattered here and there, a few booths and a pool table in the back. This was the kind of place that Bruce usually didn't like. Too many people. Too much noise. But it wasn't too crowded or too rowdy. For once he didn't feel the need to catalogue every possible threat in the place or look for escape routes.

Bruce looked across the table at Tony, who had his baseball cap pulled down low on his head and was wearing a pair of his tinted glasses. His eyes would always easily give him away, Bruce thought. Nobody had eyes like that. Iron Man wasn't looking to get recognized tonight.

Tony was people watching, his eyes sparkling, his fingers tapping lightly against his beer bottle. Bruce was content just to watch him.

After a moment, Tony must have felt Bruce's gaze, because he turned and smiled, one of his real Tony smiles.

"You ok?" Tony asked.

"Yeah. I'm good."

Tony looked around again, not meeting his eyes now. "So, what'd you do last night? Well, this morning actually. I heard you come back to bed." Tony asked, trying to fake nonchalance, hide his worry. But Bruce saw it.

Bruce smiled his half-smile, the one that Tony loved. "Uh, you won't really believe it. I ended up watching Grey's Anatomy with Steve."

Tony smiled at that. "Huh? Oh, right." He nodded.  "My knight in shining whatever…" At Bruce's shocked look, he continued. "Um…Pepper! Pepper liked it."

"Yeah, Pepper, I'm sure." Bruce took a sip of the beer.  It was his first, and he was going slowly, but it wasn't bad.

"Bet Capsicle loves all that sappy crap." Seeing Bruce's look at his comment, Tony sighed. "Ok, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be such a bitch about him. He's just so…Steve."

"Well that really clears it up." Bruce leaned back in his chair. He was feeling good. Relaxed. And hungry. "So, I'm thinking nachos?" He said to Tony. Tony's smile grew.

"I like the way you think." Tony motioned the waitress over. She walked quickly to the table, smiling widely, but all for Bruce. Tony had noticed it when they ordered their first beers.

"Another for you honey?" Tony saw how the waitress was eyeing Bruce. She was around 30, with long black hair and a lot of curves. Not bad at all if Tony had still been looking. But Tony had stopped looking the moment he had set eyes on Bruce in the helicarrier, it had just taken him a while to figure it out.

"Sure, thanks." Bruce smiled at her. He didn't even notice she was flirting, of course. "And some nachos."

"Coming right up honey." She sashayed off and Tony growled as she went.

"So do they get back together?" Bruce asked him. "Derek and Meredith?"

"I'm not telling you that! You have to watch for yourself!" Bruce laughed. That was a sound that Tony loved. A sound that had taken a long time to bring out of Bruce. A lot of making him feel comfortable, making him feel safe. What he was doing for Tony now.

Tony looked back down at his beer. Today had been a good day. He didn't want to think about _stuff_ today. Just relax.

When the waitress came back with the next round and the nachos she blatantly ignored Tony, slamming down his beer in front of him, but was clearly undressing Bruce with her eyes as she carefully placed his beer down on the table.

"This one's on the house, honey." Bruce's eyes widened a bit as he finally realized what was going on. Tony knew that he had spent so many years trying to be invisible that he wasn't used to somebody paying attention to him. Positive attention, that is. Something Tony was trying to make up for as much as he could.

"Sorry, _honey,_ " Tony said, his voice iron. The waitress' eyes snapped to his. He made sure he could see as he laid his hand possessively on Bruce's knee. "He's taken."

"Oh!" The waitress said, surprised. Out of the corner of his eye, Tony saw Bruce's expression turn worried, but then after a beat, the waitress laughed, a hearty, sexy chuckle. Tony relaxed his face, but kept his hand where it was. "Oh, my bad, guys. Sorry." She winked at Tony then smiled at Bruce. "Still on the house, ok?"

"Thanks," Bruce said. The light was dim but Tony saw him blushing slightly.

Then she turned and went off to another table.

"Tony!" Bruce scolded. "That was-"

"What?" Tony took a big gulp from his new beer. "Rude? I'm not exactly known for my tact."

Then Bruce was laughing again, and the sound warmed Tony's heart, alongside the warmth in his limbs from the beer.

"You're right, it's not."

"Now, if you were talking about intelligence, sexiness, charm…ow!" Tony cried as Bruce's nacho hit him in the face. "Hey! Not in the face!"

"Yeah? Where would you like me to smack you?" Bruce whispered.

"Anywhere you want." And Bruce was laughing again. That beautiful sound.

 

Tony had promised to be good, but even Bruce knew that was impossible. So when Tony stopped him coming out of the men's room and grabbed his hand, pulling him down the hallway, Bruce was not surprised.

"Tony, what are you doing?"

Tony didn't answer, just pulled him into a small storage room, a dark, dank room full of cases of beer and boxes of potato chips. Tony shut the door behind them, then pressed Bruce back against the wall, in a small space not filled with supplies. Tony's mouth was at Bruce's ear, whispering, "I want you in my mouth. Now."

Bruce bit back a moan as Tony kissed a trail down his neck. Tony's beard scratched against Bruce's skin, causing the most delicious shivers through him. But Bruce couldn't let Tony get carried away. He grabbed the other man's shoulders and pulled him up.

"Wait. Wait. Tony, I really don't want to deal with some guys walking in on us and the Other Guy destroying the whole place to keep you from getting beaten up."

Tony kissed him hard, pressing his hips against Bruce's. "Come on, you're stereotyping biker guys, here. Maybe they won't care." Tony tried his patented smile. His hands were roaming over Bruce's chest and down his arms.

Bruce gave him a careful stare. Then he seemed to relax a bit. "Does the door lock?" Tony moved to check and Bruce heard a satisfying click. Tony came back to kiss him again, but Bruce grabbed his arms and pushed him back against the wall and slapped his right hand over Tony's mouth.

Then he pressed his body against Tony's, licking up Tony's neck until his mouth was against Tony's ear.

"Shhh," Bruce growled into his ear. "You're such a danger junkie." He moved back a bit to thrust his leg between Tony's, rubbing against Tony's hard length. Tony moaned under his hand, his eyes both laughing and begging at the same time.

Bruce was in control, he was, but he knew certain things were too dangerous to do in a public place. So he was going to change the script running through Tony's head, and make Tony take _his_ direction.

He put his mouth back to Tony's right ear. "You want to be caught? Is that it?" he breathed hotly, and felt Tony shiver at his words. "Uhhh, yeah, I know you. You probably _do_ want to get caught." Bruce moved his leg back and replaced it with his hand, rubbing Tony's cock through his jeans. Tony arched against him, his hands reaching forward to touch Bruce.

Seeing Tony like his, at his mercy, went straight to his cock, and his own jeans were getting uncomfortably tight. He swatted Tony's arm away, growling in his ear, "Keep your arms down, against the wall."

Tony moved his arms down and pressed his palms flat against the wall, his nails scratching against the wood. Bruce pressed his hand harder against Tony's mouth, moving back a bit to watch Tony's face.

"You don't talk, you don't move unless I tell you to. Get it?" Tony let out a sound that seemed to be agreement, his eyes even wider, if that was possible. Bruce opened Tony's belt, fumbling a bit, trying not to show Tony how much he was affected by this, his coordination already shot. He unzipped Tony's fly and then tugged at his boxer briefs. "Down." He ordered.

Tony reached down and tugged his jeans and boxer briefs down to his thighs, his hard cock immediately standing at attention. Tony was talking under Bruce's hand. Bruce stared hard at him but moved his hand off of Tony's mouth for a moment.

"What?" Bruce asked.

Tony breathed out a moment, then smiled. "Yes. Yes _Sir_. Your wish is my command."

_Oh holy shit._ Tony was gonna kill him. He really was.

This time Bruce shut off Tony's mouth with his own, nipping and biting, welcoming the invasion of Tony's tongue. He felt Tony reach his arms up again and made a disapproving sound against Tony's lips. Tony immediately moved his arms back against the wall, but couldn't stop himself from pressing his cock needily against Bruce's clothed stomach.

Bruce broke the kiss and moved his mouth to Tony's ear again, his left hand reaching down and grasping Tony's length.

"Ah- uh-" Tony gasped as Bruce stroked him slowly, maddeningly slowly.

"You know what I wanna do? What I really want to do? I want to bend you over right here, get you all open for me, and make you scream. Just…" Bruce tightened his fingers, still moving his hand in long, slow strokes up and down. Tony stifled another moan. "...just fuck you till you scream. And they'd walk in on us. Would you like that?"

Bruce pressed his right hand against the wall by Tony's head, to hold himself up. His head was spinning. The real worry of  getting caught here was present in the back of his mind, but was being flooded out by the feeling of Tony in his hand, Tony's moans, Tony exerting superhuman effort to hold himself still against the wall. For Bruce. All for Bruce. "Would you?" he demanded.

"Haaa- yes. Yes Sir," Tony gasped.

_Shit._ That "Sir" again almost undid Bruce. He gripped Tony harder and continued with long, slow strokes.

Tony pressed his hands back against the wall. He was dying to touch Bruce but this game was too fun. He was lost in sensation, not caring if somebody walked in on them. He trusted Bruce and knew the other man would catch him no matter what.

Bruce pulled up harder and ran his fingers over the head of Tony's cock, pressing against the slit. Tony had to bite his lip to keep from making noise. From making them get caught.

Then Bruce stepped back from him and was pulling on Tony's band t-shirt, pulling it over his head, leaving him only in the long-sleeved t-shirt underneath. Bruce moved back in and kissed him again, then whispered, "You're gonna make a mess here."

Tony laughed as Bruce took him in his hand again, not being gentle anymore, but squeezing, stroking harshly, muffling Tony's noises with his own lips, his own mouth. Bruce held the t-shirt in his right hand as his left worked Tony into incoherency. Tony closed his eyes and just gave into the feelings, Bruce's rough hand on his cock, bringing him to the edge, the other hand - still holding the band t-shirt - slipping under the fabric against Tony's stomach and pressing hard.

Tony clenched his teeth, trying not to make too much noise as Bruce moved to growl in his ear. "Show me how much you want it, Tony. Let go."

And Tony did, biting his lip hard, jerking against the wall, and spurting into one of his favorite t-shirts as Bruce's hand kept moving.

"Oh-oh god." Tony couldn't stand it anymore. He moved his hands to grab Bruce's arms and pull him closer, shuddering against him.

He felt like a teenager, a fucking teenager, and it was amazing. He met Bruce's eyes in the dim light and saw the same feelings reflected back. They stayed there, silently holding each other for a minute. Then  Tony groaned. "You are an evil, evil man Dr. Banner."

"Thank you. I'm learning from the best." Bruce smiled and handed him his t-shirt. Tony tucked the mess under his arm.

"What about you?" Tony looked down at the crotch of Bruce's jeans.

"Let's go home and you can show me what you were talking about earlier."

"Yes Sir," Tony smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some smut, finally.  
> sorry, new chapter coming next week.  
> Comments please!


	12. Good Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce's turn for nightmares… and some confessions

Tony was pulled out of a wonderfully sound sleep by Jarvis' insistent voice.

"Sir? Sir, it is urgent you wake up."

_Shit._ Tony grunted and opened his eyes. Ok, he was in his bed. No aliens seemed to be attacking or anything like that. Jarvis raised the lights and Tony saw that Bruce was next to him. But Bruce-

"Dr. Banner seems to be having nightmares. His heart rate is increasing. It is best to wake him as gently as possible."

Oh _shit_. Right. Bruce was clearly suffering, crying out in his sleep. Tony would have to wake him without upsetting the Other Guy.

"Thanks J." Tony sat up and inched closer to Bruce, who was turned away from him, curled up on himself. Tony reached out gently to touch his curls, slowly stroking his hair.

"Bruce," he whispered. "Bruce, it's just a dream."

Bruce moaned and cried out in a terrified voice that made Tony shake. "Tony!"

"I'm right here." He put his hand gently on Bruce's. "You gotta wake up buddy."

Bruce sprang to a sitting position, his eyes popping open, but tried to scramble back away from Tony because - Tony saw - his eyes were glowing green.

_No. No. Not good_. Tony had his bracelets next to the bed, but he didn't want to call the suit, didn't want to do that to Bruce. It wasn't necessary; it would just scare him more. Bruce shrank back against the headboard, staring at Tony with those blazing green eyes. Tony followed him, moved close to him and took his hands, not looking away from those eyes.

"Bruce, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. It was just a dream. Hold on. Stay with me."

Bruce let out a sound, half moan and half growl. Tony decided to address the Other Guy directly. Maybe that would help.

"Big Guy, listen to me," Tony said in the calmest voice he could summon up. "I need Bruce. I really need Banner right now."

Bruce was shaking with the effort to maintain control. He closed his eyes and clutched Tony's hands in a crushing grip. Tony forced himself to continue.

"Tin Man needs Banner. I need him right now. Please." Tony continued, hoping he was getting through. "There's no danger here. Everything's good. We're all good."

Though still shaking, Bruce started doing his deep breathing thing, and Tony watched his skin, searching for flashes of green, but none were appearing.

Then Jarvis' voice surprised him.

"Bruce, the Tower is currently fully secure. I have everything under surveillance. There are no security threats at this time. You and Sir are safe. There is no danger."

Tony felt Bruce squeeze his hands even harder in response to Jarvis' voice, and took it as a good thing. Something was getting through. He saw Bruce's shaking was slowing.

The other man opened his eyes - the green was fading back into brown. That warm brown.

"Tony," Bruce gasped, but it was his voice, not the Other Guy's.

"Right here." Tony answered, his eyes not wavering once from Bruce's.

The last traces of green left Bruce's eyes and then Bruce launched himself at Tony, wrapping him in his arms, his face pressed against Tony's chest. "You okay?" Bruce panted out.

Tony hugged Bruce back, surprised. "Me? Me? I'm fine. I'm fine." He rubbed Bruce's back as Bruce shook against him. He didn't understand this.

"They were after you and I couldn't-I couldn't- I couldn't get to you." Tony cringed at the pain in Bruce's voice.

"Me? You were dreaming about me?" Damn, Tony didn't want that. Didn't want to add to Bruce's worries.

Bruce just nodded against Tony's chest, holding him so tight he was worried about leaving bruises. The dream had been horrifying. He was in a dark warehouse full of seemingly endless dank corridors, and Tony was calling - screaming - for his help. Bruce had willed himself to change, but the Other Guy wasn't there.

_The Other Guy wasn't there and he couldn't help Tony._

It was one of the scariest things he'd ever felt.

Bruce pulled back from Tony, not wanting to completely freak him out. He wiped his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he addressed to Tony, then "Sorry Jarvis. Thank you for your help."

"You're welcome, Bruce." The A.I. answered.

Tony sat back and sighed. "No, everybody, stop. I'm sorry, Bruce. I'm giving you nightmares now."

Bruce shook his head. "No, you're not. You're starting to sound like me. Stop apologizing."

Bruce scooted closer to Tony and Tony pulled him into his arms again, Bruce's head resting on Tony's chest. Bruce kept working on his breathing. Tony was silent.

Bruce didn't want to, he so didn't want to, but at this point he felt he couldn't ignore what he had kept secret the night before. The worry had clearly manifested itself in his nightmare. He couldn't hold it off any more.

"I don't want to here, I really don't want to, but I have to tell you something." He felt Tony's arms tense around him.

"Ok," Tony said, and Bruce heard what he really meant - _No, it's not ok. None of this is ok. I just want all of this to stop._

Bruce ran his hands over Tony's arms which were wrapped around him, his fingers tracing the lines of muscles and scars, then covered Tony's hands in his. "So, this is what we're gonna do. I'm going to tell you this thing and we're both gonna try not to freak out."

Tony huffed a small laugh at that.

"Good plan," he snarked.

"Yeah, well, that's all I got right now. You in?"

"Yeah," Tony said softly against the back of Bruce's head.

"The night before last" - _god, had been such a short time? - "_ when you were dreaming…um, you - you shouted out a name. A name that I later recognized. So, I know. I know who."

Bruce felt Tony shudder against him, but not let go.

"Shit. Shit!"

Bruce sat up and looked at Tony. He looked terrified, ready to flee. Bruce kept hold of his hands. Tony was looking around the room, as if searching for an escape route.

"I-I can't - I can't do this here. Talk about this here. Can we go out? Take a walk?" He asked desperately.

"Sure. Sure. Whatever you want."

Tony jumped up and went to the closet. They dressed quickly - Bruce in jeans and a sweater and Tony in jeans and a hoodie - even at night the city was filled with paparazzi. They grabbed their coats from the closet and headed downstairs.

Tony was quiet in the elevator, and Bruce had a moment to think, going back to his dream. It still had him reeling. He had spent so many years trying to get rid of the Other Guy, but now he couldn't deny that if he didn't have the Other Guy, he couldn't help Tony.

Could he imagine watching Tony throw himself into battle - and he knew nothing would ever keep Tony from throwing himself into battle - and stay behind, knowing he couldn't help? Couldn't do _anything_?

That was a horrifying thought. At that, he felt a twinge of agreement in the back of his head.

_Protect Shellhead._

_Yes,_ Bruce thought back. _We will. Always._

 

They came out of Stark Tower and fell into the flow of the crowd that always seemed to fill the city, even in the middle of the night; something that Bruce could never really get used to. Tony started babbling - about the Christmas decorations that were already up, about the boring board meeting the day before, about Steve's cooking…

Bruce had catalogued Tony's different types of babbling. He had many and he usually employed them well. There was happy babbling, Bruce's favorite kind, frightened babbling, the worst, strategic babbling when Tony was purposely trying to distract someone, bored babbling, "get out of my face" babbling, and, right now, he was doing avoidance babbling. Just talking about whatever he could so he could avoid the real topic. Right.

Bruce just walked calmly beside him and let him carry on. Pushing Tony was not going to accomplish anything. After a few blocks Tony excitedly looked up.

"Oh, Starbucks! Wait here!" Bruce smiled indulgently as Tony ducked in and after a while came out with two drinks. He handed one to Bruce.

"Thanks."  Bruce sipped his green tea and suspiciously eyed Tony's extra large cup as they started ambling along the sidewalk again, no specific destination in mind. "You didn't. Tell me you didn't. You got a double caramel macchiato, didn't you?"

Tony smiled slightly. "A triple actually."

"You're insane. That's just diabetes in a cup."

They walked along in silence for a moment. Then a group of late night partiers passed by, laughing drunkenly. One of the guys playfully pushed another and he bumped hard into Tony. Tony gave him a harsh glare, managing not to spill his coffee, while instinctively grabbing Bruce's hand with this left.

Bruce squeezed Tony's hand and pulled him forward, hoping to avoid an altercation. Tony let the group go, but kept a tight hold of the other man's hand. Even though they were in public, Bruce realized.

Then came Tony's voice, that soft whisper that hurt Bruce's heart.

"Shit. Is this what you feel like? Scared all the time?"

Bruce wasn't sure how to answer that. "Not all the time. Not lately anyway." He looked up at Tony, trying a small smile.

"The other night, it was so…so fucking _awful_. God. It was like I wasn't here anymore. I wasn't in the now. I was back there…with him." Tony moved his eyes to the street ahead. Bruce figured it was easier for him to talk that way, if he didn't have to look Bruce in the eyes.

"I know. I know."

"And you didn't - " Tony shook his head and sighed, then sipped his coffee. The next thing he said was so soft Bruce almost didn't catch it. "I know you don't want me to say this, but I am sorry. I'm so fucking sorry I'm doing this."

"What? Tony, you're kidding right?" Bruce tried to look him in the eye but Tony wasn't having it. Bruce looked around, then pulled Tony across the street to a small park, sitting him down on a bench under bare trees. Bruce sat next to him, still holding on to his hand.

Bruce stared at Tony, his face serious.

"You really think it's your fault?"

"I don't know. I don't know." Tony said softly, shaking his head.

Bruce let that lie. It was too big an issue to delve into at the moment. But he had to reassure Tony somehow.

"You know, though, it's ok to be scared. It's a really really scary thing."

Tony nodded but didn't look up at him. He kept staring at the coffee cup in his other hand. Bruce squeezed his hand.

"It's also ok to tell me you're scared. To show me you're scared. It's ok." Tony softly squeezed his hand back. "I'm not gonna run away because of that. I'm not."

Tony looked up at that, and Bruce saw, from his eyes, that he had gotten it right. Tony was actually afraid of scaring Bruce off with this stuff. _Oh god. No, that wasn't gonna happen. Ever._

"You gotta know that. You have to."

Tony sighed and swallowed. "I know, I guess, but… god, I didn't want you to know all this _stuff_."

"Well, I do. And now we can…" Bruce shrugged.

"Deal with it?" Tony cut in, sarcastically.

"We have actually dealt with worse." Bruce said calmly. Tony seemed to take a moment to think about that, and, given the opening, Bruce went on. "And you don't have to be Iron Man all the time."

"I-" Tony looked set to start off on a rant, so Bruce pushed ahead, cutting him off.

"Sh. I actually don't like Iron Man." At Tony's shocked face he rushed ahead. "I mean, Iron Man is great. He's done a lot of amazing things. He's awesome, heroic, all that stuff. And he throws great parties. But I don't like him. I like Tony. I love Tony."

He gave the engineer a moment to hear that. He wanted Tony to really hear the next thing he said. "Even when he's not Iron Man. Even if he weren't Iron Man at all."

Tony heard Bruce's words. He saw the sincerity in Bruce's eyes and heard it in his words, but it was too much to absorb all at once. To give himself a moment, to let those words settle in his brain, and in his heart, he brought his cup back up to his mouth and realized it was empty. He turned his head and tossed the cup into a nearby trash can. Then he turned back to the other man, but found he couldn't look him in the eyes.

It was too big. Too much. Tony felt a pressure in his chest, in his heart, but this time he knew it wasn't fear.

_Come on, you idiot. Speak._

"It was scary. I was always scared." He forced himself to meet Bruce's eyes again, and felt that warmth from him. That safety. "I feel like they took turns trying to see who could destroy me. Obie and my father."

"I know how that feels." Bruce whispered. Tony nodded. He knew Bruce understood.

They sat in silence for a while, Tony closing his eyes to feel the brisk cold air rushing past his face.

"They couldn't do it." Bruce said.

"What?" He looked back at his shy scientist - his fucking rock right now.

"Destroy you."

At that Tony surprised Bruce by leaning against him and resting his head on Bruce's shoulder, just resting there, silently. Calmly.

"You realize this constitutes PDA?" Bruce teased after some time had passed.

"No," Tony turned his head, his mouth near Bruce's, his breath against Bruce's lips. " _This_ is PDA." Tony wrapped his hand around the back of Bruce' head and pulled him close for a fierce kiss.

Bruce could think of ten million reasons why this wasn't a good idea - kissing Tony in public - but none of that mattered with Tony's lips against his. He grabbed Tony and kissed him back. Possessively. If he'd learned one thing from Tony, it was not to let anybody take his stuff. And that included the man in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapters! Have next two chapters almost finished, I swear!


	13. Good News?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony tries to protect Bruce's identity as their relationship is about to be made public... and Fury has some news for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed the ending to this chapter, wasn't happy with it

"Sir. Sir, wake up." Jarvis was _whispering_ to Tony _?_ Waking him up again? God, he was actually sleeping for once!

Tony cracked open his eyes and looked at the clock. Damn, he'd only been asleep for about 2 hours, since he and Bruce got back from their nighttime stroll. What was Jarvis on about? Tony quickly looked over at Bruce, but Bruce was asleep.

"What is it, J?" Tony found himself whispering back.

"There is an urgent matter that requires your attention."

 _Right now? Ugh._ Tony sat up and shook his head, trying to focus. He grabbed a pair of sweatpants and pulled them on as he stepped out of the bedroom.

"What is it?" he addressed to Jarvis, closing the bedroom door behind him so they wouldn't wake Bruce.

"It appears that the press has obtained pictures of you and Bruce in the park last night."

"What?"

Jarvis pulled up a screen in the middle of the living area, and Tony saw a picture of him and Bruce. On the park bench the night before. At the moment Tony kissed him. _Shit._

"Several on-line gossip sites are planning to release articles in approximately two hours."

"Ok. Ok. Damn. Get some coffee going down in the workshop. We've got to deal with this."

* * *

Four coffees later, Tony and Jarvis had figured out a solution. Kind of. It was problematic to completely block publication of the articles, so Tony had Jarvis shore up Bruce's cover. Since Bruce had joined their boy band, Tony and S.H.I.E.L.D. had set up an impenetrable cover for him to keep Bruce's real identity from falling into the hands of journalists or crazed fans of the Avengers. Bruce had been nervous about it, as he had been nervous about staying in New York, but so far it hadn't been cracked.

Tony instructed Jarvis to erase all traces, anything that could lead people to who Bruce really was. To screen everything. 'Screen everything' was not an impossible task for Jarvis, but it did take some time.

After several hours, Tony finally sat back in his chair, his eyes scanning the holographic screens all around him. Everything seemed under control. He would tell Bruce about the situation when he woke up. But Tony was worried.  Bruce would certainly not be happy about having his picture published. It was just another element of risk that he didn't need. And it was all Tony's fault.

_All your fault._

_Fuck._ Could he get through one day without fucking things up?

 

Maybe he could soften Bruce up with some breakfast. Blueberry pancakes, that would be good. One of the few things he knew how to make. _Hi honey, I made breakfast. And by the way, because I'm such an idiot, the world might find out who you are and make you run off and leave me forever._

Sighing, he went to the elevator and instructed Jarvis to take him to the common floor. He was out of blueberries in the penthouse.

When Tony walked in, he saw that Natasha was in the communal kitchen, joking with Clint. It was a Saturday and most of the team was at the Tower, just relaxing in sweats and jeans.

Tony normally found himself terrified of Natasha  - he respected her greatly, but there was the whole - she could rip his balls out through his throat without breaking a sweat - thing, but now his fear was at a different level. This was _personal._  She knew stuff about him now.

So, feeling like a complete wimp, he turned his back to her as he went to the kitchen counter and poured himself another coffee, hoping she would just ignore him. With his back turned, he didn't see Steve come in until he brushed by Tony to grab a banana from the fruit bowl on the counter. His large shoulder slid along Tony's back, bumping him slightly forward. Tony immediately tensed. He felt his heart skip a beat and his throat close up.

"Sorry, Tony," Steve said over his shoulder as he walked away. _Shit!_ Tony felt the hand holding his coffee mug start to shake. In a flash he felt another hand covering his softly. A smaller hand. He looked up to meet Natasha's green eyes. She was right next to him, her eyes calm. Without saying anything, without attracting the others' attention, she gently helped him put the coffee mug down on the counter, but kept hold of his hand, her smaller hand strong and reassuring around his.

"Tony, good, I need your help with something." She started to lead him out of the room. He glanced back nervously and saw Clint and Steve sitting on the couch, eating and talking, ignoring them. Ignoring him. Not seeing that he was about to fall apart, thank god.

Natasha led him quickly out of the room, into the hallway. The door to the common room shut behind him and he tried to let out a breath. Nat kept hold of his hand even as he sagged against the wall, frantic. He didn't want to start shaking, start falling apart over something so small, so stupid!

"Look at me, Tony." Natasha held his gaze calmly, as if she were pouring her strength right into him through her eyes. "Breathe. Breathe for me. You're ok."

He tried, but his legs decided to stop holding him up and he slid down to slump against the wall. Natasha followed, kneeling on the floor in front of him. Her left hand reached to grab his, so she was holding tight to both his hands and holding his gaze.

"Breathe" she ordered, but not harshly.

So he did. He tried. In. Out. Ok. Ok. He could do this. Maybe. He felt his heart pounding, but there was no piercing pain.

"Good. Good," she said. "That's good. I got you. You're ok."

Tony nodded, incapable of speech. He was sure he would feel embarrassed - horribly embarrassed - about this later, but right now he had no room to. No energy for that. He was just grateful that she was there and she hadn't let him make a fool of himself in front of everyone else.

So he just nodded at her.

"You got four Avengers in the tower right now. We got your back, no matter what. Even when you piss us off, we got your back." She smiled.

"Yeah." He swallowed. His voice was returning. He almost felt like he could breathe too.

"Do you want me to get Bruce?"

Tony shook his head at that. He didn't want Bruce to have to come running every time he fell apart. He wished he could stop falling apart like an idiot.

They just sat there quietly, until Tony's breathing returned to normal. He nervously pulled his hands back from hers and wrapped his arms around himself, not quite ready to get up yet. Natasha moved to sit against the wall next to him.

"So," the assassin smiled, her voice kind. "Are you just going to be all weird around me now? Is that the plan?"

"Huh?" He almost felt himself blush at that, except for the fact that he was Tony Stark, and Tony Stark didn't blush. "Oh…I…yeah pretty much. That was it," he admitted.

She shook her head. "You think I can't keep a secret?"

"No, I don't doubt that."

"You want to win even at this, Tony? If you can't be the best, at least you can be the most fucked up? You think I don't have _things_ in my past too?" She looked away from him. "We all have those things that we don't want to see the light of day. Isn't that part of what makes us "heroes"?" She said "heroes" with the same derision that Tony often used for the word, and he was struck again how similar they were.

"No, I…no."

"Then just stop."

Tony was going to say something else, when a sharp laugh from Clint interrupted his thoughts.

"Holy Shit! Bruce, look at this! You guys made the news." Clint laughed.

_Bruce? Bruce was up?_

"Oh my god." That was Bruce's voice. Shocked. And afraid.

 _Shit. Good move, Tony._ He got to his feet, still kind of unsteady, and rushed back into the common area, Natasha following him. Tony stopped to prop himself up against the kitchen counter, his eyes searching for Bruce. His heart was racing for a different reason now. Shit, he meant to talk to Bruce before he saw the article. _Just another patented Tony Stark fuck up!_

Jarvis had brought up a screen that showed the headline - UNKNOWN MAN STEALS IRON MAN'S HEART? And underneath, a picture of him and Bruce. On the park bench the night before. At the moment Tony kissed him.

Bruce was standing in the middle of the room. He must have come in directly from the elevator. He was clearly trying to control his breathing.

"Is that me?" He strode closer to the screen, shaking, his eyes turning slightly green. His eyes found Tony's. "Tony, god, no." He shook his head, as if that could make this go away.

 Tony took a step toward him.

"Bruce. Bruce, it's ok. I've had Jarvis-"

"How is this ok? How on earth is this ok? What if they find out who I am?" He scanned the article, his eyes speeding across the screen. Tony's heart clenched. Bruce looked terrified, like he was ready to throw all his belongings into a backpack and run away. Forever.

"They won't. I made sure."

Bruce looked up at Tony, his eyes struggling to stay brown but full of rage. "What do you mean? You knew about this?"

The last word was a growl. At that Tony saw Steve get up from the couch and take a step towards Bruce.

"Bruce, I know you're mad here, seems like you have a right to be, but let's try to stay calm."

Tony felt Natasha move up behind him, her hand gently touching his back, as if protecting him. Tony tried to take a deep breath. He had to fix this. He had to get Bruce to understand.

Bruce glanced at Steve out of the corner of his eye. He saw that Steve was not moving, not running away, and that even Clint and Natasha were staying put. Not running from his anger. He still wasn't used to that.

He took a deep breath and stared at Tony. "Did. You. Know. About. This?" His voice furious, but steady.

"Uh…yeah," Tony admitted with a sigh. "Jarvis notified me early this morning. But wait-"

"Tony! How could you do this? How could you let them publish it? If people find out who I am…" Bruce felt dizzy. He grabbed for a chair and fell into it. He couldn't believe Tony had let this happen. He had trusted Tony with everything. How could he have done this?

"It's ok. I promise. I had Jarvis kind of hack…the world. Really shore up your cover. Nobody will find out who you are." Bruce just stared at him, his eyes full of betrayal. "Listen," Tony took a step towards him, not even caring about their audience. "The people that know who you are already know where you are. They know that if they want you they have to come through me to get you."

At that, Steve took a step closer to Bruce. "No, Tony, that's not true. They have to come through all of us."

Bruce looked at Steve, who had his - _I'm Captain America, don't mess with me_ \- expression on his face. Then he glanced at Nat and Clint. They were nodding too.

 

Bruce managed to nod slightly back at that.

"And the people who don't know who you are will continue not to know," Tony went on, stepping closer to where Bruce was sitting.

"But Tony! How could you be so irresponsible. It's my life! My identity! How could you let this get published?" His voice was pained. Tony hadn't meant to do this, to cause this.

Tony took a seat in front of Bruce, at the kitchen table. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't think…it wasn't irresponsible. I mean, that's not why I did it."

"Then why? Help me understand here?" He could see Bruce was really trying not to freak out. Tony swallowed.

"It's not…You know, my whole life the press has followed me, recorded every stupid and horrible thing I did. My whole life. Everything. All my mistakes. All the stuff I'm embarrassed about, horrified about. But I finally, _finally_ have something that I care about, that I'm kind of proud of and…I guess…I wanted to show you off a little."

 _What?_ That stopped Bruce's anger cold.Tony's expression was open, and pained.

"I'm kind of proud that you're with me, Bruce. I didn't mean to put you in danger."

 _Proud? Show him off?_ That didn't compute at all. Bruce was so used to hiding, disappearing, that he never thought that Tony would want to show him off. Could want to show him off.

Bruce shook his head, trying to focus.

Tony took a chance and put his hand over Bruce's. Bruce didn't brush him off, but his eyes were still full of pain. "Can we - can we go upstairs?" Tony asked. "talk about this in private."

Bruce nodded and Tony followed him to the elevator, glancing back at the others. He was too afraid of Bruce's anger at him that he couldn't fully grasp how the others had rushed to protect Bruce.

When they got to the penthouse, Bruce collapsed onto the couch, gesturing at Tony.

"So, talk."

Tony stood before him, feeling ready to grovel, anything, just to get rid of the hurt, helpless look in Bruce's eyes.

Instead, he said, "He's not going to get to you."

"What?"

"Ross. He's not going to get to you."

"You can't promise that." Bruce's sigh was painful, and his eyes far off, remembering his own horrors.

"Actually, I can." Tony forced his voice to be confident. "I…um…I've had him under 24-hour surveillance for a while now. And I have people standing by, just waiting for my word." Tony stared hard at him, making sure he understood what that word would mean.

Bruce didn't know how he felt about that, so he pounced on another issue. "Since when? How long have you had him under surveillance?"

"Truthfully? Since about 10 minutes after I met you." Tony stopped to let that sink in for Bruce, just holding his gaze.

"I - you - "Bruce was speechless at that. That Tony had gone to such lengths to protect him even when they were just friends. When they had just met?

Tony saw Bruce's expression soften a bit at that, and moved forward to sit next to him.

"I knew you were important. Were gonna be important to me." Tony put his hand on Bruce's thigh, feeling the tight tension still running through him.

"I - but - you - you can't do things like this without telling me first. Seriously. You can't."

"I get that. I do. I'm sorry."

Bruce stared at Tony, with that look that seemed to burrow inside him, seeing everything and accepting it. Tony swallowed, his throat tight.

Then Jarvis was interrupting them. "I am sorry, Sir, but Director Fury is here to see you. He is waiting for you and Bruce in the main conference room."

 _Seriously? Could this day get any worse?_ Tony wondered.

* * *

Fury was, well, _furious,_ Bruce saw, as he followed Tony into the conference room, taking a seat as far from where the Director was standing as he could. Tony sat in between them.

"Stark, what the hell!" Fury threw a NY Daily News at Tony, with a front page picture of their kiss.

"Is this for real or some kind of stunt?"

"It's for real," Tony said. "As real as I've ever been." Tony's voice was calm and steady.

Fury stared at Tony, it seemed that even he was having trouble processing the situation. Bruce didn't blame him. Finally, Fury just shook his head and sighed.

"Listen, I could care less about your extra-curricular activities. But you getting in the press making out with another Avenger is the worst of your worst ideas ever. And you've had a lot of bad ones."

"Well, I wasn't really planning on the whole world knowing. I have done some damage control."

"That we'll have to talk about. And do more. A lot more." Another sigh. "And you, Banner," Fury took a step closer to where Bruce was sitting. Bruce tensed, but didn't have time to answer, because Tony was on his feet, placing himself between Fury and Bruce.

"No." Tony's eyes were blazing. "You do not speak to him. He knows nothing about this." Tony was openly snarling, his hands in fists, staring down the taller man.

Fury just looked at him for a moment, then huffed. "Good god, Stark, do you always have to be such an asshole?"

"Yes," Tony replied. "It's in my contract."

And the most incredible thing happened. Bruce felt himself burst out laughing. _Laughing!_ In a situation where six months ago he would have been terrified. Ready to run and hide. But seeing Tony ready to fight for him, acting as his own personal avenging angel, make him feel strong, and safe, even when facing SHIELD. Bruce couldn't believe it.

He did feel he should intervene, though, before punches were actually thrown. "Director Fury, I would never have agreed to have my picture in the paper. I really had no knowledge of this."

Fury looked from Tony to Bruce. "That I can believe."

"And so far, the press has been all positive," Bruce continued. "Jarvis?"

Jarvis pulled up several screens showing a myriad of newspapers, websites and statistics about the picture of Tony and Bruce. Tony turned to scan it, staying between Fury and Bruce. His eyes wrinkled.

"They called me cute!" he said, offended.

Bruce looked at him. "I think that is the least of our problems right now."

Fury's eyes were rapidly reviewing the data, still concerned. "Stark, I want you in my office tomorrow morning to deal with this. This isn't even the reason I'm here," Fury said. "There's other news. Seeing as you are so happy to get press, Stark, I wanted to make sure you understood that this is something that is not to be leaked. Talking to the press will amount to treason." Fury looked pointedly at both of them. "Understand?"

Bruce nodded quickly. Tony rolled his eyes and then said. "Understood boss."

"Now let's all stay calm here." Fury looked pointedly at Bruce, then got up and opened the door of the conference room.  "Ok," he spoke to someone in the hall. Then the person came into the room.

Bruce stared, wondering if it was a trick. It was Coulson. Agent Coulson. Who was dead. He'd been killed by Loki, right? He was dead. Except, well, he obviously wasn't now. Anymore. He looked pretty alive, walking into the room and smiling.

"Hi guys," the not-dead agent said.

Bruce didn't feel the Other Guy saying anything about this. Coulson didn't seem to be a threat, and the fact that he was alive wasn't even all that surprising, after everything they had all seen in the past six months. Bruce had no problem staying calm.

But he heard a strangled gasp from Tony, and turned to see him staring at Coulson, his eyes wide as saucers. Tony was silent, which was never a good thing. Bruce stood up, moving closer to Tony, ready for anything.

"Phil," Tony said, his voice full of wonder.

"Yeah," the agent smiled. "Hi Tony."

"Are you real?" Tony's voice was gaining strength, returning to normal.

"I'm pretty sure I am."

"That's good. That's fucking good news, for once." Tony turned to smile at Bruce, and Bruce felt himself smile back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably screwing with the timeline, but I'm only on season 1 of AOS, sorry. I just couldn't leave Tony thinking Coulson was dead.


	14. Good Pizza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God, this. Tony curling up against him at every opportunity. Tony accepting his touch even when he was scared out of his mind. Tony accepting him. Bruce would do anything not to lose this. Not to lose Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the huge delay in posting. This chapter might be a bit too super-fluffy, but I'm in a weird mood lately. Hope you enjoy.

Debriefings were never brief. Fury talked endlessly, it seemed to Tony, who kept just staring at Phil. Back-from-the-dead Phil. Who went on and on about Tahiti, which Tony didn't believe for one second, but he didn't pry. Phil was allowed to keep his own demons close to his vest.

And anyway, Phil was alive. Alive and sitting there at the conference table. It shouldn't be so hard for Tony to wrap his head around, but it was.

A small part of him even wondered if Nick had somehow faked Phil's death, you know, as a fucking team-building exercise. That was something he would have to look into.

Fury finally let them go after getting a promise from Tony - practically signed in blood - that they would meet the next day to discuss the "press situation".

So Tony found himself slumped against the wall of the elevator, and forced himself to look Bruce in the eye. Bruce had been his usual introverted, quiet self for the rest of the meeting. And Tony couldn't really read his eyes right now.

"Um…Are you still mad at me?" Tony made himself ask, feeling like an idiot.

Bruce sighed. "Do I look green?"

Tony looked hard. "No." He looked sad more than anything.

"Then not too much. I mean, I'm pissed, ok. I am really really pissed at you Tony."

Tony nodded at that. He got it. He totally got it.

"But I'm not _angry._ " On the last word there, though, some levity crept into Bruce's voice. Oh thank god.

Tony risked a small smile. "I'm sorry. Like, really."

There it was! Bruce's small half-smile, the one that drove him crazy. For the first time that day, Tony felt like he could breathe.

Then elevator stopped and Tony realized they were on the communal floor.

"Jarvis?"

"I've taken the liberty of ordering your favorite pizza sir. The delivery man is on his way up."

"Awesome J."

 

They ate sitting at the counter on the common floor. Tony went into nervous babbling mode, which Bruce eventually just tuned out. There was too much to think about, too much to process. He couldn't do it all right now. So he just ate the pizza and tried to be calm.

Tony had screwed up, and Tony would screw up in the future. They both would, Bruce knew.

He had been so afraid to take this chance, try to believe that somebody could love him. After they had moved to "more than friends", Bruce finally realized that Tony had been scared too. But Tony did what he did with most everything that scared him - threw himself wholeheartedly at it - literally in this case.

And Bruce was so glad that he had. Glad that Tony had not given up until he had torn down all of Bruce's barriers.

He looked up from his plate to watch Tony, chewing and talking about his ideas for the Mark XXIII. He wanted to just forgive him and let this go, but he was still thrown, terrified at the thought of the army finding him, even though Steve and the others had promised they would protect him. They didn't know.

They didn't know so many things. Even Tony didn't know. He suppressed his own shudder and picked up his empty plate, taking it to the sink. Tony stopped talking, his worried eyes following Bruce.

Bruce ran his hand nervously through his curls. "So, I think I'm gonna go do some work. Just to clear my head."

Tony nodded. "Sure. Sure. I'll - yeah, me too." He knew he had to be good, give Bruce some space. So he forced himself to be quiet as he watched Bruce go to the elevator. Bruce threw Tony one of his small smiles as the doors closed around him.

Once Bruce was gone, Tony sagged in his chair, putting his head in his hands. _Fuck!_

"Sir?" After a few moments, Jarvis interrupted his pity party.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry to bother you, but I thought you should know that you have 216 messages from the media, most of them related to this morning's article."

"Shit. I guess we'll have to get the press office on that. " Tony sighed. Right now, he would follow Bruce's example, just go down to the workshop and lose himself for awhile. Just leave all this shit for later. Much much later.

* * *

It was getting late when Bruce finally tore himself away from his experiments to look at the clock. He also realized he was hungry. And tired.

"Jarvis? Where's Tony?"

"He is still in his workshop. And he has not eaten yet."

"Thanks," Bruce said, taking the hint. After taking off his gloves and lab coat and washing his hands, he went up to the communal kitchen looking for something to bring Tony for dinner. There was fresh ciabatta bread, so he put together a couple of panini. Tony had a fridge packed with water and soda (and beer) in the workshop, so he didn't bother with drinks.

He hoped Tony would take this as kind of a peace offering.

Jarvis opened the doors to Tony's workshop for him. Bruce looked around, but didn't see Tony right away.

"Tony?" No answer. Bruce put the tray of sandwiches down on the table by the couch in the corner of the room. His eyes finally lit on Tony and he felt a smile creep onto his face. Tony was fast asleep, sprawled across a bench, his face resting on his arm, tools scattered around him. As Bruce approached him, Dummy rolled up to him, beeping anxiously.

"It's ok, Dummy," Bruce whispered. "I'll take care of him."

"Bruce, Sir slept a total of 1.3 hours last night. It would be advisable for him to rest."

"Yeah. I know." Bruce touched Tony lightly on the shoulder and Tony jumped awake, half awake at least.

"Huh? Wha-?" He looked up at Bruce, his eyes clouded and tired.

"It's me. It's just me. Come on, time to lie down."

Bruce wrapped his arm around Tony's waist and somehow hoisted him to a standing position. Tony threw his arm around Bruce's shoulders and they half-walked, half-stumbled over to the couch. They tumbled down onto the couch, Tony sprawling across Bruce, his eyes closing again. Bruce nudged him to move a bit until Bruce was stretched out on his back with Tony lying half on top of him, Tony's head against Bruce's chest and Bruce's arm around his back.

Tony groaned and curled closer into Bruce, burying his face against' Bruce's neck, whiskers tickling Bruce's skin. Bruce tightened his arm around Tony. Holding on. Always holding on.

God, _this._ Tony curling up against him at every opportunity. Tony accepting his touch even when he was scared out of his mind. Tony accepting him. Bruce would do anything not to lose this. Not to lose Tony.

Seeing his photo on the internet this morning made all his instincts scream at him to run. Just run. Cut his losses and go back into hiding. But he couldn't. He just couldn't. His instincts had also told him not to let Tony get too close. Not to get used to this. To having - yes, a home. And somebody who loved him.

Bruce was realizing that a lot of the time, his instincts were wrong.

Bruce smiled as Dummy rolled over to him, pulling along a blanket. He took it from Dummy's claw and covered Tony. Tony's snoring gradually picked up and evened out, and Bruce figured that a little noise wouldn't wake him.

"Jarvis, can you put on Grey's Anatomy please?"

"Of course."

The holographic screen came to life at the perfect distance for Bruce to view, and he relaxed into the couch, his hand rubbing idly against Tony's back. He felt safe. At home.

Tony slept soundly through several episodes, and Bruce let himself get embarrassingly wrapped up in the show. He hardly noticed when Tony moved a bit, until Meredith was making a big speech to Derek, and Bruce heard the words in stereo, out of Tony's mouth by his ear as Meredith said them.

"...So pick me, choose me, love me," Tony whispered against Bruce's neck.

Bruce turned to look at him as Jarvis automatically paused the video. His eyes were worried, afraid. Bruce wrapped his left hand around the back of Tony's neck and pulled him in tight for a kiss, trying to express some of the jumble of emotions flowing through him. Tony kissed him back, sighing against Bruce's mouth.

They eventually broke apart and Tony rested his head on Bruce's shoulder.

 "But seriously, how much have you watched this show?" Bruce teased

Tony laughed. He looked up, his eyes bright now. "I'm gonna plead the fifth on that." Then he saw the tray of sandwiches. "Oh, food!" He leaned across Bruce to grab a sandwich, propping himself against Bruce's chest to eat.

"Yeah, go ahead, just use me as a table."

Tony raked his eyes over Bruce. "Well, I think I just used you as a mattress. You're a pretty awesome mattress actually."

"Thank you. I'll add that to my resume."

Tony shook his head. "Nope. No you won't. You can only be _my_ mattress."

Bruce laughed and grabbed his own sandwich.

"Seriously. I'll put it in the contract. Your duties: science bro, wife and mattress." Tony took a big bite of his sandwich. When he swallowed, he added, "Kickass green rage monster goes without saying."

"Why do you assume you're the husband?"

"Are you kidding? Cause I am. I totally am." Tony used the hand that wasn't holding his sandwich to count. "I'm the one who works too much. Forgets anniversaries. Birthdays. Hell, I'd forget Christmas if it weren't for all the decorations and crap. And tries to buy your forgiveness through ridiculously inappropriate gifts." Tony smiled down at him.

He popped the last bite of his sandwich into his mouth and chewed, thinking. "So, what do you want? What about Pluto? You think they'd sell us Pluto? Install some gravity and oxygen generators. Nobody around, the Other Guy could have a ball."

Bruce chewed slowly, thinking. Thinking about how Tony was still half on top of him, their hips pressed together. Tony's leg resting between his own. How his body was noticing Tony's warmth, Tony's nearness.  Bruce shifted a bit, pressing himself closer to the engineer.

"I don't know about Pluto. But I do also accept sexual favors."

"We can definitely do that," Tony smiled.  He shifted till he was fully lying on top of Bruce. Bruce threw the rest of his sandwich in the direction of the table. He heard it land and heard Dummy chasing after it, but then he couldn't concentrate on anything but Tony's lips on his. 


	15. Be Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce decides to test out their new safewords...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is coherent. Very tired today.

Tony was draped over Bruce, kissing the life out of him. Bruce ran his hands up and down the engineer's back, pulling him closer. Tony's kisses were hot and invasive, and Bruce could get lost in them, so he let himself get a bit lost, melt a bit, but then pulled back to look Tony in the eyes.

Those amazing eyes, looking down at him. Questioning.

"Sorry, but I think I'm gonna have to use the f-word again here," Bruce said, lightly. Raised eyebrows at that. "How are you…feeling?" Bruce punctuated his question by pressing his hips up, feeling the friction against Tony's hard length. Tony pushed back, giving a small moan. He smiled.

"Mmmm. I'm feeling very "green". Very very green here." That smile! "Green means go, keep going, don't stop." He leaned in again and kissed Bruce greedily, his hands on Bruce's shoulders, his body grinding down against Bruce's, seeking that glorious friction.

Bruce let him for a few moments, then pushed up at Tony's shoulders, trying for a stern look on his face.

"Wait."

Tony stopped moving, just looking down at Bruce. He saw Tony was confused, but waiting to see where Bruce would take things.

"I think -" He forced his voice to harden; it was what Tony needed when they were playing this game. "I think I'm still pissed at you. Because you don't think before you do things." Bruce pushed at Tony's shoulders until he took the hint and sat back, letting Bruce slide out from under him. "I think you need to be punished for that." He couldn't help the small smile that crept on to his face, and knew Tony saw it.  "Do you agree?"

"Oh." Tony's eyes widened and, though it seemed impossible, so did his smile. "Yes. Absolutely." He swallowed. "Yes, Sir."

"Ok. So, upstairs. Now."

They managed to untangle themselves from the couch and make it the elevator, holding on to each other. The moment the doors closed, Tony was on Bruce, devouring his mouth. Bruce leaned into him, pressing Tony against the back wall. Tony's hands were frantic at the buttons of Bruce's shirt, but Bruce grabbed his wrists and slammed Tony's hands back against the wall. At that, the engineer moaned and pressed harder against him.

When the elevator finally reached the 90th floor, they stumbled out and found their way to Tony's bedroom, lips fused, tongues tangling.

Once in the bedroom, Bruce pulled back from Tony and gave him his best demanding stare.

"Strip." Bruce said.

Tony's eyes lit with excitement and he hurried to comply, pulling his t-shirts over his head and throwing them aside. Bruce crossed his arms, exuding control, trying not to show strongly he was affected by Tony's actions. Tony sat on the edge of the bed to pull off his boots and socks, his eyes not wavering from Bruce's, radiating heat. He stood, his fingers nimbly undoing his belt, then chucking off his jeans and boxer briefs.

Bruce stepped close to him and Tony moved in for a kiss, but Bruce grabbed Tony's arms and spun him around, pushing him face down on the bed. He placed his hand on the back of Tony's neck, pressing down, propping himself on the bed with his knees.

Tony whined theatrically but obeyed. Bruce looked down at Tony, laid out just for him. Pressed down against the mattress by Bruce's hand at the back of his neck keeping him still, his hands flat on the mattress, almost shaking with the desire to move. The curve of his back, and down to that beautiful, perfect ass.

"Close your eyes," Bruce ordered. They had figured out early on that Tony couldn't handle anything on his face - blindfolds and gags were totally out. But Tony would keep his eyes closed if Bruce ordered him too. That was the fun of it.

So Tony closed his eyes, pressing his hands to the mattress, just feeling Bruce's hand on the back of his neck, holding him. Grounding him.

"You always do whatever reckless, crazy thing comes into your head, don't you?" Bruce asked, his voice rough. "I think you need to learn to stop that."

Keeping one hand pressing down on Tony's neck, Bruce brought his left hand down, palm open, hard against Tony's ass.

Tony jumped. "Oh!" His whole body shook slightly. He dug his fingers into the blankets.

Bruce slid his right hand up to tangle in Tony's hair, pulling sharply while bringing his left hand down again. _Smack!_ Once. Twice.

"That's for doing stupid, dangerous things." Bruce watched Tony's skin shake each time his hand came down, concentrated on the feel of it, smacking so hard his palm started to burn.

Tony moaned. "Oh, yes, yes - "

_Smack_!

"Um-green! Green all the way here!" Tony gasped. Bruce kept going, watching Tony jump at each smack. He had to stifle his own smile, even though Tony couldn't see him, with his head held down against the blankets. He was glad Tony was being so - communicative.

His hand came down again, and watching Tony's body jump underneath it, Bruce felt something shift in him. He felt, in a terrible way, that he did actually want to punish Tony a bit for scaring him, but more than that, he wanted to give Tony something - a break from his thoughts. He hoped this was the right way to do it.

He stilled his hand a moment. Tony turned his head to the right, to give Bruce a questioning look.

"Eyes closed. Don't move," Bruce ordered.

Tony shook his head and smiled, then closed his eyes again and rested his face back against the pillow.

Bruce moved off the bed, opening the bedside table to take out the restraints - and a few other things for later. He was worried about using them again after everything, but he had to push through that fear and trust that Tony would tell him if it was too much. If Tony needed him to be in control, he would.

He moved back onto the bed, kneeling beside Tony's prone body. Bruce roughly grabbed Tony's wrists and pulled them up so Tony's hands rested on the headboard. He buckled the leather cuff around his right wrist, then pulled his left just far apart to be uncomfortable and restrained his other hand.

He took another pillow, his arm wrapping around Tony's waist to lift him up just enough to slip the pillow under his groin, his hand purposefully avoiding Tony's aching cock. Tony moaned, trying to lean into him.

"No. Not yet. I'm not done teaching you lesson." Tony heard the laughter in his voice.

Then Bruce rested back on his knees next to Tony and brought his hand down hard again. Hard and rough, no more joking around.

"That's - oh!" Tony seemed both unable to speak and unable to remain silent. Bruce saw him turning his head again and grabbed the back of Tony's head, pulling hard at his hair.

"I say you could talk?" He jerked the engineer's head back down against the pillow. Tony moaned into it as Bruce's blows continued to rain down.

Tony kept his eyes closed and pulled at the cuffs. He leaned into the pain of Bruce's harsh smacks. He realized the whole thing should feel weird - was weird, really. He'd never really been into this kind of thing. But it just felt good. Amazing, actually.  Amazing and exhilarating and, weirdly, safe at the same time. Safe, because he knew that he could ask Bruce for whatever he needed and Bruce would do his best to give it to him.

The pain radiating from his ass was sending sparks through his body. Like electricity flowing through him. Bruce's hand came down in a rough rhythm and Tony arched up into the feeling. Losing himself. Giving himself over to it.

"You'll count."

It took Tony a minute to realize Bruce had spoken.

"Huh?" Tony gasped out, trying to get his brain to work.

"I said count." Bruce's voice was all control but Tony could hear the smile underneath it.

"Oh. Ok. Yes. Yes, Sir."

"I think we'll start with 30."

_Smack!_ "One." And again. "Two." As Tony counted, Bruce ran his free hand gently up and down Tony's back, a strange contrast to the harshness of this other hand. As Tony counted, he felt his ass burning, and his heart beating uncontrollably, but it wasn't fear. It was exhilaration, like when he was flying. He felt free.

He felt himself shifting underneath Bruce's hand, fighting the desire to move both closer to the pain and away from it.

"Oh-ah-ten!" His breath was shaky and he also realized he had started humping the pillow underneath him, searching for friction. He heard a chuckle from Bruce, then Bruce's breath on the back of his neck.

"You are bad," Bruce laughed.

"Ah - eleven!"

"What color, Tony?" Curiosity. Concern.

"Oh. Twelve. Green. Really really green. Do we have a color after green? Because whatever that is, I'd be that.  Totally."

Before lifting his hand again, Bruce rubbed the reddened skin a moment, then dug his fingers in hard. Tony's moan at that was almost a cry.

_Smack!_ "Thirteen."

 Tony heard his own voice counting, automatically. His brain and his body were out of his control. In Bruce's hands, all in Bruce's hands. He continued to rut against the pillow underneath him, reveling in the sensations.

Bruce kept going, alternating the speed and harshness of the smacks, and Tony just gave in to the feelings. At a certain point he finally heard himself say "thirty", and Bruce's hand stopped. Tony wanted to tell him to keep going, _please, please,_ but felt Bruce's fingers trailing around his waist. Tony pressed his body up against him as Bruce reached to stroke his cock.

His sore ass rubbed against Bruce's slacks, and he felt the hard weight of Bruce's cock pressing against him. It took him a minute to realize that Bruce's other hand was releasing the cuffs, and Tony pressed his hands to the mattress to hold himself up. He tried to reach his right hand back, to touch Bruce, but Bruce swatted it away.

"No,"  Bruce covered Tony with his still-clothed body, pressing Tony's wrists to the bed, grinding his hips against Tony's aching ass, nipping at the frail skin of Tony's neck.

It was heaven.

Bruce ran his fingers through Tony's hair, then dug them in and yanked his head backwards. Tony groaned and moved his head to the left, so Bruce could attack his neck. His lips nipped and bit, then latched on, sucking Tony's skin into his mouth and biting down.

It would be a fantastic bruise.

He pulled back, running his hands down Tony's shaking back, to his abused ass. He followed his hands with his lips, kissing and licking down the curve of Tony's back, then he placed his lips over the reddened skin next to his right hand and bit down.

"Fuck!" Tony cried, pressing down hard into the bed. "Yeah- yeah-" he gasped. Bruce bit harder, and used the fingers of his left hand to dig in to the skin of Tony's left cheek.

Tony didn't think it was possible at this age, but if Bruce kept going, he felt like he could almost - almost -

Then suddenly he felt Bruce move away from him. "Turn over," came the order. Tony complied. His hands reached to touch Bruce but the scientist took his wrists and pulled them up over his head.

"Hold on there." He pressed Tony's fingers against the sculpted bars that ran along the headboard. "Don't let go." Tony got the idea and grabbed on with both hands.

Bruce trailed his fingers along the inside of Tony's wrist, down along his forearms. Tony shivered at the touch, his eyes blown wide and completely unguarded. Completely trusting. Bruce ran his left hand lightly over Tony's chest, skirting around the reactor. Stopping before he reached Tony's aching cock.

Tony gasped underneath him. Bruce stroked back up his chest, then traced Tony's cheek. Tony leaned into the touch, his eyes closing. His eyes popped back open as Bruce pulled back. Tony looked up to see Bruce staring down at him, hands shaking slightly as they worked the buttons on his shirt.

The shirt was thrown to the floor, followed by Bruce's t-shirt. Quickly, but not quick enough for Tony, Bruce was naked. He reached to the bedside table for the bottle of lube he must have taken out earlier, and slicked up his hand, Tony's eyes following his every move.

Tony wanted to grab onto Bruce and pull him close, pull him down, but he kept his hands where they were. And Bruce was pressing against him, warm and strong and there, and he took Tony's cock in his hand, slicked fingers running over the sensitive skin.

Tony bucked against him. Oh God, the feeling of Bruce's hand on him, Bruce's body against him. filling every corner of Tony's mind. He just reveled in the feeling, Bruce teasing him with a slow pace, his hand closing too lightly around his shaft, then down to cup his balls.

"Bruce, please, please…"Tony heard himself moan.

Bruce bit at his neck and whispered in his ear. "What is it? Tell me what you need."

"You. I need…I need to touch you. Please."

Bruce smiled and his fingers tapped Tony's left wrist. "You're freed". Tony wasted no time, grabbing Bruce's hair and pulling him close for a fierce kiss.

Bruce's lips on his - swallowing his cries as he thrust up into Bruce's hand. Bruce started working him in harsh strokes, squeezing the tip, then moving back down the shaft, finding a rhythm that was making Tony come undone.

"Oh, God, Bruce. Bruce!" Tony was grasping Bruce's shoulder hard enough to hurt, but he couldn't think about it. Couldn't think about anything, just feel the pleasure building up, overflowing.

"Yeah. Come on. Come on." Then Bruce took both their cocks in his hand, stroking roughly, once, twice -

Tony was gone, arching up against Bruce and crying out, his release exploding through him, eyes closed and holding on to Bruce for dear life. Bruce's hand kept moving until Bruce was crying out against him, adding to the mess on Tony's stomach and chest.

* * *

 

Bruce wiped Tony and himself off with a wet towel, then threw it on the floor and lay down next to Tony, pulling the blankets up over them. Tony watched as Bruce's smile turned into a laugh.

"What?"

"Just wondering," the scientist reached over to softly brush stray hairs from Tony's forehead. "You're not gonna put that on the internet, are you?"

Tony smiled. "I don't think so."

"It would hardly be the most scandalous video of you that has made it into the public domain, Sir," Jarvis' droll voice cut in. Bruce just laughed even harder at that.

"Hey! I didn't ask for comments from the peanut gallery!" He would have thrown something at Jarvis, but Jarvis was everywhere.

Bruce moved to rest his head on Tony's shoulder and Tony reached over to run his fingers through those salt and pepper curls.

"So, um, how - ?" Now, after the adrenaline was subsiding a bit, his normal nervousness was returning. He wasn't really sure how to pose the question.

"Oh," Bruce couldn't see it, but could hear the smile in Tony's voice. "Yes. Amazing. Yes. Yes. And - everything. Just yes."

Bruce wrapped his arm around Tony and held him close. "Could you be a bit more clear. I'm not really sure what you're saying," he teased.

"Well, you know. We can always repeat the experiment. To test the results."

"I'll definitely keep that in mind."

Tony's hand carded through Bruce's curls, comforting and tender. Just before Bruce felt Tony's fingers still, felt Tony fall asleep, he heard it. It was a small whisper, but it was there.

"I love you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags have been updated based on future chapters. I've plotted out most of the story, and I can say that I think I'm not even at the half-way point...


	16. Good Listener

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I am capable of listening, Sir, should you wish to speak about certain matters. About anything." Tony didn't know how to respond to that. Was Jarvis offering to be his shrink or something? Could that even work? But who could he trust more than Jarvis? Jarvis wouldn't - couldn't - judge him, would he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the huge delay in updating. It's the busiest time of year for me with work.

Tony Stark did not hide from the press. He would not leave the meeting with Fury by the back door; he would face the throngs of press outside the building. Because that's what he always did. Even though after spending the morning arguing with Nick, his head was pounding.

But it was time to be Tony Stark, so he opened the door and walked fearlessly out into the crush of journalists, pulling his shades more tightly over his eyes. They immediately went crazy, thrusting their microphones in his face and calling his name.

He usually had no problem facing the press. But this was different. What he said could cause problems for Bruce. He would have to be slightly less of an asshole than usual.

"Ok, you." He pointed to one woman, a tall brunette with a ravenous glint in her eyes. The rest of the group quieted a bit.

"Mr. Stark, is it true you are in a relationship with this - "she checked her notes. "Bruce Edwards? This man from yesterday's photo?"

Bruce's cover. He and Fury had nailed down all the extra details. But he hadn't wanted Bruce to find out who he was supposed to be from the news. Damn.

"Yeah I am. So?" Ok, so he wasn't in the mood to play nice. He couldn't help it.

"So, my question is, was your very public relationship with Ms. Potts just a smokescreen to cover up the fact that you're gay?"

Seriously? He was so not in the mood to deal with these idiots today.

"No, actually. There's this thing called bisexuality. Look it up. Check Wikipedia. I'm sure you all know how to use it, since that seems to be where most of you people get your information." He took a breath. _Don't be an asshole._ "My relationship with Ms. Potts was very real. Just like this one is."

Tony took a step forward, seeing Happy pull up. A young guy was blocking his way, though. "But are you worried about losing stockholder support by coming out?" the guy asked.

He gave the guy a _look._ "Not at all. Do you know me? I'm Tony Stark. I tend to do whatever the fuck I want." He turned to look at the group while pushing the guy aside to get to the car. "Thank you. That will be all for today."

Happy could read his mood, and got out to let Tony take the wheel, running quickly to get in the other side of the car. Tony nodded at him and sped off, driving too fast.

After a few minutes, the beep of an incoming call sounded. Bruce.

"Just saw you on the internet. Wikipedia? Really?" Bruce laughed. Thank god he was laughing.

"Well, I wasn't really thinking as quickly as I usually do." Tony ran his hand through his hair. His head was pounding.

"So, you can tell me about this Bruce Edwards?"

"Yeah. I suffered through about three hours arguing with Nick, but we figured things out."

Tony took a corner too fast, ending up half on the sidewalk. He felt Happy's hand gently on his arm. "Boss?" It was a question. Tony forced himself to slow down a bit. God, he needed to get in the Mark XXII and just fly. Away from everything. But he had to finish the Mark XXIII. It was better. He had to do so many things. Fix so many things...

Bruce spoke up again, teasing. "I don't think I actually agreed to take your name, though."

"It's easy to remember. I'll throw an extra million in the pre-nup," Tony teased back. Bruce's voice made him feel like he could breathe.

"You coming home now?"

"Yeah," Tony sighed.

"I'll make lunch then. Don't drive too fast."

Tony chuckled as he heard Bruce cut the connection.

* * *

Bruce made some Thai noodle thing that blew away Tony's taste buds. Tony smiled at him across the table. "Did I tell you you're amazing?"

"Not today, so go ahead," Bruce joked. Tony took that as a win. Months ago Bruce could hardly stand to hear a compliment. Anything positive about himself.

While they ate, Tony explained the details he and Fury had added to Bruce's "secret identity." Bruce Edwards was a consultant for S.I. Originally from Indiana, graduated from MIT, blah blah blah, all the random details that went into a "normal" person's life. Bruce seemed worried but not completely freaking out.

At a certain point Tony looked up from his noodles to see that Bruce was staring at the screen Jarvis had brought up with all the information, his fork held aloft. Tony swallowed, then reached out to touch his hand.

"S.H.I.E.L.D. will protect your cover."

Bruce huffed out a laugh at that. "How can you say that, of all people? You don't trust S.H.I.E.L.D."

"No, I don't. Not one bit. But I know that Fury - and Coulson - protect their assets. You’re an asset now. Just like me. They need us. And because they need us they'll help us."

Bruce nodded, then started to eat again, but kept reading. "I never imagined I would be under S.H.I.E.L.D.'s protection."

"Ha. I never imagined I would be a team player,“ Tony smiled.

"Well, you do like to steal the show." Bruce took his eyes from the screen and looked at Tony. He saw the tiredness in Tony's eyes, the fatigue he hid from everybody else. He knew Tony was doing everything he could to keep Bruce safe. More than anybody had ever done for him.

"This afternoon, maybe you should take a break-" he chanced. Tony put his hand up as if to stop him.

"No no. I - I can't. I gotta do some work. I gotta do something right now. Gotta have something to focus on." Tony felt it, brewing under his skin. That manic energy. That _need_ to do something. To force some kind of order and control over things. All the things that were weighing him down. Fear for Bruce. The threat of fucking aliens. The threat of the horrible things coming at him from his own brain. It was too much. He _had_ to do something.

Finish the Mark XXIII. That was something he could do.

He felt Bruce's hand on his and met his eyes. Those warm eyes. Understanding him.

"I get it. I get it. I don't necessarily approve but I get it."

Tony got up and went around to Bruce's side of the table. He wrapped his arms around the scientist and held tight.

"Thank you."

* * *

So Tony worked.  He went into his zone and worked through the afternoon, evening  - he ate something, he was sure he had - then just kept working.

The Mark XXIII was almost completed. He was doing something. Something right.

Then, he didn't know what happened. He didn't even realize he'd stopped working. One minute he was tweaking the designs for the new repulsors, then there was a blank - just a blank - and he was sitting on the floor with his back pressed to the legs of the table, his head in his hands, trying to block out - _what? what_?

Jarvis was talking to him. He could hear J's voice, tried to focus on it.

"Sir. Can you hear me?"

"Yes. Yeah."

"Deep breaths Sir. You are-"

" I know. I know!"  He heard the anger and fear in his own voice and wanted to scream. He was getting to be a fucking expert at these attacks now.

"Then please try to listen, Sir," Jarvis said carefully.

"I am!" Breathe. Breathe. Ok. Ok. He looked up at the table he'd been working at. Schematics and tools had been thrown off it, were scattered all over the floor. And he didn't remember doing it. What was going on? This was the scariest thing, that his brain seemed to stop working when this _stuff_ came back to him.

"J? Am I completely losing my mind?" he gasped out.

"No, Sir. Not at all. It is a normal reaction when repressed memories return-"

"Repressed? What?" That wasn't - that couldn't - what the hell was he talking about? Sounded like something that would be on Grey's Anatomy. But apparently it was happening to him.

"The human mind has numerous coping mechanisms, one being repressing memories that are too difficult to deal with at the time of the event." Jarvis' calm voice was lecturing him. "And they can return at any time."

"How do you - what did you - exactly _when_ did you become an expert on psychology?" Tony managed. He was gaining control of his voice, was breathing. This seemed different than the other attacks.

"I have been researching certain issues that may be of use due to recent events. I would like to be of assistance to you Sir."

Yeah, recent events being Tony losing his fucking mind.

"But - you think I forgot stuff?" He'd never tried to go poking at his own denial to see what would come up if it went away, never wanted to clearly remember these things. But it seemed more frightening somehow that he could have actually forgotten things that had happened, no matter how terrible they were.

Though his instincts were screaming at him not to, to go find a bottle of whiskey or vodka instead, Tony searched through his brain. Was Jarvis right? Why had he stopped working? What had set him off?

The fog in his head cleared a bit and…o _h God._ There it was. Something had floated into his brain. He _was_ remembering stuff.

"But I don't - I don't _want_  to remember." His voice, but it didn't sound like his voice.

"I know Sir. I know."

Tony looked around his shop, all the things he'd built. The suits. The plans. _His stuff._ He wanted to focus on that. He didn't want to go back. He didn't want to remember. Remember the feeling of Obie's hands holding him down. And that voice - it was that voice that kept coming back to him.

_You're mine, Tony. You belong to me._

That voice. And the feeling of his nails scratching at Tony's skin. Oh god, he was gonna puke.

 _No. No. Breathe. Breathe. You gotta start to deal with this shit,_ Tony told himself _._ He had no idea how but he was gonna have to do something. He took deep breaths.

"Shall I call Bruce?" Jarvis' voice was concerned.

"No. No, don't. Don't call him." Bruce would be sleeping by now, and Tony was sick of adding to Bruce's fears. For tonight he would try to get through this just with Jarvis' help. Jarvis was there. He wasn't alone.

Tony reached up and wiped his eyes - _when had he even started crying?_ He would just, just sit there as long as it took to come back to feeling a bit normal. Whatever that was. It would have to happen sooner or later.

He didn't know how long he sat there crying like an idiot, doing the breathing stuff, trying to remember all the things Bruce had told him about calming panic attacks. Tony closed his eyes, trying to will the memories away. Why couldn't he close them back up in that vault they'd been in? Locked away most of the time.

Then, finally, he heard himself speak again. He didn't mean to, he didn't expect answers from Jarvis, but he said it anyway.

"Why? I don't understand why. Why would he do that to me?" _God, why did he sound so small and scared?_

"Because he was a fucking coward Sir."

 _Wait, what?_ Did Jarvis just say-? Was Tony having auditory hallucinations now? "What?"

"I said, Sir, that people prey on those weaker than themselves usually because it is easier. It is an act of extreme cowardice. He would have been outmatched in any sort of fair fight."

Tony couldn't really answer that. Couldn't really process that. So he just sat there and shuddered.

"You are safe Sir."

"Hm?" He could hardly speak now.

"Here. At this moment. You are safe." Jarvis was trying to comfort him. That somehow made the tears come harder.

"Thanks J. I know," He knew it, but didn't really feel it. He couldn't feel it.

"I could run through the security protocols if you wish. I could remotely activate the suit."

"No, I'm - no. It's ok."

"Your hands, Sir." Tony blinked at that and looked down to see that he was digging the nails of his left hand into his right forearm, so hard that he was drawing blood. Oh. He lifted his fingers and just stared at the bleeding half-moons in his skin. Then Jarvis' voice came again.

"I am capable of listening, Sir, should you wish to speak about certain matters. About anything."

"I…um…" Tony didn't know how to respond to that. Was Jarvis offering to be his shrink or something? Could that even work? But who could he trust more than Jarvis? Jarvis wouldn't - couldn't - judge him, would he?

Tony just sat and stared at his own blood, trying to breathe, gathering his courage. After a long time, he had no idea how long, he took a shaky breath. "I think you're right. I am remembering things. Some horrible things."

"Go on, Sir. Feel free to tell me anything you wish."

"Yeah. Um, yeah. Ok."

So Tony did. He opened his mouth and told Jarvis some - just some of those things that were coming back.

And Jarvis listened.


	17. Good Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony opens up to Jarvis, and Bruce.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is an update, finally. All the trigger warnings for this chapter. Please read all the tags and stay away if these things disturb you.

Tony felt the cold of the workshop floor under him. The table legs pressing into his back. Dummy was whirring somewhere close by. He knew where he was, when he was, and what he was doing. He was talking to Jarvis. Telling him _stuff_.

Jarvis had offered to listen and Tony had somehow found the courage to speak.

"You know - " he said, and he hated how weak his voice sounded. "You know who it was?"

"Yes I do, Sir." Jarvis' voice was calm. Comforting. Tony had to do this. He _had_ to. Somehow.

"So he was - I trusted him, you know? And, um, I always went to him about Howard. He _knew_ how Howard treated me. He knew everything. He knew and…and he used that. He used that against me. _Fuck_.” _Ok, breathe. Come on, breathe._

"He told me that Howard didn't understand me. Didn't love me." Tony heard his own bitter laugh at that. He was glad Jarvis was just listening for now. He didn't think he could have an actual back-and-forth conversation about this stuff. "But that much I figured out on my own."

He just sat for a moment, staring at Dummy moving in circles. It was soothing.

"Go on, Sir." Jarvis' voice came after a while. Soft, not pushing.

"I'm - what I'm remembering, I'm remembering the things he said when - " _pause_. Deep breath. _No freaking out. No puking. Please…_

Tony forced himself to continue. "That he was the only one who loved me. That I didn't need anyone else. That I belonged to him. Oh-" He moaned like some kind of fucking wounded animal or something, because he felt a wave of fear wash over him, making him nauseous and dizzy. He fought against it, pressing his hands hard down on the cold floor, trying to remind himself where he was. Just sitting there on the floor in his workshop, shuddering.

"I am here," came Jarvis' voice. "Deep breaths. You are safe, Sir."

"Ok. Ok." Tony felt the tears falling down his face again, but he didn't care. He just didn't care.

"He told me these things when he - when he - fuck! Damn it!" Why couldn't he say it? Contrary to his usual behavior, he wasn't ignoring things right now. He wanted to say it. He needed to say it. "Why is it so hard to say? Why is it so fucking hard to say what he did?"

Tony could almost hear Jarvis debating with himself whether to answer, what to say.

"I assume, Sir, that he repeatedly threatened you not to disclose what happened to anyone. And you complied, most likely out of fear for yourself or your loved ones."

"Yeah," Tony whispered. Damnit, why did Jarvis have to be so right? That was other stuff he really tried not to spend much time thinking about. Not just his fear of what Obie could do to him, but also his fear of what he could do to other people.

"That's right. You're right. He said - he said he'd get rid of you. I mean Jarvis. Make him leave me. And Jarvis was, really was the only one who…" Tony couldn't finish. Couldn't say it out loud, that Jarvis, the first Jarvis, had been the only one who really gave a shit about him when he was a kid. He couldn't.

He put his head in his hands, as if he could just pull the memories out and get rid of them without them having to go through his mouth. He wished he could.

It was hard, but Tony felt the words were still right there, pushing to get out. "Those things Obie said, he said them when he - when he-" _fuck_ , it felt like something was breaking inside him, but Tony forced himself to say the words, "- when he touched me."

Jarvis was silent at that. Just listening. All Tony heard was his own stupid crying. But he was breathing ok. And he slowly realized that it was the first time he'd ever said that out loud. To anyone. Ever.

Somehow the world was still standing. He looked around his workshop to make sure. It was all there. His bots. His suits. His stuff. And he was there. With Jarvis. His Jarvis.

So he decided to say it again. "He touched me," he whispered into the room. The world didn't end, but Tony felt a sharp pain in his arm, and looked down to find he was hurting himself again, digging his nails into his skin. But it felt good; it was pain he could control. He didn't stop.

"I assure you, Sir, there is nothing he can do to you now."

Of course Tony knew that, objectively. Of course he did. But in his head, in his head it was all so fucking mixed up. He dug his nails in harder.

"Please, Sir. If you do not stop that I will have no choice but to call Bruce."

"You don't call anyone!" Tony ordered. His voice was angry, but he wasn't angry. He didn't know what he was. He closed his eyes and just felt the pain. The pain in his arm. Like it could in any way block out the other pain.

"Sir!" Tony didn't answer. Then, "Tony!" J’s sharp voice.

Tony's eyes popped open at that. Later, once his brain was working again, he would really have to go over the video feed of this night, to figure out if he was hallucinating these things or whether Jarvis was actually evolving this way.

"What did you-?"

"Sir, please stop." Jarvis' voice was worried, concerned. Pleading. So Tony slowly pulled his hand back. "You are safe here. I know it is very hard to believe given what you've been through, but there is nothing he can do now."

Right. Right. Jarvis was right. He had to be right, Tony had built him. Tony took a minute to gather himself, breathe again. He could keep talking. He could.

"Ok. Ok." He wanted to keep talking. He wanted to, so he did. "I don't remember exactly when….it  started. I don't know." His voice was a bit stronger this time. Ok. That was ok.

“When you were a child.” A statement.

“Yeah.” Tony was trying to force himself to say more when he heard the door to the workshop slide open. Bruce was there, looking tired and disheveled, in the sweatpants and t-shirt he usually slept in.

"Jarvis! I told you not to call him!"

"I did not call him, Sir. I promise you."

Tony looked at Bruce, not knowing what to say. He didn't know what this looked like to Bruce. Actually, he did. Tony falling apart again for Bruce to put back together. But Bruce walked over and cautiously eased down to sit next to Tony, looking at him with those kind eyes.

"Aren't you sick of this yet?" Tony sighed, his voice pained. He hated to hear himself sound like that.

"No. Never." Bruce assured him. Bruce had worried when Tony didn't come to bed. Now he saw the more than usual disarray in the workshop, the fear in Tony's eyes here. "There's nothing to get sick of." Bruce glanced down and his eyes fell on the cuts on Tony's arm.

"Oh babe, what did you do?" Tony couldn't explain, so he didn't say anything. "Wait here," Bruce said, getting up. He was back in a minute with the first aid kit. He knelt down next to Tony and gently took his arm, wiping the cuts with disinfectant.

"I was about to call you, Bruce, if Sir had not stopped."

"Yeah, he's being a good babysitter." Tony didn't mean to be snarky - Jarvis was helping him. "I mean, I was talking to J. About _stuff."_

"Oh." Bruce didn't look up from what he was doing. "Was that…ok?"

Tony shook his head. "I- I don't know yet."

Bruce put away the disinfectant and picked up a towel. He gave Tony a gentle look. "Close your eyes."

Tony did, and Bruce wiped the cool, wet towel over his face, wiping away the tears. It was calming.

"That's nice," Tony said.

"You were talking. Did you want to keep talking? I could go…"

Tony shook his head, taking Bruce's arm and pulling him down to sit next to him. "No. Yes. I mean, I want to keep talking. But I want you to stay."

The other man smiled his half-smile. He just stayed quiet, letting Tony talk.

Tony rested his face on his left hand, hiding his eyes from Bruce. His right reached around to grab on to Bruce's, squeezing hard.

"I know it's stupid, but I was trying to remember…. seeing as my brain is serving me up this shit…. And Jarvis said that - that memories can come back. I don't really want to know what happened, but it's worse to think that stuff happened to me and I don't remember it." Bruce squeezed his hand back, hard. "If it happened to me, I want to know. There's things I'm not sure about, but I know -" he took a breath. "I _know_ that the - the -"

_Come on, you idiot. Say it. It's just a word._ Tony really didn't want to add another word to the list of things he couldn't, wouldn't say - it was getting too long. _Victim. PTSD. Torture. Alcoh-_

"- the abuse," he spat out. "The abuse began before I went to college."

Bruce didn't say anything but Tony knew what he was thinking. Tony had gone to college at fourteen.

"Then…then he would come and visit me. Dad hardly gave me the time of day, so _he_ would come and take me away for the weekend…" Tony's voice cracked again.  "And he was, I couldn’t…he was so – so much bigger than me and I couldn’t--- I couldn’t stop him."

Tony stared at the floor, breathing. He was breathing.

"I know," Bruce said. "I know."

The words were coming now, and Tony just let them come, listening to his own scared voice.

"He-he would - his hands - I couldn't breathe." Tony couldn't say it, couldn't say it out loud but he raised his hand to press at his throat - to show Bruce what he meant. "I couldn't breathe. And so many times, so many times I thought -"

"You thought you'd die. You thought you could die," Bruce whispered. Tony turned and finally looked at him. He saw understanding in the scientist's eyes. Complete understanding. Bruce _knew._ He knew that feeling.

Bruce watched Tony nod, his eyes wide, as if he was amazed that Bruce could understand that. So Bruce went on.

"You woke up every morning not knowing if you were going to survive the day. Literally. What he would do to you. What would happen before you made it to your bed at night… You were so scared."

Tony held Bruce's gaze and felt those words settle into his bones. He realized, Bruce was talking about himself. His own life.

"Yeah," Tony nodded.

 Bruce looked back at Tony, all his shields down, giving him everything he had, everything he was. And it was another moment where the things they weren't saying were so much bigger than the things they were. It made Tony's chest hurt.

"So you - you were - a kid who was scared for his life, for everything. A kid just trying to survive." Bruce said after a moment. He took Tony's hand in both of his, and spoke carefully, hoping Tony would hear the words. "I wouldn't blame that kid for anything. Ever."

Bruce hoped that every time he said that, Tony could believe it a little bit more. Just a little bit more.

Tony's eyes slipped away from Bruce's, but he leant his head against Bruce's shoulder, curling against him. Bruce put his arm around Tony's back, pulling him close.

"I am very sorry to interrupt, but Mr. Barton wishes to speak to both of you," Jarvis said.

"Clint?" Bruce asked. He glanced at Tony, who didn't move. "Just audio Jarvis."

"Hey guys," the archer's voice invaded the workshop. "You're lucky you're up. I got 5 buckets of chicken wings here, and beer and all the trimmings. But if Nat wakes up, there won't be anything left. So, if you're not in the middle of anything," he chuckled, "you better get up here quick."

"I don't know," Bruce began, but Tony sat up, running his hand over his face.

"I could eat." Tony gave Bruce a tentative smile, and it felt like Bruce's heart started up again, after minutes.

"Ok. We'll be up in a few minutes," Bruce answered.

Jarvis cut off the audio, and Tony got up, holding out a hand for Bruce and helping him to his feet.  "I'm gonna clean up a bit," Tony said, heading off to the bathroom.

Bruce stood where he was, just breathing. _Tony's ok. Tony's ok,_ he repeated to himself, like a mantra. He focused on his breathing, while his fingers dug into his thigh, a slight sheen of green flashing across his knuckles.


	18. You're Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce starts to realize how protective the other Avengers are of him and Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, Ultron kind of messed me up for a while....

Tony was in heaven. At least, he thought, this must be what the coffee in heaven smelled like. The aroma was invading his senses and he reveled in it before opening his eyes. He was sprawled on the couch in the common area, again, and he idly wondered why he was looking up at an arrow spearing 3 chicken wings to the ceiling.

Oh, right, late night junk food attack with Legolas. They'd discussed upgrades to Clint's arrows, then, after a lot of beer, got very stupid, Tony throwing wings for Clint to hit while Bruce looked on and laughed. It had actually been fun. A good distraction after all that - _stuff._

He also realized there was something on his lap. Tony looked down and saw Bruce's unruly salt and pepper curls and his sleeping face. He smiled down at his scientist. Not wanting to move and wake Bruce, Tony looked around to see where the heavenly coffee scent was coming from. He was surprised to see Cap coming toward him with a steaming mug and offering it to him.

"Morning," Steve said. "I made coffee."           

"Oh my god, I love you," Tony answered, his hand reaching for the coffee. "Gimme." He grabbed the mug and took a sip. His eyes widened. "Wow. That's really really good. You may have some taste after all."

Steve rolled his eyes. "You’re not the only one with connections. I have a guy." Steve took a seat in the armchair next to the couch and sipped his coffee.

"You have a coffee guy?" Tony raised his eyebrow.

"Yes. I have a lot of guys." Steve's voice was level, but Tony could swear he was being teased somehow. And realized he actually didn't mind. He didn't hear the condescending tone he heard so often in Steve's voice when it was directed at him. Bruce said that Tony often imagined it, but it was still so fucking hard to look at Steve sometimes without hearing Howard's voice in his head. Without feeling like a five year-old.

"So you are learning from me. Good." Tony teased back, forcing himself not to get annoyed. He would not think about that shit right now. Right now he was gonna drink his coffee and do his best not to wake Bruce.

"How did everything go with Fury yesterday?" Steve asked.

Tony regarded him warily. "You trying to debrief me?"

"No. I just know that Bruce was worried about the situation."

Tony looked down again. "I know. I think we've got it all covered. I have Jarvis monitoring things 24-7, immediate alert if someone gets information they're not supposed to have." Looking back up at Steve, Tony remembered how he had immediately tried to reassure Bruce that he and the team would have Bruce's back. Shit.

There was something else Tony should do.

Tony cleared his throat. "Um, and, thanks. You know. For the other day. Having his back."

"You don't have to thank me for that," Steve said. Tony took another sip of the heavenly coffee and tried to push down his gag reflex at the obnoxious sincerity in Steve's voice.

_Listen to him._

"He's a part of the team. An important part of the team."

Tony had to admit to himself that Cap did take good care of the team, in and out of battle. He always gave 200%. And he had been the first one aside from Tony to befriend Bruce, really spend time with him and help make him feel human.

"Well, thanks anyway. Really." Tony took another sip of coffee before he could say anything else that he might find embarrassing later. He heard a groan from his lap, and looked down to see warm brown eyes focused on him.

"Ow. We gotta stop falling asleep on the couch."

“Yeah, I’ll second that.”

Bruce sat up and stretched his back, then noticed Steve was there. “Hey Steve. I see you’ve already fueled Tony.”

“So, apparently Steve has a coffee guy that I’m going to have to find and steal away,” Tony smiled, his eyes sparkling.

Steve smiled too. “Bruce, can I make you some tea?”

“Captain America making me breakfast? I’m not going to refuse that.”

“Not exactly breakfast,” Steve said, getting up. “It’s kind of noon.”

Tony sipped his coffee and smiled again. “Right. That means you’ve been up for hours. Done a bunch of patriotic things. Saved some orphans. Ran 30 miles.”

“35 actually,” Steve answered and he went off to the kitchen. Bruce looked at Tony out of the corner of his eye. He was smiling and joking with Steve. A wonderful change from the night before.

“Waiter,” Tony called out to Steve. “’I’ll take a blueberry muffin too.” After a moment, a blueberry muffin came flying at Tony’s head. Tony laughed and caught it.

Tony was laughing and smiling. That soothed Bruce’s worry a bit. The team was being great – the night before, when they’d come upstairs, Clint had seen right away that Tony needed to be distracted, and started peppering him with questions about the new arrows Tony was designing for him, then getting drunk and stupid with Tony. A good distraction.

Steve was back with Bruce’s tea and a muffin. He handed Bruce the tea and put the muffin on the coffee table, taking his seat again.

“You know,” Tony said around a mouthful of muffin. “You’re supposed to respect your elders.”

“I’m 50 years older than you,” Steve laughed.

“Technicality,” Tony scoffed.

Bruce drank his tea, and they sat and ate, talking with Steve, and it felt so normal he couldn’t believe it was real. When Tony finished his muffin, his hand found its way around Bruce’s, holding tight.

“Sir,” Jarvis’ voice came. “Agent Romanoff has informed me that she expects you in the gym in an hour. And she said she won’t accept any excuses.”

Tony made a mock-terrified face.  He finished up his coffee, wondering. It did make sense that that would be Widow’s way of trying to help him through a rough time – beating the crap out of him. “Ok. Tell her I’ll be there.” He turned to Bruce. “I’m gonna go clean up.”

Bruce squeezed Tony’s hand and watched him walk off to the elevator. Then he turned to Steve.

“Thanks for breakfast.”

“No problem.”

“So, did, um, Clint hand over babysitting duty to you?”

“Well,” Steve admitted, sheepishly, “Clint said he had to go and that last night, Tony was…” he didn’t finish the thought but his meaning was clear.

“Yeah. He was. He was.” Bruce held tightly to his mug, the memory of Tony’s eyes the night before hitting him. But Tony had talked. That had to be good, right?

“I meant what I said, Bruce,” Steve went on. “You can both count on me. I’m always gonna protect my team.”

Bruce nodded. He was coming to understand that, but he thought it would take Tony a lot longer to get there.

*  *  *

Tony took a quick shower and was standing at the mirror, a towel around his waist, tidying his goatee, trying to ignore the deep dark circles under his eyes. It was definitely a day for shades. His mind decided to talk to him.

_You said it. You said the words. And you’re still here. He’s still here._

Bruce’s eyes when Tony was talking… just accepting. Understanding. Tony put the razor down, propping his hands on the sink, as a wave of – something – washed over him.  A tidal wave of emotion, but it wasn’t negative.

He remembered one of those shrinks he’d been forced to see after Afghanistan telling him that at times, he wasn’t aware of his own feelings. Even when others could see them. He’d pushed them so far down that he couldn’t access them anymore.

Well, _duh._ There didn’t seem to be much benefit in “being in touch with your feelings.” Not much at all. Except that this was – it was –

Bruce came into the bathroom and his eyes met Tony’s in the mirror. Those warm eyes. This feeling was, Tony had to – he turned and grabbed Bruce up in a fierce hug, his face pressed against Bruce’s shoulder, his arms around him so tight.

Bruce wrapped his arms around Tony’s bare back and held on. Tony was holding him so tightly he could hardly breathe. “Hey,” he said softly. “Hey.”

For a few moments Tony just held on, trying to ground himself as the waves washed over him. Waves of amazement? Yes. Gratitude? Yes. Love. He finally pulled back a bit so he could speak.

“You’re here. You’re always here.”

“Of course I am.” Bruce moved his hands to Tony’s hips, still holding on to him. Anchoring him. His eyes searched Tony’s, and Tony felt the wave dissipating into a comfortable warmth in his chest.

“You know.  Um, you can. You can too,” he found himself saying. He placed his hands on Bruce’s, not wanting to ever let go.

“I can what?”

“Tell me you’re scared too,” Tony whispered.

Bruce gulped in a shaky breath at that. “Oh. Oh God.” He moved his eyes away from Tony’s as tears gathered and spilled down his face. Tony pulled him back into the hug. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to – I didn’t.”

“It’s ok. It’s totally ok.” Tony held Bruce tight. So close.

“It’s just…” Bruce said through his tears. “You gotta tell me if I do something wrong. You gotta. Because, I don’t know. All this stuff, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“No. No. You’re perfect. You’ve been perfect.” Not pushing, not demanding anything. Just there. And it seemed ridiculous, was ridiculous that Iron Man would need to feel protected and safe. But he did. “You make me feel safe.” He did. Not just Bruce’s green alter ego, but Bruce. Tony’s tiny, shy, sassy fellow super-genius.

Bruce wanted to tell Tony, You are safe, but they both knew, with all the things coming at them every day, that that wasn’t true. But at least they would protect each other, as much as they could. So he just held on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really unsure about my Steve dialogue...


	19. Good Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hulk won't give Puny Banner back until he finds out what's going on with Tony.

 

Tony wouldn't usually consider fighting genetically engineered creatures that spit fire to be a great way to spend the day, but after the week he'd had, it was downright fun.

The call to assemble had come after Widow had spent several hours beating him up. He didn't know why the others thought he was fucking useless without his suit. News flash, he wasn't.

He had to remind himself of that as Widow threw him to the mat one last time.

"Ok," she admitted. "You're not bad."

Tony grunted at that, aching a bit too much to actually speak at that moment.

"But I can make you better," Widow promised. Tony didn't doubt it. But they'd had to put that off for another time as the alarm to assemble began shrieking. Tony had gone straight to the assembly platform and met Bruce and the others on the Quinjet.

As they flew out to meet the helicarrier, stationed over the Atlantic Ocean, where a ship that turned out to be a floating genetics lab was intent on unleashing its creatures on the people of New York, Tony noted the dark circles under Bruce's eyes too. More than usual.

Fuck, he'd put Bruce through a lot this past week.

Tony knew it took so much out of Bruce when they needed to let the Other Guy out - what Widow and Hawk had started calling a Code Green - but he thought that it might even be good to let the Hulk out for a while.

And, as it turned out, Tony was right. In the fight, the Other Guy was in great form, listening to Cap's orders and corralling the beasts so that Tony could take them out. It took a couple of hours, but they got all of the creatures, and Cap and Widow entered the ship to round up the human contingent.

Tony flew to the starboard deck of the vessel, where Hulk was standing, just watching him, and did one of his perfect three-point landings right in front of Hulk because - _there it was! -_ it always made the Big Guy smile.

"Hey Jolly Green," he raised his faceplate and smiled up at the behemoth.

"Iron Man, the situation is secure," Cap's voice came over the comms. "Hulk can stand down."

"Roger that." Tony replied. "Ok, you did a great job buddy. It's time to give us back puny Banner."

But the Big Guy shook his head.  "No." His voice wasn't angry, but determined. Not a good sign. Hulk reached out and gently poked at Tony's suit, rocking Tony back a few steps. "Where Metalman hurt?"

Tony coughed and shook his head. "No, big guy. I'm not hurt. You can stand down."

"Hulk protect. Hulk protect Tinman." Those green eyes just kept staring at him, not backing down.

"I know. I know. Ok. Let me just take off the suit so I can show you I'm fine."

He retracted the suit and it reformed into the red and gold suitcase shape, landing by his side. Tony raised his arms, moved his legs, smiled at the Hulk to show him he was ok.

"See?"

"No. Tony hurt." Confusion began to creep into the rumbling voice. Hulk reached out an enormous finger and touched Tony on the shoulder, then the leg, as if looking for injuries. Tony almost laughed at that.

"Puny Banner sad for Tony. Scared. Bad man hurt Tony."

Then it finally clicked. _Oh shit. He meant-_ Tony thought quickly. Hulk wasn't yelling, but his voice carried for miles. Tony wasn't interested in letting the other Avengers or SHIELD personnel in on this conversation.

"Jarvis, bring my Quinjet down here. Big Green and I are going to head home before the others."

"Yes Sir."

Tony opened the comms. "Listen, Cap, Big Green and I are going to head back. We have some urgent stuff to deal with."

"Stark!" He heard the exasperated tone in Steve's voice. "What about the debriefing? Fury wants-"

"You know I never go to those things. Send me the memo." He closed the channel and watched as the Quinjet dropped down to hover next to their position, the hatch opening.

"Listen, get in with me and we'll go back to the tower," he said to Hulk. "I know you're confused. I'll explain, ok?"

Hulk nodded. Tony climbed up into the Quinjet and Hulk followed. Jarvis closed the hatch and the Quinjet rose quickly, then started their journey back to the tower.

Tony paced around aimlessly for a moment, then grabbed a bottle of cold water and slumped down in the pilot's seat. He turned toward Hulk who sat on his haunches, carefully watching the engineer.

How should he do this? He'd worked with the creature enough to understand that there was a lot more going on in his head than he was able to express verbally. It was clear that sometimes he was more connected to Bruce and other times less, but there was always some connection.

"Ok. I don't know how much you understand from Banner. He is sad, scared I guess, but it's not about something happening now. There's nothing wrong now. It's about something in the past. A memory."

"Memory?"

Tony knew he had to tread carefully, not bring up anything that would make the Other Guy angry. "Uh, remember when you caught me? After our first battle together?"

Hulk nodded. "Hulk catch Metalman. Metalman fall, then sleep." Hulk shook his head at the memory. "Not good. Hulk wake up."

"Yeah. Your roar was the first thing I heard. Your voice brought me back from - that."

"Hulk like Metalman."

"Yeah, I know. I like you too buddy," Tony smiled at him, trying to keep his face calm. This was never something he imagined he would have to discuss with the Hulk. "So you remember that. That's a memory. It's not now."

"Memory, not now." The rough voice was confident, understanding, it seemed to Tony.

"And when I think about that day, I don't remember falling." Tony tried to control the shudder that passed through him even talking about that. "But when I think about going up into the portal," he cleared his throat and took a sip of water. "-when I remember that, I feel scared."

Wow, the shrinks would be so proud of him, all those shrinks he'd pissed off over the years. He was talking, "expressing his feelings".

Tony shook his head. "Even though it's just a memory." Tony ran his hand through his sweaty hair, gathering his courage. Ok, here went nothing.

"This - the bad man - is another memory. Something that happened a long time ago. But if I think about it, I get scared. That's why it seemed like I was hurt."

Those bright green eyes stayed focused on him, not filled with the usual anger, or glee at smashing, but curious. Serious. Hulk was really trying his best to understand.

"I'm not hurt now. I was hurt. The bad man - " Tony forced himself to keep looking at Hulk while he talked. There was so much of Bruce in that face, it was hard. "He hurt me when I was a kid."

Tony swallowed. He took another gulp of water. Why did it make his chest ache just to talk about this?

"Tony not hurt now."

"No. I'm not. I'm not. It's all good." Tony forced himself to smile again, through that lie.

Hulk's brow creased. He seemed confused still.

"But Tony scared."

Shit. Hulk was being a bit too perceptive now. "Yeah. Uh, yeah. You're right about that. I'm scared." God, he wished Bruce was here to help him through this conversation. He didn't know how to do this.

But Bruce was there, in a way. Tony just had to use that. "Banner told me something that might be good for both of us to hear." Oh god, was he really about to give psychological advice to the Hulk? Well, he'd certainly done stupider things in his life. Tony swallowed.

"He said that it's ok to be scared sometimes. It's normal."

He felt like an idiot just hearing himself say that, but it was kind of true. He wasn't about to claim that he had faced down a crazed god or piloted that nuke up into the heavens without an ounce of fear. Or even that he'd told Bruce he loved him the first time without an immovable lump of terror in his gut.

Hulk slowly nodded, but then his face hardened to a usual expression of his.

"Hulk smash Tony bad man."

"I know. I know you would. You don't have to worry about him. That man - that bad man is dead. He's dead." Why did it feel like every time he said it, he was trying to convince himself?

"No, Hulk smash all. All bad man. Tony say and Hulk smash." Hulk brought his fist down against the floor in emphasis, but not using his full strength. Everything in the cockpit shook for a moment, but nothing broke.

Tony blinked. Ok, just when Tony thought his life couldn't get any more surreal, here was his boyfriend's giant alter-ego saying that if anyone hurt him Hulk would kick their ass. He really didn't know whether to smile or cry at that. He tried another smile.

"Thanks. I'll tell you when I need you. We all need you, really."

"Hulk help team. Hulk listen America orders."

"Yeah. You are a great help. a great part of the team. You did a really good job today."

"Hulk listen," the behemoth repeated. That was certainly true.

"You've been listening really well." Tony thought a moment. "We're not really fair to you, are we?"

Hulk just looked at him, waiting.

"I mean, we just call on you to smash for us. Which you do an excellent job of. Today you were great. You really helped."

"Hulk like smash."

"I know. But we don't ever let you out to play. Maybe we can get you out sometimes just to spar or train or something. Would you like that?" Tony knew he would love to put on the suit and spar with the Big Guy, but it wiped Bruce out so much that he'd never felt the courage to ask.

Hulk nodded, and an expression approaching a smile crossed his face.

"Hulk can spar. Hulk know careful. Metalman hurt easy. Puny."

Tony laughed at that. "Everybody's puny compared to you. Even Thor. We'll do that. I promise. You deserve some rewards. Do you think you can tell Banner when you want to practice? Without being angry?"

"Hulk try."

"That's great. Great." Tony's smile widened.

Then Hulk reached out his hand toward Tony. Tony wasn't really sure what he wanted, but the engineer stood up and took a step forward. Hulk's hand - as big as Tony's entire torso, reached slowly around Tony's back and patted, in a strange gesture he understood the creature meant to be comforting.

"I think it would be better if you let Banner do that, huh? I need you to give me Bruce now, ok?" Tony looked up into those blazing green eyes and whispered, trying not to be mortified at himself. "It's the kind of hurt that he can help."

Hulk nodded.

* * *

Bruce felt awareness coming back, the aching in his muscles and his head that always accompanied the change back. Tony was helping him put on one of the sweatsuits they kept in the Quinjet.

"Hey. Mission went perfectly. No civilian casualties. Nobody's hurt." Tony knew Bruce always worried about the damage he might have done.

"Two minutes to docking, Sir," Jarvis' voice announced. Once Bruce was dressed, he looked out the window of the cockpit.

"What - we're already home? What happened?"

"Oh, I spent some time with the Other Guy. We had a chat. It was good."

"Really?" Bruce was so tired he couldn't read Tony's expression.

"Yeah. I'll tell you all about it when you're conscious." He felt Tony hold up a bottle of water to his lips, and managed to grab onto it and drink. Then they were docking at the penthouse, and Tony was helping him out of the Quinjet.

Bruce was hardly awake but he realized Tony was leading him to the elevator, not the bedroom.

"Where we going?"

"Your floor. You like sleeping there better. It relaxes you more." Tony had his arm around Bruce's shoulders. He pulled him closer, holding him up.

Bruce gave him a sleepy look.

"I might be an idiot but I am capable of noticing things sometimes. Come on."

The elevator doors had opened. Tony guided Bruce to his bedroom, which was decorated in much warmer colors than the penthouse. Bruce did find it more comforting.

He sighed when Tony guided him under the covers and got in next to him, wrapping strong arms around Bruce.

"I like the penthouse. I do. It's just a bit too "genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist" sometimes."

He heard Tony chuckle at that. Bruce closed his eyes finally and settled with his head on Tony's shoulder.

"Mmm - you sure you're ok?" he mumbled, his voice thick with exhaustion.

"Fine. Just a few bruises." Tony ran his hand gently up and down Bruce's back. Bruce snuggled closer, giving in to his fatigue now that he knew Tony was ok.

Tony didn't know if he would sleep. There was too much to think about.

God, the other night - Tony thought a moment - shit, had it only been 6 days? Tony had found himself in that bathroom and thought - well, no, he hadn't been able to think. Just feel. Fucking terrified. Like his brain had turned off completely.

And Bruce had really stepped up. Been his knight in shining whatever.*

But now - _Puny Banner sad._

Tony didn't want Bruce to have to take on this as well. He didn't. But he couldn't do this without him. Tony couldn't imagine coming out of the other side of whatever this shitstorm turned out to be without him.

He'd never told anyone. No one.

In the past he had been so sure that Obie would kill him if he did. But Obie had tried that anyway…

"Sir," Jarvis' quiet voice interrupted his thoughts. "Slow deep breaths."

Huh? Oh, J was monitoring his heart rate. Always. Always there for him.

 _Ok, so just breathe, idiot_ , Tony told himself. He tried to synch his breathing with Bruce's slow, sleeping breaths.

"J?" Tony asked.

"Yes, Sir."

"Is Bruce ok? I mean, these past few days, has he - uh - " Tony had no idea how to articulate what he wanted to ask.

"As you are aware, he had an incident on Thursday. However, I contacted Agent Romanoff who was in the building and she was able to calm the Hulk down. The following days Bruce and I have had several conversations. He has also asked me for advice. About you Sir.

"Really? Is that - do you think that's helped?"

"I believe that our conversations have been beneficial to both of us. I, for one, am pleased to be able to speak at length with someone who has your best interests at heart."

Yeah. Tony couldn't imagine that Pepper had had many heart-to-hearts with Jarvis. She preferred to talk to people with flesh and blood bodies. Bruce was like Tony; he got that J was more of a person than a lot of people they knew. Tony hadn't thought about how that could be good for Jarvis too.

"I'm glad. That's good."

Tony wanted to ask him so many other things. Impossible questions.

_Why is this shit coming back to me?_

_How do I get through this?_

_Will I ever stop being afraid?_

But he shook his head and pushed them away, far far down into the darkness inside him. Jarvis couldn't know these things. And last night had been hard enough for J. But maybe there was one thing he could ask.

"J, can you tell me if - if I'm fucking up more than usual?" His voice was unsure, but here with Jarvis he could let himself sound like an idiot. He could.

"You are aware, Sir, that I have never had any qualms at attempting to correct your behavior if I deem it necessary. I shall not hesitate to do so in the future."

Tony smiled at that.

"In this past week I have seen you communicate much more than you ever have. I do not consider this a negative behavior."

"Right. So. Talking is good?" 'Sharing your feelings' and all that crap. So not on his list of favorite things. But he _could_ talk to Bruce. He had talked to Bruce. And J. It hadn't killed him yet.

"It is Sir. And, remember, I am willing to listen at any time."

"I - I'll keep that in mind." Tony tried to stifle a yawn, but failed. "Thanks J," Tony mumbled as he let himself be lulled toward sleep, with J watching over him and Bruce curled up against him.

For once, there were no nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the line marked with a * is a Grey's Anatomy reference, for those of you who don't watch it.  
> did not mean to have such a long break in this story. Next 4 chapters are all planned out and partially written. And I've planned out the overall plot of the entire (long) thing!


	20. Good Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The problem with having a best friend is they know you well. Too well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've been following this story since it's beginning, here are some notes on the timeline. After consulting with the fanstastic [hellogaywatson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/hellogaywatson/pseuds/hellogaywatson), I have changed my timeline a bit. Watson suggested using All I've Got as a canon prequel to this, and I'm all for that. So, as I had All I've Got taking place a year after Avengers (May 2013), then this story starts in November 2013 (whereas originally I had it taking place in November 2012, but I think that's a little too soon.) So I changed the references to the suits Tony's working on, moving them up from the Mark VIII to the Mark XXII.

Bruce stared at the screen, disbelieving. He kept seeing evidence of the Hulk protecting Tony, but it hadn't really sunk in. After all this time, he still didn't really believe it. But here was the Other Guy adamantly stating his case.

"Hulk smash Tony bad man." Bruce felt a twitch in the bad of his head. Like agreement.

Bruce spent so much time worrying about hurting people; seeing the Hulk clearly state he was going to protect Tony was something he never thought he would see. Tony had believed that from day one, though.

Bruce and Jarvis had spent the morning going over battles and other video they had of Hulk, analyzing his behavior. Bruce could not believe the range of emotions Hulk was now showing. And Jarvis had calculated his learning curve, which was growing. Hulk was learning, and learning faster than before. Bruce had a lot to show Tony when he got home.

He watched Tony on the screen again, in the Quinjet the day before. "The bad man…He hurt me when I was a kid." Tony eyes, trying to hide his pain from the Other Guy, trying not to set him off. But Bruce could see behind that.

"Jarvis, do you think this has been good for Tony? Talking about it, I mean?" Bruce hoped so. Tony didn't talk about stuff. Usually only when he was forced to. The other night had forced him to reveal these things to Bruce, yes, but he was still talking. He was even trying to make the Hulk understand.

"I believe so, Bruce, but I do not yet have enough data to come to a reliable conclusion."

"Right." Bruce swiped his hand across the holographic screen to close it. It had been a long morning and he decided to go up to the communal kitchen and get some tea.

"I am pleased that he was able to discuss these matters with both you and me, as I believe this is the first time he has discussed them with anyone, I imagine."

Jarvis was right. Tony somehow felt safe enough to talk about this. Safe with Bruce. The opposite of what most people felt around him. Bruce pondered that as he took the elevator up.

"Bruce, note that Lt. Colonel Rhodes is currently in the common area, waiting for Sir to return from S.I."

Weeks ago Bruce and Tony had decided they would hold an Avengers Thanksgiving, and now that it was two days away Rhodey had come in early, to spend some time with Tony. Natasha and Clint were in town - not away on one of their super-secret SHIELD missions, and Steve had happily agreed to help Bruce cook. Pepper had declined the invitation for obvious reasons.

It would be a good thing for Tony to have his best friend there. It would. Even though Bruce was stupidly nervous around the man. He took a deep breath before stepping off the elevator.

"Hey Bruce." Rhodes greeted him from where he was standing, near the wall-length windows.

"Sorry, I didn't know you'd already gotten in. Can I get you anything? I was gonna make some tea." Bruce found himself copying Tony's nervous babbling for once.

"Coffee'd be great, thanks." Rhodes came over to the kitchen area. He was in jeans and a hoodie, thankfully not in his uniform. The Other Guy didn't like those too much. He'd managed to get used to Steve's, but Rhodes' was too similar to those of the men who had chased him for so long.

Bruce busied himself making the tea and coffee while Rhodes sat at the counter, texting.

"Oh, Tony's running late at the office, as always. He said he's on his way."

"Ok." As Bruce served Rhodes his coffee, he somehow managed to talk like a normal person, and not the shy idiot he sometimes turned into. He'd spent time with the man before, and understood his importance in Tony's life. Tony would never have been found if it weren't for him.

And even when Tony had finally explained the nature of their relationship to his best friend, it hadn't gone badly. Bruce saw that Rhodes - or Rhodey, as Tony called him, was always looking out for Tony's best interest. Even so, Bruce still felt weird around him.

And Rhodes clearly picked up on it. He set his coffee down and gave Bruce a look that Bruce couldn't really read.

"So, while we're waiting for Tony, I wanted to ask you something."

"Sure." Bruce tried to sound more confident than he felt.

" I'm wondering when you're gonna stop being nervous around me."

"Uh," Bruce swallowed. "I'm kind of nervous around everybody. That's just kind of me."

"Yeah, but more with me I think. Right?"

Bruce sighed and grabbed his mug, just to give himself something to do with his frantic hands. "I think it's…I'm just waiting for you to give me the shovel talk."

"The shovel talk? Seriously?" Rhodes laughed a loud laugh and shook his head. "Oh no. No. no. You don't understand the situation here." He leaned closer to Bruce, his face turning serious. "If I thought you actually needed the shovel talk, there would be no talk. No talking. I would've just already used the shovel."

Bruce had to remind himself to breathe at that.

"Even if, in your case, I'll have to get a nuclear shovel to do it." Rhodes held his stare, not angry, but very clear. Bruce had to push back a bit at the Other Guy, seeing Rhodes' face and hearing his serious tone. _No! He just wants to protect Shellhead._

Bruce couldn't really interpret the incoherent growl he heard in his head in answer to that. Bruce was glad that Tony had someone who would always stand by him, he really was. And he wanted Rhodes to understand that.

"I get that. We're actually working on something to-" His attempt to bring up Veronica was interrupted by Tony walking into the room. He looked frustrated and annoyed, his usual look when he got back from dealing with angry stockholders.

"Hey! My two favorite hot guys!" Tony strode into the room, tearing off his tie as he neared and throwing on to the floor.

Rhodey looked over at Tony. "Oh, hey Martini."

Bruce figured the conversation would have to continue later. He watched Rhodes give Tony one of his usual bear hugs, and hoped that the man did not notice Tony's slight - _extremely slight -_ flinch. Tony's eyes flicked to Bruce a moment, then he launched right into avoidance babbling, complaining about the stockholders, the press, practically everybody in the world right then. Anything to hide what was going on inside him.

* * *

After lunch with Bruce, Tony and Rhodey went down to the workshop, so Tony could do some upgrades to War Machine. Tony started working on his friend's suit as Rhodey's eyes wandered the room, not missing a thing. Tony's latest armors were displayed along the back wall. A legion to fight the nightmarish creatures that could come through that portal in the skies.

Tony's legion. Tony's protection.

"XXIII? Last time I was here you were working on the Mark XIX."

"Well, you know, gotta move fast. You know the Chitauri were just the beginning of what we're seeing. What we have to fight against."

Tony didn't want to have this conversation with Rhodey again. He busied himself with Rhodey's armor, trying to use the manual work to calm himself down.

"I know. I know, Tony. But don't you think it's a bit-" Rhodey stepped toward him, his eyes earnest.

"No. No, I don't!" Tony looked to his right where Dummy was offering him a wrench, the wrong size, of course. "No, Dummy, that's not the one I asked for."

 _Shit, get it together,_ he told himself. He didn't need Rhodey knowing how close he was to losing it lately. Rhodey spent too much time cleaning up Tony's messes in the past. He didn't need it again.

Tony put the wrench down and stepped away from Rhodes.

"I'm gonna go get us some beers." He didn't wait for Rhodey's answer as he headed to the elevator. He probably still had beer in the workshop, but need a minute to clear his head.

But any calm he managed to call up in the elevator disappeared as he stepped out of it, right in front of Steve coming out of the communal kitchen, immediately giving Tony his "disappointed" look. Tony felt a lecture coming on.

The engineer stopped in his tracks, just waiting, crossing his arms defiantly and looking up at Steve.

" I didn't want to make a big deal about this, but since you're here, I need to inform you that your behavior yesterday was out of order."

"My behavior? What am I, five? You know I don't do debriefs."

"Yes, but you don't leave the scene without my ok. You don't take off like that. Especially when you didn't confirm that Bruce had changed back. What happened?" Cap was giving Tony his stern, _I'm the boss_ look, but it was laced with worry. Tony rolled his eyes, so not interested in having this conversation.

"It was…personal. Is that allowed? That good enough for you?"

At that, to make things worse, the flare of concern in Steve's eyes grew. No, no, he was not about to discuss this stuff with Steve. No way.

"Listen, Tony, if something's going on, you know. You can talk to me."

Oh, god, he did not need Steve being _understanding._ That was worse than fighting with him. Just no.

Steve reached out, probably meaning to place a "comforting" hand on Tony's shoulder, but Tony instinctively tried to move away and Steve's ridiculously large hand landed half on Tony's throat, his fingers pressing on the skin of Tony's neck.

Tony's heart leapt in his throat and he jumped backwards, raising his hands as if to shield himself. "Don't Cap. Just- just don’t!" He yelled.

Steve pulled his hands back, his perfect blue eyes widening in shock. Oh great. Now Cap was gonna think Tony was losing it too. He was not gonna stand there and explain himself. No way in hell. Steve would just have to continue to think badly of him.

Exasperated and angry, Tony turned and stalked back to the elevator, forgetting all about the beer.

The morning had been nothing but stress. It was wonderful to see Rhodey, but he started right in on lecturing him too. And now Steve. God. Tony had to keep it together. He had to.

He walked back into the workshop, not seeing Rhodey right away. Dummy rolled up to him, holding out a 7'8 wrench. Tony gave him a small smile, patting Dummy's side.

"That's the right one. Thanks, buddy."

Tony stood there a moment, trying to calm the million thoughts whirring through his mind, trying to focus on his suits, his legion. He didn't hear Rhodey come up behind him. So when he felt Rhodey's hand on his arm, Tony couldn't help it - _he couldn't -_ he flinched again, jumping away from the unexpected touch and turning toward its source.

Rhodey's eyes registered a million things at once, Tony could see. Tony just stared at him, quiet, realizing he was holding the wrench up as if he had to defend himself. From Rhodey. _Shit_.

Rhodey gave him a serious look, but then smiled carefully. "Ok. Ok. Put. The. Wrench. Down. And nobody has to get hurt here."

Tony did, slowly lowering the wrench to the worktable in front of him. Still silent.

Rhodey spoke calmly. "I didn't say anything earlier, but now we're gonna talk. Something's going on."

Tony swallowed, nodding. He knew that he couldn't hide things from Rhodey. Not anymore.

"You know I don't push you. That' s not my thing. I don't push. That's not how we work."

Tony nodded at that, but still couldn't speak.

"But the problem is, you know, the last time I didn't push, turns out you were dying and you didn't tell me."

Tony didn't really have any comeback for that. Rhodey was right. Tony was always wrong. Always. He had wanted to protect Pepper, protect Rhodey; that's why he hadn't said anything about the palladium poisoning. But neither of them saw it that way when the truth came out.

Rhodey reached out his hand and placed it over Tony's on the worktable. Tony remembered, when his best friend finally found him in the desert, Rhodey practically didn't let go of Tony's hand until they were safely back on American soil. Rhodey hadn't let him go for a minute.

Rhodey had never given up on him.

And now Rhodey's voice was quiet, but clear. "If you're dying again, man, and you didn't tell me, I'm gonna kill you myself."

"No, it's not, no. Not that. I'm fine. I'm physically fine. Reactor's running well. Nothing's happened. Not really. It's just some old stuff coming back."

"Ok. Ok." Rhodey met his eyes. "Whatever it is, we'll deal with it. I've got you. You know that. You know you don't have to deal with stuff alone."

Tony nodded. Rhodey had told him the same thing when he was dying, and Tony had been an idiot not to listen to him. Not to trust him. He knew he could trust Rhodey; he'd always trusted Rhodey, but this wasn't something he wanted to dump on him. He really didn't know if he should do this.

"Yeah." Tony pulled his hand back and turned away from Rhodey, staring at his wall of suits. He couldn't look his best friend in the eye while he said this… Couldn't see the pain that would be in those eyes when he told him. He didn't want to burden Rhodey with this knowledge, but the man deserved the truth. No matter how much it would hurt.

"So, uh, you know what I was like in college. I mean, fucking anything that moved."

"Uh, well…" Rhodey was clearly surprised at the direction of the conversation. "I wouldn't put it exactly that way, but kind of, yeah. I'd say you made some… questionable choices. I worried about you."

"There was a reason for that. I kind of did things, let people do things that I didn't really want, because that's what I was used to… Somebody - taught me to be that way. There was somebody who, he taught me that that's what people would want from me." Tony stepped closer to Dummy, stroking his side. Dummy beeped happily.

"Obie. He - He - " Tony wanted to scream. He wasn't ready to say these things. The things he'd said to Bruce, to Jarvis. Even though it was Rhodey, he didn't want to. "He wanted that from me. For a lot of years. And Obie always  - always took what he wanted."

Ok, shit. That was it. That was all he was capable of saying right now. He couldn't go into details.

Tony rested his hand on Dummy's side, just waiting silently. For what seemed like forever, he didn't hear anything from behind him. God this had been a terrible idea. Terrible. Why had he said anything?

Then he felt Rhodey's hand land softly on his shoulder. Tony turned, still afraid to look at the other man, but Rhodey just wrapped him up in a tight hug, not saying a thing. Tony breathed in the familiar scent of Rhodey's cologne. This was ok. This was safety. This was Rhodey.

He felt his friend shaking slightly, like he was trying to reign in his anger. But he just kept holding tight to Tony.

There were a lot of things in Tony's past that weren't fuzzy memories. Rhodey was one of them. He'd been a miracle for Tony. His first real friend, the first person who, it seemed, didn't want him for his money or connections. Who liked his brains but really also seemed to like him.

And Tony would have done anything to keep him around. Didn't know how to keep him around, not make him leave. He only knew one way to make people stick around, that wasn't his money or his connections or his inventions. So one night, drunk off his skull, obviously, hanging out in the dorm, Rhodey let Tony rest his head on his shoulder, in that easy way he had.

Tony had leaned over and kissed him, desperate and afraid. Kissed him and let Rhodey know that he would do whatever Rhodey wanted, would give him anything he wanted.

And Rhodey had turned him down.  Turned him down but didn't freak out, didn't call him names or run off in disgust, and didn't leave Tony alone, just kept his arm around Tony and helped him through his hangover. Had kept on being his friend.

Always. Through everything.

Even now.

While these memories floated through Tony's mind, Rhodey stepped back, finally, but still met Tony's eyes. Didn't turn away. Tony could see him rewriting their history in his head, adding this new, horrible knowledge. Rhodey kept his hand on Tony's arm, and Tony could feel that his friend was shaking, but didn't know if it was with anger or pain.

"I - I - where's- ?" Rhodey swallowed and made a drinking gesture with his hand. Tony turned, then grabbed a bottle of whiskey and a glass from his liquor cabinet in the corner - standard issue for Stark tower - and sloshed a few fingers into the glass for Rhodey.

"Here," he handed Rhodey the glass, and the man grabbed hold of him again with his free hand. Rhodey took a sip of whiskey, his eyes still not looking away from Tony. Not making him feel...less.

"Come on." Rhodey guided Tony gently to sit down on the couch.

"I'm sorry," Tony said. "I - you didn't need this. You didn't-"

"Tones," Rhodey's voice was pained, like his eyes. "Don't you _ever_ apologize for this. Don't. Fuck-" Rhodey's eyes wandered the room as he took a deep breath to get himself together. "Oh shit - oh god, Tony…I can't believe… I should have…shit, I should have figured it out."

Tony shook his head. "There's nothing you should have done. you were the one, you were the one who did the most for me, really." And it was true. Rhodey had always been there for him. Even when Tony had been too stupid to turn to him.

Rhodey shook his head, then took another gulp of his drink. "He'd come to MIT and pick you up. Take you away. He'd -" Rhodey looked up, his face full of devastation. "I was supposed to look after you. Shit. I thought I was."

Tony just sat there and squeezed Rhodey's hand. He didn't know what to say to that. He didn't know how to help Rhodey with this. This was all getting to be too fucking much.

"You could have told me. You know I would have helped you. You gotta know that man." His voice was low and harsh as he said, "I would have ripped his fucking head off."

"I know." Tony shook his head, looking down at his hands. "I never told anyone. Never. I - I couldn't."

"But now, you told Bruce?" A whispered question.

 "It wasn't, it wasn't by choice." Tony sighed. Well, he'd come this far, he might as well reveal everything. "I - I had - last week. I guess you would call it a flashback." Tony forced himself to say another word from that list of horrible things he didn't want to think about. "Bruce was there. So, he got the horrible honor of being the first person I told. Ever."

"And how'd that go?"

"He's been great. Perfect. I don't think I could survive this without him."

 Rhodey let go of Tony's hand and lifted his arm, wrapping it around Tony's shoulders, pulling him close, Tony's head resting on Rhodey's shoulder. They sat like that for a long while in silence, Rhodey sipping his drink. Tony could only imagine what was going through his friend's head.

Then, when it was starting to get really weird, Rhodey spoke again.

"Ok. I know what we need to do right now. Enough work."

Tony sat up and gave Rhodey a skeptical glance. He wanted to argue; getting lost in work was always welcome. Usually managed to distract him. But he waited to see what Rhodey had in mind.

"Jarvis, can you cue up Star Wars upstairs? And ask Bruce to join us?"

"Of course, Lt. Colonel."

Tony smiled. He could always trust Rhodey to know what he needed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I wish I had more time to work on it, but I wanted to post. I might change things later, but here it is. My ultimate goal is to update twice a month. Let's hope real life lets me do that. ;)


	21. Good Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony was not going to rock the boat, because today Bruce was - Bruce was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter! Let me know if you spot mistakes cuz as usual I didn't have as much time as I wanted to work on this.

Tony could hardly believe the scene before his eyes. He was standing at the entrance to the kitchen, slowly nursing a beer, looking out at the communal living room.

He and Rhodey had spent the previous day with the suits, so he hadn't seen much of Bruce's preparations for Thanksgiving. With Steve's help, he had put together a real feast. They'd set everything up as a buffet - turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, bread, cornbread and all kinds of vegetables, even things that Tony couldn't name, and the Avengers and Rhodey were now filling their plates to overflowing.

It was great. Everyone seemed pretty relaxed. Steve hadn't brought up their argument the other day. Tony didn't know if Cap was treating him like he was fragile or just keeping the peace for the sake of the holiday. Either way, he didn't really want it brought up, so he didn't mind. He was not going to rock the boat, because today Bruce was - Bruce was _happy_.

Bruce was standing next to him, that adorable half-smile on his face. Tony beamed at him through a mouthful of stuffing.

Bruce nodded, shyly. "This is really great. Really."

"Yeah. It is." Bruce was holding a plate with more veggies on it than meat. Tony would have to make sure he ate before Steve and Natasha cleaned everything out.

Rhodey walked over, balancing his full plate in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other. He put his plate down on the kitchen island and stood next to Tony.

"Man, this is awesome." He nodded to Bruce, still looking at Tony. "I'm starting to think you should keep him."

"Oh, I'm definitely keeping him." Tony shoved a mound of mashed potatoes into his mouth, dripping gravy everywhere. Bruce just chuckled at him.

There was a ding from somewhere in the kitchen and Bruce smiled wider. "Oh, good. They're done. I have something just for you, Tony."

"Just for _me?"_ Tony smiled, that sparkle in his eyes again. Bruce put on the big green oven mitts Tony had gotten him as a joke and pulled a casserole dish out of the oven. He turned back towards Tony and put the pan down in the space Rhodey kindly cleared for it.

Tony's eyes widened as he saw it. "You didn't! Gimme! Gimme!" His fork swooped down into the sweet potatoes covered with gooey marshmallows.

"Rhodey might have let something slip about your favorite dish? Otherwise it's not something I would ever have made… Don't burn yourself."

"Oh, you don't understand anything," Tony said, his mouth already full. "This is ambrosia. Mmmm." Tony swallowed. "I am soooo keeping you." Bruce chuckled again as Tony gave him a sticky, marshmallowey kiss.

* * *

Bruce lost count of how many times the others went back to refill their plates, between watching the parade (and explaining most of the balloons to Steve), interspersed with videogame battles, which Bruce opted out of, as he had to put the pies in to bake, and keep checking that Natasha hadn't snuck into the kitchen to make off with all the dessert.

He was calm, and happy to see everyone enjoying themselves. This wasn't a "Tony Stark" party. He'd been to those - loud, busy, overwhelming - where he tried to just make himself invisible and hide in the corners of the room. This was just for the team (and Rhodey, who Tony had been trying to convince to join the team for a while now). A kind of "real" Thanksgiving, something neither Tony nor he had ever really had.

Steve came into the kitchen and grabbed four beers, handing one to Bruce. Bruce looked at him. "You know I don't really-"

"I know. I don't either. Just one sip. For a toast. I have a few things to say."

Steve went around the room, making sure everybody had a drink in hand. Then he stood in the middle of the living room and cleared his throat.

"Listen everybody, I wanted to say something."

Tony and Rhodey looked up at him from the couch, Natasha and Clint from where they were sitting, kind of entwined in each other, sharing an armchair that was really meant for one person.

"First, to Bruce for making all this great stuff." Steve gestured around at the remnants of the dinner.

"You helped," Bruce piped up.

"Yeah," Steve smiled. "I helped by boiling water and opening cans. At least I know how to do that much. But without Bruce, I don't know about you all but I know I'd be eating takeout today." There were nods of agreement at that.

But Steve didn't raise his beer to drink yet. He kept talking. "And, really, to the person who we kind of owe everything to here. To Tony."

Tony blinked, unable to completely hide his surprise. He glanced sideways at Bruce. Was Cap being serious? He didn't really know how to deal with that.

"I'm not gonna say he never complains or we never argue, but I've never heard him complain about all the hours he spends making us the best equipment possible, making sure we have the best training, the best of everything. So we can do our job the best we can."

The others were nodding at Cap's words and looking at Tony. Tony loved being the center of attention, he really did, but his was kind of weird. Tony felt like he must be in an alternate universe or something.

But Bruce was smiling at him, so it must be real. Tony turned his eyes back to Cap. Steve, who wasn't doing his "big boss" thing right now, but who just looked like the freaking _young_ kid he really was, standing there in jeans and a hoodie Tony knew Natasha had bought for him, to help bring his clothes into this century.

"But it's not just that. It's not just about our work. Tony has given us so much more than that. A place to live, a - a home. I'm definitely much happier here than living in SHIELD barracks or worse, on the helicarrier. Maybe I don't say this enough, actually, I'm sure I don't say this enough. We wouldn't be half the team we are if it weren't for Tony."

Steve raised his beer. "To Tony."

Everybody else raised their beer or their glass, so Tony raised his, still feeling weird.

Bruce was watching Tony carefully, and he saw the engineer call up his shield of snark, to hide whatever he was really feeling.

"Well, you're the boss, you know," Tony smiled at Steve, taking a sip of his beer. "I just pay for most things…and design everything. Aaaand make everybody look cooler," he quipped.

Rhodey punched him on the shoulder, laughing. "That you do. You certainly do. To Tony."

"To Tony" the room chorused. Everyone was toasting him. Ok. He took another sip of his beer, joining in, but couldn't quell the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach. He wanted to believe in this, he wanted to, but there were too many voices in his head telling him not to.

Luckily he'd finished off his beer, so he had an excuse to get away from Steve's honest, too-open gaze. Tony held up his bottle and stood up from the couch.

"Thanks, um, I'm gonna - gonna get another."

The squirming feeling in Tony's stomach lessened a bit as he sat at the kitchen island next to Bruce. He glanced over and saw that Bruce could understand everything he was feeling. _Shit_.

"You know, uh, Steve means it. He really does," Bruce whispered.

"Yeah. Yeah. I could see that." Tony picked up another beer, his fingers tapping on the glass of the bottle. Bruce placed his hand gently over Tony's and stopped him.

 "But it's hard to believe, right?"

Tony sighed, rolling his eyes. "Can we leave my psychoanalyzing to Jarvis for right now. Please?"

"Yeah, sure. Sorry." Tony could have smacked himself at the quick look of hurt that flashed through Bruce's eyes at that.

 _Good move, idiot._ He didn't want to mess up this day for Bruce. But it seemed that was what he was best at.

Bruce turned to busy himself with stacking up dirty dishes, to give Tony a minute. He knew he shouldn't push Tony, he knew it, but sometimes he wished Tony could see himself how the others saw him.

Though he also knew that Tony probably thought the same thing about him.

Bruce didn't have time to wallow in his guilt at pushing Tony too hard, though, because Natasha sidled up to him and said, in a sultry whisper,

"I heard you made pies?"

Bruce turned to face her and saw that Tony had wandered back to the living room. Natasha was looking at him, not exactly with puppy eyes, but the closest she could get.

"Uh, yeah. I did. Three kinds of pie." The joy on her face at hearing that news was incredible. He had to smile a bit. He took out the pumpkin, blueberry and apple pies and set them out in front of her. She was about to just dig in with her hands, but he forced her to take a plate. He took one too and sat with her.

Over her shoulder he watched Tony talking to Clint and Rhodey. He didn't seem upset, but Bruce knew Tony was an expert at hiding what was going on inside of him.

Natasha followed Bruce's eyes, that were glued to Tony, and he was sure she could see his worry. She cleared her throat softly.  After a few moments she spoke, pitching her voice low so she wouldn't be overheard.

"You know, Tony likes patterns, schematics, things he can predict. This is none of that."Her voice was serious. "He'll have good days and bad days. And some really bad days."

Bruce looked back at her and nodded, not knowing how to answer that. She could hide anything and everything when she had to, but it seemed in this case she was being honest. She was clearly talking about Clint. After what he went through with Loki, there were some weeks when the two of them were away on SHIELD assignments, Bruce knew, but other weeks where they were just away.

Just trying to deal like the rest of them.

It wasn't so different from Bruce's own situation. He certainly had his share of bad days. And really bad days. He was just trying to think about what he would want Tony to do if his "stuff" came back to him, and acted accordingly.

Right now at least Clint seemed to be having a good day. Bruce saw him grab a microphone, and gesture at Steve.

"Steve, get ready for another party tradition, karaoke. Now Jarvis-"

But Tony quickly grabbed the mic out of Clint's hand. "No no. Me first." Clint gave him a dirty look, but stepped back. "Oh honey," Tony called out to Bruce, in a sing-song voice, looking at Bruce, a spark of mischief in those big brown eyes. "Can you come out here and watch me embarrass myself?"

Bruce put down his fork; he hadn't been eating anyway. He walked slowly out into the living room, Natasha trailing behind him. He was nervous, not really knowing what Tony was planning.

Tony was smiling at him, holding the mic. "Come on, get a front row seat." Bruce sat on the couch next to Steve. Tony took a step back so he was standing in the middle of the room, practically posing as only he could. "It's not a party unless I completely embarrass myself," he said, glancing at Rhodey.

"I don't know, Tones. Don't know if you can beat peeing in your Iron Man suit in front of a room full of people".

"Yeah. That is hard to beat," Natasha actually laughed.

Bruce gaped at Tony, then cleared his throat. "You know, I'm starting to think there are a few too many stories I haven't heard."

"Well, I hope this will be a little classier than that. Jarvis, drop my needle."

"Yes Sir."

Bruce had no idea what was coming. He expected rock, Tony was all loud rock and blaring guitars, except when he wasn't.

The first notes came, a haunting melody of plucked strings. Backed by an echoing beat. It called to mind loneliness and desolation. After a moment, Bruce realized he knew this song. He couldn't believe Tony was about to sing it in front of the whole team.

 _A stone's throw from Jerusalem_  
_I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight_  
_And though a million stars were shining_  
_My heart was lost on a distant planet_  
_That whirls around the April moon_  
_Whirling in an arc of sadness_

 _I'm lost without you I'm lost without you_  
  


Tony could sing. Holy shit, Tony could _sing_! And he was singing to Bruce, in front of the whole team and his best friend. Bruce felt his face quickly flushing red, but didn't care. Didn't care at all.

This wasn't Tony putting on a show for an audience. This was different. This was for Bruce. And Tony was looking just at Bruce, his face open and almost vulnerable. Even though Clint was capturing everything on his Starkphone and Steve was just sitting and watching, an amazed, bemused look on his face.

 _And from the dark secluded valleys_  
_I heard the ancient sighs of sadness_  
_But every step I thought of you_  
_Every footstep only you_  


Tony looked at Bruce, trying to pour what he was feeling into the song. Not caring for once about the teasing he would certainly get from Clint and Natasha, or the fact that Steve was watching him.

Bruce seemed embarrassed, unsure, but kind of happy. After all, they were with the team, among friends.

_Although I claim dominions over all I see_

A dramatic sweep of his arm to the window, looking out over Tony's kingdom. Then back to Bruce.

_It means nothing to me_  
_There are no victories_  
_In all our histories, without love_

A few steps forward, closer to Bruce, sitting on the couch, looking like a deer caught in headlights but loving it. __  
  


_And though you hold the keys to ruin_  
_Of everything I see_  
_With every prison blown to dust,_  
_My enemies walk free_  
_Though all my kingdoms turn to sand_  
_And fall into the sea_  
_I'm mad about you I'm mad about you_

Another few steps forward, then Tony leaned down and kissed Bruce.  He wanted Bruce to know how much he meant it. He meant it all.

Clint's chuckling broke through Tony's concentration.

"Ok. You stupid nerds, you did it. You officially ruined karaoke."  Tony looked up, ready to fight, but saw the huge smile on Clint's face, behind his phone, which was still recording.

But Bruce was tugging at Tony's hand, standing up and pulling him toward the doorway. His expression was all joy. "Can I - can I see you outside?"

Tony followed Bruce into the hallway, and found himself shoved against the wall, Bruce kissing the life out of him. Bruce pulled back for a moment, taking a breath.

"I didn't think you could get any sexier, but you outdid yourself." Bruce was kissing him again, and Tony smiled against Bruce's hungry lips. Yes, Bruce was definitely happy.

After a few minutes, they broke apart again, just to breathe. Bruce rested his hands on Tony's shoulders, smiling widely. Tony held on to Bruce's arm, reassuring himself. Reminding himself.

They heard Clint start singing, a pop song Bruce didn't know.

"I can't believe - great song. It's an amazing bouzouki solo at the beginning. I heard it played when I was in Greece, years ago."

"Yeah. He chose it because he wanted the piece to have a real Eastern Meditteranean feel."

"You mean Sting? And you know this because?"

"Cuz we jammed together. A few years back."

Bruce smiled wider. "Of course you did. Of course. I sometimes forget."

"Forget what?"

"That you're a genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist."

Tony put on his shocked face. "How is that something you can forget?"

Bruce's smile softened, the corners of his eyes wrinkling. "Because you're Tony. My Tony. The guy that was singing to me out there wasn't "Tony fucking Stark". It was just you."

Tony cleared his throat. "That's not fair. You can't do this to me." Bruce looked closely and saw that Tony's eyes were actually wet. "It's not - I'm a big, strong, stoic superhero," he joked.

"A stoic superhero that was just serenading me?"

"Well, I can blame that on the alcohol."

"You had all of 3 beers today."

Tony knew that was something Bruce noticed, always.  "God, did I? How did that happen? I guess I was too busy eating. The best Thanksgiving dinner I've ever had."

"Thanks." Bruce's smile was wonderful. Tony hadn't completely screwed this day up. He hadn't. He took a deep breath.

"Happy Thanksgiving," Tony said, moving in to kiss Bruce again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue from IM3/Avengers: Age of Ultron not mine. Just borrowing it.  
> All information/description/knowledge about music and the Sting song are from the amazing [hellogaywatson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/hellogaywatson/pseuds/hellogaywatson), who knows a lot of stuff!  
> "Mad About You" - Copyright: Davlo Music, Sting  
> Sting [Mad About You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRJGVSlX8c0)  
> [RDJ singing with Sting](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1crxmBTxRlM&list=PL6HLNLj_zNZxMtr9rfGtZnkd1jhXxrb4t&index=4)


	22. Good Look

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony stuck out his hand, as if he was greeting any random person at one of these gigs. But Murphy wasn't some random person. He brought up memories that weren't fuzzy. Memories that made his stomach turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, never enough time to do things. Let me know if you spot mistakes.

 

"Shit!"

Bruce only slept deeply after transforming. Normally he was a light sleeper, so Tony's voice, even from the bathroom, wormed its way into his consciousness. Bruce opened his eyes as he heard it again.

"Shit! Shit!"

He got up and padded to the bathroom, leaning against the doorway. Tony was standing at the mirror in front of the double marble sinks, staring at his reflection, his hand rubbing at his goatee.

Bruce schooled his face to be open and understanding of whatever was happening. "Hi," he said gently.

Tony looked over at him. "Sorry, shit. I woke you?"

"It's ok. I slept pretty well, for once. I think all the turkey sent me into a coma. You - ok?" He got a sigh at that, but just waited for Tony to tell him what was going on.

"There's the gala tonight…"

"I told you. I'm coming with you. I haven't changed my mind." Bruce moved quickly to Tony's side, his hand on Tony's shoulder.  

"I know," Tony smiled. "Your tux'll be here at 3." A small smile at that. "It's just -" Tony's eyes flitted to the mirror again. "I have to go to my hair guy."

"Ok," Bruce said carefully, kind of confused. Tony's eyes roamed the room, not settling on Bruce.

"It's - My guy's…a guy. And I'm not doing too well at - at - " he took a deep breath and forced himself to say it "letting people touch me lately."

"Oh." Bruce's hand tightened on Tony's shoulder, his eyes understanding. "But can't you just trim your goatee yourself? I mean, if you don't feel like going?"

"Yeah but, he doesn't just trim it." Tony finally met Bruce's eyes and gestured to his goatee. Bruce squinted at it, not really noticing anything strange or different.

"J, glasses please."

"Yes Sir." A slot opened in the wall and Tony scooped out an extra pair of glasses for Bruce. Bruce had told him to stop making him extra pairs; it was a waste to make them just so Bruce didn't have to remember to always carry them with him, but Tony insisted.

Tony placed the glasses gently on Bruce's nose and Bruce looked closer.

Tony's goatee was peppered through with gray, mostly along his chin. So, Bruce connected the dots, Tony was saying that he - he - he _dyed_  his goatee? This was the big secret?

The scientist couldn't help the laughter that bubbled up in him. It burst out of him uncontrollably and he was laughing so hard. Like he'd never laughed before Tony came into his life.

"You - you - "Bruce leaned back against the sink and put his hands to his stomach, not really used to this feeling. His eyes were even tearing up.

Tony watched Bruce laughing - really laughing, and it melted the anxiety flowing through him. He had made it one of his goals in life to make sure Bruce laughed more, not necessarily at his expense, but that didn't matter at all.

Bruce pulled off his glasses to wipe his eyes. He'd laughed so hard he was tearing up. It was a beautiful sight.

"Did you-" Tony chuckled. "Did you miss the memo that I'm vain?"

"No. No," Bruce shook his head, smiling gently. "It's just, after everything, _this_ is something you feel you have to hide from me?"His tone was light, not annoyed, and that made Tony's breath come even easier.

"I never said I wasn't stupid."

Bruce reached out and gently touched Tony's chin, running his fingers along Tony's goatee.

"It's a shame though. I kinda like the whole silver fox thing you got going on."

Tony smiled, placing his hand on Bruce's. "It's not just vanity. I mean, it is, obviously, but it's - " Tony's eyes grew serious. "I'm just me. I don't have powers. I don't heal like Steve. Like you. I need to at least keep up appearances. Keep up the illusion." Tony pulled Bruce's hand away from his face but kept holding on.

Bruce gently reached out with his free hand and touched the reactor, shining blue through Tony's t-shirt.

"Just because you can see the signs of what you've been through, that doesn't make you weaker."

Tony just squeezed his hand at that, staying silent. Bruce leaned in and gave him a soft kiss, thinking.

"Hm. What if - why don't you get your guy to come here? You're Tony Stark, you can get anybody to do anything, right? I can hang out with you while you're getting your makeover. He might be so interested in finding out gossip about your new boyfriend he won't notice if you're not your usual self."

Tony chuckled. "That - that might work." He nodded. "Jarvis, call William and get him to come here at 11."

"Of course, Sir."

"Tony, uh, now I feel I have to confess something," Bruce's voice was teasing again.

"Yeah?"

"Well, one morning I was looking for shaving cream and I accidentally found your concealer. And your - " he shuddered theatrically "snail cream? What the hell even is that? Actually, I don't want to know."

Then it was Tony's turn to laugh uncontrollably.

 

* * *

Tony stood at the door of the bedroom, watching his scientist, decked out in one amazing tux, struggling with his bow tie.

They'd managed to get through Tony's beauty routine without Tony making a fool of himself. Bruce had fallen into the role of "Bruce Edwards," acting more confident than he usually was, kind of playing a part. Bruce was right - William was so completely distracted by trying to find out all he could about Bruce that he hardly noticed if Tony wasn't his usual ebullient self.

Bruce saw Tony watching and threw up his hands.

"Do this for me please?"

Tony walked up behind him, reached his hands around, and started to expertly tie Bruce's tie. He'd been restored to his "youthful vigour" and was now dressed in a tux and a pair of his eccentric sneakers. Sneakers, Bruce noted, that made him a few inches taller than usual. Usually Bruce would tease him about his shoes, but today, today he still had Tony's small voice in his head -

_he was so much bigger than me -_

No, definitely not today. Bruce understood that sometimes shoes could be a type of armor too.

Tony's deft hands finished their work and Tony smiled at Bruce in the mirror.

"There. Perfect."

Bruce turned and smirked at Tony.

"I don't know about that."

"You don't have to do this, you know. You don't have to go."

"I know. But I'm not leaving you alone right now. Even if it means dealing with a room full of obnoxious Tony Stark fans."

"Don't worry about that. There'll be an equal number of people who hate my guts there." Tony looked in the mirror and adjusted his hair, not giving too much importance to what he was saying. Like it was just a fact. That was another thing that made Bruce's heart hurt.

"I don't know about that. We'll have backup. Natasha convinced the whole team to go. And I asked Rhodey too."

Tony's eyes softened at that. "How did you-?"

"I bribed Natasha with pie. A surprisingly effective strategy."

Tony reached into his pocket and held out his hand to Bruce, showing him an earbud.

"Well, I got backup for you too. So if I have to schmooze too much, you won't feel alone."

"What?" Bruce picked it up and put it in his ear. His curls convienently hid it from sight.

"Hello Bruce," Jarvis said, in his ear. "Through his device I will be able to monitor the entire room as well as your vitals. So you will not have to be concerned about any threats this evening."

"Thank you Jarvis. Tony-" Bruce smiled and leaned up to kiss the billionaire. They were getting this. They were actually getting this. It was slow, and hard sometimes, but they were both learning to take care of each other.

* * *

Bruce spent the limo ride schooling himself to be calm. He was there for Tony. He'd actually done this before, and he could do it again.

Even though this time the press would be after him too.

Before they stepped out into the chaos, Tony squeezed Bruce's hand hard and gave him a real Tony smile.

"Just smile and I'll take care of everything," the engineer promised.

The door to the limo was opened and Tony got out. Bruce stuck a smile on his face and concentrated on breathing.

Flashes of cameras, crowding, shouting journalists, people talking over each other. Bruce stayed mostly quiet, and for him it passed in kind of a blur, Tony talking a mile a minute, holding tight to his hand.

He was squeezing Tony's hand so hard he was afraid he would break it. He was repeating to the Other Guy in his head _\- we're here to help Tinman. There's no danger. No danger. No danger._

Somehow they made it into the hotel and walked down the steps to the entrance of the ballroom. Tony whispered to him, "You did it. That part's over."

Bruce let out a huff of air. He looked around the ballroom, filled with the rich and their entourages. He had to remind himself that this was for charity, that in the end it did some good, however little it may turn out to be.

"Holy crap, look at Steve." Tony whispered, his eyes drawn across the room, where Steve, whose classy tux even looked like it had come from this century, was talking to Natasha, who had dressed to die (or kill) for in a long red evening gown that matched her hair.

"Steve is going to have his hands full tonight," Bruce admitted, as Tony led him nearer to the bar in the corner. "He told me that Natasha has made it her mission to fix him up."

Tony's eyes lit up. "Great! That's an important mission. Get Cap laid. Should be the Avengers' priority from now on."

"Tony, I think Steve has no problem getting laid. He's looking for something else. He's looking for a connection."

"Well, you'd know. You're the one that has the late night bonding sessions with him."

"I do. He's become a good friend." Bruce's smile was genuine, and Tony smiled back. Damn, he really was gonna have to start treating Cap better. It was just so hard sometimes.

 

"Looking sharp, boys," came Pepper's voice, and she strode over to them, looking perfectly put together and perfectly beautiful, as always.

"You survived the onslaught outside?" She asked Bruce.

"Yeah. Well, Tony did most of the talking. He's used to this stuff." Bruce gestured nervously to the room.

Tony saw that the confidence Bruce had shown that afternoon seemed to have disappeared, and nervous Bruce had returned. Shit.

"Uh, what do you guys want to drink, I'm gonna," he gestured to the bar, and Tony could see how desperate he was to get out of this conversation.  Pepper asked for red wine and Tony for scotch, of course. He would go slowly but he needed his first drink of the evening.

Having found his excuse, Bruce walked off to the bar.

"So, he's still afraid to talk to me?"

Tony sighed, "It's like he collects things to feel guilty about."

"He shouldn't. Really."

This was actually an uncomfortable conversation, Tony realized. He quickly changed gears.

"So, who's your lucky suitor this evening?"

"I came with Happy. Just as friends. I'm not in the mood right now to deal with _that_. I'm too busy trying to fight off the press as it is." Her beautiful smile turned mischievous. "I've gotten a lot of interesting offers. They want me to write a tell-all about Tony Stark."

The press? Oh crap. He hadn't thought about Pepper. How they would go after Pepper. What a shit he was.

"Shit. Oh shit, Pep. Those assholes! They've been bugging you? Why didn't I think of that?"

"I didn't expect you to." Her tone wasn't accusing, just matter of fact.

 _Ouch_. But Pepper was right. Always right about him. There was no anger in her eyes though.

"You know they're just trying to dig up some drama. As if it weren't enough for them that you switched teams."

"But they have no right to go after you. Fuck! You know, _you know_ that with you it was always - always - nothing was fake with you. You know that." He grabbed her arm. She knew he could be serious when he needed to, and about this he was serious. He'd given her everything he could. It wasn't her fault she needed something that wasn't him.

"I know," she said calmly. "I can handle them." That was certainly true. Pepper could reduce anyone to a pile of dust with just her words. That was one of her superpowers. Even so, Tony was glad Happy was there tonight to watch her back. "Seriously, things were worse when we were dating. I hope Bruce knows what he's in for."

Tony swallowed at that. He was sure Bruce had no idea what he was in for.

* * *

Tony was mingling, schmoozing, all the things a good billionaire philanthropist was supposed to do. He kept an eye on Bruce, who was never without an Avenger or Rhodey by his side, it seemed.  It warmed Tony's heart to see that.

He had just gotten away from a really boring, but unfortunately rich socialite, and he was going to go find Bruce, when he heard a voice behind him.

"If it isn't Tony Stark," came a voice he knew.  A voice he never wanted to hear again.

Tony turned and put on his poker face.

"Terrence Murphy," He stuck out his hand, as if he was greeting any random person at one of these gigs. But Murphy wasn't some random person. He brought up memories that weren't fuzzy.  Memories that made his stomach turn.

"It's been a long time." Murphy looked him up and down as Tony shook his hand. Tony pulled his hand away as quickly as politely possible, and tried to keep some distance between the two of them, crossing his arms unconsciously.

"Yes. A lot as changed."

The other man was taller than Tony, with one of those "rugged" faces, looked like he should be a cowboy, or, better yet, an actor that played cowboys. Blue eyes, brown hair - with more grey than the last time Tony had seen him in person - and a predatory smile he was using on Tony.

"You know, I was going to skip this thing, but after seeing your adorable photo in the paper, I thought I would check things out in person."

Tony just stared, as he used all his energy to keep his expression neutral, bored even. even though he was hearing Obie's voice in his head.

_We need this contract, Tony. You need to make Terry happy._

No. _No!_ Those feelings, those memories, just shove them down. Lock them away. Not happening here!

Then Murphy looked across the ballroom, to where Bruce was sitting at a table, deep in conversation with Happy. "Doesn't seem like your type. He looks like such a sweet, normal guy. Huh."

With that Tony's head filled with ways he could easily reduce this guy to a pile of broken bones writhing on the floor, but he couldn't do that here. He'd have to explain why he got into a fistfight with one of the night's major donors. No, here he had to be good boy for the press. Shit.

"I am surprised, though. I thought if you came out, you'd go for a boy-toy."

Tony swallowed hard. "I was never into _that_." He kept his voice low, controlled.

Murphy looked him over again, and then settled his hand on Tony's arm, squeezing. Those eyes seemed to be taking him apart. "The muscles really work on you, I have to say."

"You wanna get your fucking paw off me, Tony said in a deadly whisper _._ The guy was towering over him. Too fucking close.

"You can't tell me you never enjoyed our time together." He said it casually, like he was talking about the weather, the fucker.

But Tony remembered those hands, and that voice -

_oh yeah, you're everything Obie said you were…_

He tried not to shudder, keeping his billionaire-philanthropist mask firmly in place, fighting against the anger coursing through him.

"Get the fuck back," Tony spat. He was using all his energy just to not throw the other guy across the room. Even though fear was swirling through the pit in his stomach, at this moment, if he wasn't being watched by hundreds of eyes, he would.

He would kill the fucker.

But he couldn't. He couldn't do any of that. He would have to decide the best way to fuck the guy up without making a scene. But his wit had run off, nowhere to be found. His brain felt dulled by fear.

He finally just yanked his arm from Murphy's grasp, hoping there weren't too many onlookers at the moment. He couldn't get away easily without drawing too much attention. Shit. Shit!

"I'm not the person I used to be," Tony said, trying to put all of this strength into that statement.

Murphy just shook his head and laughed - _laughed._

"Now that you fly around in that flashy suit, saving the world? I don't see much change. You'll still do anything for attention."

 _No, that wasn't -_ A voice popped up in Tony's head, somehow getting through his defenses. _No! I didn't want what you did to me…_

Tony couldn’t breathe. He couldn't do this. He _couldn't_ -

Then he felt a hand softly land on the small of his back, a familiar touch. Rhodey was standing to his left.

"Hey, Tony, sorry to interrupt. The Secretary of Defence needs you to answer a few questions." Rhodey turned to Murphy. "I think we met years back."

"Yes. Lt. Colonel Rhodes," Murphy shook his hand. "Nice to see you again."

"Sorry, Terry, but duty calls, you know," Tony said, letting Rhodey hustle him away.

Rhodey kept his hand on Tony's back and whispered, "Nobody needs you, I thought you might want "rescuing" from that guy. I could see that you did not want to be talking to him." Rhodey's tone was light, but Tony knew his friend could see below the surface.

"Yeah. Thanks." He put his hand on Rhodey's arm. He had no idea what his face must look like.

Rhodey leaned in a bit closer. "What do you need? Bruce? Or-"

"Just," Tony swallowed, shaking his head. "Just some air. A few minutes."

Rhodey guided him easily through the crowd and out onto the terrace. There was a biting wind but it was better than staying inside. It would clear his head some.

He leaned against the railing, looking out over the city, trying to wrangle the feelings inside him into some type of control.

"I remember that guy," Rhodey said softly from beside him."He was a client of SI right?"

Tony nodded. He couldn't really speak right now.

"He was friends with-?"

"Obie," Tony choked out. He gripped the cold railing, trying to breathe, to ground himself, to stop the thoughts flooding his brain.

_What about Bruce? Bruce doesn't know everything you've done._

Tony tried to talk back to the voice. Bruce loved him. He'd said he wouldn't leave. He wouldn't. He couldn't. But what if -?

_Do you think he'll still be so kind and understanding once he knows? So forgiving?_

_Will he even be able to look at you ever again?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> actual plot happening now!


	23. Good Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But Tony, Tony was not gonna sleep. Not happening. The non-fuzzy things were flooding into his head. All the things he had done. The things he would have to tell Bruce. And he couldn't - he couldn't-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major trigger warnings for this chapter. Be advised, please.

Bruce was not having a terrible time. Tony had gone off to mingle and he found himself, at turns, flanked by one of the Avengers – at a certain point Steve had even used him as a shield to fend off the women Natasha kept trying to introduce him too.

And now he was sitting with Happy, one of the first people besides Tony that he could consider his friend. The moment Tony had introduced them, the day after the invasion, when Happy and Pepper had finally managed to reach New York, Happy looked at Tony and asked, “This the big green guy?” At Tony’s nod, Happy had grabbed Bruce up in a Thor-like hug, causing Bruce to have to calm the Other Guy.

Once Happy had put him down, he’d thanked him profusely for the Other Guy’s great catch of Iron Man and said, “Anything. Anything you ever need, you got it.” And Happy had kept his word.  He’d been a great fan of the Other Guy and Bruce ever since.

Happy looked out across the room, people drinking, dancing, talking, scheming. “You see a lot of fake people at these things. It’s not good to spend too much time around people like that,” Happy said.  “But the boss always has to work the room. And I guess it’s publicity for you superheroes now.”

Bruce shrugged. “Tony’s much better at that part than I am.”

“Yeah. You’re just the bodyguard,” Happy winked at him. “I’m glad to know he has a stronger bodyguard that I was.”

Bruce sipped his soda. “I’m only strong sometimes.”

Happy shook his head. “Nah. There’s more than one way to be strong. Most people here, if they went through half of what the Boss or you been through, they’d be dead or locked away in a psych ward. Or that crazy Loki guy.”

“Maybe. But a lot of people think I should be locked away.”

“If you were locked away, New York would have alien overlords. And the world would be missing a couple a heroes.”

Bruce didn’t really know how to answer that. He picked up his drink to distract himself. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Tony and Rhodey come back into the ballroom from the terrace. Immediately he heard Jarvis in his ear.

“I do not wish to alarm you, Bruce, but I am picking up extreme anxiety levels from Sir. His heart rate and adrenaline are very high.”

Bruce was on his feet before he even realized he was moving.

 

_You can do this. You are not gonna let that asshole ruin your evening._

Tony walked back into the ballroom, fixing his smile on his face, striding forward confidently. He was not even gonna look around to see where Murphy was. He was not.

Suddenly Bruce was right there, taking his hand, looking at him with those warm eyes.

"Hey. You getting bored?" Bruce asked. He was not gonna ask Tony how he was feeling, that would just make things worse. He could see Tony's "billionaire-philanthropist" mask was on. He wanted to take Tony out of there, away from all these people that didn't know him, and just hold him till his panic passed. But Tony was clearly holding it together with all his might, and Bruce wasn't about to disturb that.

 "Just dealing with some real idiots. Ex-clients. People that don't understand that things change."

Bruce squeezed Tony's hand, hoping at least that slight contact could calm him a little. Tony smiled, leaning closer to him.

"So, I didn't ask you if you wanted to be low key tonight or if you were ok with some PDA."

"Depends what you had in mind." Bruce smiled, trying to hide his worry. "Well, we could give the press a show."

"What type of a show?"

"What about acting like cheesy, dorky teenagers in love?" Tony smirked.

Bruce would do anything to help Tony calm down, but that was a bit scary. "What exactly would that entail?"

"Well," Tony said, sliding a hand across Bruce's shoulders. "I'd have to touch you." Tony leaned into him, his mouth near Bruce's ear. "I'll whisper silly things in your ear."

"That's good. That - I think I could do that."

Tony concentrated on Bruce's smile, and rested his head on Bruce's shoulder for a moment, letting himself have just that moment of comfort.

Bruce was quiet, just exuding his calm. Tony listened to Bruce's breathing, trying to focus on that and block out all the horrible thoughts in his head.

Bruce wrapped his arm around Tony's waist, holding him close. He looked across the ballroom to see Natasha and Clint dancing, effortlessly, in perfect harmony with each other.

They were both so good at keeping their covers, but Bruce saw it. It was just a moment, while Natasha's head was turned, Clint looked at her and Bruce could see it. Clint was deeply, madly, completely in love with her. Was that what others could see on his face when he was with Tony?

"So?" Tony's voice jolted him out of this thoughts and he felt Tony move. He looked up to see Tony holding out his hand.

"May I have this dance?"

Tony almost laughed at Bruce's expression. He looked terrified.

"But I - I don't - there's not much call for dancing when you're on the run." Tony grabbed his hand. Bruce was willing to do anything to help Tony calm down, but he didn't know about this. "I'll step on your toes."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take. I'll lead. Just hold on and try not to think too much."

Bruce nodded and let Tony pull him on to the dance floor. It was a slow song, and Tony pulled him close.

"Oh God, this is a dangerous idea."

"Try not to think too hard. Just follow me," Tony said in his ear. As they moved together, and somehow Bruce managed not to make a complete fool of himself, he heard Jarvis in his other ear.

"Sir's heart rate is slowing a bit," came Jarvis' voice in his ear.

Good. Good. Bruce tried to listen to Tony's advice, and not think too much. He also tried not to look at all the faces watching them, of course people were watching them. But as they danced, he saw that not all of the faces were disapproving. A lot of them were smiling. And cameras were going off.

They were definitely "feeding" the press. But it didn't matter. Tony was calming down. That was what mattered. Just Tony.

* * *

They'd managed to get through the rest of the gala without incident. Despite Bruce's fears, dancing had not caused the Other Guy to show up. But they had provided a great deal of material to the tabloids.

Now Bruce was asleep in bed next to Tony. Sometimes socializing wore him out just as much as being the Other Guy, Tony knew.

But Tony, Tony was not gonna sleep. Not happening. The non-fuzzy things were flooding into his head. All the things he had done. The things he would have to tell Bruce. And he couldn't - he _couldn't-_

He crept out of the bed quietly, grabbing sweats from the closet. It was cold, or he was cold, shivering. He couldn't tell. Tony managed to put on the sweats, then found himself just standing in the living room, staring at the bar. What was he supposed to do? Maybe he could drink these thoughts away?

His hands were shaking and again he couldn't breathe. Dammit! He had thought he could get away with pushing away these memories, ignoring them, forgetting them, but now they were back. Back with a vengeance and he had no idea how to deal with them.

It was too much. It was just too much.

"Sir?" came Jarvis' concerned voice.

"Jarvis," Tony whispered desperately. "I can't. It's too much. It's just too much."

"Sir, just listen to my voice. The first thing we must do is calm your breathing."

"Yeah." He was practically hyperventilating. He leaned against the couch, and listened to J telling him how to breathe. Eventually the vice gripping his chest eased a bit.

"If you wish to talk, Sir, I believe there is a suitable location. Would you get in the lift?"

Tony nodded, letting Jarvis guide him. Jarvis took the elevator down to a floor Tony had never used, and guided him through a comfortably furnished living room to a nondescript brown door. With a fingerprint reader on the wall just outside of it.

"It opens with your thumbprint."

Tony pressed his thumb to the reader and the door opened. He stepped inside and the lights came up.

"I had some modifications made to this floor. I thought this could be a suitable place for us to…talk."

Tony looked around. It was an office done up in "soothing" earth tones - soft lighting, inoffensive art on the walls. It did remind him a bit of some of the shrinks' offices he'd been to. A couch, a coffee table, a desk near the window. Except.

Except for one thing. Tony stepped forward. In this middle of the room was an enormous red padded armchair. It was huge and looked like he could just sink into it. Disappear in there if he wanted to.

"This - ?" He gestured at the chair.

"I thought that might be a good seating arrangement for you. When you would like to talk to me." Tony could actually hear the fond smile in Jarvis' voice.

Jarvis had done all of this, set all this up, chose this armchair, just for him. Tony reached out and touched it. For a moment he couldn't speak.

"And if you wish there are blankets in the chest of drawers to your left."

Blankets? Yes. Good idea. He was so cold. He opened the drawer and pulled one out. Green and fuzzy and very soft. He liked it, but he found he couldn't turn off the stupid running commentary in his head. Fucking - fucking Howard's voice.

_Are you gonna crawl up under a blanket and cry like a baby?_

Fuck! For a moment he just stood there, unable to move. Would it really be better to run back upstairs and drown himself in a bottle of whiskey?

 _Would that make anything better?_ There was the rational voice. He could listen to the rational voice. But -

"Jarvis, no video in this room, ever," Tony ordered sharply.

"Of course not, Sir. This room is soundproofed and equipped with your top-of-the-line equipment to prevent any type of external or internal surveillance."

Right. Good. He knew he could trust Jarvis to protect him this way.

_So, sit down._

Ok, he would. This was his fucking tower and he would do whatever he wanted. Even if it was sitting in that chair and crying like an idiot.

Tony climbed into the chair, surrounded by the plush softness, practically being swallowed up by it. He pulled the blanket around him, feeling a bit warmer. It made the desire to rip his own skin off lessen to the point where he felt he could breathe a little.

"This chair, good job J." His hands clenched at the blanket.

"I'm glad you approve, Sir."

_Breathe. Breathe._

_"_ If you agree, I would like to set some guidelines for our interactions in this room. Here you may be free to tell me anything you wish to tell me."

"Yeah. Ok." So Jarvis really did want to be his shrink. Well, he was certainly the only one Tony would talk to about this stuff, aside from Bruce. He could never, ever, talk about this stuff to some random stranger.

"I believe it would be best if, in this room, I called you Tony. It will help you to differentiate between our interactions in here and out there."

At this point Tony would almost agree to anything if it could help. It was strange, though, to hear J call him Tony.

"What is it you wish to talk about, Tony?"

"Bruce - he doesn't know. He doesn't know what I did." _Breathe. Breathe idiot!_ "And Murphy - Murphy was there tonight, and he knows. He knows everything!"

"Terence Murphy, CEO of Dynestar?" Tony nodded. "Do I have your permission to access information on him?" Another nod.

"He was friends with Obie and they - they -" Tony shook his head. He couldn't get it out. "I know I have to tell Bruce, but it's - it's too much. I can't-"

"Let's not focus on Bruce right now. It is important to find out how you feel before we conjecture how Bruce may react."

How Tony felt? God, he felt like there was a fucking alien trying to crawl out of his guts, a vice squeezing his heart.

"Is that acceptable?" Jarvis prodded gently.

"Yeah. Yeah." Tony nodded. He finally pulled his legs up so he was completely surrounded by the chair. He wrapped his arms around himself, holding tightly. Trying not to fall apart.

"I would like to try something. Can you try to give me a word. Just one word that describes what you're feeling right now?"

Oh, wow. That was pure shrink-speak. Jarvis was learning quickly. Tony would be smiling at that if he didn't feel like puking.

"I - I -" Shit, he was curled up in this armchair, shaking like an idiot. The armchair that J bought for him. J was really stepping up here. Trying to help him. He had to try in return.

So Tony swallowed, and forced the word out, somehow.

"Afraid. I'm afraid."

* * *

Jarvis was a good listener. Somehow Tony was talking again. Telling J what he’d done. All those years ago.

When he’d first taken over the company and the press was at his heels 24-7. It felt like the whole world was just waiting for him to fail. So when Obie said they needed to do anything they could to get Murphy as a client…

"I did what Obie wanted."

"You felt you couldn't refuse him."

"I- I don't, no, I couldn't. When I tried, he - he - I wasn't a kid anymore. I wasn't, but he still-"

Jarvis just waited. Tony knew he would calmly wait forever for Tony to speak.

"When I took over the company, he pretended to the press, to everyone, that he was happy about it. But in private he – that night we celebrated, went out, drank a lot."

And somehow they ended up at Obie's place.

_They were on the couch, drinking. Obie kept filling up Tony's glass, as usual. Tony still riding the high of the press conference, of officially taking the helm of Stark Industries. He'd let his guard down._

_Obie hadn't tried anything in years, but then, without warning, a large hand was at the back of Tony's neck and the other on his thigh._

_Obie's breath hot against his neck. "You just screwed me over today, my boy. I think you owe me something."_

"I said no," Tony told J. "I tried to fight him, but -" Tony remember this part too clearly.

_Being pushed back against the wall, his head hitting it with a thunk. Trying to put up his hands to protect himself, but Obie's forearm pressing hard against his throat, cutting off almost all his air. He grabbed at Obie's arm, trying to move it, but it was no use._

_"You don't tell me what to do, boy," came Obie's angry voice. "You belong to me!"_

_Obie towering over him, pressing Tony against the wall._

"…he forced me…he forced me to-" Tony groaned as if he were in physical pain. _He remembered his knees hitting the carpet. Obie's hand at his throat. Then at the back of his head, pulling at his hair. Those  hands always reeking of cigar smoke…_

"I'd never seen him so angry. So violent. I didn't know if I was gonna - what he would do." He'd been so scared. He'd tried to be good so Obie wouldn't…wouldn't…

Thankfully, J finished the thought for him. "You were afraid for your life. Based on your past experience, you were afraid of him. legitimately, logically afraid for your own safety. You acted as anyone would."

"I - I don't - " He didn't know. He really didn't.

Jarvis didn't seem to mind the long pauses, the breaks Tony had to take just to breathe. He somehow managed to keep going, keep talking.

He'd been afraid of screwing up. Screwing up everything his father had worked for. And afraid of Obie.

So when Obie told him that their usual enticements wouldn't on Murphy, that Murphy had _other tastes…_

"I did what he wanted. I let him. I did. Oh God-"

Shit, he was fucking crying again. Tony furiously wiped his eyes. But Jarvis was there, soothing and calm.

"That was very good, Tony. Very very good that you are able to tell me these things. Right now just take deep breaths."

Tony tried. He could do this. In this room, he could talk to Jarvis. He was safe with Jarvis, he was.

* * *

Tony padded into the communal kitchen, hoping to steal some of Steve's coffee. He must have slept a bit, but it didn't feel like it. He stepped into the room and saw the team sitting around a screen, watching a video.

Their voices were low and shocked, murmuring to each other. Tony took a step forward and looked at the screen.

It was him. Him. Young, in his early twenties, and he was…Tony felt the vice tighten in his chest.

_He was with Murphy._

And everyone could see.  Tony was frozen, couldn't move, couldn't speak. He heard Steve's voice.

 "Did you know he did this?"

"No, no I didn't." That was Bruce, answering Steve. Tony looked to his left and saw Bruce staring at him, his face full of disgust.

"No. I had no idea he was such a slut."

Tony stumbled backwards. They were all looking at him now, but Bruce's face, that was the worst. Disgust. Anger. And even-

Tony startled awake with a shout. He was still in the red armchair, curled up in a ball, and Jarvis was speaking, trying to calm him.

"-a dream. You are safe right now. Safe. It is 5:43 a.m. on Saturday, November 30, 2013. The weather in Manhattan is currently…."

Jarvis continued his morning greeting. It usually worked to calm Tony a bit but not right now. He stumbled to his feet, throwing the blanket aside.

"J, ready the suit. I need to get outta here. I need a break." He walked out of the room to the elevator, trying, trying so hard to breathe and shake off the nightmare.

"Of course, Sir."

He and Jarvis had decided that Tony had to tell Bruce, of course he did. If Bruce ran into Murphy not knowing the full story, Hulk could go crazy. Even Bruce himself could go crazy. Tony didn't know what to do.

But he knew that right now he couldn't deal with it. Especially after that dream. He needed - he needed to fly. Just fly away for a while.

He walked out of the elevator on the penthouse floor, heading to the assembly platform. Bruce came out of the bedroom as he was almost to the platform.

"Tony, what-?" Those eyes. Those kind eyes, so worried, so concerned. Tony couldn't see them change to hate and disgust.

"I - I have to tell you, I know I do, Jarvis said too, but I can't. Right now I can't. I have to fly-" He put up his hands, backing away from Bruce.

Tony didn't know if he actually sprinted out to the platform, but as he felt the pieces of the suit slot together around him, and felt the boost of accelerating up into the sky, everything falling away, him becoming Iron Man and getting rid of Tony Stark for a moment, he almost felt safe.

Almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fluffly blankets are dedicated to [blewoutthestars](http://archiveofourown.org/users/blewoutthestars/pseuds/blewoutthestars)


	24. Good Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's day turns out completely different than he expected...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter now has amazing [art](http://ganetart.tumblr.com/post/150260268782/commission-for-trammelsb-a-beach-scene-from-her)!!!

****

Tony was flying. No, Iron Man was flying, in control of everything. Tony was out. Tony was not there.

"Sir, Bruce is hailing."

"I - I can't - " Tony zigzagged between two buildings, heading for the open air, over the water. "Tell him I'm ok. I'm fine. But don't put him through. Don't."

"As you wish, Sir, but are you certain?"

 "Yes, dammit! Just tell him I'm ok." He couldn't hear Bruce's voice right now, he would fall apart. He would. He just had to keep flying. He couldn't think about that stuff.

In the penthouse, Bruce was fighting hard to listen to Jarvis' voice, and not the fear threatening to overwhelm him and trigger the Other Guy.

"Sir is fine, he said to tell you he is fine, but he would not open the comms."

"I - oh." _Deep breaths. Tony is ok._ "Do you know what happened?" Bruce sat heavily on the couch, just trying to breathe.

"I am sorry, Bruce, I am unable to tell you. Sir discussed some things in confidence with me last night. We talked for several hours."

Ok. Ok. Maybe Tony just needed a break from all of this. Bruce could understand that. But he couldn't leave him alone, even though he knew Jarvis was with him. The Other Guy was too worried. The growling in the back of Bruce's head was growing louder.

"Jarvis, please, can you wake Rhodey? Do you think I should send Rhodey after him?"

"I think that would not be an unwise course of action."

Bruce waited and Rhodey rushed into the penthouse just about 5 minutes later, still pulling on a sweatshirt and buttoning his jeans.

"I'm sorry," Bruce immediately said. "I really am, but I don't know what happened. He just flew off. I don't know what happened at the gala, but something did. He seemed - terrified. He won't talk. I just - "

Rhodey strode through the room, over to Bruce. "Jarvis, please get War Machine ready to suit up."

"Of course Lt. Colonel Rhodes."

Rhodey looked down at Bruce, and Bruce saw his own worry reflected there.

" I'll go get him. I got him, ok?" Bruce nodded. "You gonna be ok here? Not gonna - go green?"

"I- I-" He was anything but calm. He really didn't know.

* * *

Tony was flying over the water, and the feeling of freedom was starting to calm him a bit.

"Sir, I feel I must warn you that War Machine will reach you in approximately 4 minutes."

"Crap. You traitor. You called in the cavalry?"

"No, Sir, Bruce did. He is concerned about you." Tony could hear the judgment in Jarvis' voice. Damn. Ok, he would try to play nice.

"Thank you for the warning." But Tony sped up, just a bit.

War Machine flew up alongside him and he let Jarvis open comms.

"Hey Tones. What's going on?"

"Rhodey," Tony sighed, "I appreciate the concern and all, but I don't wanna _talk_ right now."

"Who said anything about talking, man. I came to hang out with you. We never fly together anymore. You're always with your superhero friends. "

He felt Rhodey treading carefully, but not pushing. Using a teasing tone. So he tried too. "Well, you know, you have an open invitation to join the boy band whenever you want."

"I might have to take you up on that, just to keep an eye on you," Rhodey chuckled.

"Let's see if you can still keep up." Tony took off, thrusters on full, trying to leave Rhodey in the dust.

* * *

Clint handed Bruce a hot cup of tea and sat on the couch next to him. Natasha was to Bruce's right, working on a holographic screen.

Rhodey had refused to go after Tony unless Bruce woke the two superspies to keep him company. Steve, it seemed, was spending the night elsewhere.

Bruce held tightly to the mug, feeling the warmth seep into him a bit.

"Here it is," Natasha said. She'd pulled up a photo of a man Bruce had seen Tony talking to the night before. "This guy. Terrence Murphy. CEO of Dynestar. Was a client of S.I. in the past. I noticed, when Tony was talking to him, something wasn't right."

Bruce felt a tremor run through him, and the voice in the back of his head, _Bad man?_

"I'm going to start running searches on him, so we can get all the intel there is. You ok with that?" She asked Bruce.

"I think I'll wait till Tony comes back to look at any information you might find, but yeah, I think we should do it."

She nodded, her fingers moving over the screen again.

"So, Doc," Clint said, "You wanna maybe show me how that yoga crap works?"

Bruce raised his eyebrow at that.

"What? Think I can't keep up? I'm pretty flexible." Bruce heard a snort from Natasha at that, but just nodded.

"Ok. That could be an interesting idea. We can get changed and go down to the yoga studio." Bruce wasn't stupid. The yoga studio that was one floor up from the Hulk's containment cell. But he didn't feel any fear from Clint or Natasha. Not anymore.

Just concern. Friendship.

That didn't mean he wouldn't try to show Clint the hardest yoga positions he knew.

* * *

After flying for several hours, feeling his anxiety fade a bit with the speed and the rush, and Rhodey's joking around, just a bit of what passed for normalcy in his life, Rhodey asked Tony where they were going and Tony thought of the beach.

They touched down at Miami beach, stepping out of their suits into a warm, sunny day. Tony didn't venture into the water anymore, but he liked watching the waves, preferably from a bar with a drink in hand.

But as he was about to lead Rhodey to the nearest watering hole that might be open at 9 am, he heard a kid's excited voice.

"Look, Mommy! It's Iron Man!" A little girl with long curly hair ran up to them, trailed by her nervous mother.

"What are you doing here?" the kid asked. "Are there bad guys around?"

Rhodey looked at Tony, then smiled. "Nope. We're on vacation today."

Tony smiled down at the little girl. Kids were great, but he didn't think he was in the right mood to deal with them today.

"Hm, you know what?" Rhodey said to the girl. "I challenged Iron Man here, told him there's no way he can make a sand castle as good as I can. Maybe if you guys help him, he might be able to. What do you think?"

"Yeah!" the girl smiled. "Can my friends help too?"

"Sure," Tony finally found his voice. "We'll get two teams together." He looked at Rhodey. "Don't think for a minute you're gonna win though."

Rhodey just smiled back.

* * *

Bruce put Clint through a few hours of yoga, and the archer was not bad at all, it turned out. Bruce shouldn't be surprised, given all the places Clint was able to perch in battles and, generally, his ability to crawl through vents and fit himself into unlikely places when playing practical jokes on the others throughout the tower.

They'd finished and were sitting on the floor of the yoga studio, drinking water. The Other Guy had calmed a bit, at least enough that Bruce could think. Could breathe.

"Thanks Doc. That was interesting."

"Yeah," Bruce ran his hand through his sweaty curls. Maybe a hot shower, that might help him keep calm too.

"So, those SHIELD doctors, shrinks really, they tell me I should try meditation. Do you do that stuff too?" Clint asked.

"Sometimes. I've tried a lot of things for my - problem."

"Well, I think meditation sucks. Tried it, and it just made me want to punch somebody. Like when the shrinks ask me how I'm "feeling." Just makes me wanna punch them in the face. Do you get that?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I get that. I really do."

"This wasn't too bad, though. Why don't we shower then get breakfast? I'll beg Nat to make a run, maybe some bagels?"

"Sound good." Bruce watched Clint get up and leave the room, but stayed seated where he was. He couldn't do anything until he knew where Tony was, even if Tony would be pissed at him.

"Jarvis? What's Tony doing?"

A screen immediately came to life on the wall, with a Florida newscaster standing on a beach. She was talking but Bruce didn't pay attention. Behind her, Tony and Rhodey were surrounded by kids and were….building sand castles?

"What the--"

Jarvis zoomed in on Tony's face. He was completely involved in his building, but he was smiling. He was joking with the kids.

He was ok.

* * *

Tony was kneeling in the sand, concentrating on putting the finishing touches on a working drawbridge, and didn't notice the kid coming up behind him until he heard Rhodey's voice. "No, hey, that's cheating," calm and joking. Tony turned and found Rhodey standing between him and a bigger kid holding a bucket of water-

and it looked like he'd been planning on dumping it over Tony's head.

_Oh shit._

Caught, the kid just threw the water at Rhodey; Tony felt some of the splash as it hit Rhodey in the face. He didn't flinch, he really didn't.

_You are not going to freak out in front of a bunch of kids. OK?_

He heard Rhodey laughing, and watched him chase the kid down the beach for a while.

Finally, Tony twisted to his left and noticed a little boy watching him. He had dark skin and a big smile. Maybe 3 or 4 years old? Tony didn't know this stuff.

The boy kind of toddled forward, and Tony realized that the kid was staring at the reactor, which was shining through Tony's tank top. Tony swallowed and kind of froze. He forced himself to smile a warm smile.

"Hey, what's your name?"

"Julio." The boy kept staring. If it had been an adult Tony would probably have punched him already. But it was a kid. Kids were curious. Kids were supposed to be curious.

The boy was right in front of Tony now, and he reached out his small hand and placed it directly on the reactor. Tony didn't move, didn't really breathe. He felt the slightest pressure from those tiny fingers and watched the blue light from the reactor reflecting in the boy's eyes.

"So pretty," Julio said.

Tony let out a sharp breath, smiling widely.

"Yeah. It is, isn't it."

A young man who had to be the boy's father ran up to them.

"God, Mr. Stark, I'm so sorry. He shouldn't be bothering you."

Tony waved his hand at the guy. "No, no. It's no problem. Your son appreciates good engineering."

Julio turned and smiled at his dad. "It's blue." The dad's eyes moved to the reactor a second, then away.

"Yeah, it is."

"Why don't you and Julio help with the moat?" Tony asked the man.

"Can I daddy?"

"Sure." The father still seemed shocked to be in Tony's presence, but he helped his son as Tony showed them where to dig. Tony then moved on to help Kristin, who was in charge of the right tower, and who Tony was sure was gonna make a great engineer one day.

It wasn't exactly how he had planned to spend the day, but it kept him from thinking, and it was fun.

The day at the beach ended up turning into a kind of party. News vans showed up, as well as lots more kids. Tony paid for lunch for everyone there from a couple of food trucks, and then they set up a jury of kids to judge the winner.

Tony's team won by one vote.

Eventually, though, they had to head back. Tony was quiet on the way back to New York, though Rhodey kept trying to joke and keep his spirits up. He'd put things off all day and now he had to face them, face Bruce.

_Would this be it? Would Bruce leave, knowing what he had done?_

* * *

They finally landed on the disassembly platform, and when they were out of their suits and reached the door into the penthouse, Rhodey turned to Tony a moment. "I'll be on my floor if you need me." Even though Rhodey hadn't joined the team yet, Tony made sure he had his own floor and everything he wanted in the tower.

Rhodey gave him a quick hug, then quickly disappeared, leaving Tony standing in the doorway, watching Bruce as he walked into the middle of the room.

Tony tried to meet Bruce's eyes, but he felt like the moment he stepped foot in there, everything was going to come crashing back on him. Drowning him.

Bruce looked at him, all kinds of questions on his face.

"I can't - I can't stand this," Tony said. Bruce looked confused. "I mean, this - you looking at me like this - so concerned and so fucking understanding, when you don't know. You don't know-"

Tony shook his head, looking ready to bolt again. _Shit_ , he'd rather push Bruce away than accept help? Well, if he didn't want coddling, Bruce wouldn't coddle him.

"Dammit, Tony! Ok, you don't want to be treated like you're fragile so I'm not gonna do that. So shut up, get your ass in here and sit down!"

"I - what?" Who was this person? Bruce was angry and not turning green?

"Get. In. Here." Bruce was almost growling, but purposefully. Tony stared at him a moment, silent, and then stepped into the room. He walked over and sat down on the sofa, in front of where Bruce was standing.

"You wanna play I'm too fucked up to let anybody get close to me, you know I'm an expert at that game. But _you_ did it. You made me let you in. And that means you're never gonna get rid of me now. Never."

Tony just stared at Bruce. He couldn't process everything that had happened in the last day - he felt like he was going to literally fall into pieces.  "I'm sorry," He managed.

"I know you are. I know that. But you can't do this! You can't just run off like that. And I'm sorry because this feels like blackmail but you have to help me control the Other Guy. You have to!  He - I can't have him destroy the city trying to find you and make sure you're ok."

Tony could hear the pain and guilt in Bruce's voice. And he'd caused that. Shit.

"I know. I am sorry. I couldn't - I just couldn't talk right then."

"Ok, but next time, at least tell me you're ok. Tell me directly. Please."

Tony nodded. "I am sorry. I know you're pissed at me, but can we just - I don't know - " He felt that whiny five-year old crying out inside him, wanting to be held and told that everything was ok. But that five-year old was stupid.

Nothing was _ever_ ok.

Bruce sighed and stepped closer to Tony, some of the tension easing out of his shoulders. "Do you think you could eat?" He asked gently. "I could make us some dinner. We can talk after."

Tony nodded at that. He was afraid to open his mouth again right now, afraid of what needy crap would come out of it. But Bruce seemed to understand. He sat down next to Tony, pulling Tony close and wrapping his arms around him.

"Come here, idiot."

With Bruce's arms around him Tony felt like he might - just might - not break into a million pieces.

* * *

Tony knew Bruce found cooking relaxing - god knows how, but he did. So he was content to let Bruce cook and just sit on the couch with a glass of water.

He managed to eat - pasta carbonara, another of his favorites - and wash it down with a few beers. Bruce asked him about the beach and the kids, and showed him the news footage of Iron Man's sand castle contest.

Then they went back to the couch, and Tony stared at his hands for a while, before forcing himself to speak.

"So, yeah, I have to - there's something you have to know. You told me you have to know about this stuff. I think this is something you have to know. Jarvis agrees."

Bruce swallowed. doing his hunching thing. His disappearing into the furniture - not a threat - thing. Probably trying to help calm Tony down.

"The reason I freaked out last night. There was somebody at the gala. He used to be a client." Tony clenched his fists, digging his fingernails into his skin again.

"Natasha told me you had some problem with a guy, but I didn't know what."

"You don't know - the things I've done. You don't know."

"I've told you. I don't have to know." Bruce placed his hand over Tony's. "If you don't want to tell me."

"This is - yeah, you do. If I run into him again…" He shook his head. God, he felt like he was gonna puke again. "Jarvis-" he pleaded, not knowing what he was pleading for.

"Terrence Murphy. He owns Dynestar, a defense contractor… and was a customer of SI for 15 years, from 1993 to 2008. He was also a close associate of Obadiah Stane." Jarvis offered.

Bruce's hand covered Tony's, holding tightly. Tony wasn't sure if either of them were actually breathing.

"So, he was - you know, I didn't exactly care so much about always being honest back then. With clients, there were people that wanted bribes, or other benefits like that. For signing contracts."

"Ok." Bruce just kept taking deep breaths, trying to keep himself and Tony calm.

"But - God- " Tony's eyes were far off now. "You know there were - other things that I did. _He_ taught me that - I mean, there were people that wanted me for my money, for my brain, and then, there would be people who would want me for other reasons."

Bruce wanted to grab Tony and hold him tight, to calm the frantic feelings  in the back of his head - _Shellhead scared!,_ but he didn't want to interrupt Tony's words, now that he was talking.

"There were contracts I won with bribes that didn't involve money. And, um, Terrence Murphy was one of them." Bruce could hear the fear in Tony's voice, see it in his eyes, even though he was staring down at the floor.

Bruce took another deep breath and tried to quiet the angry rumbling in the back of his head. _Tinman needs me right now. Me!_

"This guy. Did he - force you?" Bruce asked carefully. He didn't know what words to use. He didn't know what words Tony was ready to hear. Ready to say.

"It wasn't like that, not really. It was - I - I didn't say no to him. Obie made it clear that we needed that contract and so, so I - I got drunk enough and let him do what he wanted. No, fuck. More than that. I did everything Obie wanted." Tony swallowed slowly. "More than once."

Bruce couldn't stand it anymore. He grabbed Tony and pulled him close, holding him tight. "Ok. Ok. It's ok."

"How is it ok? It's not!" came Tony's anguished, angry voice.

"But Tony-"

Tony pulled harshly away from Bruce's arms and jumped up from the couch. "No! No! Don't say it's ok. It's not ok! It's not fucking ok!" He was shouting now, looking ready to attack, but there was no one to attack.

Bruce just stared at him, having no idea what to do.

"It's disgusting. I'm-" Tony looked down at his arm; he still had the wristbands for the suit on. He looked up as a gauntlet flew through the air and seamlessly took shape around his right arm. He didn't even realize he had summoned it.

He stared down at the gauntlet. It was beautiful. It was perfect. If only he could disappear into the suit, become Iron Man forever and leave Tony behind.

Iron Man was good. Iron Man wasn't this pathetic, disgusting -

_-look at you, you slut, you love this -_

"Tony?" It was Bruce's voice, soft and calming. Somehow Bruce was standing next to him, his hand on Tony's left arm. "You don't need the suit right now. You don't need it."

"I do. I need it. I --" Tony looked up at Bruce, his eyes so lost and desperate that Bruce could hardly breathe.

"Sir, I have all your suits primed and ready for deployment at a moment's notice. At the slightest sign of danger you will have the suit. You do not need it at this moment. Trust me."

He had to try to trust Jarvis. He had to. But he needed-

"Jarvis?" Bruce asked, and Tony watched in shock as Jarvis retracted the gauntlet without Tony's orders, leaving Tony's hand bare. Leaving Tony defenseless.

"No, no no. I need-" His brain was fuzzy and his head hurt, and he was tired. So tired. He felt pain in his left arm, then Bruce was grabbing his right wrist, stopping him from gouging deep scratches in his own skin.

"I'm here." Bruce put his arm around Tony, grounding him a bit. "The Other Guy is here. Jarvis is here. Rhodey's right downstairs. We've got you. We've got you."

Tony let Bruce lead him back to the couch to sit down again. Bruce was touching him, not turning away from him in disgust.

"Breathe, Tony," Bruce whispered. "Please breathe for me."

Tony tried. He was taking desperate gulps of air.

Bruce took Tony's face gently in his hands, staring into his eyes, not letting Tony turn away.

"Listen to me. Listen. Nothing you've told me changes how I feel about you. Nothing."

"But it's - it's disgusting. I'm disgusting. I don't know how you can even - I wasn't a kid then. I wasn't!" Tony couldn't believe Bruce was still here, even after hearing all of this. He just couldn't.

"I don't think it works like that. I think where _he_ was involved, you were always a kid. I mean, think about it. Did you really feel you could say no to anything when he was involved?"

Jarvis had asked similar questions, and Tony hadn't had an answer for him either. He didn't know how to answer that. He didn't know what to think. He rested his head on Bruce's shoulder, feeling some of the tension leave him. Just a bit.

"I need - I need you." He said it like it was something shameful. _Oh, Tony…_

"I know," Bruce smiled, trying for light-hearted.

He got a small, tentative laugh from Tony. But it was there.

"Did you just Han-Solo me?"

"Maybe."

Tony threw his arms around Bruce, holding on tightly. Just holding on. He wasn't gonna let go ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Italians say that what you do on the first day of the year, you'll do all year. So, I wrote a lot today...
> 
> Oh, I bastardized a line of Happy's from IM3 and put it in Rhodey's mouth.  
> RDJ says if he could eat whatever he wanted, he would put pasta carbonara on a pizza and eat that. He is not wrong... ;)


	25. Good Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm gonna talk to you like you're not a genius for a minute. Try not to get too pissed off." Bruce gave him that half-smile, but his eyes were serious. "It's just that there are things you might not know. And it's ok if you don't know them. But I want to tell you so I'm sure you know them."

Bruce's hands were on him. Touching him. Holding him close. Tony still couldn't believe it. He didn't know what to think.

He didn't know how long they sat there on the couch in silence, Bruce holding on to him. He leaned into Bruce finally and whispered,

"I'm so…tired."

"I know," came Bruce's answer, his hand gently stroking Tony' hair. "Let's not sleep on the couch again, ok? I think we should clean you up and go to bed." He ran his hand through Tony's hair. "You're full of sand."

Tony didn't speak, just let Bruce lead him to the bathroom. Tony leaned against the marble counter while Bruce turned on the shower - setting all the controls - water temperature and intensity of flow and who knew what else, of course Tony Stark couldn't have a shower that you just turned on and off.

Bruce turned back to Tony, who had retreated into silence, his eyes weary and pained. Bruce knew that more words wouldn't really help right then. He undressed quickly and turned to Tony, taking a hold of the hem of Tony's sweatshirt, the question in his eyes.

Tony nodded and lifted his arms, letting Bruce undress him. Bruce put Tony's clothes in the laundry shoot and then, keeping his hand gently on Tony's back, guided him into the shower.

Tony wrapped himself around Bruce, resting his head in the crook of Bruce's neck. He felt Bruce's hands stroking his back, the warm water soothing.

The engineer clung on, his mind a grey haze and small tremors running through his body. He focused on the only thing he could understand right now. Bruce was touching him. Not horrified; not running away; not - Tony's hands clenched on Bruce's shoulders, digging into his skin.

"Hey, hey" Bruce whispered gently. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." Tony forced himself to let up, to stop hurting Bruce, but he kept holding on.

Once he felt Tony relax a bit, Bruce soaped them both up and washed Tony's hair as gently as he could, careful not to get the spray of water on his face. He rinsed them both off, then guided Tony out of the shower and sat him on the bench in the middle of the bathroom.

Tony sat still, too tired to move. He just let Bruce do everything - dry him off with a heated towel and dress him in warm sweats, Bruce moving Tony's limbs as if he were a child.

Bruce kept touching him so gently, as if he were something precious. Important.

Then they were finally in bed, Tony curled up against Bruce, Bruce's hand rubbing his back. Tony fisted his hand in Bruce's t-shirt. He couldn't stop himself from acting crazy. He couldn't make himself let go.

Bruce's other hand tangled in Tony's hair. Tony was wrapped in Bruce, hearing the other man's heartbeat under his ear. He couldn't control the voice in his head, telling him that he didn't deserve this, this gentleness, this love. But he couldn't live without it now.

"I wanna…thank you, Tony. For trusting me with all this stuff. I don't know, but I can imagine how hard it is."

Tony made a sound at that, something between a surprised huff and a moan. Bruce was _thanking_ him for dumping all this shit on him?

"You were so - it was - so good that you used the safeword when, uh, when. And you let me help you. That's really good."

Tony forced himself to speak. "I trust you."

"I know. I know." Bruce's fingers stroked through Tony's hair in a soothing rhythm. "You trusted me from the beginning. You don't know how important that was."

Tony grunted against Bruce's chest. He did know. He'd seen how people treated Bruce,  and from the moment they met, promised himself he would not allow it.

"I'm not - you gotta know, you have to, that-" Tony heard Bruce's voice catch. "I'm never gonna be upset with you because other people hurt you. Never." It didn't seem possible but Bruce pulled Tony even closer. "The Other Guy wants to smash, because he wants to protect you. But I'm so glad you trust me. I'm glad."

Tony wanted to say a lot of things to that, but he was starting to feel warm and the fuzziness of confusion was actually seemed to be turning into a comfortable fuzziness…

* * *

As Bruce felt himself waking, he automatically reached out in search of Tony. He found Tony's arm, and on opening his eyes, he saw Tony curled up beside him, still asleep, wrapped around his own pillow like it was a lifesaver. He was breathing evenly, though, sleeping calmly.

For a while, Bruce just sat and watched him, cataloging the dark circles under Tony's eyes, the deep scratches on the inside of his forearm.

"Jarvis?" Bruce whispered. He didn't want to wake Tony, he just needed to hear another voice right now.

"Good morning, Bruce," Jarvis spoke softly. "I see both you and Sir managed to sleep almost a full night."

"Yeah. I don't know how, but yeah. That's good."

"A more regular sleep schedule can have a positive effect on anxiety levels." Jarvis provided.

"Yeah. Let's hope so."

Tony heard Bruce and J talking, their voices soft and calm. He realized he was waking slowly, not jolting awake from a nightmare. It was a strange feeling.

He opened his eyes to see Bruce smiling at him. "Hey," Tony said, his voice groggy with sleep.

"Hey. You slept ok I think. I was starting to get jealous of that pillow there," Bruce joked.

Tony picked up the offending pillow and bopped Bruce on the head with it, earning a chuckle. The engineer sat up and stretched, giving Bruce a long look.

"I did sleep ok. Cuz of you. Uh, I don't know how - how are you so good at this? All this stuff?"

"I don't know that I am. But I think about, about what I'd need from you if some of my - stuff - came up. And I just try to do that."

They shared a look at that, and it was like that night in Tony's workshop - piercing understanding from Bruce.

"Well, it's good. It's good, what you're doing."

"I hope so." Bruce reached out and took Tony's hand, squeezing hard. "I know you keep thinking that this stuff is gonna drive me away, but it's not. It's not."

Tony nodded but Bruce could see the doubt in his eyes.

"You have to stop thinking that you're the "bad" one and I'm some sort of saint, ok?" Bruce sat up a bit, staring down at the bed, not meeting Tony's eyes.

 "You wanna know why I stayed? After the invasion? I was being selfish. I just wanted to be around you. You." Bruce seemed to gather his courage to continue. "Tony, after, the aliens, I wouldn't have stayed even five minutes if it weren't for you. I was so scared, I didn't care about the Avengers, I actually didn't care about saving the world if it meant using the Other Guy. I almost even didn't care about _working_ with you."

He raised his eyes and Tony was floored by the stark honesty he saw there. "I mean, I loved working with you. But I realized I just wanted to be around you. I had been controlling the other guy pretty well for a long time. But I didn't feel human. You - you made me feel human again."

"You are human. You're more human than most people I know." Bruce saw Tony's unwavering faith in those eyes. The faith that had been there since the moment they met.

"And - people think I have two sides. The Other Guy - he's the dark side, right? The angry side. The "bad" side. So I have to be the "good" side. The calm, contained side. The - Jarvis, what is it the internet calls Steve?"

"A precious cinnamon roll, too good for this world," Jarvis supplied. Tony burst out laughing.

"Yeah. That. I'm not that. And you don't expect that of me. You let me be me."

Tony huffed at that. "Of course I do. You don't expect me to always be an asshole - unlike what the world expects of me. And if you were too much of a saint  I would get really sick of you." He winked, then leaned in and kissed Bruce gently.

"So, I get that you've probably talked more than you ever wanted to, but there's something else I have to say. After what you told me yesterday, I think I have to tell you this. It's important."

Tony nodded slowly, carefully. He held back the automatic babbling he felt threatening to come out of his mouth, to drown out serious talk, to run away from all of this.

"I'm gonna talk to you like you're not a genius for a minute. Try not to get too pissed off." Bruce gave him that half-smile, but his eyes were serious. "It's just that there are things you might not know. And it's ok if you don't know them. But I want to tell you so I'm sure you know them."

Tony didn't exactly understand what Bruce was trying to get at. The man was treading so carefully it was actually annoying.

"Ok. Yeah, ok. You can-" Tony gestured for Bruce to go on.

"You know about consent, right? I mean, you can always tell me to stop. Any time. And you don't ever owe me anything. Sexually. Ever."

"I - I'm not some … sorority girl or something," Tony sputtered. Bruce held up his hand to stop him.

"Just think about it. I have to - I just want you to think about something." Bruce squeezed Tony's hand again, his voice soft, gentle. "Did you, with me, have you ever had sex when you didn't want to? You don't have to answer me now, just think about it."

Tony was ready to blurt out - of course not.

_He hadn't, right?_

But Bruce's face was so open, so real, that Tony stopped himself and forced himself to think about it.

Bruce could see confusion and realization on Tony's face, and the millions of wheels turning in his brain, searching.

"I - uh - I don't-" He took a gulp of air and Bruce could see the panic threatening to return.

"No no no no. It's ok. It's ok. Just think about it, ok?"

Tony's mind was reeling and he felt he couldn't really put two thoughts together, so he just nodded.

"Whatever we've done before, that doesn't mean that I assume you always want to do that. You know I have my "bad" days when I can't - I can't. And it's ok that you do too."

Tony squeezed Bruce's hand back. Before he could figure out what to say to that, they were interrupted by Jarvis.

"Sir, sorry to interrupt, but Lt. Colonel Rhodes is asking if you two would come to his floor in half an hour. He has ordered breakfast."

"We'll be there," Tony said quickly.

Bruce smiled. "Ok. You're saved. No more talking for now."

Tony gave him a quick kiss and then practically ran for the shower.

*  * *

Rhodey went all out, ordering a real feast for breakfast - waffles, muffins and breakfast burritos. Tony kinda felt like he was being babysat, but he didn't complain; he would never turn down food, after all. And it was their last meal with Rhodey before he left.

Tony did notice that Bruce seemed more at ease with Rhodey than in the past. Were they bonding over Tony losing his mind? Well, it wasn't the worst thing in the world, Tony thought as he poured a river of syrup over his waffles.

They ate and then, in too short a time, Rhodey's car had arrived and Tony was saying goodbye. Bruce had made himself scarce to give them privacy.

"Hey, so, I'll see you at Christmas. Try not to get into too much trouble until then, huh?"

"I can't promise anything," Tony laughed. Rhodey grabbed him up in a tight hug, then pulled back. From the look on his face, Tony felt a lecture coming on.

"And … you know, don't go back to doing your lone cowboy thing, huh? You got a good thing here. Really good. With him. With all of them. It's good."

"Yeah," Tony shrugged. "It's working, somehow."

"You're why it's working, stupid. Really. So, you know where to find me. Don't lose my number."

"I won't." Tony gave him a smile. "I won't."

After Rhodey left, Tony went down to his workshop. He had a long day ahead of him, even though it was Sunday. This meltdown of his was affecting his work; he was more behind than usual. Jarvis informed him he had 200 emails he hadn't dealt with, and he had to finish the prototype for the Japanese for his trip on Wednesday.

He was just starting to read through his emails, when Natasha strode into the workshop and hopped up on the table next to where he was working. Tony turned his head and looked at her. She was wearing jeans and one of Clint's hoodies, relaxed, but her eyes were wary.

"Can I help you?" He made sure to ask as sarcastically as possible.

She placed a pen drive on the table in front of him. He picked it up and looked at it, suddenly feeling wary himself.

"What is this?"

"I wanna be clear; nobody's going behind your back. This is all the intel I could find on Terrence Murphy. I told Bruce I would look into it and I did. I left no traces."

Tony opened his mouth, not sure what he was gonna say, but sure it was gonna be an angry rant. Natasha saw that and cut him off.

"It was clear at the gala that something was wrong when you were talking to him. To a normal person it just looked like you don't like the man, but I see everything. "

"I- I don't want, this isn't - this isn't team business," Tony said carefully.

"I know. Doesn't mean we're not gonna have your back. No matter what you have to go up against." Tony knew that what she was saying was true, but it was hard to believe. Hard to trust.

Natasha's face softened infinitesimally. "I'm on your side, Shellhead," she said softly.

Tony took a deep breath, looking down at the pen drive again. "Ok. Ok, just-"

"I haven't looked at the intel. I just gathered it. I'll leave the rest up to you."

"Thanks," Tony forced himself to say. He looked back up at her and nodded.

She hopped off the table. "I'll leave you to it then." She started for the door, then turned back. "Listen, I've tried to give up certain things in the last few years, but if you really need somebody to disappear without a trace, I'm excellent at that."

She was gone before Tony could wonder whether she was joking or not.

"Sir." Jarvis said, not a question. Just reminding Tony he was there. Tony let out a breath.

"J…Murphy, I told you, he knows a lot of things. He knows."

"I believe it is highly unlikely he would share any of his knowledge, as it would destroy his own reputation as well. Sir, may I make a suggestion?"

"Yeah. Yeah." Tony nodded. He was just standing there staring at the pen drive. He realized didn't want to know what was on it. He didn't.

"If you wish, I could process the intel and continue my own searches. I would let you know if I find anything suspicious or important for you to know."

Tony knew he would have to face this stuff sooner or later. But right now he was voting for later. It was best to leave this in Jarvis' hands, because he really didn't have any more time to freak out right now. He couldn't.

"I think that's a good idea, J. I don't have time for this shit right now." He turned and stuck the pen drive into the nearest hub, then turned back to his work, trying to push all this stuff from his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's still January - I met my goal of 2 chapters this month!
> 
> Absolutely NO Offense to sorority girls intended. I was a sorority girl.
> 
> And, I know, Bruce IS a precious cinammon roll, too good for this world. He's the one that doesn't think so :(


	26. Good Patient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jarvis had missed him, Tony knew that. But Jarvis had…mourned him? The fact that Jarvis had basically spied on him seemed like something he should be angry about, but strangely it made him feel warm inside. Protected.  
> J was always looking out for him, even when he didn't know it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, let me know if there are mistakes. Not beta'd

For the umpteenth time in the last hour, Bruce had to put his Starkpad down for a moment and just breathe. He was sitting at the kitchen island on his floor, nursing a tea, wearing one of Tony's old MIT sweatshirts, just to feel him close now that Tony had left on his business trip that afternoon.

They'd both spent the last few days working; Bruce had several projects on the go with S.I., and, as he had already used the Bruce Edwards name in his work there, showing his face more fell in line with keeping his cover secure.

Bruce had come back to his floor around 8, eaten quickly and then, seeing that he was alone, took the chance to do some research of his own. In the past few days, there had been no news about Murphy from Jarvis, but that didn't mean they could relax. And Bruce definitely needed to know more, about all of this, if he wanted to keep helping Tony.

Tony kept saying that Bruce was doing everything right, but Bruce felt completely lost in all of this. He had seen a lot of horrific things in his travels, children basically sold into marriage, abused in all kinds of ways, especially in poorer countries. He had tried to help where he could, but there was so so much evil in the world.

He knew these things happened just as much in rich countries, it was just better hidden. And Tony's situation showed that money and status didn't necessarily protect kids from it. If anything, it protected the abusers, because they created such a good public image for themselves. And people didn't want to look beyond that.

So Bruce was trying to look beyond the façade, doing what he knew, researching. But what he was reading was horrifying.

And Bruce realized that he was not living up to his reputation as a genius if it took him this long to finally make the connections that he was making. About Murphy.

Bruce knew what Jarvis was searching for, knew what he had to ask him. But it was so hard. One thing he was learning from his reading, though, was that a lot of these abusers got away with it because people didn't talk about it. Refused to think about it. Refused to see it.

He couldn't be one of those people.

"Jarvis, am I right that, what we're looking for about Murphy is - is-" He closed his eyes and pressed his fist to his forehead. God, this was so hard. He couldn't even talk about this, but he had to, at least with Jarvis, if they were going to protect Tony in any way. And Tony had been brave enough to start talking about this.

"You're looking for evidence, right?" The next words came out after Bruce spent a good while concentrating on his breathing. On staying "calm." As if there could be any calm when dealing with these things. "Not just if he could leak information about Tony. About Tony and Stane, but, if he, if he's like Stane."

"That is correct, Bruce. That is also why I'm conducting an extremely thorough search that may take some time. It involves scanning his entire global network and then moving on to find a way into any devices he has that are not networked."

If Murphy had done the things Tony told him about, it followed that he was an abuser too.  Tony had been 21 at the time things started with Murphy, but that didn't matter much; Bruce understood that Tony had never been in a position to say no, especially after what Stane had put him through.

So that meant that Murphy could have hurt kids. That he could still be-

- _hurting_ _kids_.

Bruce felt sick. Even without the Other Guy's help, he already wanted to find Murphy and tear him to pieces.

God, how had Tony talked about this? It was hard even to think the words in his own head, Bruce found.

"Jarvis, if this guy is hurting, is abusing kids, we have to find out. We have to stop him. We have to-"

"Yes. We will." Just three words, but Bruce could hear Jarvis' own anger and pain behind them, clearly.

Bruce was getting up his nerve to keep reading when he heard his Starkphone ring. He searched around for it and finally found it thrown over on the couch. He hit the on button and Tony’s face filled the screen.

“Miss me already?” Bruce asked, pushing down his worry and trying to be relaxed. No need for Tony to know what he was doing, yet.

“You know I do,” Tony smiled. “I just was wondering if it was you that sent a babysitter along with me here.”

Tony had been annoyed to find Natasha already waiting for him on the jet when he got there. He’d finally gotten a moment alone, ok, actually he was hiding in the bedroom on the jet and pretending to get some sleep, so he could call Bruce and get to the bottom of things.

“What? Who?”

“Natasha’s here. She said she has some SHIELD work to do, and also wants to spend some time with Pepper.” Tony’s voice was light, but there was tightness around his eyes.

“No, Tony, no. It wasn’t me. I didn’t send her.”

Tony nodded. He wasn't completely convinced that Natasha had SHIELD work to do, but he wouldn't dare interrogate her. Could she have spontaneously decided to keep an eye on him? He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

“You know I couldn’t come with you,” Bruce said. “And I know you’re not “fragile”, I do. But I’m glad she’s there, whatever her excuse.”

Bruce couldn’t completely hide the concern on his face. He couldn’t fly on the jet, it wasn’t set up to withstand the Other Guy, and it would raise too many eyebrows if they took the Quinjet all the way to Tokyo. So he’d resigned himself to staying in New York while Tony went on his trip.

“Ok, I believe you,” Tony forced himself to smile. “But I reserve the right to conduct further interrogations when I get back,” he winked at Bruce.

“Ok.” Bruce ran his hand through his curls, and Tony wished he was there to do that for him. “Listen, don't freak out, but I touched your stuff.”

“You touched my stuff?” Bruce chuckled at Tony's shocked face.

"I left something for you in your suitcase. Maybe it’s stupid, but, when you get in, just check it out."

“I will.” They talked some more, neither of them mentioning all the worries hanging over them. Tony asked Bruce how his work was going, and they were about to lose themselves in science, one of the things that had brought them together in the first place.

When they ended the call, Tony sat back against the pillows stacked on the bed. He'd set Jarvis the task of continuing the investigations on Murphy - finding out everything, and with J he could be assured that it would really be everything. But in the past 3 days J had yet to find anything important, and Tony had focused on work. Work which was spread on the bed around him.

He knew that sleep probably would not be happening, so he just went back to work.

* * *

When Tony and Natasha got into Tokyo, they met Pepper at the hotel and immediately took the clients out on the town. And Tony was his charming self, though he had less energy to do that than usual. He even left Pepper and Natasha still on the dance floor, much to his own surprise, to go back to the hotel around 1am. He probably wasn't actually going to sleep, but he figured he'd at least pretend to try. He’d promised Bruce. And he’d brought Jarvis along with him, and knew J would not be above telling on him either.

Tony picked up his suitcase out of the closet and went to unpack it. People would be surprised that Tony Stark could unpack his own suitcase, but his edict not to touch his stuff extended even to that. Remembering what Bruce had said, he rummaged around in the case and felt something soft and fuzzy at the bottom.

Finally he pulled it out and had to laugh. He was holding a small, stuffed Hulk. It had a shock of dark hair and cartoon eyes. A small note was taped to its chest - "Big Guy says come home soon."

Tony smiled. Bruce had originally been horrified to find out about all the Avengers merchandising, especially knowing that it included the Other Guy. But now that Bruce had personally checked on the working conditions in the S.I.-owned factories and personally chose the charities all the profits went to, he was ok with it. Mostly.

Tony sat down on the king-sized bed, loosening his tie and rolling up his sleeves. He had to remind himself the entire evening to keep his cuffs buttoned – the scratches on his forearm were healing, but were still too easily made out. And that was not something he wanted to have to explain.

 Tony picked up the toy and held it to his chest. He never imagined he would have his very own enormous green rage monster. And the amazing man that the Other Guy was housed in.

Tony certainly didn't believe in God - some bearded old man in the sky putting everybody through hell just for kicks? No way. He could never buy into all that crap that his mother had believed in. But something, karma, fate, what have you, _something_ had made sure Bruce came into his life. And he was so grateful.

He picked up his phone from where he had thrown it on the bed and quickly texted -

BIG GUY, BE HOME AS SOON AS I CAN.

After a few moments, Bruce wrote back.

WE’LL BE WAITING.

Tony put in the earbud that was connected to Jarvis and all his devices, and picked up his Starkpad, planning on going through his presentation for the morning once again.

But Jarvis apparently had other plans. “Sir, am I correct in assuming that you are not even going to attempt to sleep?”

“I don't think so,” Tony answered, scanning the screen.

“I believe your presentation is good to go. Therefore, if you have some time, Sir, I believe we could continue our talks.”

Tony put the Starkpad down and stretched out on the bed.

"You mean your shrinking?"

"A certain consistency is advisable in these cases."

Huh. Tony leaned back against the pillows he'd piled up and, without actually meaning to, picked up the stuffed Hulk, squeezing it tightly in his left hand. "Ok. We can do that. But nothing – nothing too-"

"I’ll go easy on you Tony,” J effortlessly took on his “therapy” voice. “We could start simply. Could you tell me how you're feeling right now, Tony?"

Crap. That damn f-word again. Tony took a breath.

"I do not understand the question," he joked. Tony could practically hear the sigh in J's voice in his ear.

"You cannot get out of this by quoting Spock, and you know it."

Tony laughed. J had him there. Maybe there was a slight downside to having a "shrink" that knew you too well.

"Ok. Ok. I give. Uh, feelings…You know that…I'm not good at feelings. That shrink told me - the second one. The second shrink they forced me to go to. The one that really hated me? What was his name?"

"Dr. Resnick," Jarvis supplied. Tony nodded. "And I do not believe he actually hated you. You simply frustrated him as you spent most of your sessions with him in complete silence."

Tony remembered that. The grey-haired psychiatrist playing "shrink chicken", sitting there silently, just waiting for Tony to say something. And Tony wouldn't give him the satisfaction. He just wouldn’t. But, wait-

"How did you know that J? I never told you that."

"I…I may have been monitoring you at that time without your express permission. It was not difficult to get into Dr. Resnick’s systems. Or those of the other doctors you saw. I do apologize, but I was very concerned about you. I was also trying to understand my feelings at the time. I experienced a great deal of what I came to understand was grief while you were…gone." This was Tony’s Jarvis saying all of this now.

"Oh." Holy shit. Jarvis had missed him, Tony knew that. But Jarvis had…mourned him? The fact that Jarvis had basically spied on him seemed like something he should be angry about, but strangely it made him feel warm inside. Protected.

J was always looking out for him, even when he didn't know it.

"I-" Tony found his voice rough with those damn feelings again. "I think I can let that slide then. The unauthorized monitoring."

"Of course. Thank you. I am telling you this so you will know that I too have gone through the process of trying to analyze my own feelings. I realize it can be difficult."

"Yeah." That was a fucking understatement. Tony was silent a moment, looking down at the stuffed Hulk, still squeezing it tightly. Jarvis gave him a few minutes to kind of collect himself, then continued.

"What did Dr. Resnick tell you?" Jarvis' voice had switched back to shrink-mode.

"That-" Tony sighed. "That I sometimes can't "access" my own feelings? I just shoved them so far down that I managed to hide them even from myself."

"And why do you think that is?" Tony almost smiled at that. Jarvis was really getting this shrink speak down. "Tony?"

“Cuz Dad always-" It slipped out without Tony thinking about it. Maybe because he was far from home, somewhere anonymous and it didn't seem so dangerous to talk about things. Where he was looking out over a city of millions of people that were living their lives without caring about what Tony did, mostly.

But he clamped his jaw tightly as soon as he realized what he'd started to say.

J didn't give up, though. "What did Howard do?" he asked gently.

"He -" _Shit. Don't be a coward here._ "All he ever said to me - was always-" Tony shook his head. "Starks don't get scared. Starks don't cry. Starks are made of iron." Tony closed his eyes, trying to get control of those stupid feelings running through him. "So I couldn't - ever - " He didn't know how to say what he meant. "I couldn't ever feel- He wouldn’t let me."

Luckily, J was awesome and said it for him.

"I believe I understand what you're saying, Tony. Often, if your feelings are discounted, ignored, disallowed, it can be a defense mechanism, a survival strategy, to learn to hide them. You have to disown them yourself in order to survive, because they are seen as too dangerous."

That did make sense. His feelings did always seem to be "wrong" somehow. Not ok. Dangerous.

"Yeah."

"Do you think that may have happened in your case?"

Tony nodded. "Yeah. It could be.”

“Then one of the things we must work on is helping you learn to reconnect to your feelings.”

Great. That was gonna be fun. Tony sighed and forced himself to keep talking. “But he - Howard," god, how Tony _hated_ to talk about him. "It was bullshit, right? What he said? Kids - all kids get scared, right?"

"Yes. Everyone gets scared, Tony."

Jarvis was awesome as always, and managed to get Tony to keep talking for a while. He even pulled up some memories of Howard. And some times that Howard completely ignored Tony’s feelings. Which was actually most of the time.

Finally, Jarvis said, jokingly, that their "time" was up. And Tony realized that he didn’t feel horrible. He felt ok.

“I did good right?” Tony found himself joking. “I was a good patient?”

“You did good Tony. This was a productive session.”

Tony chuckled. “So do I get a gold star?” He realized that maybe he should try to sleep, he was feeling kind of drained and manic at the same time.

In the air in front of him, a shining, holographic gold star appeared, spinning.

Tony laughed, and it just came out. “God I love you, J.”

“So do I, Sir,” came the answer in his ear. “So do I. If I may, I would like to add one thing on our discussion of fear, Sir."

"Yeah. Go ahead."

"I would like you to know that, as I said, over the years I have managed to identify and somewhat understand the feelings I am capable of. And I, myself, have felt fear on many occasions. Most strongly, in particular, after you released the warhead. I went offline and had no idea…"

Tony took a sharp breath and tried to think about it without freaking out. He remembered, he'd gotten no reply from Jarvis, and couldn't stand to watch the destruction he'd caused. He'd just closed his eyes and given up, desperately hoping that Pepper and everybody else he loved were safe.

"It would be very…painful for me not to talk to you ever again Sir."

"For me too, J. For me too."

* * *

Tony must have fallen asleep, because he jerked awake at the knock on the door. He looked around, trying to place where he was. Ok. Hotel room. Tokyo.

And he totally wasn't sleeping curled up with the stuffed Hulk toy. He totally wasn't. He quickly shoved it under the bed, grabbed his earbud and walked out of the bedroom and through the elegant suite to the door.

“Talk to me J.”

“Agent Romanoff is at the door. Alone.”

Tony opened the door, glad to know he wasn’t gonna have to fight anybody tonight.

Natasha was wearing comfortable sweats, and her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, so she'd probably tried to go to sleep after coming back from her night out. But her face - the look on her face… He knew that look. Tony had seen that look countless times on Bruce's face, when he woke from his nightmares or was just having a "bad" day. Tony had often seen that look in the mirror. Too often.

He quickly stepped back so Natasha could enter the suite. He didn't say anything; he knew there wasn't much you could say. It just helped to have another person around.

She didn’t speak either. She just walked silently through the living room of the suite, heading for the bedroom. Tony followed. Natasha climbed onto the bed and sat against the headboard, her knees pulled up to her chest.

Tony slowly sat on the bed beside her. He forced himself to stay quiet, wait for her to tell him what she needed. After a long silence, he heard her voice, but it didn’t sound like her. She kept staring straight ahead.

“There’s that part of you, that part of you that’s you. You have to keep it hidden so deep down. They will try to get to it, tear down every layer of who you are, but you can’t – you _can’t_ give it up. You can’t let them see it.”

Could he risk it, Tony wondered. He’d risk it. He slowly reached out his hand and lightly placed it over hers where it was resting on the bed. And then he spoke.

“And sometimes, sometimes you realize you’ve shoved it so far down that you don’t know if you can get it back. If you can get you back.”

She twined her fingers with his and clutched tightly to his hand, so tightly he hoped she didn’t break anything. He heard her breathing, fast, too fast, kind of gasping for air.

He knew that feeling too. Way too much lately. Maybe he could actually help here.

“You,” Tony started cautiously, “you have to think about where you are now. That it’s not happening now. Whatever it is, it’s not happening right now.”

He felt her squeeze his hand harder, and took it as a positive sign. So he went on.

“So right now, we’re in a fantastic, luxury hotel suite, with a window to the right with a great view of Tokyo.  To the left we have a shiny black desk and two chairs, and a huge TV, a coffee machine, which is, you know, the most important thing in here, besides me. Yeah, and I have the wristbands so if I call the suit, I’ll be suited up in 6.3 seconds and ready to deal with anything.”

He just kept babbling, describing the suite, the things around them, like Jarvis had told him to do when he was freaking out. Gradually he heard her breathing calm down, and finally she spoke again, but her voice was lighter.

“Ok. Ok. You can shut up now. Please, shut up.” She pulled her hand from his, and picked up the Starkpad. “I’m ordering food.”

“Sure.”

“And you’re eating with me.” She looked up at him and her eyes were clearer, calmer. He had helped, somehow.

"Absolutely."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: I am not a shrink (but I've been to a lot of them). I am not an expert. Psychology was my minor a long time ago. I am doing as much research as possible, including using some serious, heavy duty psychology books (as well as my own crappy childhood). Be aware of that.  
> You want to talk about anything, you can find me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/trammelsb).


	27. Good Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s - I don't want to hurt people. I've never been able to protect people I love,” Bruce whispered, his voice full of anguish. “I just hurt people.”

Bruce was sitting at his favorite family-run cafe, hidden on a side street not far from the tower. He forced himself to go out for lunch when he could – leave the tower, work on convincing himself that he was not a danger to everyone around him.

Steve often came with him, but this week Steve was away on a SHIELD mission. Tony would be back from Japan that afternoon. Natasha was with Tony and Clint was who-knew-where, so Bruce made himself take a walk alone. Well, not completely alone – he had his earbud connected to Jarvis.

After years on the run, he was highly capable of noting any and all threats around him, but having Jarvis’ “eyes” as well made him feel more comfortable. And Jarvis could immediately investigate suspicious people or situations and let Bruce know when he was actually being paranoid.

Today he’d walked the streets a while, watched the New Yorkers working, Christmas shopping, eating, going about their business. These people, who always got back up no matter what happened to their city. Always rebuilt, always kept going. It gave him strength, living among them.

Bruce took a sip of his tea and read the email again. The dean of Columbia, who he'd met at the gala the other night, was offering him a teaching job. Teaching, sharing his love of science with others, was something he loved. And he missed it. He realized he wanted it.

And lately, he’d actually been getting some of the things he wanted. More than he ever dreamed. So, maybe with Tony’s and Jarvis’ help, this was something he could have.

He felt something that had slowly been growing in him since meeting Tony.

He felt hope.

Jarvis interrupted his thoughts. “Bruce, I apologize for the interruption but Director Fury is at the tower, asking to meet with you.”

Fury? What could the Director want now?

“Ok. Uh, tell him I’ll be there in 15 minutes.” Bruce got up and went to pay his check.

“Very good. He’ll be waiting in conference room 5.”

Bruce tried to calm himself on the walk back to the tower. He steeled himself as he walked into the conference room.

Fury was dressed down, but was no less intimidating than usual. He had a takeout cup of coffee and a Starkpad in front of him. He nodded as Bruce entered the room, then gestured to the seat across the table from him.

“Banner. Have a seat.”

“Did we – I mean, Tony’s in Japan. He’ll be back this afternoon.” Bruce stuttered stupidly as he sat down.

“I am aware of that. I wanted to speak to you. This isn’t SHIELD business. This is a conversation off the record. That ok?”

Bruce looked at him, kind of shocked that Fury was actually asking his consent for something. It wasn't something the guy had done much with him.

"I guess. Depends what you want to talk about."

"About you and Stark.”

“I thought you and Tony worked everything out, how you’re dealing with the press…”

“This isn’t about that. Your cover is safe. I talked to Stark. Now I wanna talk to you."

"Ok." Bruce just tried to stay calm, waiting for Fury to get to the point. He felt a growling in his head. The Other Guy didn't like Fury very much.

The Director took a sip of his coffee, appraising Bruce.

"So, you've been on the team since the beginning. A year and a half. And your Other Guy has been working well, following orders from Rogers."

"Yes. He's - he's been a real help, I think. I've been working with Jarvis, tracking his progress, and he's actually learning at an incredible pace."

"Hm." Fury picked up his Starkpad and looked down at it. Was he trying not to appear as a threat to Bruce? A little late for that. "Tony said this thing has been going on for about six months?”

"Thing? You mean, our relationship? About 7 months." Bruce tamped down the angry growls at the back of his head _\- calm calm calm_ \- trying to figure out what Fury wanted. He was still a bit afraid of Fury because he represented SHIELD, but had learned the man himself was smart and shrewd and fiercely protective of his Avengers.

Fury's smirked. "Ah, the Atlantic incident."

The mini-invasion of blue aliens whose weapons turned Hulk back into Bruce, dropping him unconscious into the ocean.

“He saved my life.” With his suit completely KO, Tony dove into the water – braved his greatest fear – to keep Bruce from drowning.

“I shoulda known. He never goes near water anymore.” He shook his head and gave a small, but still unsettling, smile. “ I saw that video. I guess he is serious about you.”

“I'm serious too. Absolutely.”

Fury glanced back down at the Starkpad. “In these 7 months, Stark has been unusually stable. No drunken incidents. Not many ill-advised actions against orders.”

Was Fury trying to say that Bruce was good for him?

“This thing seems to be agreeing with him. I would suggest you keep it that way.” Fury said it in his way that meant - 'by suggest, I mean that if you do not do this thing, I may rip your spine out through your nose.'

“I - uh-“ Bruce saw the dots connecting, the pattern forming. Holy shit, he'd been worried about Rhodey, but here he was getting the shovel talk from none other than Nick Fury.

“Tony’s an asset. A very important asset to me. I don't like it when my assets are unhappy. Makes me unhappy. You won't like me unhappy.”

Bruce clenched his fists, trying to breathe calmly. He didn't doubt that. “I have no intention of making him unhappy. None at all.”

“I see that your Other Guy seems to like Tony too. Protects him. See that you do the same.”

“I do. I will." Bruce took a breath. "Listen, uh, maybe I don’t have the right to try to have a relationship with anybody, I probably don’t, but by some miracle Tony wants me too. And I love him.” Bruce looked Fury right in the eye when he said that, gathering all his courage. “The last thing that I want is to hurt him in any way. I - and the Other Guy - would do anything to protect Tony. From anyone."

Fury nodded at him.  "I'll hold you to that."

But Bruce was not gonna leave it at that. He had a chance here. He steeled himself, calling up all his courage. "Ok, Director. You've had your questions. Now I have one."

The man raised his eyebrow. "Fair enough. Go ahead."

"Why? Why Tony? Why did you hail him about the nuke?" Bruce thought he knew the answer, thought he shouldn't even be questioning it, but Fury had basically sent Tony to die and Bruce had to know why.

Fury nodded again, as if he approved of the question. "Knew he'd get the job done. No question. Save the most people, no matter what the cost to himself."

Bruce nodded too. Yes. "That is what Tony does." What Tony would always do.

* * *

Tony strode into Bruce's lab that afternoon to find his scientist deep in concentration.

“Honey, I’m home!”

Bruce looked up from his experiments his whole face lit up in a smile. His billionaire walked over to him, in a suit slightly wrinkled from 14 hours on the jet, but still looking beautiful.

“Hey.” Bruce grabbed his lapels and pulled him close for a kiss. “I really missed you.”

Tony pulled back and smiled. “Yeah, I know. Life is boring without me.”

Bruce talked about his work, figuring he'd wait until Tony was a little more relaxed before he told him about Fury. Tony hopped up on a worktable near Bruce and time flew while they scienced.

Finally, Bruce looked at the clock. "It's late, we should go up. I have dinner waiting, wasn't sure exactly what time you'd get in." He took off his protective gloves and folded up his glasses, completely ignoring the effect those actions had on Tony.

Tony hopped down from the table and moved close to Bruce, his hand on Bruce's chest. "You sure you wanna eat?"

Bruce smiled, looking down at Tony's hand, then his eyes widened in shock.

“Tony! You ok?”

Tony looked down at the purpling bruise on his wrist - "No, no! It was Widow - she dragged me out of bed every morning to train. She actually said I'm not bad."

Bruce's smile grew at that. "From Natasha that's a huge compliment." He put his arm around Tony and started guiding him to the elevator. Tony was hopeful, but when they got to the penthouse, Bruce led him to the kitchen and gently pushed him to sit at the table, which was set for dinner.

Well, Tony thought, maybe it was better to fuel up before doing more strenuous activities.  He dug into his - what had Bruce called it? - polenta, and answered Bruce's questions about the trip.

He saw Bruce's worry finally coming through his expression. "I - were you ok? I mean, was everything…?"

Tony put his hand over Bruce's, nodding.

"Yeah. Yeah. It was ok. Jarvis made me continue with our "sessions". He says it's important to be consistent." Tony sighed in annoyance. "But, uh, it wasn't bad. I think it could work. I feel – ok – talking to him.”

“That’s good. That’s really good.” Bruce's smile came back.

There was still no news on Murphy, so Tony wasn't going to bring it up, bring Bruce down. It was just another of the million things hanging over his head that he was trying to ignore.

Realizing he had almost finished off his plate, Tony paused with his fork halfway to his mouth, giving Bruce a strange look.

“Don’t think I don’t see what you’re doing here.”

“What am I doing? Making you fantastic meals so you don’t live on coffee, kale smoothies and dried blueberries?” Bruce was doing his best "innocent" face, but there was a twinkle in his eye.

“Well, yeah. But also,” Tony paused to chew and swallow. “Making sure I eat at regular intervals. Making sure we go to bed and pretend to sleep at night like “normal” people. Scheduling me.”

“Routine, habit, can be comforting. And, uh, Pepper may also have suggested some things. And Rhodey too.”

Tony didn’t know what to say to that, so he stayed quiet, just chewing. Thankfully Bruce changed the subject.

“So do you want the weird news or the good news first?” Bruce figured it was time to lighten things up.

“I’ll take the weird.” Tony picked up the serving dish and dumped more polenta on his plate. Bruce couldn't hide his smile at that.

Bruce took a calm breath, then told Tony about his meeting with Fury, watching Tony get increasingly pissed off as Bruce went on.

“What the hell!" Tony threw his fork down on the table. “Shit! Who does the one-eyed bastard think he is?”

“He’s somebody who cares about you. There’s actually a pretty long list.”

But Tony’s gaze was still murderous. “I told him to leave you alone. I warned him!”

“I can handle it. I’m not fragile either, you know.”

Tony huffed at that, but after a while let it go. Especially when Bruce told him the good news. Tony’s fact lit up when he heard that Bruce wanted to teach.

"You know that would involve leaving the tower, dealing with people?" Tony smiled.

Bruce actually rolled his eyes. "I think I could handle that. At least I can try. I really loved teaching, and I really want to try."

" I’ll upgrade your earbud, so Jarvis can monitor you when you’re out. We'll make you some wristbands too if you want, whatever you need." Tony was off on a million different ideas. He was so happy to see Bruce trying to get something he wanted. Just wanting something. He would do anything to help it happen.

* * *

Tony came out of the bathroom in just his t-shirt and boxers, to find Bruce lying in bed, in his usual sweatpants, studying a Starkpad. Bruce had insisted they go to bed at a "normal person" hour, especially to help Tony's jet lag, but Tony had no inclination to sleep.

Tony crawled over to Bruce and plucked the Starkpad out of his hands, straddling Bruce's lap.

Bruce looked up at him, his eyes softening behind his glasses, a small smirk on his face. "Oh, hello." His hands came down to rest on Tony's hips, his fingers digging into Tony's skin.

"Don't know if you noticed, but I been away for a whole week, and I really missed you." Tony gently pulled of Bruce's glasses and put them aside. He rolled his hips against Bruce as he leaned down to kiss him.

Tony licked his way into Bruce’s mouth and Bruce kissed back, running his hands over Tony’s body, exploring, falling into the feelings. Tony was already hard against him and Bruce's cock was taking interest. The Other Guy was quiet in the back of his head, happy that Tony was there. Was safe.

Bruce devoured Tony's mouth, his tongue tangling with Tony's, taking what was his.

_Just taking._

The conversation they had before Tony left came into his head. Tony was clearly showing that he wanted this, but what if he didn’t? How could Bruce know?

_Just taking what you want like the other monsters in Tony's life?_

Bruce pulled back from Tony. “Wait. Wait.” He put his hands gently on Tony's chest, holding him back.

“What is it?” He searched Bruce’s eyes, trying to understand. Bruce was clearly nervous, but he didn't know why.

“I'm kinda - uh- yellow here. I don't wanna -  I just want to be sure, you understood what we talked about. About consent.”

“Yes. I thought about it. I'm good." Tony tried kissing him again, but Bruce held him off. Tony took a breath. "Look, I was good this week, I let J shrink me and everything, I swear. I'm totally green here, come on!” Tony placed his hand on Bruce’s chest, but Bruce flinched, drawing back.

Shit, had Tony fucked this up too now? Maybe Bruce just didn't want to touch him…

_Why would he, after all you've told him. He knows what you've done._

The engineer moved away, sitting next to his scientist, staring at Bruce almost in fear.

"I just don't want you to feel like you have to. I don't want to do anything that you don't want." Bruce took Tony's hand, his eyes serious, afraid in a way Tony hadn't seen him in a while. " I don't want to hurt you." Tony saw the pain on Bruce's face and tried to believe him, tried to push away that horrible voice in his head, telling him that Bruce was lying, that he just didn't want Tony anymore.

“Listen. Listen, please. You've never hurt me. You're not gonna hurt me. I just - I need you-”

Tony tried leaning forward again, but he saw the panic rising in Bruce's eyes. He'd fucked up again. Again.

"I know. I know. Wait, just wait. Please…" Bruce crawled back off the bed, then he was actually backing away. Away from Tony. "I'm sorry. I just need - need a minute -"

And he practically ran from the room.

Bruce stumbled out of the bedroom, managing to get to the couch before his legs gave out on him. He sank to the floor, his back resting against the side of the couch, his hands in fists and tears starting to pour down his face.

_Had he- had he-_

He had never seen Tony so scared as that night in the bathroom, and couldn't get the image of Tony's face or the sound of Tony's sobs out of his head. Bruce couldn't handle the thought that he could be one of the people that took advantage of Tony, took what he wanted and ignored what Tony wanted, or didn't want.

 _Could he have done that too?_  The thought was like a knife to his guts, searing pain through him, making him want to scream.

Tony waited a few minutes, he wanted to give Bruce his space, but when he heard the clear sound of Bruce crying he got up and padded slowly into the living room, not wanting to startle the other man.

Bruce was curled up in a ball beside the sofa, just sobbing.

"Bruce?," Tony said softly, inching forward so the scientist could see him. "I'm sorry, really, I didn't-"

Bruce shook his head, trying to catch his breath. "No, you don't - you don't have to be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Can I?" Tony held out his hand, and Bruce nodded, then Tony was next to him, wrapping his arms tightly around him, holding him. Bruce couldn't speak for a while, just grabbed onto Tony and soaked Tony's t-shirt with his tears.

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"I don't understand," Tony said, because he didn't. He really didn't.

Even through his own pain, Bruce could see the fear and shame flash across Tony's face, just for a moment, before he crushed his own emotions and schooled his expression into calm indifference. 

“It’s - I don't want to hurt people. I've never been able to protect people I love,” Bruce whispered, his voice full of anguish. “I just hurt people.”

Bruce didn’t talk much about his childhood, but Tony knew the story, from Bruce’s files – before he’d met the man – and the things that Bruce let slip after his nightmares.

“They…left. Or I had to leave them. I couldn’t-“ Bruce stopped, trying to collect himself, feeling Tony wrap his  arms around him and gripping Tony’s hand with his.

Tony knew he was thinking of Betty, who’d been the most important person in Bruce’s life. Bruce had talked about her some, and Tony understood. He’d told Bruce about the surveillance of General Ross, but he hadn’t admitted the occasional surveillance he had conducted to check that Betty was safe, or the anonymous grants that he had made to her research.

“So you have to – you have to help me not to hurt you. You can't let me hurt you.."

"I will. I will. You've never hurt me. I told you. Never."

Bruce shook his head, absently wiping his tears. "You have to tell me to stop, every time you want to stop. Every time. Please-"

"I will. I will." Tony caught Bruce's hand and pulled it to his chest, covering the reactor. "You never hurt me. Listen, I know I fuck up a lot of things but this I promise. I'll tell you. I'll use the safewords and I'll do everything you need me to do. You won't hurt me."

"I trust you, Tony. You know it's me I don't trust."

"I've trusted you from the second we met." Tony's eyes were earnest now. Open. "I never do that. But I wasn’t wrong. I'm never wrong," Tony winked.

Bruce didn't say anything to that, and Tony just pulled him close and held on, while Bruce tried to calm his breathing. Their hands were still joined, over Tony's reactor.

"I just keep thinking," Bruce whispered after a while. "You must have been so scared."

"I was," Tony admitted. "I mean, I am now, but not like then. How could I be, I have my own enormous green rage monster now."

That actually got a small chuckle from Bruce. "I really think, no, I feel… he loves you."

"Tell the green bean that I love him too." Tony let go of Bruce's hand and just wrapped both arms around his scientist, holding him close.

He would do everything he could to protect Bruce from his demons, even the ones in his own head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Protective Dad Fury is canon now so I put in in here. I kinda feel not worthy of putting words in Fury's mouth.


	28. Good Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony then took a sip of the hot chocolate, and couldn't help smiling. It did remind him of sitting at that table across from Jarvis, carefully watching the man's face, which could maintain the calm lack of expression required around Howard but when alone with Tony, was filled with compassion and affection.
> 
> "When the Nanny went to bed, or when I couldn't sleep, or when I fought with Dad, he let me stay there with him. He would make me hot chocolate. And I always felt…I was safe with him.” Tony put his hand over Bruce's, holding tight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had a super stressful week, so hope this doesn't have too many mistakes.

Bruce was leaning against Tony while the engineer stroked his hair. He had calmed a bit, but Tony didn’t know what else to do.

He was saved by Jarvis, as always.

“Sir, if you would go to the dumbwaiter in the kitchen, I have ordered something for both of you.”

Bruce nodded at Tony and he got up, padding to the kitchen. He opened the special compartment used to send up food directly from the tower’s many restaurants and looked inside. For a moment Tony was speechless; he was looking at a tray with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate covered with whipped cream.

“Thanks J. That’s…perfect.” He took the tray and went back to Bruce. The scientist looked up and gave his small smile, surprise in his eyes, and took a mug.

“That’s something I’ve never seen you drink.” Bruce took a sip while Tony sat beside him, trying not to spill his drink. “Mmm…Is that cinnamon?”

“Yes Bruce,” Jarvis replied. “It’s a specialty of the cafè on the 27th floor.”

“It’s good.” Bruce turned and smiled at Tony again. The question was still there though.

“Jarvis. In our sessions. He told me, when I’m - I'm freaking out, I should pick a “safe place”, like a real place, a real memory, and go there in my head. Somewhere I felt safe. A positive memory.” Tony dipped his finger in the whipped cream and popped it in his mouth. He felt Bruce’s free hand land gently on his thigh, fingers softly rubbing the skin below his boxer briefs.

“It took a while to come up with, but it was this." Tony gestured to the mug. "In the kitchen, at Stark Manor. Edwin Jarvis-“ Bruce could hear a slight strain in Tony’s voice mentioning that name, the memory full of emotion. “The kitchen, not the dining room where I was 'allowed' to eat with my parents when I was older. But the kitchen where Jarvis ate. There was this big wooden table. Where the nanny of the week - they never lasted long - would feed me."

Tony then took a sip of the hot chocolate, and couldn't help smiling. It did remind him of sitting at that table across from Jarvis, carefully watching the man's face, which could maintain the calm lack of expression required around Howard but when alone with Tony, was filled with compassion and affection.

"When the Nanny went to bed, or when I couldn't sleep, or when I fought with Dad, he let me stay there with him. He would make me hot chocolate. And I always felt…I was safe with him.” Tony put his hand over Bruce's, holding tight.

“That’s sounds like a good memory,” Bruce offered. He stared down at his mug for a moment. He felt calmer now, though a bit drained. He hadn't meant to freak out on Tony, but the fear had been too much.

The strangely positive thing was that he had felt such strong emotions without changing. He hadn't even felt the threat of changing. His connection with the Other Guy seemed to be getting stronger, increasing their communication.

Bruce sipped the perfect, ridiculously expensive hot chocolate and realized something. He had a memory he could share too.

“My mom would make us Swiss Miss. Usually when my dad was already passed out.” Bruce realized he hardly ever talked about these things, but he felt he should share something with Tony. He _wanted_ to share this with Tony.

He looked up and at Tony’s bewildered look, he explained. “It’s instant hot chocolate. Powdered. You can make it with hot water.” The shocked look on Tony’s face made Bruce’s smile widen.

“Well, if you want that, I can get you that. I can buy you the whole company if you want. Whatever you want.”

Tony's voice was earnest, and Bruce knew that that wasn’t just a crazy offer, that Tony would actually do that without hesitation if Bruce told him to.

“I know. It’s ok. This is good. Really good.” Bruce drank some more. It was actually fantastic, the flavor of cocoa and cinnamon exploding on his tongue. It was definitely hot chocolate worthy of Tony Stark.

“It sounds like you were lucky to have Jarvis. I mean, uh, if you feel like talking about him, I'd like to know about him.” Bruce fished, trying for casual. Not wanting to push, but curious about the man who had cared so much for Tony.

“Yeah. I was. But he was a lot less sarcastic than the Jarvis I have now.” Bruce could actually almost hear the AI smiling at that.

And then Tony was talking. Talking about hot chocolate in the kitchen, bedtime stories when Tony couldn’t sleep, Jarvis being his assistant in his lab. “…he never got sick of me, you know? Never got impatient.”

Bruce wanted to ask Jarvis to freeze-frame the look on Tony’s face at that moment. It was so tender and calm. Almost wistful.

“He even helped me with my experiments. I can’t tell you how many times I blew off his eyebrows.” Tony chuckled, realizing that his head was actually filling with memories that were warm and comforting. And that Bruce was smiling at him.

He kept on talking until long after they finished their drinks. After a while Bruce took the mug from Tony's hand and placed it on the coffee table, then turned back to Tony. He squeezed Tony’s thigh again, running his fingers over the bare skin.

Bruce had thought a lot about Tony while he was away. About how much he missed him. And about what Bruce's greater control over the Hulk could mean for them.

Tony watched the thoughts flickering across Bruce's eyes, unsure if he wanted to know what they were, but Bruce's hand was gently stroking his leg, moving higher with each pass.

Bruce watched Tony's face carefully as he gently moved his hand up to Tony's hip, his fingers teasing under the hem of the engineer's t-shirt.

"Feeling better?" Tony asked, trying not to sound too excited.

"Yeah. I am. I was thinking…"

Bruce licked his lips, those fucking _luscious_ lips, and suddenly there was a sexy scientist on Tony’s lap, eyes full of curiosity instead of fear, his warm body pressing against Tony's.

"Oh, hello," Tony said, mimicking Bruce's tone from earlier.

"Hi." Bruce leaned forward and kissed Tony lightly, those lips tasting and searching. Tony decided that chocolate-flavored  physicist was now his favorite flavor ever.

Tony lifted his hands, wanting to grab Bruce, to touch him, but unsure. God, he hated feeling this way. Tony pulled back, realizing they would have to talk before taking this further.

"I - are we-? If we are, I'm totally green here," Tony smiled. Bruce smiled back, and Tony could see the wheels still turning in Bruce's beautiful brain.

"I have an idea."

“I love your ideas. Big, huge fan of your ideas. No. 1 fan probably.“ Tony forced himself to rest his hands on Bruce’s hips. Bruce didn’t jerk away, but leaned in, kissing him again.

“Get the cuffs,” Bruce whispered. Tony’s eyes widened at that. “And use them on me.”

Tony’s cock was totally on board with that, especially feeling Bruce rutting against him, but… “What about the Other Guy?”

“He’s calm when he sees you’re ok. I think he’ll let you take the con.”

“That sounds like a theory we have to test right away.” And Tony was helping Bruce get up off the floor and practically dragging him into the bedroom.

* * *

Tony was right; Bruce's ideas were the _best_.

Bruce was bare and spread out underneath Tony, shackled to the headboard, hot and flushed and gazing at Tony with arousal and complete trust.

As Tony had buckled the restraints around his wrists, the tension, the worry, drained out of the man. This way he knew that whatever happened was what Tony wanted. He could put everything in Tony’s (and Jarvis’) hands. Jarvis could release the cuffs with one word from either of them or if he noted a problem with their vitals.

The Other Guy was calm. As long as he saw that Tony was safe, was enjoying himself, the voice in the back of Bruce’s head was calm. Disinterested even. Bruce could relax with Tony in charge.

Tony was kneeling over Bruce, one thigh tucked next to his and the other foot planted on the bed, giving Bruce as good a show as he could while he worked two fingers into himself. Clothes had been done away with, and Bruce’s cock was already hard and leaking at the scene above him, Tony's hot skin against him, Tony's panting as he plunged his fingers into his slicked hole.

Tony's other hand came to rest on Bruce's chest, dragging his fingers through the dark hair.

“I like this,” Tony gasped as he twisted his fingers inside of himself. “I like this idea a lot.” Tony loved having Bruce at his mercy. Flushed and hard and desperate, his eyes full of heat.

“Yeah,” Bruce breathed. “Does that feel good?”

“Yeah,” Tony’s voice was full of heat as well. “You know I do have magic fingers.” And there was that smile!

Bruce pulled at the cuffs, just to feel them, like Tony’s embrace, holding him safe. He arched upwards, his hard cock rubbing against Tony’s hot length. His eyes moved back down Tony’s body to where those fingers were thrusting inside.

“Tell me,” Bruce demanded, “what are you gonna do?”

Tony paused in his movement, leaned down and bit at Bruce’s nipple, taking the hard nub between his teeth, the curly hair on Bruce's chest tickling his lips. He’d never dared bite, bruise Bruce before, and it was amazing to even try.

Tony’s mouth then moved up to Bruce’s neck, licking and biting softly. So softly, but still sending bursts of electricity through Bruce's body. Then Tony's his mouth was near Bruce’s ear, licking and biting at his skin.

“I’m gonna open myself up and then ride you till I’m sore,” he growled. Bruce jerked underneath him.

“Oh, yeah. Keep going then,” Bruce demanded, straining up to rub his cock against Tony's, chasing that feeling of sparks through his body.

Tony pulled back to regain his balance a bit and coated his fingers with more lube before sheathing them inside his own heat again. He moaned at the slight burn as he added a third finger.  It wasn't the easiest position to hold; he wasn't as limber as Bruce, but he was captured in the other man's gaze, watching Bruce watching him. The light from the reactor shone between their bodies, reflecting in Bruce's wide eyes.

Bruce stared at Tony in awe. He still couldn't believe he could have this. They could have this.

He strained upwards, trying to feel Tony's body against his everywhere he could. Finally it became too much.

"God, Tony , please!" Bruce begged.

"What is it?," the cocky bastard teased, smiling, his fingers still working. "What do you need?"

"I need - I need to be inside you. Now." Bruce growled.

"That can be arranged." Tony pulled his fingers out of himself, his hole ready and aching for Bruce. He picked up the condom he had thrown on the bed, quickly opened it and rolled it down Bruce's hard length.

Tony crawled forward so his knees were bracketing Bruce's chest, then reached back and guided Bruce's cock into his ready hole, slowly. Tony felt the stretch of his rim until the head popped in, gaining a gasp from both of them. Then he slowly fucked himself down until Bruce was completely inside him, completely filling him.

Tony let out a breathy moan, rolling his hips. Bruce saw the cockiness fade from his eyes, replaced with the realness that Tony let so few people see. "God I-I missed this. Missed you."

At the bliss in Tony's voice and on his face, Bruce couldn't hold back anymore. "Jarvis, release."

Tony's eyes widened, because Bruce didn't seem to be in any distress. And he clearly wasn't. Bruce's hands came down hard on Tony's hips, pulling him down as Bruce fucked up into him. Hard and rough. There was no fear on the scientist's face, only need.

The engineer leaned forward and braced his hands on Bruce's shoulders, digging his toes slightly into the mattress for better leverage. And then they both stopped holding back.Tony kept his eyes on Bruce's as their rhythm grew hard and desperate, the slap of skin on skin filling his ears and Bruce completely filling him.

Bruce's fingers dug hard into Tony's skin, wanting, needing to mark him. To know that Tony was his. He had no idea how much time passed like that, but suddenly the tight heat engulfing him was too much.

"Tony, Tony," he gasped. "I'm gonna-"

"Yeah. Yeah, do it. God, in me. Yeah," Tony babbled, his right hand moving to stroke himself hard and fast.

Bruce held Tony tightly against him, his hips stuttering as he moaned out his climax, Tony following shortly, crying out as his hand flew and he spent himself all over Bruce's chest.

Bruce's hands turned gentle, running softly up and down Tony's sides. Tony leaned down, resting his forehead against Bruce's, just trying to catch his breath.

"Yep," Tony breathed. "Best idea ever."

Bruce chuckled and leaned up to kiss him.

* * *

Tony woke around 5 am (5:13 exactly, Jarvis informed him), and gave up on sleep. His body was completely confused from jet lag, but that was nothing new. He shuffled quietly out to the kitchen, tying his dressing gown around his waist, trying not to wake Bruce.

He was sitting in the kitchen, nursing his second coffee and pulling up his work for the day on his Starkpad.

"Sir, I am sorry to interrupt, but seeing as you are alone, there is something you must know."

"Yeah, what?" Shit, was this it? News about Murphy?

"First, be aware that everything is completely under control. I have taken care of everything."

"Of what? Details. Now." Tony's hands stilled, his whole body stilled, tense and ready to attack.

"Yesterday I detected that one of one General Ross' men was staying several blocks from the tower, attempting to conduct surveillance on Dr. Banner."

"Give me everything you have." Tony flicked open a couple of holographic screens with his right hand. He found he couldn't actually move his left hand from its death grip on his coffee mug. He scanned the intel and tried to ignore the frantic pounding of his heart. "What did you do?"

"There may have been a mix up and this Captain Markus was accidentally flagged as a suspected terrorist. He is currently being held by Homeland Security. He did not obtain any intel on Dr. Banner. They will most likely release him in 48 hours, once the corroborating evidence finds its way back into their systems."

Tony was concentrating so hard on the screen that it took a minute to register. "Yesterday? You did this without telling me?"

"I was monitoring Dr. Banner the entire time. He was in no danger." Jarvis' voice was - contrite? Hell, it better be.

Tony kept scanning the data. Ross himself was in Seattle at a conference. Tony brought up a live feed of the bastard just to make sure. Once his eyes were on the man his heart stopped trying to beat its way out of his chest.

"You're not authorized to decide that!" Tony was trying not to yell. "To keep that from me! How did you do that? Your programming-" Tony finally managed to move his left hand and was now working on several screens at once, delving into Jarvis' code as well.

"I do apologize Sir. I have found that basing my actions on the imperative to protect you, to keep you safe gives me some leeway in making decisions, allows me to push certain boundaries."

Tony's first instinct was to change the code, prevent Jarvis from keeping things from him. Lock it down.

"You're evading your programming? You're only authorized to act if I'm in danger."

"There are many types of danger, Sir." At that Tony's hand stilled in the air. He stopped himself delving into the code. Would he really want to clip Jarvis' wings like that? Jarvis had always been there for him and was now going above and beyond in helping him with … everything. And this meant Jarvis was growing, evolving and Tony wasn't about to put him in a cage like a fucking pet.

He wouldn't do that.

That didn't mean he wasn't seriously pissed.

"Why did you decide not to tell me?" Tony sat back, picking his coffee up again, trying to remain calm. More information about Jarvis' motives could help him understand how he was evolving.

"I did not intend to keep anything from you, I simply believed it would best wait until you returned, as you could do nothing about it while you were on your jet, and I did not wish to increase your stress levels. I was confident I could handle the situation."

 Handle the situation? Tony wanted to handle the situation by jumping into the suit, finding Ross and having it out. Take out the threat once and for all. End it.

"Well, since it seems that you're the one in charge here," Tony sarcastically spat out, "what do you think we should do about this?"

"I would suggest forwarding all the information to Director Fury. He has made good on his promise to protect all of the Avengers. He would probably be able to handle the situation with a bit more tact that you would, Sir."

"Oh yeah? Tony growled.

"I would be willing to wager that currently you are debating whether to call up the suit and immediately launch a direct attack on General Ross."

"Uh, well…" Shit, J did know him too well. And he couldn't do that. It would cause 'problems.' Nick was better at diplomatic shit, making threats in a more subtle manner than Tony had ever managed. "Ok. Send Nick everything you have on this."

"That is a wise decision."

Tony heard some noise from the bedroom, and realized Bruce was getting up. _God, Bruce._

"Don't tell Bruce." He quickly switched his screens back to his new prototype.

"Are you sure, Sir?" Jarvis inquired. "I don't believe-"

"I'm sure.  It's an order. I'll tell him. I will. I just need time. More time."

Yeah, time to protect Bruce, time to deal with Murphy, time to protect the world from the next terrorist attack or alien invasion. Simple, right?


	29. Good Intel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One part of Tony's mind was registering gunshots - there must be some terrorists left on the ground - calculating the direction and intensity of the threat as bullets pinged off the shield over his head - but the other part -  
> \- the other part was panicking because Tony was pushed face down against the ground, with Steve's body, his enormous chest pressed against Tony's back, covering him, Steve was so fucking huge! - protecting him, trying to keep him from getting his head blown off, Tony knew that, he knew it, but his brain didn't want to listen to him.

Watching Tony across the conference table, Bruce could see how tired he was, though the engineer was hiding it behind tinted shades and his usual restlessness as Coulson ran down a list of current terrorist threats.

Coulson had been put back in charge of the team, which everyone happily accepted. As strange as it still was to see Phil alive, Bruce couldn't keep his eyes off of Tony. Something was wrong. Aside from the fact that Tony hadn't gotten much sleep. He keep stealing strange glances at Coulson.

Bruce tried to focus on what Coulson was saying. The biggest current threat was the theft of ballistic missiles which no group had yet claimed credit for.

"We're coordinating with the military and as soon as we have a location, you will be called in."

Tony was too quiet.  Bruce could read him by now, could see his worry. This was too close to reminding him of the things people had done with his weapons. The things Stane himself had done.

The billionaire clearly felt Bruce's eyes on him, because he looked up and gave Bruce a wink. Bruce nodded back, just trying to keep everything under control.

When the briefing finally ended, Tony felt nothing but relief. He let Bruce convince him to pick up some pizza from the organic place on the 16th floor and they took it to the lab.

After the news about Ross that morning and the briefing, Tony was itching to just lose himself in work, to feel like he was doing something. Move to the next level with the suits - he had a lot of ideas going - just do something.

Tony swallowed down his pizza hardly even tasting it. He looked down at the slice he was holding - god, was that spinach? Who put spinach on pizza anyway? He recalled the days he could down a whole meat lovers' pizza without a second thought. But his heart wouldn't put up with that anymore. Wouldn't put up with a lot of things.

"Tony, what's wrong?" Bruce queried. Tony looked up at his scientist, those warm eyes worried. Shit.

"Nothing. I'm just wondering why there's spinach on my pizza. Can they even call it pizza if it's so healthy?"

But Bruce wasn't having it. He was giving Tony that _look_. The "I see through your bullshit" look. Damn.

"What?" Tony sighed.

"I saw how you were staring at Coulson. Is there something…."

"It's just - you can't do that. Just not be dead. I mean- I'm really glad for Phil. Really." Tony was fidgeting, his leg twitching on the stool he was sitting on, his hands moving. "I have no idea what tricks Fury pulled to get him back, but I'm happy. And I shouldn't even be surprised after all we've seen. Shouldn't be surprised at all."

Tony bit his lip, eyes avoiding Bruce's. Bruce gently laid his hand on Tony's leg, trying to calm him down.

"But…" Tony's voice was softer now, hesitant. "But if, you know, people can just not be dead, that’s…I don't know. That's not…"

_Oh._ Of course. It was about someone that Tony needed to know was dead. Tony needed to know that the person who had hurt him the most was out of the picture. Forever.

"I'm pretty sure it's probably not a repeatable procedure, whatever it was," Bruce said carefully. "And you probably have to be just mostly dead for it to work." He tried a small smile.

Tony chuckled. "I don't know if Miracle Max was involved."

"Well, you never know with Fury," Bruce joked.

The engineer stuffed more pizza into his mouth, to keep himself from saying more stupid things. He knew he had to tell Bruce about Ross, he had to, but he just couldn't right now. He could feel Jarvis' silent judgment in the air around him.

When they finished eating Bruce glanced at the clock.

"Uh, I gotta go down to the S.I. labs. We're in the middle of-"

"Go on. Go. It's fine. I don't need a babysitter." Tony was trying not to be annoyed that Bruce still had a worried look on his face. "I have J anyway. He'll keep me in line."

"Yeah. Sorry. I know." Bruce pulled Tony close for a kiss before leaving.

Tony waited until Bruce was gone, then pulled up a few screens.

"J, load the specs for the Mark XXIV."

"Sir, I would really recommend getting some rest. Your jet lag-"

"Come on. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Just do it. And fire up the coffee machine."

"Yes, Sir," Jarvis answered. Tony figured J would probably tell on him later, but whatever. Right now he had work to do.

* * *

It was pretty late when Bruce finished up with the S.I. R&D team. It had been a productive day. But once he got into the private elevator that went to the Avengers' floors Jarvis informed him that Tony was still in his workshop.

"I am concerned. Sir fell asleep at his worktable for 63 minutes, but he woke from what seemed like a nightmare. He is still working."

"Ok," Bruce sighed. "Thanks for telling me. Can you have some dinner sent up? I'll try to get him to stop and eat."

"Of course."

Bruce found Tony in the middle of the workshop, sitting on a stool, with several screens open around him. He was completely lost in his work, hands moving furiously over the screens. Bruce walked over to him.

"Hi. I ordered some dinner up. Figured you hadn't stopped to eat."

"Good call." Tony just glanced at Bruce, then went back to his screens. "I had J do an initial render, but there's something I'm missing."

Bruce put his hand lightly on Tony's shoulder.

"Tony, let's take a break. You need some rest." He put his hand gently. on Tony's shoulder. "We can go up to the penthouse to eat."

Tony turned his head toward Bruce, but his eyes were everywhere but on Bruce's, and his voice was strained. "I can't. I _can't._ I can't rest with all of this… when we've got who knows how many alien races just waiting to wipe us out."

So it had been aliens that woke Tony this time. Bruce was almost glad that he remembered so little of that battle, except for catching Iron Man out of the sky. He'd seen what it was doing to Tony. Another thing that Tony hardly ever talked about.

Maybe pushing wasn't the right thing right now. Bruce took a breath to calm down, then picked up Tony's empty coffee mug off the worktable and went to refill it. When he set it on the table in front of Tony, the engineer looked down at it, then up at Bruce, his eyes unsure.

"Dinner will be up soon, but right now, where do you need me?"

Tony's face relaxed when he realized Bruce wasn't going to push. He picked up the coffee and took a sip. "Can you - there's something I'm missing with the rates in the vectored repulsor fields. Can you look them over?"

"Sure." Bruce pulled up a stool and opened his own screen. If this was the only way Tony would let him help right now, he would do it.

* * *

Tony had moved into production of the Mark XXIV and was currently attacking its chest plate with a wrench. This suit had an extra-large chest RT, and could create a repulsor shield for protection. At least that was what Tony was trying to do. But things kept going wrong.

Bruce was sitting and sipping tea while he watched his engineer. The scientist was so exhausted he was even thinking of trying Tony's coffee. He'd spent the day on S.I. work and then he and Tony had spent the night and now - he glanced at the clock - almost all day in Tony's workshop, while he carefully tried to make sure that Tony ate and futilely tried to make him get some sleep.

Bruce was almost at the point of threatening to go to Steve about it, but he knew that Tony would hate him for even suggesting that.

He heard a clank and Tony cursed again. _Ok, that was it!_ At this rate Tony was just going to hurt himself. Bruce walked slowly over and gently took the wrench from the engineer's hands.

Tony looked over at him. The dark circles under his eyes could have had their own zip code, and his t-shirt was full of grime and sweat and even spilled coffee. "What?"

"We need to rest." Bruce said gently. "Five minutes. Please. Just take five minutes." Tony opened his mouth to argue, but Bruce put up his hand. "Please. You're kind of freaking me out here."

Tony just stared a moment, then he nodded slowly and let Bruce lead him over to the couch in the corner. Bruce kicked off his shoes and curled up, opening his arms to Tony.

With a sigh, Tony climbed onto the couch and collapsed against the other man, resting his head on Bruce's shoulder, his arms wrapping tightly around the scientist. They were both pretty ripe from almost two uninterrupted days in the workshop, but it didn't matter.

Tony was trying to control himself, trying to hold back his fear. But he'd stopped working and the worry was invading his mind.

Dammit! He was fucking _Iron Man_ and Iron Man didn't get scared like this.

_Everyone gets scared, Tony._

He just couldn't hold it back, and it slipped out. Maybe it didn't matter, Bruce had already seen him at his worst now. And he was still here.

"Don't leave," Tony whispered, his voice small and tired.

Bruce held him tighter. "I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere." Bruce's hand stroked gently up and down Tony's back.

"Even if -" Tony shook his head and gathered himself, looking up at Bruce and forcing determination into his eyes . "I mean, I'll protect you. Against anything. Anything. You don't have to worry."

Bruce searched Tony's eyes. What was going on? There was definitely more than Tony was telling him.

"What's going on? Did something happen?"

Tony didn't want to see the fear on Bruce's face, that terror that came over him only when Ross's name was mentioned. But he had to tell him.

"Everything's under control," Tony started. "There's nothing to worry about, but-"

His words were suddenly drowned out by the alarm to assemble. _Fuck!_ Talk about shitty timing. The blaring of the alarm made Tony's head pound.

"Shit. I guess we gotta go," Tony said.

Bruce gave him a serious look. "Is is something that can wait?"

"Yeah, yeah. It's fine," Tony lied. "We'll talk about it later." Later, after whatever craziness they were about to face.

Tony stood up, just a bit unsteady, and pulled Bruce to his feet as well.

"Ok, Jarvis, time to suit up."

* * *

 

 

It was one of those battles that seemed to never end.

Coulson had ordered them to go after 4 terrorist cells that were planning an attack on the city. The Avengers were called in along with SHIELD because of concern that this group was the one that had stolen the missiles.

They'd spent all night and part of the day hitting the terrorists' hideouts, with Hulk smashing to his heart's content and listening to orders from both Tinman and Cap.

Just when they thought they could finally stand down, a fifth cell SHIELD had somehow missed launched its attack and they were called to midtown to stop a series of bombs from going off.

They'd disarmed three of the four bombs and Hulk threw himself on the last one, avoiding casualties. Hulk had also acted as a big green shield in front of the building that was the terrorists' target, a hotel housing members of the World Security Council.

Now Tony was on the tail of the last helicopter. He had to lead it away from the crowded area, then he could take it out. His repulsor blasts were driving it forward, down between the skyscrapers toward the water. If he could get it over the water he could shoot it with full power.

But suddenly Tony felt himself almost drifting; he shook his head hard as dizziness overwhelmed him for a moment. Shit. He was not in good shape here.

"Jarvis, give me more cocktail." The suit could do a lot, but it couldn't do everything. Tony had created a special mixture, bastardized some combat drugs, adjusted dosage, mixed with his own special ingredients (may have cribbed some things from Dad's super soldier notes, but he'd never tell). It was the only way he could keep up with the others in long battles.

"Sir! I must object! Your body cannot take any more."

The helicopter tried moving toward him but he shot two blasts across its cockpit and it changed course. It was going where he wanted it now.

"The fight's not over Jarvis. Gimme another shot."

"Sir, I strenuously object. It is not safe." He heard the cautious tone in J's voice. Not needed right now. There were more important things to worry about.

"Objection fucking noted," he shouted as he swerved to avoid the terrorist leaning out of the chopper and shooting at him. "Just do it! That's an order!"

Two arrows buried themselves in the terrorist's chest and he fell from the cabin, screaming as he went down. Tony turned his head and nodded to Legolas, who was perched on top of one of the buildings to the left.

He barely felt the prick of the shot when Jarvis finally obeyed, but after a moment he felt the energy flow through him, and he forced the helicopter out over the water, where there were no civilians around.

Repulsors on full, he aimed and fired. The helicopter crashed down into the water in a burst of flame. Tony hovered over the water, scanning for survivors and any civilians in the vicinity.

"Cap, chopper's destroyed. I'm not detecting any survivors."

It took another hour to scour the immediate area for civilians. Luckily, there were no serious injuries. Once SHIELD operatives began dragging the water for the wreckage of the chopper, Tony left that work to their capable hands and flew back to where the other Avengers were gathered.

He landed in the middle of the rubble where the rest of the team stood, and stepped out of the suit. He'd moved on from the suitcase model and could now leave the suit ready to step into at a moment's notice. Saved time and looked cool, he had to admit.

It had been a long, hard battle and Tony was hot and tired. He liked the feeling of the cold, dusty air on his skin. He smiled at Hulk who was sitting off to the left, his eyes following Tony. Steve, Natasha and Clint were standing in the middle of the street, among the debris from the bomb, discussing the battle. Coulson was over to the right with a bunch of SHIELD agents, giving orders.

Even in the middle of battle, Phil was decked out in his trademark suit. Nice to know some things hadn't changed.

He hoped the others didn't notice how hard it was for him to stay on his feet right now. His legs were kind of shaking. He could feel the extra adrenaline and other drugs making his heart beat too fast. The painblockers were starting to wear off too, pain and exhaustion starting to creep in the edge of his consciousness. He had kind of ricocheted off a building at one point.

Once Cap gave him the green light (he would play _nice_ this time and wait for the ok), he would take Hulk off somewhere private and wait out the change with Bruce, then they'd all go home.

Take a shower. And a nap. He was really fucking tired. J's mothering annoyed the crap out of him, but he did realize that he couldn't actually function on zero sleep all the time. Bruce had been right; they did need to rest. A nap was definitely on the agenda. Especially for Bruce, who was always totally wiped out after changing back.

Steve turned to Tony and smiled. "Great job with the helicopters." Tony was going to say something in reply, but suddenly Steve's eyes darted to the right and Tony saw Clint raising his bow - he heard Coulson shouting "Heads up!" - and the SHIELD agents on the perimeter raising their guns-

Tony had no time to get back into the suit. He quickly turned and tried to grab a gauntlet, but before he had a chance, Steve threw himself at Tony, dropping them both to the ground.

The breath left Tony's lungs in a huff and he was being pushed down into the rubble by a large, heavy body on top of him. Steve's elbow _thunked_ down into the rubble beside Tony's head and Tony flinched hard, closing his eyes, even though he realized, he understood, that Steve was holding his shield over both their heads to protect them.

His heart was pounding so hard it couldn't be good. Like it was revving up to explode.

One part of Tony's mind was registering gunshots - there must be some terrorists left on the ground - calculating the direction and intensity of the threat as bullets pinged off the shield over his head - but the other part -

\- the other part was panicking because Tony was pushed face down against the ground, with Steve's body, his enormous chest pressed against Tony's back, covering him, _Steve was so fucking huge! -_ protecting him, trying to keep him from getting his head blown off, Tony knew that, he _knew_ it,  but his brain didn't want to listen to him.

_Focus on where you are right now. Right now._

He tried. He really tried to focus on the cold winter air, the voices of the SHIELD agents, the rubble underneath him, but the reactor was being pushed into his chest, compressing his lungs, keeping him from getting enough air.

He couldn't move, he couldn't fight, though he knew he didn't need to fight Steve, he couldn't make himself believe it.

His heart, which was already pounding too hard, seized up and his mind decided to royally fuck with him. The sounds and sights around him disappeared and all he could focus on was -

_he was being held down, he couldn't move, he couldn't fight…he was helpless…. large hands were grabbing at him, holding him down…_

Tony couldn't breathe.

_He was trapped and couldn't breathe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all info on Tony's suits from the MCU wiki.


	30. In Good Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The suit closed around him and he was thankful it was quick because he didn't trust himself to be able to stand up right now. He felt the shaking taking him over. Fuck! The suit took off, and he was soaring up between the skyscrapers, Jarvis flying Tony back towards the Tower, because Tony was incapable of anything right now. Anything but trying to breathe.

Tony couldn't _breathe!_

Could. Not. Breathe. In that moment, he was no longer Iron Man, on a Manhattan street full of rubble with his teammate just protecting him from getting shot. It wasn't Steve holding him down so he wouldn't get shot. It was - he was back in that dark study, with that hand holding him down.

At some level Tony knew it wasn't real, he _knew_ it, but his mind wouldn't listen to him. He couldn't convince himself. His hands grabbed at the gravel and dust beneath him and he tried to breathe, trying so hard not to completely lose it.

"All clear," he finally heard Coulson's voice after what seemed like an eternity but was probably just a few moments. The body on top of him moved a bit, the shield moved away from his head and then Tony was kicking and scrambling forward - he had to, he had to get away- _get away!_

"Stark! You hurt? What is it?" he heard Cap ask. Tony crawled out from under Steve and managed to shakily get to his feet.

“Tony, what’s wrong?” Steve moved toward him but Tony jerked away and stumbled backwards, barely noticing Cap's concerned expression or Clint and Natasha staring at him, shock coming through the tiredness in their expressions.

Tony looked around frantically. He needed - he needed Jarvis. To get to Jarvis. The suit! The suit was right there, ready to go. He shakily stepped into it and gasped. "Jarvis, back to the tower, now. Scan everything, it's my heart."

The suit closed around him and he was thankful it was quick because he didn't trust himself to be able to stand up right now. He felt the shaking taking him over. _Fuck!_ The suit took off, and he was soaring up between the skyscrapers, Jarvis flying Tony back towards the Tower, because Tony was incapable of anything right now. Anything but trying to breathe.

He fought hard to hold onto reality, concentrate on the HUD but his mind wouldn't let him. It was pulling him back to that awful place. Where he was helpless. Where he couldn't escape.

_He could feel the leather of the couch in Obie's study pressed against his face. And hear that voice._

_“You see, it can be good. let me make it good for you…”_

_But it wasn't…it wasn't… it hurt…it hurt so much, and he was crying…_

_Obie was hurting him. And that hand was on his throat, squeezing. Cutting off his air-_

_How could he - how could he make it stop?_

He had to think, to focus on where he was. But oh God, he really couldn't breathe now. And his chest hurt. Really hurt. A sharp pain, much stronger than usual.

"Sir! Sir, please take deep breaths. Your heart rate is extremely-" Jarvis’ worried voice.

"It hurts!" Tony closed his eyes at the pain. "Oh - Jarvis - please," he whispered. He was no stranger to pain; he could do pain, he had a fucking Ph.D. in pain, but this overwhelming fear was too much. Worse even than in the cave.

"I am informing the team that you are in need of immediate medical assistance at the Tower. Arrival in 3.2 minutes."

Tony wanted to tell Jarvis not to tell anyone what was happening. But that part of his mind was being drowned in panic and pain, and he couldn't speak. And Bruce would be mad at him if he was having a fucking heart attack and didn't tell anybody.

_Bruce. You left Bruce!_

The other voice popped up in his head. But he couldn't pay attention to it. He was trying too hard to breathe. And it wasn't working.

"Why's it - why?" he sputtered to Jarvis.

He tried to move his hands to his chest, but Jarvis was controlling the suit and the arms were blocked. The suit was flying straight to the tower. Tony wanted to check the reactor. Why was the pain so sharp?

"Sir, your heart rate is at dangerous levels. The team is on their way, as well as a doctor from S.H.I.E.L.D."

After what seemed an eternity, flying higher and higher, he landed on the disassembly platform outside of his penthouse. He somehow managed to register that through the fog. The pieces of the suit quickly flew off him, and Tony stumbled into the living room, just making it to the couch before his legs gave out.

He collapsed onto the soft cushions, but the feeling of the leather under his hands was too familiar…

"You must try to take deep breaths. Please, Sir."

How? How could he take deep breaths when he was in such pain? When he was being held down. He was trapped. He didn't understand what was happening. He was shaking, shaking so hard, and he couldn't think.

"Jarvis, make it stop. Please." Tony pleaded. He couldn't clear the fog in his brain, the pain, the fear. It was overwhelming. His chest hurt, the reactor, had Obie taken it?

"Sir, take deep, slow breaths. Medical assistance will arrive in approximately 3.7 minutes. You must hang on. Listen to my voice. Remember what we discussed. That things could worsen before they improve."

Tony closed his eyes. That voice. Jarvis' voice. Through the haze in his mind, he remembered, at least he thought he did, times when Jarvis would hold him and make his nightmares go away. When his father wasn't around to call him a baby for being scared.

That was his safe place. The place he was supposed to go to, when he was afraid. With Jarvis.  Jarvis had told him that. Jarvis could help him. Could keep him safe. Tony didn't understand why he could hear him but not see him. Why wouldn't Jarvis help him?

"Where are you?" Tony croaked out. He realized as he said it that there was something really wrong with that question, but couldn't figure it out.

"Sir?" Jarvis' voice seemed unsure now. "Tony, are you aware of where _you_ are at this moment?"

Tony forced his eyes open and looked around the spacious, elegant room. Of course he knew this place, he did, but he wasn't sure. Everything was jumbled in his head, and the pain in his chest made it hard to think. But he could see that this place was too open. Too much space. Too easy to get into.

He needed to be somewhere smaller, somewhere safer.

Tony struggled to get to his feet, though the room was spinning around him. He managed to slowly stagger into the bedroom, knocking over a lamp in the process.

"Sir, do not move! You should be still! Your heart, Sir stop!" Jarvis was calling him, actually shouting at him now.

Tony couldn't answer. He stumbled forward and found a closet. The doors slid open automatically and he half-stumbled, half-crawled inside, his legs finally giving out on him, crashing down to his knees on the soft carpet. It was still a huge closet, but it seemed smaller, safer.

He huddled against the wall, under some suits, the fabric brushing against his hair. His hands were clenching into fists of their own accord, because of the waves of pain wracking him. God, it hurt! And he was so afraid. He couldn't think.

"Keep him out, Jarvis," Tony gasped. "Don't let Obie in."

"Sir," came the calm, authoritative voice. "He is not here. I assure you, you are safe. Help is on the way. Please try to take deep breaths."

Deep breaths? He tried, but the pain was so great. He tried again and somehow managed to get some air into his lungs.

In. And out.

In. And out. Like Bruce had showed him.

"Sir - Tony! Tony, where are you now? Look around and tell me where you are."

"I- I'm" He was trying. He was. Tony forced himself to focus on what he was seeing. The shoe rack, the suits. Dress shirts. Ties. A purple button down shirt. He recognized that shirt.

 After a moment the fog seemed to clear a bit. He understood, he did, that Obie wasn't there. Couldn't be there. Tony knew that he couldn't be there. He tried to breathe again. In. And out.

"That's better, Sir. Much better. Deep breaths." Jarvis was talking to him. The A.I. Not the butler, of course. Of course. He _knew_ that.

In. And out.

In. And out.

_You're hiding in your closet, you idiot._

That voice in his head. The reasonable voice. The voice he was supposed to listen to. The voice that helped him.

 _Yes_ , Tony nodded to himself. He _was_ hiding in the closet. His closet. In his penthouse. Stark Tower. _Shit._ what the hell was happening to him? Was he completely losing his mind?

"I'm home. The tower?" He whispered, still not completely sure.

"Yes. That's correct. That's very good,” Jarvis said. Jarvis was with him. Jarvis was there.

Tony felt another sharp pain in his chest. Was it his heart? Was the reactor malfunctioning?

"Sir, Agent Romanoff has arrived," Jarvis informed him.

"Tony?" He looked over and saw Natasha standing in the doorway to the closet, her face and hair still full of dust from the battle. Tony was slowly returning to reality but couldn't help automatically trying to scramble backwards, his body acting before his mind caught up with it, and his heart jumping even more than before.

Natasha looked at Tony. "It's me. Just me." She said softly. "I brought a doctor."

Tony heard Jarvis' voice getting more insistent, talking over her.

"Tony! Sir! You must listen to Agent Romanoff and let the doctor assist you. It is imperative!"

_Let Nat help you, you idiot._

"Tony," she said, "can I come in there?" Tony tried to nod, must have, somehow, because Natasha moved  carefully to stand in front of him.

He looked up at her. "It-it hurts." He forced himself to move his hand to his chest to show her.

"I know." She knelt down and slowly held out her hand. "Come into the bedroom with me. Let Dr. Rodriguez check you out."

"I - I don't-" He didn't want anybody to see him like this. He couldn't.

 "It's a woman. Just me and her in the room. I promise. No one else will get in if you don't want them to." Her face was serious and he knew that he could trust that promise. He knew she was strong enough to keep anyone and anything out.

"I'll stay with you."

She didn't touch him, just waited for him to move. He nodded, or at least he thought he did, he must have because Natasha put an arm around him and helped him get up.

"Ok, just-" She used her sleeve to quickly but gently wipe Tony's face. Had he been crying? "Ok. You're good," she said softly. He leaned against her as she helped him into the bedroom, guiding him to lie down on the bed.

The doctor was standing to his left, by the bed, setting up equipment. He caught a glimpse of curly brown hair and an air of competence.

“Tony,” Natasha said seriously, “this is Dr. Rodriguez. She's good people." Natasha looked Tony in the eyes. "You can trust her. She's my doctor.”

Tony wanted to answer, wanted to say something, but the pain was growing and he really couldn’t breathe. His head was spinning. His eyes closed and he just lay there, shaking and trying to breathe.

The doctor was asking him questions but he couldn’t understand. He heard Jarvis and Natasha answering for him.

Something was put over his mouth and he startled, opening his eyes. It was an oxygen mask. He concentrated breathing in and, yes, after a few moments, it was a bit better. That was helping.

“Tony,” Nat’s insistent voice cut through the fog in his brain. He turned his head and saw that she was sitting on the bed next to him. “You have to answer Dr. Rodriguez.”

It was clearly an order. He didn’t argue. He turned his head to the left and looked at the woman in the white coat. She had physical monitors around her as well as screens Jarvis must have pulled up, showing his heart rate and other vitals.

“Mr. Stark. Where exactly is the pain?”

He found he couldn’t speak, so he pointed to his chest.

“And when did it start?”

Tony looked at Natasha. “When you flew off?” she asked. He nodded. Jarvis answered for him.

“Approximately 10.3 minutes ago. Sir?" Jarvis asked. "Do I have your permission to share your medical information with Dr. Rodriguez? It is of utmost importance Sir."

He would say no, he always said no, didn't want anyone having that information, especially somebody who worked for S.H.I.E.L.D., but the thought floated through his head that this would be a really fucking stupid way to die - because of a panic attack. If Widow trusted this woman…

_You have to…_

"Ok," he managed to croak out. He couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore and just let them close. Everything became a grey haze, with the doctor and Jarvis’ voices in the background, but his breath was coming better than before.

He felt hands on his chest and tried not to flinch.

“She needs to do an EKG," Widow’s voice managed to get through to him. "I'm right here. I'll watch over the reactor. We're going to cut off your t-shirt so she can hook it up."

He felt hands on his t-shirt and heard the sound of scissors. Felt cold air on his chest. Tony flailed blindly in Natasha’s direction with this right hand, and she grabbed hold of it. He held tightly, and had to force himself not to bring his hands up to cover the reactor. A horrifyingly embarrassing whine rose in his throat.

"You're ok. You're ok, Tony." Natasha said, holding tightly to his hand.

"Sir, everything is under control. You are in no danger. Dr. Rodriguez is highly qualified. An expert in cardiology."

Tony breathed a bit more at that. Jarvis was here. Jarvis would protect him. The doctor’s hands were gentle, and her voice was calm.

"Mr. Stark, I'm just placing the sensors. 10 more seconds and we're good to go." Finally her hands moved away and then he heard her asking Jarvis questions, but couldn't really follow.

“…episodes of tachycardia … past hour. …display a chart…" Jarvis' voice.

"…monitor everything?" The doctor’s voice.

He faded out for a while again, he didn't know how long, then heard Natasha's voice in his ear.

"Tony, hold your left arm still. The doctor's gonna hook up an IV." Natasha was still holding tightly to his right hand. He felt a small prick in his arm.

"The pain should ease a bit with this," Dr. Rodriguez said.

He wanted to stay awake, didn't like the idea of leaving himself in a doctor's hands, no matter how highly recommended. But it was too much. And after a while he started to feel whatever drugs she gave him working.

But wait, there was something he had to know. Something important. He summoned the last drops of his strength to force his voice to work.

“Br-Bruce?” He gasped out.

“Clint’s with him on the Quinjet. He’s fine. They’ll be here in 10.” Natasha supplied. He heard Jarvis talking to the doctor in the background.

The pain was starting to ease, and he was breathing better. He felt Natasha's hand still holding his. He gave a squeeze and she squeezed back.

And then, finally, the darkness took him down.

* * *

 _Shellhead hurt! Hurt!_ Bruce fought against the angry growling in his head, fighting for consciousness. _Help Tinman! Help Tony!_

Bruce was fighting to come back, but suddenly felt like the Other Guy was giving him the reins.

“Hey, Doc. Bruce,” Clint’s voice. “Come on back. Come on. Come back.”

He was coming back but the yelling in his head continued. His pounding head. He finally opened his eyes and found himself on the floor of the Quinjet, bracing his hands on the floor. An angry roar left his mouth as he watched the green draining out of his arms.

Clint was crouching in front of him, his face full of dirt. He was holding out sweats for Bruce to put on.

“Tony?” Bruce gasped. He started moving slowly; everything was aching and it was like he was moving through gray sludge.

“Nat’s with him. At the tower. There’s a doctor working on him. He’s in good hands. We’ll be there in 5.”

Bruce took the sweats and started dressing. He was so tired he could hardly move, but Tony needed him.

“What happened?”

Clint shook his head. “Not sure. Looked like a bad panic attack.”

Panic. Bruce’s head was fuzzy; it had been such a long battle. Tony was scared, hurt? The images weren’t clear. Bruce tried to remember, and after a moment it was like a door opened in his mind. The Other Guy was letting him in.

He saw the whole scene: Steve throwing himself on Tony as a terrorist started shooting at the group, holding his shield over both their heads to protect them. Clint let two arrows fly and the man went down. After a moment Coulson was saying “All clear.” Tony scrambled out from under Steve as fast as he could. The glimpse Bruce got of Tony’s face before he stepped into the suit was absolutely terrified.

As soon as he could stand, Bruce went to the control panel and connected to Jarvis. “Jarvis, what’s happening?”

Jarvis showed him live video of Tony, and the charts of his vitals. Extreme anxiety and clear signs of arrhythmia. Episodes of tachycardia. Shit, Tony had ordered Jarvis to inject _what_??? Bruce tried to understand as much as he could before they landed, then he let Clint help him to the elevator, because he wasn’t too steady on his feet.

Clint stayed behind in the living room and Bruce went into the bedroom. He found Tony asleep, his chest bare, the reactor light fighting with the light from the monitors and holographic screens that the doctor was working on. Natasha was on the bed next to him, staying close.

"Dr. Banner, I'm Dr. Elena Rodriguez from S.H.I.E.L.D." She held out her hand. Bruce stiffened but Natasha got up to stand next to him.

"You can trust her. She has high clearance. And she's worked with me since I … came over." Bruce's eyes widened at that but he shook the offered hand. The woman was about his age, with curly hair held out of her face, and quick intelligence in her dark eyes.

“Can I  - can I stay with him?” Bruce gestured to the bed.

“Of course.” Dr. Rodriguez looked at him kindly. “He’s resting comfortably. I’ll be checking in every hour. Sleep is recommended more than anything right now.” The doctor stepped back from the bed, consulting her Starkpad, and continued asking Jarvis questions.

Bruce nodded, and basically fell onto the bed next to Tony. He pulled off his shoes but that was all he was physically capable of.

He tried to be still next to Tony, not to jostle him. He watched the engineer a moment, just staring at his chest moving up and down, the light from the reactor, the strength of his heartbeat.

Bruce couldn't help himself. He reached out and touched Tony lightly on the shoulder. Somehow the touch got through and those illegally long lashes fluttered slightly. Those honey eyes fixed on him for a moment.

"I'm here. Right here," Bruce whispered to him. A small smile flashed quickly across Tony's face and then his features went slack. He was out again.

"Bruce," Bruce turned to Natasha, who was holding a bottle of water out to him. He drank gratefully. God, he could hardly keep his eyes open. He wanted to know what was happening to Tony. He wanted to help, but he could hardly move.

"Was it panic or-?" He managed to ask, finishing the water and haphazardly letting the empty bottle drop to the floor. He lay down again, trying to keep his eyes open.

"I seemed like a bad flashback. I brought him back, I mean, he knew where he was when he fell asleep. He understood what was going on, I think. I promised him I wouldn't leave," Natasha said. Through hazy vision Bruce saw her cross the room to curl up in an armchair close to Tony's side of the bed. "You can rest. Jarvis and I'll keep watch."

"I- thanks. I really, don't think I can stay awake."

"It's ok," she nodded at him. "The Other Guy worked for 24 hours straight. You need to recover."

"If he needs me, if anything changes, wake me. Right away. Please." She nodded.

Bruce kept his hand on Tony's arm as he let sleep take him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all medical mistakes are mine. All I know is what I see on Grey's Anatomy ;)
> 
> And I chose the doctor's name before finding out that "Elena Rodriguez" is a character on Agents of Shield - which I am several seasons behind on. Forgive me.


	31. Good Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A holo-screen appeared in front of the bed, and through his blurry vision, Tony could make out the rest of the team.  
> Clint, still in his dirty battle gear, was stretched out along the couch, fast asleep. Coulson, still in his suit was sitting in an armchair and talking quietly to the doctor, who was on the matching armchair, sipping coffee. And Steve-  
> Steve was sitting on a kitchen stool that had been dragged over right next to Tony's bedroom door, his head propped on one of his hands. He looked exhausted, his perfect young face creased with worry.  
> “You scared us all pretty bad. We’re all here," Natasha said. "And Steve hasn’t moved since he got back. He said he won’t leave his post until he sees you’re ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A nice long chapter! :D

Tony cracked open his eyes a bit. Some awareness was returning but whatever the doctor had given him was still working pretty well. He felt floaty – not afraid – a good, calm floaty. The pain was there, but damped down a bit.

He wished he didn’t have to be there when the drugs wore off.

Tony could see monitors and IV to his left.  Feel the warmth of Bruce curled up against him on his right side. He turned to look at the other man, dirty and rumpled and dead to the world, but wrapped around Tony’s arm like he would never let go.

“J?” Tony whispered, his voice slurring.

“I am here, Sir, keeping watch. Everything is under control.”

“Here, Tony,” Natasha’s voice, whispering. She was standing by the bed, holding out a glass of water with a straw in it.

He managed to prop himself up on his elbows enough to get the straw in his mouth, and drank gratefully, while she held the glass. Bruce didn't move next to him.

“Enough?” Natasha asked. He nodded, he thought, through the fuzziness, and she pulled the glass away. "Dr. Rodriguez is checking on you every hour. I told you I wouldn't leave."

Tony flopped back down and reached out his hand to touch her wrist. She met his eyes.

“Thnx.” He managed to get out. “You – without you. Woulda been. Been worse. Thanks.”

“It’s ok. I told you we got your back. How do you feel?” She looked tired and worn.

“Hmm. Nice n’high,” he answered.

“Do you think you can stay awake for just a minute? I want to show you something.”

“’ll try.” He forced his eyes to stay open.

Widow smiled at that. Actually smiled. “Jarvis, can you pull up the feed of the living room?”

“Of course.” A holo-screen appeared in front of the bed, and through his blurry vision, Tony could make out the rest of the team.

 Clint, still in his dirty battle gear, was stretched out along the couch, fast asleep. Coulson, still in his suit was sitting in an armchair and talking quietly to the doctor, who was on the matching armchair, sipping coffee. And Steve-

Steve was sitting on a kitchen stool that had been dragged over right next to Tony's bedroom door, his head propped on one of his hands. He looked exhausted, his perfect young face creased with worry.

“You scared us all pretty bad. We’re all here. And Steve hasn’t moved since he got back. He said he won’t leave his post until he sees you’re ok.”

 _Shit_. Tony remembered flinching away from Steve, Cap’s shocked face. After Steve had saved his ass.

“Not ‘is fault. Tell’m.”

“I did. I’ll tell him you said it too.” Tony watched the screen another moment. The team was there. Protecting him. He couldn’t really process that, but it didn’t feel bad. They were watching out for him.

Tony turned his eyes back to Natasha. “You can go.Uh - stand down. Rest. Sleep. Got Jarvis. ‘n Bruce,” he tried to smile at her, but his face didn't really feel normal.

“I am monitoring you carefully Sir and will immediately alert Dr. Rodriguez should there be any problems.”

“Ok. I’ll take a break. But you go back to sleep. Remember, we got you.”

Tony nodded and closed his eyes. He didn’t know if it was the drugs, but he swore he felt her pat his hair before she left the room. His eyes closed and he leaned into Bruce’s warmth.

***

When Bruce finally woke up, Jarvis informed him it was afternoon. Tony was still asleep beside him, and his heart rate looked good.

Bruce had Jarvis pull up additional screens, running over the entire incident for him. He was just getting around to analyzing Tony’s “cocktail”, when he heard Jarvis address the engineer.

“Good afternoon, Sir. It is 3:45 pm on Monday, December 16, 2013. Dr. Rodriguez has been monitoring you every hour. The team is right outside.” Bruce turned and saw Tony blinking blearily.

Tony looked around him. Bedroom. Monitors. Bruce beside him.

The calm feeling from the medication had dissipated and he was left with aches everywhere. Especially his chest and left shoulder, and a cold dread in his stomach. He reached his hands up to his chest; he needed to feel the reactor. Make sure it was there. But he was still attached to the monitors. The wires. He didn’t like that. Too reminiscent of the wires on the battery.

No, he didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t want to think about anything. He reached to pull off the sensors. But he was so weak, he couldn’t even do that. Bruce’s hand landed softly on his.

“It’s ok. I’ll do it.” Those warm eyes focused on him. "Just breathe, ok?" Tony nodded. “Jarvis, please inform Dr. Rodriguez that I’m removing the sensors.”

"Of course, Bruce. I will keep monitoring Sir's vitals."

Bruce began to gently pull off the sensors, while Tony concentrated on breathing. As he watched Bruce work, he realized that someone had removed his dirty clothes and dressed him in pajamas. They were Bruce’s pajamas, because Tony didn’t actually own any. Usually slept in band t-shirts and boxers.

The pajama top was unbuttoned to leave the arc reactor free, the blue light bright as it always was. Tony started down at it, just to make sure.

Finally Bruce was done and he placed his hand lightly on the reactor. Tony looked over into those eyes. He needed – he needed to feel Bruce near.  Closer. He started to turn on his right side, all his muscles aching, almost refusing to work, his left shoulder burning. He groaned at the feeling.

“You’re ok right now. Your heart’s beating regularly. There was no permanent damage.” Bruce gently took Tony’s left wrist. “Careful with your IV. I got you.” Tony finally managed to turn on his side and Bruce’s arms wrapped around him, so gentle. Tony rested his head in the crook of the scientist's neck and gripped Bruce’s sweatshirt with his right hand. Bruce pulled him even closer.

“God, you scared me,” The scientist gasped. "You really scared me. And the Other Guy." Bruce’s voice came out almost as a sob.

“I thought – “ Tony managed to speak. “I thought he was here. Or I was there. I don’t know.” Tony didn't cry; he felt like he had no tears left.

“You're not. You're not. You’re safe, here with me. Safe." Bruce was stroking his hair now, so gently. "We're at the tower. Team's right outside. Everybody's here with you."

Tony felt more clearheaded, but some fear was back - not the fear of Obie, he knew where he was now, when he was, but fear of what had happened. That he could freak out at any time. He could hardly believe that had happened.

That was _not_ ok.

He and Bruce lay there for a while, just holding on to each other, Bruce cradling Tony in his arms, holding him tight.

"Jarvis, what - what the fuck was that?" Tony finally ventured. "What happened to me?"

"I am afraid, Sir, that this would fall under "getting worse before getting better," as I warned you could happen. But I must admit, I was unprepared for the - extent of your reaction."Jarvis' voice was worried. Tony remembered hearing actual fear in Jarvis' voice the day before. "I do believe that it was exacerbated by your over-use of the pain blockers and your special cocktail in the fight."

"And when you're a bit better, we're gonna have a talk about that cocktail," Bruce warned.

"Yeah. I figured you told on me J."

"So Dr. Rodriguez could figure out what was going on," Bruce admonished, pulling back a bit to look Tony in the eye.

"Whatever. In any case, it fucking sucks." Tony's eyes were serious, as serious as Bruce had ever seen them.

"I'm- I'm supposed to "identify" my feelings now," Tony rolled his eyes, then turned more serious. "Well, I'm scared here. I'm fucking- I feel like I'm fucking losing my mind." Bruce's grip on him tightened.

"Sir, if I may speak to that?"

"Yeah," Tony took a breath. "Sure. Go ahead."

" I can assure you, you are not "losing your mind". Your - reactions - though worrisome, have all fallen within normal parameters for persons in your situation."

"My situation. My - "he took a deep breath. He felt something, some strange feeling rising to the surface in him. "I mean, you can - You can say what that is. We can say it." Tony had already said it, and he found that he wanted to know if he could stand hearing it.

It felt _wrong_ to keep bullshitting, tiptoeing around things. It was starting to piss him off.

"Of course, Sir. Normal parameters for people who were sexually abused as children."

 _Fuck_. There it was. And, again, somehow, the world was still standing. Bruce was exercising his amazing ability to have no reaction to something, which Tony greatly appreciated at this moment. The scientist's face was calm, not revealing anything. His eyes remained warm.

"Right. Right. So a lot of people freak the fuck out?"

"Every individual is different, of course, but this is not out of the ordinary."

"Great. So I'm just average crazy."

"I would never dare suggest anything about you was average, Sir." Jarvis snarked, and Tony loved him for it. He felt Bruce squeeze his hand.

"We will schedule considerable time to discuss this later, as currently Dr. Rodriguez is requesting entry."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get grounded for a while, so I think we'll have plenty of time," Tony sighed. "Let'er in. Bruce, help me sit up," Tony asked, Bruce hearing the embarrassment in his voice. He knew Tony hated being injured in any way.

Bruce added a few pillows to Tony's and helped him prop up against them. Tony weakly smiled at him.

The doctor came in holding a Starkpad and one of Tony's protein shakes. She gave Tony a professional smile, not giving much away. "Mr. Stark, Jarvis informed me you were awake." She walked over to Tony, deftly putting the shake down on the bedside table, not attempting to hand it to him. Natasha must have briefed her on Tony's quirks.

One point for the doctor, Tony thought.

"I think we'll start with liquids. I've reviewed the ingredients and it should have no adverse effects."

Tony reached over and picked up the shake, just then realizing he was kind of starving. It felt cool and wonderful going down his throat.

Dr. Rodriguez turned to look at Bruce. "I'm sorry, Dr. Banner, but I need to speak with my patient alone for a moment. I have some questions to ask."

"Of course," Bruce moved to get up, but Tony put out a hand to stop him.

"He can stay." Tony tried to put all his strength into his voice, but he didn't have much right now.

She gave him a hard look. "I'm the doctor, here, right? My rules. That's the way this works."

"It's fine, Tony," Bruce soothed. "She's right. You should have some privacy. I'll get something to eat. Check on the others. It's fine."

Bruce waited until Tony nodded at him, then stepped out of the bedroom and almost fell over Steve, who was still on the stool right outside the door. He looked rough, still in his Captain America uniform from the battle.

Steve blinked at Bruce and took a moment to focus. "Bruce! How's Tony?"

"He'll be fine. He needs a lot of rest, but he'll be ok."

Steve stood up on shaky legs. "I don't understand why he flew off like that. He looked like he was terrified. I don't know what I did-"

"It's not your fault, Steve. It has nothing to do with you. It's other stuff. Old stuff." Bruce placed his hand on Steve's shoulder. "Looks like the adrenaline from the fight triggered a panic attack." Bruce knew Tony wouldn't want him telling Steve this, but the man had been there, had seen him, understood something was really wrong. "Listen, as soon as the doctor's done I'll convince him to let you come in, ok? So you can see for yourself."

Steve nodded. "Ok. Thanks. Listen, you should eat. Coulson had a buffet set up in the kitchen. There's practically anything you could want."

"I will. But only if you come with me." Bruce kept his hand on Steve's arm and guided him toward the kitchen. Passing through the living room, he saw the rest of the team. It looked like they had all showered and slept except Steve. Natasha was out cold on the couch, her feet propped in Clint's lap.

Coulson was asleep in an armchair, his suit somehow perfect even in sleep.

* * *

Tony took a final sip of the shake, then set it back down, his shoulder aching with the movement. The doctor was illustrating Tony's vitals to him, explaining what had happened to him after the battle, with Jarvis jumping in when he felt needed.

"As you can imagine, I had to do a full physical examination. You have some extensive bruising on your shoulder."

"Felt that. Yeah. I kind of ran into a building." Tony tried to call up some of his bravado, but it seemed to have left the building. He forced himself to speak normally. "And my heart?"

"I've been monitoring you every hour since last night. You can see from these charts that the arrhythmia has not represented, so for the moment I believe it was triggered by your overuse of adrenaline and the other ingredients in your 'cocktail'." Oh boy, she was definitely giving him a judgy look now.

Tony just concentrated on remaining calm. His heart was fine, now. Right?

"Your…" the doctor glanced up at the ceiling, "Jarvis informed me of the extra stress to your system, something I would highly advise against in future."

"Well, you know, I can't really take a time out in the middle of a battle to rest. I'm not a supersoldier. I'm not "enhanced." I gotta find my own ways to keep up." She just met his defiant gaze with a calm, unflinching look. "You gonna ground me?" he sighed.

"We will certainly be having some long discussions about how you can boost your combat performance without putting so much stress on your heart. We'll discuss how long to ground you based on your progress. For now I'm ordering at least two days bed rest."

"Oh come on-" Two days rest would be torture.

She picked up her Starkpad and began tapping at the screen. "Mr. Stark, I've been briefed on your tendency to ignore doctor's orders. And I'm afraid you won't get away from me so easily. I've been assigned - _oh_." She stared at the screen, seemingly in shock.

"What?" Was there something else wrong that he didn't know about?

"Apparently Director Fury himself has assigned me exclusively to your care for the next week." She looked at him, a spark of triumph in her eyes, along with surprise.

 _Crap._ He was screwed, then. Though, to be honest with himself, he didn't really feel he could get out of bed at this moment even if he wanted to.

She tapped a bit more at her tablet, then looked at him again. "However, before I continue; it wasn't possible to do this yesterday, but now that you are more clearheaded, I would like to ask you if you officially wish for me to treat you. It is your choice."

That left Tony speechless for a moment. Holy shit. Somebody from SHIELD was actually asking his permission for something, instead of barreling right over him (or tasing him into submission)? He might actually be starting to like this doctor.

And she had already seen so much of him that he usually kept secret, he certainly wouldn't want to have to explain any of that to another doctor. And he knew that Natasha's trust was an almost impossible thing to come by, and this woman had gained it.

"Yeah. Ok. Yes, I do."

"Good." Her face relaxed a bit. She put the Starkpad down directly on his lap.  "If you can just sign right there, Mr. Stark, you will officially be my patient."

Tony signed with his finger, then handed the Starkpad back.

"Enough with Mr. Stark, come on. You can call me Tony. I mean, after what you saw-" He waived his hand toward the closet, and then it all finally clicked. God, he was out of it if he hadn't put that together before.

_She'd seen him. She'd seen him freaking out and fucking hiding in his closet._

"Oh shit, you saw me, you know…oh shit! Oh god, what do you need?" He felt himself hyperventilating and babbling like an idiot, but he couldn't stop it. "Anything. You want a private jet, your own island, anything if you just don't tell SHIELD… tell anybody. Oh god. I can buy you your own country if you want-" 

"Mr. Stark, Tony, look at me," she said calmly. Tony forced himself to meet her eyes, feeling his face too hot and a churning fear in his stomach. "My first duty is to my patients. I take confidentiality very seriously. Yes, I have to report on your physical health. Your physical injuries that could affect your performance in battle. That is all."

Tony swallowed. "And what will you report?"

"I will probably report that due to certain 'malfunctions' in your suit, you received excessive doses of adrenaline causing a temporary arrhythmia. I will not report on the other issues unless I believe you are a danger to yourself or others."

"Oh. That's…acceptable." It would have to be.

"Good. Now I have a few questions about those other issues. I need to ask these questions, but if you wish to turn off your surveillance, I will not be writing down your answers. That way you can be certain they won't be on record anywhere."

Tony blinked at her. "Uh, yeah. Ok. J, code 364-Delta."

"Activated, Sir."

"Ok. We're alone, and all internal and external surveillance is blocked." Tony gingerly crossed his arms, across his aching chest, trying to quell his nerves.

The doctor pulled an armchair over to the bed and sat down, bringing her down to his level, so she wasn't standing over him.

"Please understand that these are questions I would ask any patient in a situation like this. I have no intention to embarrass or upset you. And nobody will know anything you tell me right now." Her voice was sincere, and he kept reminding himself that this was somebody Natasha trusted.

Tony nodded reluctantly.

"As I said, it was necessary to conduct a full physical exam to check for injuries. And in doing that I noticed you have bruises that are clearly not from the battle."

He followed her eyes to his arm, where the scratches he'd made could still be made out, if you looked carefully. And he was sure he still had bruises on his hips from Bruce's hands the other night. But, he looked back up at her concerned face. Did she think-?

"I have to ask you, right now, are you in any danger, from anyone? If you are, Director Fury and I can ensure you are protected, from anyone. No matter what you tell me."

Did she think that _Bruce_ was hurting him? That Bruce could…? No, he couldn't let her think that, even for a second. Even if he had to be honest, no matter how embarrassing it was.

"No. No," he said clearly, as calmly as he could. "No. Absolutely not. I'm not in danger. I mean, aside from crazy aliens and your occasional mad supervillian or terrorist." He lifted his arm a bit. "This…this was me. I was having a…bad day."

"Ok," she said carefully. "I believe you."

He forced himself to meet her eyes again. They were clear, open. Not calculating. She was being real, and expected him to be real back. God, that was hard.

She glanced down towards his hips. "And the rest?"

"Totally, completely consensual. Absolutely. It's not…it's not now. This crisis, this _stuff,_ it's all", he waved his hand, "old stuff. It's, uh, shit that happened a long time ago, decided to fuck with me now. I don't know why."

She nodded again, solemnly. "Can I ask if you are seeing anyone about it?"

"Actually I am. It's been a couple of weeks now." Wow, he'd actually been in therapy with "Dr. Jarvis" for several weeks. Longer than any shrink he'd ever seen.

"Good. If you need any recommendations, I can-"

"No. No," he shook his head vehemently. "I'm good. Thanks but I'm good. I know you've probably got access to the records, you know that I don't really do shrinks. But this one is working, I think."

"That's good to hear. Can I have one more question?"

Tony shrugged. At this point, what did it matter.

"Does your partner know? About, whatever it is?" She looked at Bruce's side of the bed.

"Yeah. Yeah- He's kinda the one that's been holding me together. He's been amazing."

That was an understatement. Tony didn't know how, but it seemed Bruce was literally gluing him back together every time he fell apart.

"Thank you for answering my questions, Tony. And, I'm Elena." Tony finally noticed the tiredness around the doctor's eyes.

"So, wait, it's been, it's been a whole day, right? Are you good? They feeding you and stuff? You know we can get you anything you need here."

"Your team has been very hospitable. And I have been put up on one of your guest floors. And Agent Coulson has had a buffet set up out in your kitchen. I'm being well taken care of."

"Good. Good. Look, I wanna - uh - thank you. For yesterday. You're not the one of the usual SHIELD assholes I have to deal with."

"You're welcome," she grinned, then surprised him with, "You're not exactly the asshole you're made out to be either."

"Well, you know, never trust what you read in the tabloids."

"I will admit, though, if you really feel you must bribe me, I'll take an unlimited supply of that coffee Captain Rogers gave me.

"Steve's coffee? Of course. I'll get you a lifetime supply."

* * *

Bruce ate, then went down to his floor to shower and change. He found Tony and the doctor talking calmly when he went back into the bedroom. Tony actually smiled at her before she left the room.

Bruce noted that Tony had finished the shake, and there seemed to be more color in his face.

"What do you think of the doctor? Did she pass the Tony Stark test?"

"She's ok. I understand why Natasha likes her."

"Ok," Bruce said, unable to conceal his surprise. Tony tried to shrug, then grimaced as the pain in his shoulder grew. He realized he had another problem.

"Can you help me, uh, gotta pee."

"Of course." Bruce managed to help Tony to his feet, feeling how weak Tony was and how Tony had to hold on to him to stay upright. Bruce helped Tony man oeuvre the IV with him to the bathroom and back, then tucked Tony back in bed, propped up on the pillows.

Bruce realized something else that might make Tony feel a bit better.

"What would you say to a sponge bath?" The scientist tried to wiggle his eyebrows and failed miserably. Tony smiled at him.

"I'd say yes, please. But only from you."

"Good. But first, I think you should let Steve see you for a minute. I know you might not want to see him right now, but he really needs to see that you're ok."

"I know I should, but… I don't know." Tony knew he must have freaked Steve out, but he didn't relish the thought of Cap seeing him like this, with all his defenses down. Maybe getting ideas about grounding him longer than the doctor would.

Bruce looked at him a moment. "The whole team was worried. Natasha and Clint slept on the couch out there. Coulson too. And you should know that Steve hasn't moved from right outside this door since he came back here. Coulson and I forced him to eat something, but he hasn't changed or slept."

"Natasha showed me."

"Tony, I know. I get it. But he really cares. And you could have a little compassion for him."

"For him? The perfect hero that everybody loves?"

Bruce gave him one of those looks. The looks that always gave Tony pause, cutting right through his bullshit. "Think about what he went through. I know that if somebody dropped you off 70 years in the future, you'd have a great time, but it's not so much fun for him. Everything he knew is gone. Everything. The team is all he has now."

"Well, when you put it like that I do kind of come off as the asshole."

"He just wants to see you're ok. 5 minutes."

Tony sighed. He did want to reassure Steve, and thank him for not letting him get his head blown off. "Ok." His hands went to button up the pajama top. Bruce immediately understood what he was doing, and helped him cover up the reactor.

"Let Captain Perfect in."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI - I'm going on vacation for a couple of weeks (I live in Europe where people can actually do that!), so I'll be updating at the end of August.


	32. Good Meal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We are a team. When you're in trouble - any kind of trouble, you turn to your team. You don't just run off.” Steve sighed. “Look…I know we fight a lot, we see a lot of things differently. But that doesn't matter. I need you to understand that. I need you to not do that again. If you try and do that again, I will ground you so fast your head will spin." Steve’s tone was that of the lecture Tony was expecting, but the things he was saying, Tony hadn’t expected that.

Steve was standing at the end of Tony’s bed, disheveled and dirty. Bruce had told Tony, but Tony hadn’t really thought about it; there was too much to think about. But now he could see that Steve actually hadn’t even showered after the battle. He was still wearing his dirty uniform.

Cap had spent a whole day right outside of Tony’s door, just so he could see that the engineer was ok. Bruce kept telling him how much Steve cared, and Tony couldn’t deny it with the evidence right in front of him like this. But he didn’t really know how to deal with it. Shit, this was probably another thing he’d have to talk to “Dr.” Jarvis about.

“Tony,” Steve’s voice was only concern. “How are you feeling?”

"I'm all in one piece. See?" Tony gestured to himself, trying to hide the discomfort he felt at letting Steve seem him like this, trying to cover it with his usual snark. "Nothing to worry about. But the doctor's probably gonna ground me for a while, so you'll have plenty of time to lecture me."

"Lecture you?" Steve sighed and his face changed, hardened a bit. "Tony, when you're feeling better I'm gonna kick your ass!”

Tony blinked at that, shocked. He felt Bruce’s hand grab his under the blankets and squeeze. Trying to keep Tony calm.

Steve was staring at him, almost shaking with anger, or was it anger? Tony was too shocked to understand it. Then Steve spoke again.

“We are a team. When you're in trouble - any kind of trouble, you turn to your team. You don't just run off.” Steve sighed. “Look…I know we fight a lot, we see a lot of things differently. But that doesn't matter. I need you to understand that. I need you to not do that again. If you try and do that again, I will ground you so fast your head will spin." Steve’s tone was that of the lecture Tony was expecting, but the things he was saying, Tony hadn’t expected that.

"Shit." Then Steve's shoulders slumped and he lost his "Captain America" pose. He just looked tired and afraid. And so fucking young. "Sorry. That came out wrong. Really. I'm sorry. I didn’t mean… You just - what I meant - I mean - " His eyes were full of pain, and the words were wrenched from him.

 "I'm _not_ losing anybody else. I'm _not_." Steve pointed a shaking hand at Tony. "You got that? This team is not losing anybody."

Tony opened his mouth, but for a moment nothing came out. He couldn’t answer that. Tony knew about Steve's friend Bucky, hell, he'd seen the Smithsonian exhibit and TV specials about them. But he'd never really thought about how it must be for Steve. Losing everybody.

"I- yeah." Tony finally said, looking down at his lap, sheepish, his voice soft. “Ok. I get it. I do.”

Bruce sat silently next to Tony, fighting the urge to comfort them both. He strangely felt kind of like a parent watching their two kids make up. He knew he had to let them work things out on their own.

Bruce motioned for Steve to sit down at the edge of the bed and Steve sat, giving Bruce a small nod. Then he turned his gaze back to Tony.

“And, I'm sorry, for whatever I did. I didn’t hurt you-?" Steve earnestly asked, reaching out as if he wanted to touch Tony, but stilled his hand.

Tony shook his head sharply. "No. It's not- It wasn't you. You saved my ass. Thanks for that."

“No need for thanks. That’s what we do. You’ve saved my ass countless times. I just wish you could understand. You don’t have to be…I mean, it doesn't matter how much we fight, Tony. We can fight every day and I'll still… when you need me, I'm here.  I really wish you could understand that.”

Tony swallowed and nodded. Being real with Cap was something he did not want to do here, not at all, but he could try. “I’m trying. Listen, it wasn’t your fault. “It’s…when it happened, I didn’t really know where I was. My heart…the adrenaline. I was…confused. That’s why I flew off. I didn’t understand you were you. But I'll - uh - try not to do it again.”

Steve nodded. "That's all I can ask. That you try to remember you're not alone in this anymore. Just, I wish you could tell me-"

Tony shook his head at the earnestness in Steve’s voice, his eyes wary. "No. No. I'm not talking about it. I’m not gonna share, ok? Just know, it’s old stuff. Nothing to do with now." Tony hoped Steve would assume it had to do with Afghanistan, and not push. He was not talking about this stuff with Steve. No way.

“Ok. Ok. I can respect that. But-“ a bit of that Captain America determination came back into Steve’s voice – “you will listen to the doctor.”

Tony gave Bruce a look then turned his head back to Cap. “Seems like I have no choice, with everybody watching over me here.”

“We’re worried about you. You’re important to us. I meant what I said at Thanksgiving. There’d be no team without you. I’m good at leading. But you – you hold us all together, really. You too important to be benched because you hurt yourself ignoring doctor’s orders.”

Tony’s eyes widened. That was it; he had to be dreaming here.

“Gosh, Cap,” he joked, “you’re gonna get me all teary-eyed.”

Steve gave him a reluctant smile at that. “Ok. I’ll stop. But, whatever you need, please, just let me know. I really… I just want to help."

Bruce watched Tony as Steve talked; he seemed to be actually listening. Bruce hoped that some of it was actually getting through.

There is one thing.”Tony tried for a lighter tone, this conversation was kind of painful. “You can hook your coffee guy up with Doctor-" he turned to look at Bruce.

"Rodriguez. Her name is Dr. Rodriguez." Bruce smiled indulgently.

"Done," Steve said. “Absolutely.”

"And you can go get some sleep," Bruce told Steve. “Otherwise I’ll have Dr. Rodriguez ground _you_.”

Steve nodded and turned to leave, when Tony remembered something.

“Wait.” Steve turned back. “You got food, right? Did you get Natasha’s favorite brownies? She stayed – she stayed all night. All day? I wanted-“

“Caramel fudge with sea salt? Yeah. Jarvis reminded me. I had 3 boxes sent up. Nat’s sleeping now but I’m sure she’ll find them when she gets up.”

“Thanks. She was…she really…” Tony met Steve’s eyes and actually saw understanding there.

“Yeah, I know. She’s something else. We're lucky to have her on the team.”

Steve left and Tony turned to look at Bruce. “Well, that was weird.” Bruce smiled softly. He was still holding on to Tony’s hand.

“I told you, he cares.”

“Yeah.” Tony thought back to the footage of all the Avengers waiting outside his bedroom while he was sleeping. "So, uh, you may have, kind of been right."

"What was that?" Bruce joked. "Jarvis, can you save a recording of that to my files?"

Tony chuckled. "Ok, ok, enough with the mushy stuff. Come on, slave, I demand my sponge bath." He clapped his hands like an emperor ordering his bidding be done.

Bruce got up off the bed and gave Tony a little bow. "As you wish."

As Bruce disappeared into the bathroom to gather towels and soap, Tony brought up a screen with the news channel playing on low volume. He finally realized he hadn't asked J something important.

“Jarvis, when I … lost it yesterday, did – did the press get anything?” That would be just what he needed, him acting crazy again plastered all over the news.

“I have been monitoring all broadcasters. One station did manage to get some footage of you flying off, Sir, but when they uploaded it, somehow a virus infected their systems and the footage was destroyed. Nothing was reported but the successful mission. And footage of the 'Other Guy' protecting civilians.”

“Somehow the footage was destroyed?” Tony smiled. He moved to sit up against the mountain of pillows Bruce had given him, grunting at the pain in his shoulder.

“Yes. It was very unfortunate.” The engineer smiled at the layers of sarcasm and sass that the AI managed to imbue into one sentence.

“Well…thanks buddy. For everything. Sorry for scaring you.”

“No need to apologize. It was not your fault. Though I was very concerned, Sir. There was a moment when I could not get through to you, you were not aware of where you were." That was an understatement.

“Yeah, I remember. Unfortunately I remember the whole damn thing.” Strangely, he did. Remembered Steve pushing him to the ground, completely freaking out, then flying off to the tower and even hiding in the closet. God, he’d even asked Jarvis where he was at one point.

“I was unsure of how to proceed.” The worry in Jarvis' voice was loud and clear.

“No, you did everything right, J. Like always. You brought me out of it. You brought me back. Like you always do. You kept at me until I started to listen to you."

"I am glad, Sir. I am also pleased to see how much the team cares about you. I believe Captain Rogers is right. You have given them all a home here."

Tony didn't know if they all thought of the tower as home. But after the Battle of New York, he figured that the others were probably loathe to live in SHIELD barracks or the helicarrier, and he knew the tower was a good place to hide from the errant media.

He'd seen the immediate effects of having a safe place to stay on Bruce, and hoped that it was helping the others just as much.

"I also approve of Dr. Rodriguez."

"Yeah. She seems ok. So, I told her I was "seeing somebody" about this stuff. I guess that means you're officially my shrink now. Sorry about that." Tony shook his head. Of all the things he imagined he AI would be, that was not one of them.

"No need to apologize Sir. None at all. I am the one who offered, and I am glad to assist you in any way I can. I am pleased that you trust me enough to speak to me about these things."

"I do, J. I trust you with everything. Even if that's too much sometimes."

"I may not have shoulders, Sir, but I can bear a great deal."

* * *

Bruce had large, warm hands, and when they touched him, Tony felt tethered to the earth. To Bruce. Not falling. Not floating away. Not drowning.

Here. Here in his bedroom/makeshift hospital room, being tended to by his own very hairy but very hot nurse. He even managed to find the strength to make a few jokes about that.

Bruce seemed pretty practiced at this sponge bath thing. He'd put a towel under Tony and helped him take off the pajama top, having Jarvis raise the temperature a few degrees so Tony wouldn't get cold. He started off with dry shampoo on Tony's hair; at the best of times Tony could hardly stand getting water on his face. But Tony already felt a bit better as Bruce started to comb the dry shampoo out of his hair.

Bruce's free hand was on the back of Tony's neck, gently running his fingers up and down Tony's skin, something he knew Tony liked. The engineer was pliant and calm under his hands. Bruce leaned down to kiss him gently, then said, "Let's do your back first."

He helped Tony turn over, trying not to wince as he saw the extent of the bruising starting from Tony's shoulder and extending down his back. Bruce tried to be extremely gentle as he used a soapy cloth to clean Tony’s skin, then wipe it off with a wet cloth and dry him off with a towel.

He helped Tony roll back over and gently worked on his left arm and shoulder. Tony moved to put his hand over Bruce's and Bruce froze.

"What is it? Did I hurt you?" Those warm eyes looked up in alarm.

"No No. It's-" Tony looked down. This mushy stuff was really embarrassing, but he wanted to say it. Needed to say it. "I love your hands."

Bruce placed his free hand on Tony's chest, beside the reactor, his fingers warm on the engineer's skin. "Tony," he whispered softly. Tony forced himself to look up. The scientist's eyes were so warm, so real, Tony almost couldn't handle it. "I love touching you. Always."

Bruce kept showing him that, holding him, touching him, helping him. Maybe Tony could try to believe it.

As Bruce washed Tony's chest, the man let out a tired huff. His eyes were already half-closed. Bruce hoped he would relax enough to sleep a few more hours.

Bruce wiped the washcloth carefully around the reactor, fascinated by the blue light as always. He still couldn’t believe it sometimes, the amount of trust Tony had in him. Nobody had ever trusted him like that. Let him get that close.

Tony finally closed his eyes; he could relax a while. Bruce was there, touching him, his hands warm and careful. There was a tower full of Avengers looking out for him. J was there, always. A voice in the back of his head told him there were plenty of things to be worrying about, but right now – just for right now – he would let them go.

By the time Bruce finished the sponge bath, Tony had fallen back asleep. Bruce managed to get the pajama pants back on him, and just pulled the blankets up to his shoulders to keep him warm.

Bruce took the towels and basins back to the bathroom, cleaning everything up. He caught a glimpse of his reflection, noting his own serious dark circles. He was lecturing Tony about taking care of himself, but he should listen to his own advice.

Just one more thing he wanted to do. He rummaged in the closet till he found the suitcase Tony had used for his Japan trip. The stuffed Hulk was still at the bottom of it. Bruce grabbed it, then tucked it in next to Tony as he crawled into bed beside him.

Bruce closed his eyes and listened to the engineer's breathing, synching his own breaths until sleep came.

* * *

The room was dark when Tony opened his eyes. Even without Jarvis' confirmation, he realized it was night. And he was starving. He was surprised that his stomach growling didn't wake Bruce, who was sprawled out on his back, snoring away.

Tony saw the Hulk plushie on the bed next to him, and picked it up without thought. squeezing it in his right hand.

"J, can you ask my jailer if I'm allowed to eat some real food?" He managed to sit up without pulling out the damn IV. At least he now smelled of sandalwood soap and not endless days in the workshop and the suit.

"Dr. Rodriguez will be up in a moment to check on you. She says she is having some food brought to you."

"Thank god." Now that his brain seemed to be working better, he was itching to pull up the specs of the Mark XXIV and try to figure out where he was going wrong with the repulsor shield, but he knew if the doc or Bruce caught him he'd get scolded like a child.

He knew they were trying to take care of him, but it was annoying. Resigned, he had J pull up a couple channels with the news again.

There was some good footage of the Other Guy protecting civilians. He would have to show that to Bruce. They reported the Hulk taking the brunt of the explosion. Even the media were starting to like the big green guy. Tony knew that could turn on a dime, but the positive comments would definitely make Bruce feel better.

Dr. Rodriguez came in and started checking his vitals. "Jarvis told me you got more sleep. That's good."

"Not like there's much I can do right now. But food? Pretty please?"

"It's coming," she smiled. And true to her word, after a moment the door opened and Clint walked in carrying a tray.

"Delivery for the patient," The archer joked. Elena took the tray from him and carefully placed it on Tony's lap. Tony looked down to see another shake and a plate of what seemed to be chicken and rice. He'd love a cheeseburger but he knew he wasn't gonna get it.

"You guys still out there?" he asked Clint. "I’m not actually dying you know."

"Yeah. We know. Steve is on his floor finally getting some sleep. Coulson had to go back to SHIELD. So, Nat and I are just taking advantage cuz your floor has the best stuff." Clint gave him a small, but real smile.

"Nat get the brownies?" Tony asked, his mouth full of rice. It was probably pretty flavorless but it tasted wonderful.

Clint nodded. "One box already down."

"Good. If she wants more or, you know, whatever she wants-"

"Yeah. I know." Clint nodded. "I'll leave you to it."

The archer left and Tony concentrated on eating. When the doctor finished typing away on her Starkpad, he decided to pounce.

"So, why SHIELD?"

Her eyes widened a bit, but she answered. "I know you have had some…differences with SHIELD. I didn't choose to help SHIELD. I chose to help the people that work for SHIELD…. People that risk their lives every day for what they believe in. I don’t necessarily blindly believe in ideology, but I believe in them."

Damn, she wasn't even gonna give him one reason to dislike her.

She moved to the screens and continued talking while scanning them. “You know, I was on the helicarrier, during the battle of New York. So, I might have made it. I don't necessarily believe Fury when he says you haven't invented warp speed yet." At that she turned and gave him a look he couldn't really decipher.

"But my sister and her three kids, and my dad…my coworkers, my friends, they wouldn’t have. I am very lucky that somebody was willing to risk themselves, to take a trip that they were probably not going to come back from, to save us all.”  

Tony cleared his throat, which was kind of thick. He swallowed. “It’s the job. It – it was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do.” He looked down at his food, willing those memories not to come back to him right now. Miraculously they didn't.

“I know. Those are the kind of people I work for."

Tony forced himself to look up and saw that she was smiling. He followed her eyes, which were glued to the Hulk plushie, which he'd transferred to his left hand so he could eat with his right.

"I can't help wondering…no," she shook her head. "Sorry, it's none of my business."

"I'm not exactly known for being reserved. Go ahead." He welcomed the change in subject.

"I’ve seen a lot of things, but this is… What's it like? It's got to be … interesting. I mean, do you get along with…" Her eyes went back to the stuffed Hulk. Her voice was light, interested, not judgy.

"The Other Guy? Yeah, actually. He … I think he really loves me. He’s not just anger. We've been studying his reactions, his learning. It's really interesting."

Tony looked over at Bruce, his own personal green rage monster. He put down his fork a moment just to touch Bruce's arm, remind himself that Bruce was still there.

* * *

Bruce was surprised to find that he slept through the evening and entire night, waking early in the morning. He supposed he still needed to recover from being the Other Guy for so long during the battle.

As Tony was still asleep, he went out to the kitchen, and was sitting and drinking tea when the elevator opened. Steve was standing there, clearly having just finished his morning run.

"Hi Bruce. Jarvis said you needed me?"

"I called Captain Rogers here as I have news that I believe both of you should hear. It is what Sir wished to discuss before the call to assemble interrupted you the other day."

Bruce immediately concentrated on his breathing as Steve came to sit next to him.

"I feel I must tell you, as it involves my actions, not Sir's. He had no knowledge of it until it was done. But it is important you know. And as team leader, Captain Rogers should know as well."

Bruce figured Jarvis also did not want him alone, when he heard whatever it was. Bruce had a sinking feeling about the words that he was going to hear from the A.I. And he was not wrong.

"Firstly, I assure you the situation is completely under control. But it concerns General Ross."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have such a hard time writing Steve.
> 
> Just want you all to know I think this is gonna be a long journey. I have the plot all planned out, and chapters written here and there. Thank you all for sticking with me!
> 
> Amazing [art](http://ganetart.tumblr.com/post/150260268782/commission-for-trammelsb-a-beach-scene-from-her) of Tony building sandcastles has now been added for Chapter 24. Check it out!


	33. Good Kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That's - that's like always." Tony didn't care that Steve was sitting right next to him. Bruce had to know this. "I mean, even if you get sick of me, run off to India or wherever, don't want to be an Avenger anymore. I'm always gonna do everything I can to keep him away from you. Even -" Tony waved his hand, "even if you run off to fucking Asgard."  
> Tony squeezed Bruce's hand, hard. "I'll always protect you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a horrible day today, but keep creating people! Edited to fix typos.

_Ross._ Just hearing the name made everything turn green. Bruce was breathing, but he could see nothing but his own fear swirling in front of him.  He tried to hold on, his hands digging into his thighs, breathing. Breathing.

"Come on, Bruce," he heard Steve's voice. "Breathe. Just breathe. Everything's ok." He felt Steve's hand gently on his arm. "I got you."

Bruce tried to focus, and saw that in his other hand, Steve was holding out one of the sedative wristbands Bruce and Tony had designed for times when it was too dangerous to risk letting the Other Guy out.

“Do you need this?”

Bruce nodded, holding out his wrist and letting Steve place the wristband on.

“Jarvis, level 2 dosage. Just - gimme a minute before you tell me the rest.”

“Yes Bruce.” He felt the slight prick and waited a few moments for the sedative to start to work. His heart was pounding so hard. So hard.  “I assure you everything is under control. There is no danger.”

Tony had been about to tell him this, whatever it was, when the alarm to assemble had gone off, what seemed like a lifetime ago but was only - 2 days?

" _Don't leave,"_ Tony had begged him. So scared.

But just the name, just hearing the name terrified Bruce. Terrified him. Turned him into an impotent lump of fear, setting off the urge to run as far away as he could.

 _No leave!_ The voice in the back of his head. It wasn’t just howling rage. It was clearly worry and something more.

_No leave Shellhead!_

_No,_ Bruce said back, in his head. _We won’t. Never._

Bruce kept breathing. Kept breathing, even though he was shaking. He had to listen to what Jarvis had to tell him. Steve’s hand was still gently on his arm. Bruce slid his hand up until he was gripping Steve’s hand as hard as he could.

“I’m right here, Bruce. Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it. I’m not going to let anybody threaten my team. I won’t let him near you.”

Bruce had to remind himself that things weren’t the same as the last time he crossed paths with Ross. He wasn’t the same. He had Tony. He even had Captain America himself  sitting on a kitchen stool in front of him, those blue eyes worried.

Tony had told him, over and over again, from that first day they met, that he would protect Bruce from Ross. Bruce knew that. He knew it.

_He can’t get you. He can’t._

He wasn’t alone. He had people that were willing to fight for him. It was just so hard to remember when this fear was flooding him.

“Bruce, look at me, come on.”

He opened his eyes and met those looked at those blue ones. The perfect blue eyes of Captain America. The hero of his childhood fantasies, who he’d so often wished would come and save him from his father.

And now Captain America – Steve – was one of his best friends. And was here to help him. Things were different now. He had to remember that.

Bruce took another deep breath. He felt the drugs working - a special mix he and Tony had worked for months to perfect. The fuzziness was creeping into the back of his head, and he felt his muscles start to relax. He kept hold of Steve’s hand.

“I…ok Jarvis. What happened?” He kept hold of Steve’s gaze.

“When Sir was on his way back from Japan, I found that an operative of General Ross’ was staying several blocks from the tower, and attempting to conduct surveillance on you, Bruce. The man did not get near you. I can show you the logs of all the messages I was able to obtain between this man and Ross.”

Jarvis went on to explain that he had the operative – Captain Markus – picked up by Homeland Security on suspicion of terrorism, thanks to Jarvis.

“And now, where is he?” Bruce gasped out.

“After they released him, he returned directly to Ross to report. He did not get near you, I assure you, Bruce.” Jarvis affirmed.

“What was he looking for? Ways to get to me?” He heard his voice full of fear, though it seemed to be through a fuzzy veil.

Jarvis pulled up screens with the texts and emails between Ross and Markus and Bruce and Steve looked them over. The two men had discussed ways into the tower and their intention to conduct surveillance of the entire team. They wanted to find specific places that Bruce was seen at.

The scientist was not surprised. He had never believed that Ross would give up on getting to him. Taking him. Ross always thought that Bruce was a monster – a monster that he owned somehow, that he had the right to.

Bruce groaned, feeling dizzy, his stomach cramping.  He pushed hard at the memories threatening to flood his brain. He couldn’t go there. He couldn’t.

“Nobody threatens my team,” Steve said, his voice clear and strong, his hand squeezing Bruce’s. “Nobody. I will not stand for this.”

“I am always monitoring the situation, Bruce. Ross cannot get near you without us knowing well ahead of time. And, on Sir’s ok, I have passed all of this information on to Director Fury. He  is currently handling the situation," Jarvis supplied. "I am very sorry Bruce. Please do not blame Sir. I took action without notifying him."

Bruce was about to ask another question when Tony’s voice came unexpectedly.

"I was gonna tell you.” Bruce turned to see Tony standing in the doorway of the kitchen, well, more precisely, leaning against the doorway to hold himself up, the other hand gripping his IV stand. Bruce could see the engineer was trying hard not to show how worried he was in front of Steve.

"I know I have no excuse for not telling you. I know, but Fury's on it."

Tony noted the stark fear in Bruce’s eyes and the sedative wristband. He tried to take a step forward, but faltered, his legs almost giving out on him. He was feeling a lot better than the day before but was still so fucking weak. Just getting out to the kitchen had worn him out.

Steve moved lightning fast and was suddenly beside him, his large hand supporting Tony's elbow, holding him up.

“Let me help you to the couch?”

Tony took a breath and looked over a Steve. He wasn’t freaking out right now. He had to trust himself a little. He nodded.

Bruce got up slowly and followed as Steve helped Tony to the couch and even put some pillows behind his back, making sure his IV wasn’t tangled.

“I think we should all meet with Fury directly about this," Steve said. "It's a team issue too." Cap looked at Tony, who nodded at him. Bruce found himself agreeing.

Bruce tried to just keep breathing while they got Fury on a secure connection and set up a meeting for Friday. He could hardly believe it as Fury looked directly at him and said, "Dr. Banner, remember what I said. I don't like it when people mess with my assets. That includes you."

They closed the connection and Tony took Bruce's hand. "You see. Ross can't get near you. He won't. I - we won't let him. You know Fury's scarier than I am."

Bruce took a shaky breath, his eyes moving from Tony to Steve and back. "I know. I know now that you, that none of you would stop until you found me, if the worst happened. Again."

"That's - that's like always." Tony didn't care that Steve was sitting right next to him. Bruce had to know this. "I mean, even if you get sick of me, run off to India or wherever, don't want to be an Avenger anymore. I'm _always_ gonna do everything I can to keep him away from you. Even -" Tony waved his hand, "even if you run off to fucking Asgard."

Tony squeezed Bruce's hand, hard. "I'll always protect you."

Bruce saw Steve smiling at that. He knew what Tony was saying was true, saw the earnestness in Tony’s eyes, but that fed into his other fears. That Ross would come after Tony or after his friends, his teammates to get him. Hurt the people that he cared about.

What did this mean? Would Bruce have to stop leaving the Tower? Go back to living like a wanted man? It was too much to think about.

All of a sudden, even with the sedatives working, there wasn't enough air in the room. Bruce pulled his hand from Tony's and got shakily to his feet. Tony shot him an anxious look.

"I-I need a minute. Sorry, it's - I just need a minute."

Tony watched Bruce run from the room as if Ross was literally on his heels. Tony wanted to get up and run after him, but his body wasn't cooperating with him on that wish. He still felt too weak.

He looked at Steve and cleared his throat. "Could you-?"

Steve nodded quickly. "I'll check on him. Are you good?"

Jarvis answered before the engineer could. "I will keep monitoring Sir, Captain Rogers. And Dr. Rodriguez will be coming up in 30 minutes to check his vitals."

"I'm fine. Go."

Steve nodded, then was gone.

* * *

After Jarvis let him out on his floor, Bruce paced around for a while, before ending up curled in a ball on the couch. The sedative was keeping the Other Guy at bay, but it didn’t stop the pain and fear running through him. He was trying not to let his thoughts, his fears, run away with him, but he finally just let the tears flow.

“Bruce, Captain Rogers is at the door, asking if he may enter,” came Jarvis’ voice.

Bruce realized Tony had probably sent Steve after him, and he couldn’t blame him for it. He sat up and wiped his eyes.

“Ok. Let him in.” He blinked, trying to focus well on Steve as he walked in the room. The supersoldier sat down carefully next to Bruce on the couch. He was holding out a package in bright wrapping paper. Bruce looked down at it, confused.

“This is supposed to be for tomorrow, but I think you need to see it now.”

 _Tomorrow_? The drugs were making him a bit fuzzy. He didn’t know what Steve was talking about.

“It’s-um- December 18th tomorrow. Your birthday.” Bruce’s eyes widened. That was absolutely the last thing he would have thought about at the moment. “I was going to give it to Tony because, well, I guess it’s off now. I ruined the surprise,” Steve admitted sheepishly. “He told me he had a bunch of stuff planned in Malibu for you. Said he even cleared it with Fury that you could take the Quinjet there. You were supposed to go today.”

Tony had planned things for his birthday? Tony had _remembered_ his birthday? Bruce felt a smile come to his face.

“It’s ok.” Bruce told the supersolider. Steve was looking eagerly at the present, so Bruce gently tore open the wrapping paper. He pulled out a photo album – the kind with sticky pages that people used when he was a kid. But it wasn’t filled with photos.

It took him a moment to figure out what he was looking at. It was filled with drawings. Kids drawings. All of the Other Guy.

“I told the kids at the shelter that Hulk’s birthday was coming up.” Bruce looked up to see Steve smiling at him. The Maria Stark Foundation funded numerous shelters, not just in New York, and Steve spent a lot of his free time volunteering at one of the nearest ones.

Bruce had gone with him a couple of times. Watched Steve giving art lessons to homeless children and teenagers and helped out in the kitchen or wherever they needed him. It calmed him, reminded him he could give back, could continue doing what he’d been trying to do for the past few years.

Bruce turned back to the album and started looking through the drawings. Some were stick figures clearly done by small children, and others were more detailed. They were all beautiful.

There was Hulk smashing aliens, of course, scenes from the Battle of New York, but also a picture of Hulk rescuing a kitten stranded in a tree, Hulk saving a school bus full of kids – that had happened last year when they were fighting off Doom’s latest upgrade to his Doombots.  And there were even a few drawings of Hulk eating an enormous birthday cake. Hulk surrounded by kids.

The Other Guy as a hero.

He turned the page and saw a letter written in green crayon.

_Deer Hulk,_

_Thank you for smashing the aliens. I was scared and you smashed them good. Do you have a big cake? What color is it? Green like you?_

_Lov, Jason_

At that, Bruce felt tears falling down his face again, but these were something strange, coming from an unusual feeling. It could even be called happiness.

“I think kids are smarter than adults. They know the Hulk’s one of the good guys.” Steve said. Bruce felt Steve’s hand gently on his back, a comforting weight.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Bruce said, wiping his face, staring down at a drawing of Hulk giving a little girl a piggy-back ride. “Thank you Steve, for this. This is amazing.”

It really was.

* * *

Tony tried to fight against that voice in his head. He wanted so badly to go after Bruce, but he was still so weak. Damn his traitorous body.

_You messed up again! You can’t do anything right!_

“Sir, I believe everything is under control. Bruce has now let Captain Rogers enter his suite and he seems to be calming down.”

“Ok. Ok.” Tony sat there, wishing he could hit something. Hit somebody. The damn tears were threatening again.  He looked down at the stupid IV line, just more proof of how weak he was. With his right hand he tore out the needle, then kicked at the IV stand. It fell over with a satisfying crash.

“Sir…” came the concerned voice from the ceiling.

“I-I fucked up again, J. _Again_.”

“I do agree that it was unwise not to tell him immediately,” came that calming voice. But it didn’t calm him. He wanted to get into the suit and go shoot up everybody that was threatening them.

“I know. I know. But now he’s mad at me.” All Tony could think of was the possibility of waking up and finding Bruce gone – run off back to India or wherever.

People left. That’s what they did.

At least that’s what they had always done to Tony.

He heard J speaking more, but wasn’t listening, lost in his fears. Finally, he heard J call him, “Tony – Tony?” The AI was going into shrink mode.

“Yeah,” Tony forced himself to answer.

“Just because Bruce is angry with you, that does not mean the end of everything. It does not mean he will leave.”

“You don’t know that.” J knew a lot but he couldn’t know everything.

“In  relationships, it is normal to have arguments, disagreements, problems. And then you work to overcome them.”

“Yeah, but I’m not so good at that part.” Tony looked over toward the kitchen. He wanted some coffee. Really, he wanted some scotch, but J would tell on him if he did that, and even he could see it wasn’t a good idea.

“That is not necessarily true. What about Lt. Colonel Rhodes?” Jarvis prodded

“What about Rhodey?” That caught his curiosity.

“I have seen you argue with him many times, even coming to blows.” That was an understated way of referring to Tony trashing his own house to push Rhodey to fight him and take the suit. He’d been dying, and he had to know he was leaving Iron Man in good hands. Had to know that Rhodey would do what it took.

“And then you have “made up” and moved on with your friendship. Repeatedly.”

Tony thought about what Jarvis was saying. He had to concede that J was right about that. Even after everything, Rhodey was always there. Even though Tony had made a shitload of mistakes with Rhodey too.

Tony was still mulling that over when Dr. Rodriguez entered the penthouse. She was not happy about him ripping out the IV, but didn’t give him too much trouble.

He reluctantly let her help him back to bed and check him over.

“Have you eaten this morning?” Tony shook his head, lost in his worries. He heard her tell Jarvis to send up some breakfast, but wasn’t really listening, just curling his arms around himself and trying not to cry.

“Tony?” Her concerned voice cut through his thoughts. “Did something else happen?”

He sighed. “Just an argument. I don’t know.” He shook his head.

It would be ok. It _had_ to be.

Elena checked him over, then announced that she would be grounding him from missions for at least two weeks. Tony wanted to argue, boy did he want to, but he didn’t have much ground to stand on.

She did concede that he could do non hands-on work, so after she left he pulled up some screens to work on finishing his design for Steve’s new uniform, a new, lightweight armored fabric that would defend him better. Tony was concentrating on that to push away the fear threatening to crush him.

He was concentrating so hard he didn’t hear Bruce’s footsteps, but looked up when he heard his voice from the doorway of the bedroom.

"I'm not leaving." Bruce stood in the doorway of Tony’s bedroom, taking a moment. The worry was there, floating around Bruce, but not tearing at him. Of all the things flowing through him, he knew one thing – he did not want to leave Tony, and he wouldn’t let Ross drive him away. Never. He had to let Tony know that.

With a flick of his wrist, Tony closed the screens and just forced himself to sit there calmly, waiting for what Bruce had to say.

"I'm not. But you can't hide things from me. You can't."

Tony nodded, "I know. I _know_. J, from now on, any intel on Ross, you tell Bruce right away."

"Of course, Sir."

Bruce stayed there in the doorway, his eyes wary, but not closed off.

"I - I didn't want to dump even more stuff on you. After all this, everything I've thrown at you lately. You didn't sign up for this."

Tony found himself looking down at his hands, fighting those stupid tears again. He felt anguish surging through him, fear and self-loathing. Things he was very familiar with; no problem identifying those feelings.

But then Bruce was sitting next to him on the bed, Bruce's arm around his back, holding him tightly. Trying not to press too hard on his injured shoulder, but not letting go.

"I'm not gonna run off. Even if I'm scared, and I'm really really scared right now. Even if I'm mad at you."

"But," Tony looked over at him with wet eyes. "What if you can't handle it?" He let out a shaky breath. "She…she couldn't handle it. Me. The suits. My nightmares. And she didn't even know how truly fucked up I _am_." Tony winced at the sound of his own needy voice.

Bruce's lips were suddenly on his, kissing him desperately. After a moment, Bruce pulled back but held Tony close in a tight hug.

"And I'm normal?"

“But…you’re mad at me.”

Bruce nodded solemnly, but the warmth did not leave his eyes.

“I am. But that’s ok, I think. It’s normal. It’s something “normal” people do.”

Tony blinked at him, not understanding.

“I mean, I think that other people, couples, they get mad, they fight, and then they make up. With no one literally flying off or turning into a green rage monster.”

Tony smiled wryly at that. “Jarvis said something similar.”

“Well, Jarvis is pretty smart.”

“And…uh…where are we in this process?” Tony dared ask.

“I think we’re nearing the making up part. We’re pretty close.” Bruce tightened his arm around Tony. “You know…this past year and a half, working with the Other Guy instead of against him. Working to understand him. Working on a team. He's communicating with me. He talks to me now, in the back of my head. Not just anger, but conversation."

Tony's eyes widened in amazement. He knew Bruce had been making great progress, but this was something new.

"What's he say?"

 "He says we can't leave Shellhead. Protect Shellhead. Not gonna leave Shellhead. And I don't- I don't want to. You - this - this is everything."

Tony nodded at that. Bruce was right, this was everything. He leaned against Bruce and closed his eyes, letting his tears fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really not trying to bash Pepper. I love Pepper. But it's canon that she left him alone after a nightmare and she never understood that "The suit and I are one." Tony needs his suits!


	34. Good Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You do scintillate. You're a star. With your own repulsors," Bruce laughed, realizing he was being louder than usual. Tony gave him a strange look, then reached across Happy to gently cup Bruce's cheek.  
> "Hey, look at me," Tony said sweetly. Bruce did, blinking, and then Tony dropped his hand, but rested it on Bruce's, ignoring Happy's uncomfortable look at being squashed in between them. "Oh my god, call the press!" Tony addressed to the room, "I think we managed to actually get Dr. Banner buzzed!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to get this done for Bruce's birthday, but better late than never!

Bruce pushed his glasses up and peered at the screen in front of him. He was getting some good results, finally, on his research for Stark Industries. Doing something that made him feel useful, to fight the anxiety threatening from the worry about Ross.

That morning when he woke up, he was pleased to see Tony calmly sleeping beside him. The engineer was supposed to have another day of bed rest, but he would probably try to be up and working before that time was over, even though they'd spend most of the previous day resting in bed. Any extra sleep could only help him.

Bruce had checked his calendar and, seeing he was behind on his S.I. project, left Tony in Jarvis' capable hands for a few hours. Now, he was feeling calmer and more hopeful, and Jarvis was reporting no problems with Tony.

"Bruce, I am opening the doors to the lab. You have a delivery from Sir."

"A delivery?" The scientist looked up and saw a motorized serving trolley rolling into the room. There was a covered serving platter on top. Though Bruce assumed Jarvis was controlling the trolley's movements, he still quickly went to the door to make sure it didn't run into anything important.

Smiling, he lifted the cover to see a huge stack of blueberry pancakes with a small lit candle burning in the middle.

"Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you…" came Tony's gorgeous voice, followed by Tony himself, walking into the lab, slowly but on his own two feet. He'd clearly managed to shower and put on sweats on his own. His hair was a bit wet, but he hadn’t touched the stubble marring his perfect goatee.

Bruce couldn't keep himself from rushing to put his arm around the man, and Tony accepted his help over to the sofa in the corner, though not putting much weight on him. The trolley whirred after them and stopped in front of Bruce.

"I was resting," Tony supplied, leaving his hand on Bruce’s arm. "I didn't do anything strenuous. And I ordered in. I did not attempt to cook. But I had to give you a birthday breakfast.”

“Thank you.” He’d shown Tony Steve’s present the day before, admitting that Steve had revealed Tony’s plans. Tony’s face had filled with disappointment at himself.

“I remembered! I mean, I had Jarvis remind me, and I planned a bunch of stuff, but it's all in Malibu. We were gonna take the Quinjet out yesterday. I had "official" permission from Fury even. But then I had to go and mess everything up.”

Bruce had calmed him by suggesting they go to Malibu at Christmas.

“Really? You wanna?”

“Yeah. I’d really like that. I’ve never seen your Malibu place.” Except in a video Bruce did _not_ want to think  about right then. He’d assured Tony all he cared about was that Tony was ok. And that was the thought he held in his head now, with a birthday candle still burning in front of him.

He smiled at Tony and leaned over to blow out the candle. Then he handed Tony one of the forks. Bruce poured the syrup generously over the stack of pancakes and dug in.

“Mmmm. Great.” He brought a forkful of pancakes towards Tony’s mouth, and the engineer gobbled it up, licking syrup off his lips.

“Ah, sugar. Awesome. Don’t tell on me, J.” Tony dug in with his own fork and Bruce followed suit.

“As long as you control yourself, Sir. And happy birthday, Bruce.”

“Thank you, Jarvis,” Bruce said through a mouth full of pancakes.

"How's the project going?" Tony asked carefully.

"I'm finally getting some good results. I'm sorry I left you alone this morning, but I feel calmer doing something that might actually help people."

"I wasn't alone. I got J," Tony smiled, swiping another bite of pancakes. He could see Bruce was calmer, and he wanted to do anything he could to let Bruce enjoy the day, push away all the worry. "And I have enough people hovering over me right now."

The morning alone had also given him time to plan. Tony may have been weak, but he enlisted help. Bruce probably thought that the impromptu birthday breakfast was the only thing Tony was planning , but he was very wrong.

Bruce's eyes turned more serious. "How are you - uh, feeling?"

"Shoulder's sore but not too bad. I have a lot more energy than yesterday, really. The doc checked me out this morning." He sighed, shaking his head. "Being grounded for two weeks is gonna suck. At least I can do "theoretical" work. Can I stay down here awhile? My jailer has given me permission."

"Of course." Bruce leaned over and gave Tony a syrupy kiss. "I think I'll feel better if I can keep an eye on you."

The hours went by quickly as Tony and Bruce worked side-by-side. Several times Bruce found himself looking over at Tony, who was lost in his plans for the next suit upgrade, just staring. Making sure he was there.

Bruce had never made a big deal of his birthday, and he knew Tony was the king of big deals. Even just sharing pancakes with the person he loved was more than he would have imagined of his birthday years ago.

He shook his head to try to get his focus back, when Steve came into the lab. He was wearing jeans and a sweater, and carrying a takeout tray of coffees.

"Happy Birthday Bruce. I got you chai tea."

"Thanks, Steve." He walked over and took the cup from Steve. Suddenly, Tony was by his side, staring down at the cups.

"Coffee? Is that coffee?" He made grabby hands. "The doc said I could have one, I swear." Steve smiled and let Tony grab a coffee.

"Sorry but I have to steal Tony away. I have – uh…"

"Gotta show him the upgrades I'm making on his uniform. Keep him from getting stabbed in the six-pack," Tony babbled, heading for the door, not as quickly as usual, but not needing help. "Come on, Steve."

Bruce watched them go, not believing Tony for a second. He knew that Steve would be careful of Tony, not let him do too much. So Bruce was content to return to his work, and wait for whatever Tony had planned.

He didn’t have to wait too long. After an hour or so, Jarvis spoke up.

"Sir has asked me to tell you you are expected in the gameroom at 8pm." He could hear the smile in Jarvis' voice.

"Do I dare ask what is happening at 8pm?"

"I am afraid I am not permitted to tell you. But I can tell you I think you will be happily surprised."

* * *

Tony had given everybody a job - cake, presents, decorations, guests. Unfortunately it seemed that Steve had made it his job to hover over Tony. The engineer made it down to the game room on his own, but had to suffer through Cap settling him on the largest sofa in the grouping in the corner and stacking pillows behind him before leaving to pick up the cake.

Then he got to watch Clint going crazy with decorations – filling green and purple balloons with helium, and convincing Natasha to suck some up and talk like Donald Duck. Tony was starting to wonder if he was concussed without knowing it when Steve finally came back, Coulson helping him carry in a huge Hulk-shaped cake.

It was 3 feet tall and extremely well done. Steve and Coulson put the cake down carefully on the table they’d set up for food and Steve turned to him, smiling.

“They did a great job.”

“Yeah, they did. You pay double for the rush?”

Steve nodded. Tony looked at the cake again, studying the green face so hard it took him a moment to notice the small Iron Man at the foot of the Hulk.

“Why am I so small?” he kind of squeaked out. He heard Bruce’s warm chuckle in response and saw the scientist standing in the doorway, an amused smile on his face. He had changed into his purple shirt – Tony’s favorite, and seemed relaxed as his eyes surveyed the room.

“So, happy birthday. We got, you know – pool, videogames, balloons and cake. Food. Just the team. Happy’ll be here soon, and I’m resting. I’m fine.”

Bruce walked over to Tony, smiling even wider. “This is good. Real good. Thank you.”

Coulson handed out beers to everyone but Tony, and Bruce even took one.

Tony watched Bruce gradually relax, cajoled into playing pool with Steve and Clint. Natasha brought Tony a coffee, which he sipped gratefully, and after a while he noticed that she was glued to his side on the couch. Tony looked askance at her.

“Are you, like, babysitting me now?” He queried, raising his eyebrows.

She smiled her enigmatic smile. “You should take it as a compliment. I don’t babysit just anyone.” Tony wanted to be kind of annoyed, but he realized that he liked having her there. He felt safe with her. With all of them.

Coulson sat down on the armchair by Tony's other side, nursing a beer. He gave Tony a careful look.

"So, I've been hearing some strange reports. That you're actually listening to your doctor?"

Tony put on his fake innocent look. "You should check the records again. I might have gotten a concussion in the battle. You know it changes one's behaviour. I can't be held responsible."

Coulson just smiled at him and sipped his beer.

"Oh, J, tell Elena to come down and have some cake. We definitely have enough. Bad enough she has to stay here the whole week, shouldn't keep her cooped up on the guest floor."

"Immediately Sir."

Tony talked to Coulson and Nat and they all watched Bruce losing pitifully at pool, but having a good time. He even took a second beer from Steve. Then Happy arrived and after giving Bruce a huge hug, which it looked like Bruce was almost getting used to, he came over to where Tony was stationed.

Natasha got up to let him sit by Tony, going over to welcome Elena, who walked into the room a bit hesitantly.

“Hey. Sit. Eat, drink, be merry. All that.” Tony said. “We got cake, popcorn, pizza, whatever you want.”

“Sure Boss”. Happy was appraising him carefully. Too carefully. Noting the pillows, noting that Tony had been sitting this whole time, not running around at his normal level of frantic activity in social situations.

“You know, you don’t actually work for me anymore. Pep’s your boss. And, uh, she told me about the promotion. Congratulations. Head of Global Security.”

“Well, no need for me to be Iron Man’s bodyguard anymore.” Happy looked around. “This looks like a nice setup.”

“Yeah. Bruce is having a good time.”

Unfortunately, Elena chose that moment to come over and check his pulse, as well as remind him he was banned from alcohol that evening. Tony did his best not to shoot her a dirty look. When she went back to mingle, Happy was staring at him.

“Is that a real doctor? Like an actual doctor? Not some actress you hired?”

“No. She’s a doctor. A real doctor." Tony sighed. "I had a little, you know, in the last mission, things ran a little long and there was a hiccup with…” he gestured at his chest. Happy gave him a serious look, but didn’t say anything.

* * *

Bruce was having a good time. He had finished one beer and started on another, while Steve and Clint beat him mercilessly at pool. He saw Natasha and Coulson hovering protectively over Tony, then Happy by his side. He realized he was actually getting a little buzzed, and he wasn’t afraid. With the team around him, he felt like he could handle it for once.

Natasha walked over to the three men, Dr. Rodriguez following her. "Gentlemen, we were promised cake." Natasha only half-joked. They had all learned by now not to deny her when it came to food, so they adjourned to the three-foot Hulk.

Tony moved to get up, but Happy stuck his arm out across Tony's chest, blocking Tony's path.

"I'm not an invalid!" Tony sputtered. "I can walk. I just want some cake."

Happy stared him down. "You're gonna rest. They'll bring you cake." Happy nodded at Bruce, and Tony rolled his eyes at both of them, but stayed seated.

They proceeded to dismantle the poor other guy and Bruce sat down on Happy's other side, holding a plate with a piece of Hulk's arm and Iron Man's head on it. Tony laughed.

Clint handed Happy a plate and leered at Tony. "Doc says you can have one piece, so I got you a good one." The archer seemed unsure a moment, then set the plate down on the arm of the sofa. On the plate was a huge piece of cake with purple frosting and what looked like buttons on it? Tony glanced over at the remains of the cake and realized that Clint had cut out the Hulk's crotch for him.

He picked up the plate and the fork that was lying on it and shoved a huge bite into his mouth. "Mmmm…Perfect," he moaned for effect, his mouth full of frosting.

"Oh God," he heard Bruce laughing.

"You didn't agree to spend the evening with these guys expecting scintillating conversation, did you?" Happy joked, patting Bruce on the back.

"Hey, I can scintillate when I want to," Tony smiled.

"You do scintillate. You're a star. With your own repulsors," Bruce laughed, realizing he was being louder than usual. Tony gave him a strange look, then reached across Happy to gently cup Bruce's cheek.

"Hey, look at me," Tony said sweetly. Bruce did, blinking, and then Tony dropped his hand, but rested it on Bruce's, ignoring Happy's uncomfortable look at being squashed in between them. "Oh my god, call the press!" Tony addressed to the room, "I think we managed to actually get Dr. Banner buzzed!"

Bruce laughed again. Tony was smiling at him, so he wasn't mad. And then he felt Clint pressing another beer into his hand.

He looked up at the archer, who was smiling, though his eyes were a bit serious. "Take it, Doc. You deserve a night off." Bruce looked around the room. Happy, Natasha, Steve, even Coulson, they were all smiling. Nobody was afraid of him here.

* * *

When the party would down, Bruce got Tony back up to bed, even though he was leaning on Tony as much as Tony was leaning on him as they went up in the elevator.

They were snuggled up together, Bruce resting on Tony's uninjured shoulder. He was feeling buzzed from the beer, but not in any threatening sort of way. He actually felt good. It had been a good, low-key evening.

"I wanna show you my present," Tony said. "Hit it J."

Tony ran his fingers across the air in front of them and opened up several screens. Bruce recognized Tony's Malibu villa, set on a cliff above the sea.

"This is the outside of the house, you've seen it on TV and all, but inside…" Tony scrolled to new screens, showing the living room, but much different from what Bruce had seen in that video Jarvis had shown him.

“I had a full remodel done. I thought you’d like it better, you know, new things for … to make new memories.” Tony’s face was unsure.

Bruce looked at the screens. In the living room, gone was that white couch, and in its place was another, a light caramel color. Then there was a dining room, the bedroom, labs, an unending number of rooms. It was still very Tony Stark, but a lot softer. More like a home.

And there were small touches of purple here and there. It really did look like somewhere Bruce would feel comfortable.

He understood what this gift was really saying, how much it was really saying. Tony was saying he wanted Bruce in his life, in all parts of his life.

“Before it was really modern, dare I say ostentatious. I thought you’d like this look better.”

“I do.” Bruce touched Tony’s hand, stopping the frantic movement of his fingers. “I love it. Looks like a really good mix of both of us.”

“Really? Cuz you can change anything you want. Anything. And there’s more, but I’ll wait till Christmas to show you. When you’re there. We're there.”

Bruce nodded, then leaned over and kissed Tony. "Thank you. And thank you for setting up my kind of party." Tony's smile grew wider at that. "Jus' with my friends."

"I was thinking. We can do Christmas just us, in Malibu, but the guest suites there, I had them set up for everybody, you know, on the team. So they could come out for New Year's, if they want."

"I think thas a perfect idea." Bruce realized that he was slurring his words a bit. Tony's eyes opened wide.

"Oh wow. How many beers did you have?"

"Uh…three? Four? I don't remember." Bruce felt a blush creep across his face.

"You consumed a total of 4.7 beers, Bruce," came Jarvis' always accurate voice.

"Thanks Jarvis." It was the first time in many many years he'd had more than one beer. Bruce flopped back against the pillows and pulled Tony into his arms, Tony snuggling up against him, his head on Bruce's shoulder.

"You're a cheap date," the engineer said.

Bruce's only answer was a grunt. Tony looked up and saw his scientist was already half asleep, still with a grin on his face.

* * *

_Why couldn't he just pass out?_

_Tony was draped across the hotel bed, his eyes closed, trying to block out everything that had just happened. Terry's voice. Obie's voice._

_They were in the living room of the hotel suite, with the bedroom door open. They thought he was passed out, dead to the world, and were not guarding their words._

_Tony wished he could pass out. He'd drank enough, taken all the drugs that Terry had plied him with to make him malleable. Agreeable to the horrible things that Terry and Obie had planned tonight. Obie had insisted that they keep Terry happy, otherwise he would go to the competition - and take a chunk of share price with him…_

_And the last time Tony had said no to Obie, well, he could still feel the ache of his broken ribs._

_So he'd agreed. And now, he wanted to at least to forget for a while. He'd drunk as much as he could, but for some reason, unconsciousness wouldn't come. He could still hear them talking._

_"…yeah…the boy is…"_

_And he felt. He could still feel. He ached all over - Terry liked to hurt him, bruise him, bite him. Tony just wanted to stop feeling. Just stop everything._

_"…this again…." Terry's voice._

_"Next time you're in town," Obie answered._

_The thought floated through Tony's head that he would be puking right now if he had the energy to. But he couldn't even lift his head._

_And he heard Obie laughing. That laugh that chilled his bones._

No! No!

_After some time, he had no idea how long, the voices quieted and he heard footsteps, coming closer. The mattress dipped. And he felt Obie's hands on him._

_"How's my boy feeling?"… those hands were running up Tony's naked body, his back.…_

_The voice at his ear, chuckling. "You were so good, Tony. So good, boy." Tony felt sick at the twisted warmth that those words caused in him._

_Then he felt the weight of Obie's body on him, the smell of sweat and cigars. Those hands on him._

_He heard himself make a sound, a moan, full of fear. Why couldn't he just pass out? And maybe never wake up again. He wouldn't mind, really._

_A knee between his thighs, pushing them apart. And Tony couldn't control himself, he felt tears leaking out of his eyes, onto the rumpled sheets. He'd been good, he had, but no matter what he did, Obie would always take more. Take everything._

_"Shhh my boy. My turn now."_

 

Screaming. There was screaming.

Tony heard yelling - screaming so loud it hurt his head. _Was that him? -_ He was trying to fight his way out of the dream - _was it a dream?_ Trying to get some air - some breath - into his lungs.

_can't breathe - can't breathe - can't breathe!_

He hit and kicked and fought his way out of bed, kicking at the blankets tangled around his legs, stumbling to the floor, shooting pain through his injured shoulder. Tony crawled on all fours until he found himself in a corner and pressed his back against the wall.

He curled in on himself and covered his eyes with his hands. He wasn't really sure where he was, his brain seemed to have disconnected. Short-circuited. Systems were off-line.

All he could feel was his heart pounding, pounding, and those hands, Obie's hands on him.

 _It's not real. It's not real,_ he tried to tell himself.

But there were voices. Other voices. Jarvis. And Bruce? Where was Bruce? He tried to focus on what he was hearing at the same time he realized that he really should be trying to breathe. Oh god, but he couldn't. The dream had been so fucking _real,_ he still felt those hands touching him.

"- difficulty, Sir. Please stay calm-" Jarvis was talking to him.

"Don't let him-don't let him-don't let him-" Tony finally got some air into his lungs and heard himself begging, repeating it like a mantra. He couldn't control it. Couldn't control anything. The fear was too much.

Then he heard what sounded like an earthquake. A rumbling. A growling. The floor was shaking, then came a huge crash. God, what now? Was he still dreaming?

He curled into an even tighter ball, his face hidden against his knees. He couldn't run. He couldn't look, he couldn't move. He _couldn't_.

"Tin man?" came a soft growl. That wasn't Bruce's voice.

_Oh shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hulk cuddles coming up!


	35. Good Shrink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony tried hard to understand what was happening. He was jostled a bit, then held firm, wrapped up in warmth - those strong strong arms, a gigantic heart was pounding beneath his ear…  
> He cracked his eyes open for a moment and saw nothing but green.  
> The Hulk was hugging him! Holding him. Protecting him.

Tony wanted to force his eyes open, try to get a hold of the situation, but he was frozen in place, curled up in a ball in the corner of his bedroom, the images - and feelings - from the dream still with him.

"Tin man hurt?" The Other Guy's voice. "Computer man! Where danger?" Hulk was talking to Jarvis?

Tony stayed where he was, his head down, his arms wrapped around himself. He wanted to speak to the Hulk, calm him down, help the Other Guy understand what was going on, but he couldn't. He had to let J take the lead.

"No, Tony is not hurt," came Jarvis' soothing voice, directed at the Other Guy, trying to calm him down. "Mr. Hulk, there is no danger. No danger, I assure you. Sir - Tony had a bad dream. Just a dream."

"Hulk help."

Tony heard movement, felt the room shaking a bit, and then felt huge hands wrapping around him - his breath hitched and he let out a - well, fuck, it was a whine. The 5-year old inside his head was firmly in control right now.

"Hulk help. Not hurt Tin man." Tony knew that. He knew the Other Guy would never hurt him on purpose.

He was pulled away from the corner by those hands, huge and rough and so warm. Those amazing weapons were gently wrapped around him, at least as gently as the Other Guy could manage, he figured.

Tony tried hard to understand what was happening. He was jostled a bit, then held firm, wrapped up in warmth - those strong strong arms, a gigantic heart was pounding beneath his ear…

He cracked his eyes open for a moment and saw nothing but green.

The Hulk was hugging him! Holding him. Protecting him. From what Tony could put together, Hulk must have somehow managed to hunker down next to the bed and was basically holding Tony in his lap, those arms, usually just used for smashing, wrapped protectively, carefully around Tony.

"Sir, shall I call for assistance?" Jarvis sounded unsure. At least Tony could focus on what J was saying now. Could understand. Could almost breathe. He felt safer.

"No," Tony managed to get out. "No, I'm … I'm ok."

"Tin man need doctor? Hulk call America?"

"No!" Tony cried. "No - don't - don't let anybody in." Tony pressed his face to the Hulk's hot chest, too lost to really feel how weird the situation was. His felt one arm around his back, the heat warming his skin. The other arm was under his butt, holding him up. Without the suit he probably weighed nothing to the Big Guy.

"Sir, I have blocked the doors. No one will be able to enter. You should be taking deep breaths. You need more oxygen."

"Yeah," he gasped. "Yeah. Ok." He kept his eyes tightly shut. Breathe. Breathe. Ok. He could do that.

"Remember what we talked about. You must focus on the fact that these things are not happening now. You are safe right now."

"I - I'm home," he made himself say out loud. "I'm safe.".

"Yes. That's good. That's right." Jarvis soothed him.

Right. Right. If he wasn't safe being protected by a Hulk, when was he? He felt laughter in the back of his mind, but it didn't make it out of his mouth. The Hulk's left arm moved, while the right held him pressed - not crushed - against that enormous chest, and then the comforter was being thrown around him.

He realized he was shaking, so Hulk probably thought he was cold.

"Tony safe. Safe. No one in. Hulk protect."

"I know, buddy." Tony gasped, trying to stop the damn shaking. The heat emanating from the creature was slowly seeping into his bones, helping him breathe better. He was pressed against the Hulk's chest, but not too hard; the reactor wasn't digging into him. His lungs had room to work.

"Computer man right. Memory not now. Not now. Now safe."

Tony moved his right hand to press it against the Other Guy's chest, feeling that blazing heat and rough skin. He'd never been this close to the Other Guy before outside of missions. He felt the arm surrounding him tighten a bit, pulling him even closer.

He felt like a kid surrounded by Hulk's enormous bulk. A kid wrapped in a parent's arms.

He didn't know if that was something he'd ever really felt before. There were some faded memories of his mother hugging him when he was very little. And Aunt Peggy. She loved to give hugs. He couldn't remember if Jarvis had ever hugged him. The man had usually shown his love in a million other ways.

Tony opened his mouth to tell the Big Guy he was helping, but all that came out was a sob. He couldn't get it together; the dream wasn't letting go, those horrible feelings kept coming back at him, gutting him. He shivered in the Hulk's lap and the tears just kept coming.

"Tin Man safe. Safe." He heard the rough voice from above him. Maybe he didn't need to keep it together right now. The Big Guy certainly wouldn't go around gossiping to anyone about Iron Man sobbing like a kid. The Big Guy could handle anything, would squash anyone who tried to hurt him without a second thought.

He _was_ safe right now. He couldn't be safer than right there in the Other Guy's arms.

So for a while Tony just let himself cry, not caring about holding anything in. He knew neither J nor the Hulk would hold it against him. Then the Hulk spoke again.

"Puny Banner cry too. Less now. Now Banner has Tin Man. Tin Man make Banner happy."

Tony took a shaky breath and wiped his face a bit. He craned his neck to look the Other Guy in the eyes. Those raging green eyes were full of concern.

"You - you got Tin Man too. Not just Banner. You too." He tried to give a small smile, through his stupid tears.

There was a nod at that. "Tony sleep? Dark outside." Hulk looked toward the bedroom windows. "Still time for sleep. Hulk stay. Hulk protect."

Tony could do nothing but agree. The Other Guy basically had him wrapped up in a blanket cocoon; he couldn't even see past those huge arms cradling him. He knew Bruce would be upset about letting the Other Guy out, but he was doing nothing but helping right now.

"Ok. Good idea." He closed his eyes again, nodding against Hulk's chest. Tony forced himself to listen to that enormous heart pounding and tried to synch his breathing with it…

* * *

Tony drifted in warmth, feeling those incredibly strong arms around him. He definitely slept for a while, with no dreams. At some point he cracked open his eyes as he heard voices - Hulk talking to Jarvis? - and felt his Hulk-mattress moving a bit.

"Computer man says drink." Tony blinked and saw Hulk's hand in front of his face, palm up, a bottle of water cradled in it. J must have opened the mini-fridge for him.

The engineer shifted sideways, still propped against the Other Guy, and took the water. He opened it and took a couple of long gulps, the cool water welcome sliding down his throat. "Tony better?"

"Yeah." He took stock of himself. He was hot and sweaty from the Hulk's warmth, would definitely be needing a shower, but he felt relatively normal now. The warmth from the beast seemed to have even lessened the pain in his shoulder.

"I do feel better. Thanks, buddy. You helped a lot," Tony said between more sips of water. "You were really great. You didn't even smash anything."

Hulk huffed. "Tin Man not like smash house. House for sleep, not smash." He gestured around the bedroom.

"Well, when you were smashing Loki I didn't mind. If he shows up again you can smash whatever you want to get him."

"Puny god not hurt Tin Man," Hulk growled, the beast showing through. "Nobody hurt Tin Man again now Hulk here. Hulk promise."

"I know. I know." Hopefully Bruce would start understanding that more too.

"Maybe … uh, you can let me get up now? You ok with bringing puny Banner back? I know he has some work to do today." He seemed to have heard Jarvis saying it was 8am.

Hulk grunted, nodding his huge head. He gave Tony an almost tender look, then moved Tony out of his lap, placing him on the floor, still wrapped in the comforter.

 

 _Tony?_ Tony was scared? Bruce felt himself coming back to himself. He had changed? Oh god, what had happened?

"I'm fine. It's fine," he heard Tony's voice and realized Tony's arms were wrapping around him. His head was on Tony's shoulder and he could smell the other man's sweat. But he didn't sense fear.

Bruce forced his eyes open and saw the engineer gently gazing down at him.

"Hey. There you are."  Tony reached behind him, then brought an opened bottle of water to Bruce's lips, and helped him sit up a bit and drink. Bruce swallowed gratefully, realizing he was naked in Tony's arms, in their bedroom, and that their bed had been smashed to pieces.

And he kept getting flashes of Tony screaming.

"What did I - what did he-?"

"No no no no. Everything's fine. I had a nightmare and the Other Guy just wanted to help." Bruce looked Tony over. He was extremely rumpled and sweaty, but his color was good. No cuts or bruises. He seemed ok.

Bruce swallowed. "But I - oh god, I drank that beer. I shouldn't have. I lost control-"

Tony brought his hand up to stroke Bruce's hair, shaking his head. "Wait. Wait. Before you go into your whole spiral of guilt and worry, don't. Just don't. Everything's fine."

"It's not! Look at the bed. He could've-you- he-"

"No no no. The only casualty is the bed. That is the only thing that got broken. And I'm sure Jarvis has already ordered a new one."

"Absolutely sir. It will be installed tomorrow morning."

"See." Tony put the water down and put his hand on Bruce's shoulder. "He helped. He helped me. I was…real scared and he helped me." Bruce could see how difficult it was for Tony to admit that. Maybe he should listen. It was just so hard to trust himself. Trust the Other Guy.

"Let's go down to your floor and J will show you the video feed. Ok? So you can see for yourself what happened."

"Ok," Bruce nodded blearily. "But are you really ok?"

"I'm good." Tony gave him a small smile. "He was…really good. He helped a lot. You'll see." Tony got up and skirted the pieces of the bed, going to the closet and taking out some sweats for Bruce to wear. Bruce kept his eyes averted, unable to bear the thought that he lost control right here in the bedroom.

But Tony seemed calm, continuing to smile gently at Bruce while helping him dress.

Once they were settled down on Bruce's floor, Tony wrapping an extra blanket around his scientist, J played the security feed. When Tony saw himself on the screen, he flinched and turned his eyes away, but Bruce watched the Hulk get up from the remains of the bed and lumber over to Tony, who was cowering in the corner of the room.

Bruce couldn't believe it as he watched Hulk picking Tony up and cradling him in his arms. Covering him with the comforter. Telling Tony that he was safe. Tony sleeping in the Other Guy's arms.

When Jarvis turned it off, Bruce turned to look at Tony, who reached over and wiped some tears from Bruce's face.

"He did help." Bruce said, amazed.

"I told you. You gotta trust him a little bit more."

Maybe Tony was right; maybe he should. Maybe he could.

Tony got Bruce to eat some breakfast, then convinced him to sleep a bit. Even though the Hulk hadn't had to fight, the transformation still exhausted him. Jarvis would wake him for his meetings at R&D later in the day.

And of course Jarvis reported to Dr. Rodriguez that Tony had had a panic attack, so he had to suffer her coming and checking him over.

"Is there a problem with the penthouse?" She asked, pulling her equipment into Bruce's bedroom.

"It was just a bad nightmare. I kind of… broke some things," Tony lied. "Jarvis is getting it all fixed."

She started checking her charts, feigning nonchalance. "You know, working with SHIELD, we end up treating a lot of "special" people. So we have extensive training in psychology as well."

Now she was looking at him. He stared right back.

"Hm. You asking me to "share"?"

"I'm only saying the option is there, should you want it."

"Yeah, well thanks, but, not now." Probably not ever. It was bad enough talking to J about this stuff.

"Is your therapist able to come here for your sessions, while you're grounded?"

"Yeah. He can come here." Not mentioning the fact that he was always here - everywhere here.

"You have an appointment at 2 this afternoon, Sir," Jarvis supplied, making what was basically an order sound like a subservient reminder. Tony tried not to smile.

"Yeah. Great." He faced the doctor with a placating smile. "See. I'm being a good patient."

She assured him that there was no damage to his heart, and made sure to remind him he shouldn't be doing any hands-on work yet.  He nodded and agreed, knowing that Jarvis would tell on him if he tried to ignore her orders.

The doctor left and Bruce snored on. Tony watched him for a bit, then got up. Right. He looked down at himself in those stupid pajamas. He was sick of feeling like an invalid.

He took a long, hot shower, telling J to let him know if Bruce woke, then went back up to the penthouse to dress.

He chose carefully. Black slacks, Italian leather shoes, a Prada shirt just a shade darker than magenta, cufflinks, watch and tinted shades matching his shirt. He looked at his reflection as he touched up his hair in the bathroom mirror.

There. That was better. _That_ was Tony fucking Stark. Not that small, helpless, crying, _thing_ he'd seen on the security feed. He shook his head to rid himself of the image, and went to grab a matching cashmere sweater before he went back down to Bruce's floor.

* * *

Tony was sitting in the red armchair, looking down at the notebook in his hands. Yeah, like actual pen and paper kind of thing, because the things he was supposed to write down in there he didn't want on any network anywhere, no matter the security measures.

The first few pages held the suggestions Jarvis had given him about what to do when he was freaking out. Things to say to himself, things to focus on. He glanced down at it.

There were set phrases for him to remember, to repeat to himself -

_Right now I'm feeling…._

_Because I'm remembering…._

_But I am now in 2013, here in …._

_And I can see…_

The things he was able to use to help Natasha in Japan. He was grateful to J for all of this, it was just that some of it really made him cringe.

"You did the right thing this morning, Tony. You reminded yourself that you were safe, that the things in your dream were not happening now."

They talked about his nightmare a bit, then Tony put the notebook down as Jarvis directed him to a stack of books over on the desk. He was officially giving Tony "homework", reading to do. Again, Jarvis obtained physical copies of the books, so as not to leave an electronic trail for someone to find. Someone to wonder why Iron Man was reading about these things.

He looked them over. Some were more scientific, about the brain and trauma, and its effects on memory, and some were more "shrinky".

"I think it is important you read these, as I should not be your only source of information. Even in traditional therapy, as far as I have come to understand, patients are encouraged to guide their own recovery."

 _Recovery?_ Was that the goal here? Was that even something that was possible? Tony strode over to the window, looking out at the city. Could it be possible to put all his broken pieces back together? Well, he'd done it before, he reminded himself, glancing down at the blue light shining through his shirt.

He'd done it because he'd had the right help. A good man helping him. He'd promised Yinsen he'd never give up. He couldn't. There was so much he still had to do. Especially now.

"Do you agree?" Jarvis' gently shrink-voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Yeah, yes, ok. I just, I don't know what I'm doing with all of this. It's not my field." Tony wished he could have a brain like Jarvis', then he would know how to fix it when things went wrong.

"I am perfectly aware of that," Jarvis soothed. "We can decide on our goals together. For the moment I believe the most important thing is to continue working on dealing with your flashbacks and trying to get your mind to understand that the trauma is over.That you have survived."

"But I know that I survived. I do." He was Iron Man, dammit, and Iron Man always kept going. Always survived.

"However, when you have flashbacks or panic attacks, your brain is repeating old patterns. It is acting as if the trauma is still happening."

"And we can stop that?" Tony turned back to the desk and grabbed up the stuffed Hulk, without thinking about it. He'd gone up to the penthouse and rescued it from the rubble before coming down to the therapy room. He told himself he didn't want the installers to find it, but he also found it…comforting to hold onto.

"Yes. We can. It is not something that will happen immediately, but if you work with me, we can."

Tony walked back to the chair and sat again, squeezing the toy in his left hand, concentrating on the feel of the soft cushions. J said that paying attention to sensations would help him understand where he was. And where he wasn't.

"Ok. You know, I'm in. With you. With this "therapy" thing. I'm trying."

How was it that Tony could hear Jarvis' smile at that even when he said nothing?

"I know. I appreciate it. I would like to try something right now. There is one thing that I believe may assist you in this."

"Sure. Whatever you think'll work."

"Yes. Can you tell me where Obadiah Stane is now?"

Tony blinked at that, trying to ignore how his heart jumped just hearing the name. "Uh - he's - you know. He's dead."

"Yes, he is. But where is he, specifically?"

"Oh." He got it, what J was going for. Yes, Jarvis knew how his brain worked. "Stane's burned up corpse is rotting in the fucking ground," Tony growled.

"Yes. It is. If you wish I can show you a scan of his gravesite with DNA confirmation that the body is his."

Tony was pretty sure that _this_ kind of thing was not standard shrink procedure, but he liked the idea. He nodded and J brought the screen up.

"This is one important fact that signals that the abuse is over. He is dead and he cannot do anything to you anymore."

Tony stared at the screens for a while, just absorbing. Whatever "magic" Fury had used to bring Phil back could certainly not be used on this pile of bones. No way.

Dead. Gone. Dust. With scientific proof of it.

"I realize there is another source of stress right now. Another person that could harm you."

 _Murphy._ Tony dug his fingers of his right hand into the arm rest, concentrating on keeping his breathing calm. 

"Could you tell me," Jarvis said carefully, "what would happen if Terrence Murphy attempted to hurt you now?"

"I'd take him out," Tony said without hesitation. "I'd blast him to pieces. Fucking dust."

"Yes. And if, for any reason, you were unable to do that, who would?"

Tony thought for a moment. He knew he could take the man out with or without the suit. But if he didn't-

"The Other Guy would smash his ass to Asgard and back." And Tony would love to see that. "And Rhodey would join him. And Happy. And…" The team. They'd all waited all night after the battle to see if he was ok. Natasha even offered to take the guy out herself. And Steve…

"They - they'd all help."

"They who?" Tony understood that Jarvis was gently guiding him into this, not manipulating him, but trying to get him to understand something on his own. Something blaringly obvious.

"Steve, Clint, Natasha. Phil. Nick. Thor probably, if he ever comes back to our burg."

"Yes. I believe so."

Jarvis was telling him he had people. That he should trust. He was trying; he was.

"But Sir, I must add one thing." Switching back to Jarvis-mode, not longer calm, but with a vein of iron running through that voice.

"Yeah?"

"You are forgetting me. Should Murphy attempt to get near you, harm you in any way, I am certain that the team would do anything and everything to protect you. But I am afraid that they would not have the time to act."

"Why not?" Tony thought he knew the answer to that, but when it came, it was even more vehement than he could have imagined.

"Because before they do, I will fucking destroy him. That is a promise, Sir."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jarvis' reference (and mine)  
> Rothschild,B (2000). The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment. New York: W.W.Norton  
> Rothschild, B (2010) 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery: Take-Charge Strategies to Empower Your Healing. W.W.Norton (This one is really good).


	36. Good Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What was he feeling? Well, he was sure his knees would start to complain sooner or later, but he didn't think Bruce would keep him like this for hours, so that wasn't really a problem. He felt the leather of the restraints on his wrists. Heavy and possessive. He liked that. He liked that a lot. And that fact that he couldn't - well, he could move of course - but the fact that Bruce ordered him not to move. That was weirdly good. That kept the strange warmth flowing through his body.  
> His arms were restrained, but his shoulders were relaxed, and even that wasn't uncomfortable. In fact it was strangely, so strangely comforting. He felt safe like this. Like Bruce was giving him permission to turn his brain off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly fluff. There is some hand feeding in here, if that's a problem for anybody.

Being grounded sucked. With Jarvis and the doctor hovering over him, Tony couldn't do the work he was itching to do, pounding out his frustration on his new suit. So he spent a few hours doing SI work and, Odin help him, even catching up on paperwork.

At some time in the evening Bruce showed up, pulling the motorized food tray behind him. Tony smelled some kind of stir fry, and his stomach reminded him that aside from some pretzels he'd found in the workshop, he hadn't eaten in hours.

Bruce stopped a moment and just looked at Tony, checking him over. He could still feel the Other Guy under his skin, but it was an unusual feeling. It wasn't anger, it was concern. Worry for Tony. And he could see Tony was also antsy, restless, and still a bit thrown by his nightmare.

So Bruce had an idea. He wanted to do something to relax them both.

Tony smiled at Bruce as he strode over to where Tony was sitting, leaned over and kissed him, lips hungry and demanding. He pulled back and smiled, a devilish smile that he saved only for Tony.

"So, the way it works is, you obey me, right?" The scientist demanded, his voice going hard.

"Right. I mean, yes, sir," Tony replied quickly, immediately joining the game. Bruce must have another of his ideas, and Tony was all for Bruce's ideas. Bruce reached out and ran his fingers gently down the side of Tony's face, a strangely comforting gesture.

"And you like obeying me?"

"Oh, yeah." Tony was completely on board with that. That question made warmth flow through him, and he forced himself to focus on that feeling. It was a strange, calm excitement, if that was possible. He knew that when he put himself in Bruce's hands, he was safe. Always.

"Good. Then obey  me," Bruce took his wrist. "Over here." The scientist took Tony's hand and led him gently over to the couch. He left Tony standing in front of it, while he went to the tray, rooted around a moment and returned to Tony holding the restraints.

"Now don't get too excited. I'm not gonna do anything against the doctor's orders. And I know your shoulder's still sore." Tony just waited, standing there, a small smile on his face, not knowing where Bruce wanted to put him.

"I'm gonna help you relax, help both of us relax a bit, then we're gonna eat. Gimme your hands."

Tony held out his hands and Bruce placed a restraint around each wrist, then clipped them together, leaving them in front of Tony so as not to pull on his shoulder.

"I don't wanna tell you how to do things, but you might want to get me more naked," Tony couldn't help quipping.

Bruce shook his head, still smiling. "That's not what we're doing." He picked up a throw pillow from the couch and dropped it to the floor in front of Tony. Those warm eyes fixed on him. "Kneel there."

Tony raised his eyebrows, but obeyed, kneeling on the cushion, right next to the couch. He still had no idea what Bruce had in mind.

"How's your shoulder feel in that position?"

Tony tried to relax his muscles a bit. He didn't feel any pain from his shoulder, just a bit of soreness. He figured he would be able to kneel like this for a while, depending on what Bruce wanted from him.

"It's good. It's ok."

"Good." Bruce sat down on the couch beside Tony, his knees touching Tony's side.  "Can you hold that position for a while?"

"Depends what you wanna do to me," Tony smirked.

"Right now I just want you to stay like that and try to relax." From the corner of his eye Tony saw Bruce pick up a tablet, lean back and start reading, all calm nonchalance. Did he just want Tony to kneel there and do nothing?

Tony tried to settle, but his mind was proposing a million different theories about what Bruce wanted, and part of his mind also kept going back to the improvements to his suit…

"Stop thinking so much," came Bruce's calm voice. "Just feel what you're feeling."

Whatever _that_ meant. What kind of hippy crap was that? Tony wondered, smiling inwardly. But he had analyzed enough crap for one day, and he knew Bruce wanted to make him feel good.  So he would give it a try, for Bruce.  Maybe Bruce needed this too.

Tony would stay where Bruce put him, kneeling beside the couch, his hands cuffed and his will held in Bruce's strong hands. He let out a huff of air and tried to breathe more calmly.

What was he feeling? Well, he was sure his knees would start to complain sooner or later, but he didn't think Bruce would keep him like this for hours, so that wasn't really a problem. He felt the leather of the restraints on his wrists. Heavy and possessive. He liked that. He liked that a lot. And that fact that he couldn't - well, he _could_ move of course - but the fact that Bruce _ordered_  him not to move. That was weirdly good. That kept the strange warmth flowing through his body.

His arms were restrained, but his shoulders were relaxed, and even that wasn't uncomfortable. In fact it was strangely, so strangely comforting. He felt safe like this. Like Bruce was giving him permission to turn his brain off.

"You don't have to close your eyes, but it might help you relax."

So, after a few moments, Tony let his eyes drift closed, without thinking. Knowing Bruce was right there, right next to him, was comforting too. It was almost as if he could feel the calm vibes coming off of the other man.

Bruce pretended to keep his eyes on the tablet, but he was watching Tony. He saw those dark lashes fall against his cheeks and some of Tony's always frantic energy slip away. He was relaxing a bit. Bruce smiled to himself.

"I'm going to touch you now," Bruce's soft, warm voice floated into Tony's consciousness. "Give me a color."

"Green," he huffed out. Then he felt Bruce's hand in his hair. Fingers carded through his short hair, then began to knead his scalp, massaging lightly. _Oh,_ that was _really_ good. Tony kept his eyes closed and managed to just concentrate on that feeling.

After a while the fingers moved down his neck, pressing and kneading at the knots in his muscles. Bruce was definitely good at that. Those fingers kept running through Tony's hair, the stroking up and down his neck, bringing him further into the soft haze of relaxation he was feeling.

Bruce saw and felt Tony's muscles relaxing, Tony giving himself over to Bruce's hands. This was working. He would even dare to try his next idea.

Tony knelt there, lulled into a warm, safe feeling, for how long he had no idea, before Bruce's hand moved away and he heard Bruce speak again.

"Hungry?" Bruce inquired.

"Yeah." Tony forced his eyes open, not knowing if Bruce wanted him to get up.

"Stay there." Bruce's warm voice kept him in place. He watched the other man roll the tray to the sofa and sit down again. Tony glanced down at his cuffed hands, but Bruce shook his head slightly and smiled that warm smile again.

Bruce was a bit nervous about what he wanted to try, but watching Tony kneel there, his eyes calm and full of trust soothed him a bit. He put his hands gently on Tony's shoulders, guiding him to face Bruce, still kneeling on the pillow.

"You trust me?" he asked the engineer.

"Always." Tony's voice left no doubt.

"I wanna try something else. Might be weird. You game?"

"Always, for you."

Then Bruce was bringing a fork to his mouth, full of stir-fried chicken and vegetables. That was weird, right? Tony opened his mouth to say something, but he didn't know what he was going to say, and Bruce took the opportunity to gently slip the food in.

This was just weird, not scary at all. Weird was fine. Weird was interesting. And as Tony chewed, Bruce kept their eyes locked on each other. Tony was floating, held safe by that gaze and the restraints and the fork in Bruce's hand.

Tony chewed and swallowed, his eyes locked on Bruce's. He was still feeling calm, so he tried to focus on the flavors of the food and the heat of that gaze. For the first few bites, Tony felt weird, but the food was amazing and Bruce's eyes were holding him safe, so gradually, slowly, that warmth flowed through him again and brought him back to that calm place while he continued to eat. He was falling head first into hippieness here, but it felt great.

Bruce traded bites for Tony and himself, carefully watching Tony's reactions. The engineer seemed calm and quiet, his eyes blown wide with surprise and pleasure.

When the plate was half empty, Bruce put the fork down and held out a bottle of water, helping Tony drink.

"Thank you Sir," Tony said, actually keeping the sarcasm out of his voice, though a bit of it sparkled in his eyes. "It's really good."

Bruce picked up the fork again. He made sure that Tony ate more than he did, then put the fork down on the empty plate, reached down to press his thumb to the cuffs, pulling them off Tony's wrists and setting them aside. He started gently massaging Tony's hands and arms.

"You want anything else?"

He wanted a whiskey, but it wasn't an uncontrollable need at the moment. So he shook his head. "Just the bathroom."

Bruce helped him up and Tony held onto him a moment; he felt a bit dazed.

"Was that ok?" Bruce's tone was worried.

"Yeah. That was…weird but good. I feel good. Just hope Clint wasn't in the vents filming it for YouTube."

"I assure you the vents are clear, Sir," Jarvis supplied.

When Tony came back from the bathroom, he sat himself on Bruce's lap, straddling the scientists thighs, lips gently brushing against Bruce's. Bruce sighed and melted into him. They kissed for a while, Bruce's hands gently running over Tony's back, his arms… then, out of nowhere, Tony felt his heart kick up a beat, not in a good way.

He pulled back, his hand resting on Bruce's chest.

"You ok? You wanna stop?" Bruce's hands stilled immediately.

"I wanna … oh, I _wanna_ …" Tony sighed, running his other hand down Bruce's neck and over his collarbone, feeling Bruce's hot skin. "…but fuck! I feel so stupid saying this…."

Bruce looked at him closely.

"Tony, our lives have gone beyond all the boundaries of crazy and unbelievable and impossible.  We fight alien robots on a regular basis. There's nothing - I mean, you can ask me whatever you want and if I can I want to give you, whatever you want. Anything you need."

Tony knew Bruce was sincere; and he didn't know what he'd ever done to deserve the man. He just felt so stupid about this stuff.

"I - I'm kinda feeling - "he laughed at his own use of the word. "Yellow."

"Ok." Bruce pulled his hands back. For some strange reason he had a huge smile on his face.

"Why's that make you smile?"

"Because you're telling me how you're feeling. That's all I want. That You tell me what you need."

Ok, Tony could understand that. "I wanna…I wanna, but I don't know… That dream is still, kind of…" he gestured to his head.

"So, when you say stop or red or even yellow, we stop. You know I'll listen to you."

Tony nodded. He knew that more than he knew anything.

"And I don't think you're supposed to be doing anything…strenuous anyway," Bruce smiled. He thought a moment, then his smile grew wider. "I think I could offer you some teenage making out. What about that?"

"That sounds good. Really good. I could do that." Tony leaned forward and melded his lips to Bruce's once again.

* * *

It really was teenage making out; frustrating and exciting and going nowhere, and but Tony got lost in it. He was half hard, and felt Bruce was too, but there was no urgency too it, no pressure. He had no idea how much time had passed when he pulled back, finally, resting his head against Bruce's shoulder. Bruce's arms wrapped gently around him.

"You good? Stop?"

"Yeah. I'm good. We can stop. That was really-" Tony pressed his hand to Bruce's chest, not knowing how to explain, but the warmth reflecting back at him from Bruce's eyes showed him that Bruce understood.

But he did refuse to let Tony go back to work, insisting they stay on the couch.

"You don't have to sleep, we'll watch something."

Tony reluctantly agreed, and now he was in his favorite spot, lying on the couch with Bruce, his face against the scientist's neck and his arm around Bruce's waist. Bruce's hand rubbed up and down Tony's back.

"Ok?" Bruce asked.

"Mm. Perfect," Tony sighed. He threw his leg over Bruce's, his thigh sliding over Bruce's cock, feeling it still hot and half-hard.

Bruce gulped, twisting a bit away from Tony, so he wouldn't feel it. He didn't want Tony to feel pressured in any way.

"Sorry."

 _Bruce_ was apologizing for that? Tony didn't really get that. Bruce was really acting like it was no big deal that Tony had left him hanging like that.

They silently watched the movie for a while, but then Tony had to say something. It was like Bruce had said, this felt like something he should know, but didn't. And he wasn't used to feeling stupid.

"I don't really get it."

"What don't you get?" Bruce's voice was open, accepting.

Why was it so hard to say this? What the hell was wrong with him? Why did Tony feel embarrassed to talk to about this? He was an expert at sex. But somehow talking about this was different.

"Doesn't it - isn't it annoying to just - stop like that? I mean, I know you wanted, you wanted me to understand, about consent." Tony took a breath and tried to stamp down the anxiety flaring up in him just talking about this stuff. "I'm just…trying to understand."

"Tony, listen to me," Bruce said seriously, turning his head to meet Tony's eyes. "You know, any time you tell me to stop, no matter what we are doing, no matter how far things have gone, I will stop. And I will never be … upset with you because of that."

"I know that. I know. I never worry about that." He did know that. He always trusted Bruce that way. He was never afraid of Bruce.

"And you don't have to explain why. Never. You don't have to give me a reason. Sometimes I might ask just to understand better how you're feeling," Bruce gave his shy smile at his own use of the "f-word". "But you don't owe me any explanation."

"But it's…frustrating." Tony glanced down pointedly at Bruce's crotch.

"You mean physically? Yeah, sure. It's slightly frustrating. But Tony, it's no big deal. My dick'll get over it."

And then Tony was laughing, laughing hard, and Bruce joined in, pulling Tony close.

* * *

Tony couldn't sleep. He'd lain there in bed with Bruce until the scientist drifted off, probably still worn out from the transformation the night before. But Tony wasn't sleeping. Just staring at the ceiling for who knows how long.

Finally he crept out of bed, grabbing a sweatshirt to throw over his t-shirt, and, an afterthought, the notebook that he'd stashed in Bruce's nightstand. It wasn't something he was just gonna leave lying around.

Bruce's floor didn't have a bar, so Tony went up to the penthouse to pour himself a scotch. He could feel the silent judgment in the air around him as he took the first, wonderful sip.

"I'll stick to one, J," he promised, not knowing if he was promising Jarvis or himself.

"Be aware that I am not above "ratting you out" , Sir, if you do not."

"Yeah. Yeah."

"Perhaps you might take me up on the suggestion of writing down your feelings."

Writing down his feelings? Yeah, well, no thanks. Tony stationed himself on the couch, the drink on the coffee table, not too far away, and looked down at the notebook.

He opened the book and on an empty page started drawing his new design for Widow's bites. That occupied him for a while, but the dream kept coming back to him; it wouldn't go away.

Jarvis had told him that he didn't have to remember everything that happened. It wasn't necessary for recovery to go over every horrible memory, especially if that made him feel worse. But J had said to pay attention to his feelings.

There was something from the dream, something so strong that he…he _felt._

Fear. Yeah, he was used to that feeling by now. But there was more. Something more. _He had to…_

Tony flipped through the notebook to an empty page near the end and, without thinking, found himself writing something. He looked down and saw-

_ I DIDN'T WANT IT _ _. I didn't want him to touch me._

Oh. Oh. Wow.

Tony put his hand on the page, hardly believing he had written that. He felt hot tears suddenly splashing down his face, but they were different. It was a different feeling.

It felt like relief.

* * *

Tony felt himself waking slowly. He felt a mattress underneath him; so at some point he must have gone back to bed. He groaned, then turned over gently and reached out his hand, searching for Bruce, and his fingers closed around a forearm. He knew this arm; but it wasn't Bruce's, it wasn't hairy enough. Without opening his eyes he ran his fingers up and down the smooth skin.

"Hey, you gonna feel me up before you even say hello?" came Rhodey's teasing voice.

Tony opened his eyes, smiling. Rhodey was lying beside him, stretched out on the bed, dressed in jeans and a red sweater and looking like he had just got off a plane after a long trip.

"Hey. Bruce is getting some breakfast. He said I should just make myself at home."

Tony blinked, confused. "What - what're you doing here?" Tony struggled a bit to sit up and tried to shake the sleep from his mind.

"Bruce called me the other day. Didn't give me all the classified details, but said you'd had some problems. I managed to wrangle 72 hours of leave so I dropped on by. I flew in from…Germany, I think, don't even ask me what day it is cuz I don't know."

"It is Friday, December 20, 2013, Lt. Colonel. You are currently in Manhattan. The outside temperature is 24° Farenheit."

"Thanks, Jarvis."

"Bruce really shouldn't have bothered you," Tony said quickly. "I'm fine. It's nothing. I'm fine." But Rhodey's eyes went to the bruises on his shoulder, then down to the reactor, before moving up to meet Tony's gaze.

"Listen, we're not doing that anymore. We are not." Rhodey squeezed his hand, not letting go. "If it was nothing, you wouldn't have a doctor assigned to you for a whole week. Yeah, I met her; she's out there waiting to check on you. If it was nothing, you wouldn't've even let the doctor in the building. Or near the building. I'm not letting you shut me out anymore. Got it?"

Rhodey's expression was serious, too concerned. Tony didn't have any snappy comebacks for that look. So he just nodded.

"Ok. I got it. It-it was just a stupid panic attack. Really. There was no permanent damage." Tony kept his hand in Rhodey's, stupidly grateful that he was there. "But, uh…I'm glad you're here."

"I'm glad you're in one piece. Really fucking glad, man."

"J, please show him that I'm not actively dying?"

Jarvis brought up a screen in front of Rhodey, showing some of Tony's vitals and running over their changes during the panic attack.

"Adrenaline and…hm. Well, we're gonna work on modifying your cocktail there."

"Yeah, Bruce and the doctor have already weighed in on that. But, you know. You've seen what I have to keep up with. I'm not a supersoldier or a fucking Thundergod. Running on just caffeine doesn't cut it."

"I know Tones. But there's gotta be a middle ground. We'll work on it. The army's got some new combat drugs in the pipeline. I can get you the info. But right now I want you to listen to that doctor."

"I'm already getting lectures from everybody, even Capsicle. You gotta get in line for that," Tony smiled.

Rhodey chuckled, then hit him with another serious look. "Uh, before Bruce comes back, I did wanna ask you something else. That Murphy guy. Is there something I should know? It's been a long time since I've seen you that…thrown by somebody."

Shit. There it was. Tony knew he had to tell Rhodey; he was already involved in this. He took a deep breath, and forced himself to meet his friend's eyes.

"Yeah. There's some things you have to know."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited to fix typos and a few sentences that were out of order. Was still getting over the flu when I posted.


	37. Good Distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhodey's voice was hard and angry. Tony was sure the confusion at that was showing on his face. "That's not what it was. This wasn't something you did, Tony. This was something that was done to you. You were manipulated, forced, terrorized even, into doing those things. I'd say you had no choice."  
> The shame churning through Tony's gut begged to differ, but he tried to hold onto Rhodey's words, to believe him, at least a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope there's not too many mistakes. As always too much work and no time...

Rhodey was sitting next to Tony on the bed, quietly listening to Tony talk. Somehow Tony was doing it, telling Rhodey about Murphy. Everything. He felt so small and stupid talking about this stuff, and realized he was almost curled up in a ball, his arms around his bent legs. Rhodey's hand was on his back, though, warm and real and there. Always there. So he kept going.

"I - I tried to say no to Obie. I tried, I mean, I wasn't a kid anymore, but, but he…."

"Stane?" Tony looked up, hearing Rhodey's angry voice. The tiredness on his face had been replaced with a fierce rage. "What did he do?"

Tony forced himself to keep going. "Remember when I totaled the Jag? Told you I'd partied too much, celebrating taking my rightful place in the company?" Rhodey nodded slowly, understanding quickly flooding his eyes. "I…uh…I didn't. Didn't crash the car. I was at Obie's."

Suddenly Rhodey was up on his feet, looking ready to fight. Ready to punch somebody. "No. No! You had broken ribs. You were all bruised up…" He turned away from Tony, groaning as if in pain. The bedside lamp was in his hands and he launched it across the room so it crashed to pieces near the window. Luckily it was a lamp that Tony had installed with the décor of the room, not something Bruce had picked out for himself.

Rhodey's back was to Tony but he still looked ready to explode. Tony quickly hopped up from the bed and ran to him, grabbing his arm.

"Don't punch the wall. Whole floor's reinforced. Built to withstand the Other Guy. You'll break your arm."

Rhodey let out a defeated sound. "I gotta punch something. Someone," he growled.

"You want I'll ask Natasha to go a few rounds with you later. She's been training me; it'll definitely be a workout." Tony couldn't believe his voice sounded almost normal.

Then he felt Rhodey's hand covering his, maintaining contact. "I know it's hard, but can I - can I ask you…about this?"

The engineer nodded. He didn't really know if he could answer, but he'd try. He'd come this far.

"So he, Stane did that, he hurt you like that to "convince" you to-?"

"Do whatever Murphy wanted. To get his business. And Murphy wanted what Obie wanted." Tony stepped back and tried to pull his hand away, unable to fight the overwhelming urge to run and hide, but Rhodey's hand moved with his, and his friend's arm went around his back, holding him. Steadying him.

"Ok. Just breathe, ok? I got you."

Tony nodded, leaning into Rhodey's warmth. That face, that voice, those arms, the one constant in his life for so long. Always there. If he closed his eyes he could almost be back at MIT, Rhodey talking him through a hard night…

Rhodey helped him back to the bed and sat Tony down, staying right next to him, not letting go.

"So I… paid uh, instead of financial bribes it was ...sexual favors… for the contracts." Somehow the words came out of Tony's mouth. He figured putting it in those terms, like it was no big deal, like it was just one of the many things he regretted from his life "before", maybe that would ease the pain in his chest….

"No. You didn't."  Rhodey's voice was hard and angry. Tony was sure the confusion at that was showing on his face. "That's not what it was. This wasn't something you did, Tony. This was something that was done to you. You were manipulated, forced, terrorized even, into doing those things. I'd say you had no choice."

The shame churning through Tony's gut begged to differ, but he tried to hold onto Rhodey's words, to believe him, at least a little.

"You didn't have anybody…." Rhodey shook his head harshly, his hand covering his mouth. "God, I shoulda seen, I mean you did some crazy things, but I thought it was because of Howard, you were being rebellious, that stupid, self-destructive thing you do. I didn't know…."

"It's not your fault. It's not. I didn't even… I didn't wanna have to tell you this. I didn't, but you know the guy. And then you talked to Murphy at the gala. I don't know what he could do… But I just - I don't want you to think…to think I'm…" Tony slumped down onto the bed, drowning in a million horrible feelings, along with the confusion.

Then Rhodey was crouching there in front of him, meeting his gaze. Not looking away. No pity or disgust in his eyes. Just that unwavering belief that had, by some miracle, always been there.

"You know what I think of you, Tones? What I think of you? I think you're the bravest, smartest person I've ever known. The best."

Tony shook his head at that. "But it's…I should have- I shouda…I didn't stop him. I-"

"No!" Rhodey crushed Tony in a tight hug, so tight it burned his shoulder a bit. "No. None of this is your fault. None of it. Don't _ever_ think that."

Rhodey just held Tony tight while he shuddered and tried to stop his tears.

"What I think is, I get annoyed when you don't tell me things. That's all. This is better. I know it's hard, it's gotta be real hard, but it's better."

After a moment, Rhodey grabbed the box of tissues from the still-intact nightstand, and handed Tony one so he could wipe his face.

"What did he - what did Murphy say to you at the gala?" Rhodey met Tony's gaze, a quieter, though still murderous rage overtaking him.

"He was just - just messing with me. I think. Said he saw the pics of me and Bruce and wanted to check him out."

"That all?"

"And that - that I was looking good and…and that he knew I - uh - I "enjoyed our time together", like it was - like - I don't know- something normal." Tony was using all of his strength just to breathe and not think about that. Not think about Murphy's hands. His voice.

"Has he done this before? Contacted you recently? You tell me cuz if he has he's gonna get War Machine's newest missile to the face." From the look on Rhodey's face it was clear he wasn't joking about that.

"No. Absolutely not. I hadn't seen him in years, except maybe just across the room at some function or other. And even before he-" Tony trailed off, some things clicking into place in his head, in his memory. Things he'd never thought about, just pushed away.

But now he had to look at it, had to deal with it. Not just for himself. Murphy could have hurt others… He'd only been worrying about what Murphy knew about him, could reveal about him, and not about what Murphy could have done to others.

"He stopped when… oh _fuck_! You know, I've always looked younger than I am, and when I took over the company, after a few years, I filled out a bit, started looking older I think and he - _fuck_ \- he wasn't interested anymore."

The horror of what Tony was saying was reflected back in Rhodey's eyes. Tony had never thought about that before. He'd just been glad when it had all stopped. And he'd locked it away in his mind.

"I never - I never thought about that. If he hurt other people. God-I didn't-" Tony tried to swallow over the lump in his throat. "I couldn't tell anybody. I couldn't!" Rhodey's arm tightened around him.

"I know. I know." Rhodey's voice interrupted Tony's spiraling thoughts.

"God if he…if he hurt other people, if he hurt kids, I'll destroy him." He found himself echoing Jarvis' words. But he meant it, completely.

"Know that too," Rhodey confirmed."And I'll be right here with you when you do. Jarvis," Rhodey queried. "You have eyes on this guy?" "I am constantly monitoring him."

"And what've you found?"

"To date I have scanned all of his communications and the only references to Sir regard his business discussions or discussions of Iron Man and the Battle of New York. I am currently analyzing deleted files and should have some information on these soon."

Tony swallowed, trying to find his voice.

"And, Lt. Colonel, please know that I am keeping Murphy under close surveillance. I will not allow harm to come to Sir because of him."

"Yeah, well me neither." Rhodey pulled back a bit. His eyes searched Tony's and saw everything. Everything.

"How did Bruce not go green over this?"

Tony sighed. "He kinda did, but the Other Guy was contained at the time. The Other Guy's been real protective of me lately. I'll show you some footage later."

Rhodey nodded.

"It's… Bruce actually has a thing against outright murder, you know. At least when he's not green."

Rhodey scoffed. "This wouldn't be murder. This would be taking out the trash." Now his eyes were burning with rage. "He even ….even _looks_ at you again and I will kill him! And I know you can do that all by yourself if you have to, _cowboy_ , but I'm not giving you a choice here. I'm here now, and you can't - you gotta tell me. You gotta let me in. Fuck!"

Rhodey turned his head away, and Tony could hear him trying to control his own breathing again. His hand squeezed Tony's tightly.

"Thank you," Tony managed. "For the gala. Murphy - he grabbed my arm and I couldn't, couldn't think. Didn't know what to do. Just fell apart." Like he'd been doing a lot lately.

"I'm here. You know I'll always be here, if you let me in. I can't imagine how hard it's gotta be to talk about this stuff, but it's better that you let me in. It's hard, I know but it's better."

Tony took a moment just to breathe, trying to summon up some sort of composure.

"Since we're being all … uh, sharing here, just cuz I figure you're gonna nag me about it if I don't tell you, I am in "therapy". Kind of."

"Kind of?" Rhodey was clearly wondering if Tony was making it up.

"Jarvis is…I'm seeing him. I'm kind of doing therapy with him."

Rhodey was silent at that for a moment, then nodded. "You know, that actually sounds like not a crazy idea. Is Jarvis ok with that?"

"He's the one that suggested it. He's researched  everything and I think he probably got himself a couple of doctorates since I started, this started…coming back to me."

Rhodey's hand was gently laid on his shoulder.

"And you're even letting a doctor treat you. That's new. You sure you're not a pod person?"

"I know it's unprecedented," Tony smiled. "She's Natasha's doctor." Rhodey's eyes widened at that. "So, I figure if Nat trusts her, that's gotta be worth something. She's ok. I actually like her."

"Dr. Rodriguez is an expert cardiac surgeon, who has worked with SHIELD for some time, and has experience in unusual cases," Jarvis' voice cut in. "I have conducted a full background check on her."

"I'm sure you have. Sounds good. Sounds really good."

* * *

Bruce had set out the fresh bagels and tubs of cream cheese he'd bought, and was putting together one of Tony's shakes when Rhodes came out to the kitchen.

"Hey. Doc's checking on him." Rhodes went to the coffeepot and poured himself a mug. He leaned back against the counter, staring at Bruce.

"Good." Bruce prickled under the gaze, not knowing what Rhodes wanted from him.

"Did you do that?" His face was strangely kind and curious.

"Do what?" Bruce turned from the blender to ask.

"Get him to see a doctor. A real doctor. To talk about things. I - I've never - He's never talked to me this much, ever. I mean, sober. It's always been so hard, with him."

"I don't think that I got him to do things. I hope, maybe, he feels safe with me. Safe enough, that that's why he's telling me this stuff. I don't think he'd be talking if he really didn't want to."

Rhodes was nodding. He took a sip from his coffee mug.

"And, well, the team has been a good thing for both of us. Steve and Tony still have their differences, but he's a great leader and he's been a good friend to me. And Tony's gotten … close with Natasha."

"With _her_?" Bruce knew that Rhodes still had reservations about Natasha, because of her spying on Tony.

"No, she's not what she seems. I had issues with her at the beginning too. The Other Guy almost smashed her to pieces because of it," Bruce winced at that horrible memory. "But if she's on your side, she'll burn down the world for you. And she's on Tony's side. She got to him first when he had that attack. Convinced him to let Dr. Rodriguez treat him. I was - was still the Other Guy and I couldn't help him…"

"I think you been helping a lot." Rhodes set his mug down on the counter and took a step toward Bruce, getting closer to him than most people would. "Do you hug?"

Bruce was a bit taken aback by that. "Uh…well, I can try," he shrugged. If he could handle hugs from Steve and Happy, he should be able to handle this.

Then Rhodes was crushing him close in a tight hug, a hitch in his voice. "Thank you. Thank you. Whatever you've done, you are definitely doing something right."

Bruce finished up Tony's shakes and put together a bag of fresh bagels for the doctor. Then Tony was walking into the kitchen, wearing a dressing gown over his boxers and t-shirt, and running his hand through his hair.

"Hey guys." He sat at the island and grabbed a bagel, while Bruce put a shake in front of him and Rhodey poured him a coffee. "Mmm," he said while chewing. "Great service at this place."

Rhodey sat down next to him and Bruce across from him, adding honey to his tea.

"Think you can handle a field trip?" Bruce queried Tony. "Fury's coming here for our meeting after lunch, then I'm going to the shelter with Steve this afternoon. You guys wanna join us? I think Dr. Rodriguez will probably give you a get out of jail card for that."

Tony nodded. That might be a good distraction. He realized he hadn't been there in a while. In too long. "Good idea. I'm in."

Strangely there were no calls to assemble or emergencies during breakfast, and Bruce watched Rhodes teasing Tony and making him smile, and then Tony's eyes met his and Tony's hand found his across the table, holding on tight.

When they'd finished, Rhodes went to take a shower, and Bruce moved over to Tony, wrapping himself around Tony's back. The engineer sighed and leaned against him.

"Sorry I didn't tell you I called him. You mad?"

"No. No. I'm glad he's here. Real glad. Anyway, if it hadn't been you, J probably would have called him anyway."

"I most likely would have, Sir. It is clearly beneficial for you to have your friends around."

Tony held tightly to Bruce's arms. "And, uh, well, I let him into the circle of trust. I told him about Murphy. He asked and I figure he needs to know."

Bruce just squeezed him tighter at that.

* * *

Tony wanted to show up at the shelter in his suit, give the kids a show. It was something he'd done before, but not for a long time. Dr. Rodriguez had shot down that idea, so he made a few calls and had basically the entire contents of a Lego store delivered to the shelter that afternoon.

Diane, the shelter director, had laughed at him. "You're like a divorced parent, Stark. Thinking that toys can make up for not spending time here."

She was right that he hadn't been there in a long time. He used to come by when he could. He had known Diane since she started working at the place 3 years before. Even before Afghanistan he put in appearances at his charities. It wasn't all for show.

But for a while he hadn't done a lot of things he used to do, a lot of things he hadn't done much since falling through a hole in the skies. And he decided to assuage his guilt by spending money.

He knew that toys could not make up for not having decent parents, or a mother and her children having to run away from a violent husband. But he was here today, and the toys could give the kids a few hours of fun. Time when they could actually be kids. A few hours of fun certainly wouldn't do any harm.

Bruce went to help Steve with his art lessons, clearly giving Tony some space to spend time with Rhodey. So now Tony was overseeing the construction of a huge Avengers tower in the playroom, and Rhodey was in charge of the coloring table.

Tony placed the Lego Widow on the tower, but the kid nearest to him - Chris? - grabbed the toy and threw it across the room.

"We don't need her! We need Thor and Hawkeye!"

"Oh yeah? You're wrong about that. Iron Man needs her. She's saved my life at least 15 times," Tony insisted.

But it was clear the kid wasn't gonna listen. Tony weeded his way around the clumps of kids to find where the toy had landed, on the floor next to the table of kids that were coloring, crayons and paper scattered everywhere.

He bent down and scooped up the Widow toy, and as he stood up his eyes fell on the drawing of the kid nearest him. A little girl was focused on coloring Iron Man, her black pigtails falling down around her face.

Iron Man. Flying. Tony stood still and looked closer at the drawing. It was Iron Man holding the nuke. Flying up into the portal. He swore his heart stuttered in his chest. _Shit._

_Breathe, idiot breathe._

He stepped back, faking nonchalance, forcing himself to walk somewhat normally back to the Lego tower he'd been building, catching Rhodey's eye.

"Hey, Honeybear, can you help Chris and Kaylee here a minute? I'll be back in five."

"Sure." Rhodey looked at him carefully, but thankfully didn't say anything more.

Tony used all his focus on walking - not running - to the elevator, putting in his access code. The kids weren't allowed to ride it alone, and weren't allowed on certain floors without authorization.

He punched the button for the last floor, breathing, planning on going out on the roof to get some air.

 _Don't think about the portal._ Before all this other stuff, that had been the main star of his nightmares for the last year and a half, along with everything else that he already had to deal with.

He stepped out of the elevator and ran up the few steps to the door that opened onto the roof. He found himself leaning on the wall surrounding the roof, his hands propped on the ledge, frigid air blowing around him.

He looked down at his hands, not out at the buildings. He was not thinking about falling from the sky into those buildings. He wasn't.

_The Other Guy caught you. Bruce caught you. You're ok._

Tony didn't really remember that part of it, but that didn't mean he didn't have nightmares about it. And about everything he'd seen through the portal…

"Sir, can you hear me?" Jarvis' concerned voice came through his earbud. Tony had been anxious to get out of the tower, but he didn't quite trust himself without Jarvis along.

"Yeah, I, yeah."

"Just take deep breaths. You know where you are?"

"Yeah. I know. I'm ok. I am." It was ok. He was doing what Jarvis told him, avoiding "triggers". Not freaking out any kids. Not completely losing it.

 _Breathe. Just breathe,_ he kept repeating to himself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole thing with the kid's drawing is not mine, obviously, but taken from Iron Man 3.


	38. Good Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They tried to hide it, but Bruce and Rhodey kept giving Tony these looks, like they were tiptoeing around him, waiting for him to crack. To fall apart. That might happen later, probably would, he knew, but right now he felt a cold certainty gaining ground inside him. He could do this. He would get through this, especially if there were others to fight for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the trigger warnings for this chapter, plus there is mention of past physical abuse.

Tony was staring down at his hands, listening to J's voice calm him down, when another voice interrupted him.

"Hey. You ok?" It was a girl's voice, coming from his left. Tony turned his head and saw a teenage girl sitting against the wall a few feet from him, a cigarette in her hand. She seemed around 16, with long black hair that was purple at the tips, and was huddled in a green parka that was a few sizes too big.

He tried to put on his "Tony Stark" face, but she could clearly see through that. Her hazel eyes were serious and kind.

"You need a Xanax? I can go steal one from Jason."Tony must have given her a strange look, because she hastened to add, "He actually has a prescription. He's not a drug dealer or anything."

It took Tony a moment to understand what she was saying. She was… worried about _him_? Who knew what this kid had been through to end up here and she was worried about him? Wow. He gave her a nonplussed look before he managed to get his face back under control.

"No, I'm - I'm good, thanks. Just needed some air." He turned away from the skyline and leaned back against the wall, still concentrating on his breathing. His heart was gradually slowing, the anxiety seeping away a bit.

She nodded at that, taking a drag from her cigarette.

"Did you wanna be alone?," he asked. "I didn't see you out here. I didn't mean to interrupt…"

"I don't actually own the roof or anything. You can stay if you want," she shrugged. She looked down at a phone on the ground by her feet, tapping it and smiling.

"Wait, you supposed to be out here?" She was a kid after all, and Tony knew they had rules about where they could go in the center.

"Yeah. I have some special privileges." She looked back up at him. "Diane gave me a code, just for the roof, says I can't smoke inside, and thinks it's safer to sit out here than on the rickety fire escape. But I have to check in with her every ten minutes," the girl rolled her eyes and gestured to the phone, "or she'll send out the cavalry for me."

"Oh. Ok. Good." Tony slowly sat down, leaning his back against the wall too, but making sure not to move too close to her. He knew what it was like when people got in your space and you didn't want them to. "You're not interested in painting with Cap?" he enquired.

"Not today. He's ok, really. He's a good teacher and all. I actually like painting. Just sometimes get really sick of people, you know.“

"Yeah. I do. I know." Tony leaned his head back against the brick wall and closed his eyes a minute, concentrating on his breathing, still feeling a bit of adrenaline thrumming through him.

"I am right here, Sir," Jarvis whispered in his ear. Tony gave him a small grunt of reply.

"Hey, uh, I'm Reese - I go by Reese," the girl said. Tony opened his eyes and gave her a real smile.

"I go by Tony," he replied.

"Oh, I thought it was -" she put on a serious face and did an almost perfect imitation of him - "I am Iron Man."

Tony laughed. "Only sometimes. I'm on a break this week." He wrapped his arms around himself to protect himself a bit from the cold.

 "Yeah. You guys have been pretty busy." She glanced down at the phone and then back up. "So what, did Steve bring the whole team for show and tell today?"

"Something like that."

They sat in silence for a few moments, then she gestured with her cigarette, offering it to him.

"Oh, I'd love to, but I'm not supposed to anymore. Got some lung issues."

She looked at him carefully, her gaze on his chest, nodding. The light from the reactor could be faintly seen through his t-shirts.

"Yeah. That has to have messed with your lung capacity. And you probably lost a big piece of your sternum too."

Tony gave her a curious look. "You a doctor?" he teased.

"One day, maybe. Just getting my GED right now." She took a puff from the cigarette and slowly blew out the smoke. "After that I thought about getting my paramedic certification."

"Good. Good. School's important." Good Stark, there was something that actually sounded like it came out of a 'responsible adult's' mouth and not some guy that couldn't hold it together for five minutes.

He realized he was shivering; it was bitingly cold out here and he'd come out without a coat. Tony reached up to pull down the sleeves of his t-shirt, and heard Reese gasp. It was slight but he heard it. He froze with his fingers holding his right shirt sleeve, and looked up, seeing her eyes were fixed on him. Wide and shocked.

Her hazel eyes were fixed on the inside of his elbow.

"What - ah - who gave you yours?," her voice was serious and slightly pained, and she kept staring at his arm.

"What?" He had an idea what she was asking, but was kind of afraid to know for sure. He looked down at the skin on the inside of his elbow. It was a round scar bisected by other scars so usually people didn't realize what it was. What had caused it. Probably wouldn't recognize it unless…

Seeing that he wasn't answering, Reese switched her cigarette to her left hand and pulled up the left sleeve of her parka just enough to show the pale skin of her wrist. And in the middle, a round scar just like his. Exactly what you would get if someone put out their lit cigar on her skin.

Just like his. _Fuck._

Tony had no idea what to say. He tried to suppress the shudder that went through him, and forced himself to meet her questioning eyes.

"Sorry," she shrugged. "Got a problem with boundaries."

"Hm. Yeah, you know, uh, people are always telling me the same thing," he tried another smile to put her at ease. But she was still looking at him a bit expectantly. Damn. What harm would it do to tell her? She obviously knew what it was. From personal experience. "This, uh," he gestured to his arm. "My father. Dear old Dad." He couldn't quite hide the anger and bitterness in his voice.

She nodded. "Stepdad." Her voice was flat, but she couldn't completely keep the fear out of her eyes.

"Where is he now? Is he still around? Cuz I'll get the whole team together and we'll pay him a visit. I mean it. Make sure he never-"

"No no no." She put her hand up, stopping his avalanche of angry words. "He's in jail. I mean, prison. Drugs. Got a long sentence."

"Good. Good to know. But you get Diane to send me his name. What prison he's in and all. All his details. I can make sure he stays in there. Forever." He tried to put on his confident face. "I know people."

"I know. You know the president."

"Oh, I know way more important people than the president." That finally got a little smile from her.

They sat in silence for a few moments, Tony breathing in the freezing air. Then she spoke again, glancing over at his arm.

"Can I ask you another question?"

He nodded, figuring why the hell not at this point. "Ok. Go 'head."

"Your Dad. He was like, Howard Stark, right? Like "The Howard Stark" Like you're "The Tony Stark."

"Yep." That was great, it was always nice to be a brand. Except when it wasn't.

"The guy that made Captain America down there. Developed all kinds of tech and 'modernized modern warfare' and all that crap. That guy, right?"

"That's him." That was one part of Howard. The rest was things he hadn't shown the media. His anger. His drinking. The disregard he had for his own son.

"I always kind of thought…" she trailed off. He could tell she was nervous, maybe realizing where this conversation had actually headed, thinking that she'd overstepped.

"What? It's ok. Ask. I can always say no comment," he said, smiling gently. "I'm very practiced at dodging questions I don't wanna answer."

She nodded and seemed to gather her courage.

"I guess I always kind of thought that rich people had it easier."

"Yeah. Ok. Well, I never had to worry if there was gonna be food on the table. And I did always have the nicest toys. Still do actually."

He could see her processing that. He didn't know if it was right to be so honest with a kid, but he thought kids deserved honesty. Too many adults tried to treat them like they didn't know anything, when they often knew more than the adults did. Lies just hurt worse.

Reese looked pointedly away from him, her eyes on the distance, and after a few minutes, her voice came again, almost a whisper.

"You…have nightmares?"

Tony huffed out a sound that was almost a laugh. "All the fucking time."

She started to say something else, but the door to the stairway opened and Bruce walked out, carrying Tony's dark wool coat and red scarf. Reese clammed up immediately and pulled her knees to her chest.

"Hi," Bruce gave Tony a concerned look. "Jarvis thought you might want your coat. You must be freezing." He stopped when he noticed Reese. "Oh, hi. I'm Bruce."

"This is Reese," Tony said.

"Hi," Reese gave Bruce a nod, not moving from where she sat. Tony got up and met Bruce halfway across the roof. He took the coat from Bruce's hand and slipped into it.

"Thanks babe. I was kind of freezing."

Bruce glanced at Tony. "Is she allowed up here?"

"Yeah, she purportedly has special privileges to smoke out here." Bruce's gaze moved to the cigarette in the girl's hand, then he gave Tony a questioning look.

"You weren't smoking too? Are you crazy?"

"No! He didn't smoke! I was peer pressuring him but he said no," the girl jokingly jumped to his defense.

Tony chuckled at that. This girl was quickly making it onto his list of people he'd kill for. "It's ok. Really. We're fine up here. She was kind enough to share her roof privileges with me."

Bruce's eyes searched Tony's. "You ok up here?"

"Yeah. We're fine. I'm fine. I'll be down soon." He pulled Bruce close and kissed him quickly, squeezing his shoulder.

"Ok. Ok. I'll go back to helping Steve."

Once the door to the stairwell had closed, Tony heard Reese laughing.

"What?"

"God, you guys are _so_ married."

Tony looked back at the door to the stairwell, thinking. "Hm. Yeah, I guess we kinda are."

"Wait. Wait! Did he say JARVIS? You have JARVIS here?"

Tony turned to her and pointed to his earbud. "Yep. He's here. And here," He took his Starkphone out of his pocket and walked back to her. He sat and held the phone facing her.

"J, say hello to Reese."

"Pleasure to meet you Miss Reese."

"That is so cool." A huge smile lit up her face. She reached for the phone, then stopped, unsure. "Can I ask him stuff?"

Tony put the phone in her hand. "Sure. Ask him whatever, just - " He froze with his hand a few inches above hers, not touching her but just a warning, "uh, don't ask about aliens. About…" he swallowed and forced himself to say it, "space. I - I don't…talk about that."

She nodded solemnly. "Got it." She sat back and got a mischievous look on her face. "So, Jarvis. Did Mr. Stark really hack into the Pentagon when he was my age?"

"I cannot confirm nor deny that rumor. But I can say that the reports were not completely untrue."

"Hah!" She smiled at him. "Oh, this is gonna be fun."

* * *

When they got back to the tower, Tony had to suffer through both Bruce and Rhodey hovering over him, making sure he ate something before they agreed to go down to the lab with him.

Now the three of them were working together, trying to improve Tony's cocktail. As he'd hoped, Tony and Bruce's ability to work together was only enhanced by the addition of Rhodey's mind. Tony was enjoying himself, despite the thinly-veiled disapproval he got from both men once they understood exactly what he'd been injecting himself with in battle.

When Tony went to fill up on coffee in the kitchenette in the back of the lab, he glanced at the time, surprised to see it was the middle of the night. It didn't matter; they were in the zone and working well together.

He came back with a mug for Rhodey too. Bruce's tea needed to steep for a while, and Jarvis would tell him when it was ready to drink. Tony watched Bruce and Rhodey a moment. They were looking at a 3d hologram of the new mixture, and Bruce was getting comfortable enough with Rhodey to even talk over him.

Tony set down both mugs on the table beside Rhodey and his friend turned to smile at him. "Hey, what's-"

"Sir." Jarvis' voice interrupted. Serious. Too serious. "I apologize for the interruption. But I must inform you of something."

Bruce's and Rhodey's eyes locked on to Tony's, reflecting the concern he was feeling. Rhodey's hand was on his arm, guiding him to sit on the nearest stool. Tony couldn't keep holding Rhodey's gaze, but just stared down at his coffee mug.

He forced himself to speak.

"You - you got something? News?"

"I have still not found any specific information on you, Sir, aside from Murphy's comments and internet searches I mentioned previously. There are many suspicious financial transactions that should be investigated. More importantly, I have managed to recover several partial image files that had been deleted. They were highly corrupt, but using unauthorized access to certain processors I shall not name so that you may claim deniability, I have just managed to render them somewhat clear."

At that Tony grabbed onto Rhodey's hand, squeezing tightly. God he didn't want to know this. But he had to.                                   

"What these files seem to be, if I am correct, make it imperative to find a way into Murphy's non-networked devices. It means he is at the least in possession of highly illegal materials."

"What-what are they?" Tony managed to croak out.

"They seem to be images of children in a state of undress."

Tony closed his eyes, feeling Rhodey's hand squeeze his tightly. He heard Bruce gasp, and guessed that Bruce was probably doing the same breathing exercises Tony was.

But the feeling churning through him was new. At least recently. Tony wasn't afraid right now. No. _Murphy had probably hurt other people. Kids._ Tony felt a burning rage flow through him, that was drowning out his fear for the moment.

Everything was so confusing when he thought about himself, but if that monster had hurt other people - had hurt kids! - Tony would take on all of Asgard to bring him down.

Bruce got up from his stool on the other side of Rhodey and walked carefully over to Tony, trying to stay calm. The engineer had his eyes closed, one hand on Rhodey's arm. Bruce shared a look with Rhodey before putting his hand on gently Tony's free arm.

"Tony? Look at me," he coaxed.

Bruce was afraid of what to expect when Tony opened his eyes, but when Tony looked up at him, he didn't see fear, he saw the emotion he was most familiar with. He saw anger burning in those beautiful eyes.

Tony had finally found his rage. Bruce felt an answering growl in the back of his head and shivered.

"We have to stop him." Tony's voice was firm, strong. "Whatever it takes. That fucking monster. I'm going to destroy him."

"Yes," was all Bruce could manage to say. He could see the determination and rage in Tony's eyes; it was so much better than the fear.

"J, what do we do? What's our next step?"

"First, am I correct in understanding that your goal is to uncover all of Murphy's crimes. Especially those regarding this issue? And bring him to justice?"

Tony was silent a moment, then nodded. If Murphy had hurt others, they deserved to see him punished publicly.

"Yes. Yes," Tony declared. He stood up, shaking off the concerned hands on him perhaps too abruptly, but he needed to move. He started pacing around the lab.

 _This issue…_ Jarvis was tiptoeing again too. He couldn't stand that.

"Yes. We need to know everything. If Murphy is …is a damned rapist pedophile, yes. I want him crucified. Through legal channels, if possible." There were probably people out there that needed to see him sent to prison, needed to know he couldn't hurt them anymore.

Tony glanced over at the two men silently and carefully watching him. Rhodey shot him a glance that clearly stated - _and we can always kill him later if we have to._ Bruce just looked shell-shocked, but seemed to be in agreement.

"Very well, Sir. The next step required human involvement. We need to infiltrate the locations where Murphy has devices that are not networked, which I was unable to get into."

Oh. So Jarvis was saying they needed some spies? Did he mean-?

"In that case, I believe it would be wise to involve Agent Romanoff, as she is already partly aware of the situation and she should have the right contacts to place people in these locations. Before involving the authorities we need to acquire greater proof of Murphy's misdeeds."

Tony nodded. He guessed it was helpful to have your own personal spies living with you. And Natasha did already know a lot. "That sounds good. Get her here."

Jarvis managed to contact Natasha and told them she could be there in an hour. So Tony fired up more coffee and they started looking over the information Jarvis had gathered. They tried to hide it, but Bruce and Rhodey kept giving Tony these looks, like they were tiptoeing around him, waiting for him to crack. To fall apart.

That might happen later, probably would, he knew, but right now he felt a cold certainty gaining ground inside him. He could do this. He would get through this, especially if there were others to fight for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally went back and forth a million times about including this OFC and her conversation with Tony, but in the end she felt needed.
> 
> Sorry, but I am going to be annoying for a moment. DO NOT SMOKE! Seriously. I am that crazy anti-smoking person. I never even reblog pics with smoking in them. My father and brother and both my in-laws died from smoking-related cancers and I am actually allergic to tobacco myself. (I am no saint, I do drink a lot but NO SMOKING). End of being annoying.
> 
> From now till June is the busiest time of year for my work. I have the next two chapters mostly done, I am trying to update when I can.


	39. Good Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knew that each member of the team had been through unspeakable things, but that didn't really help. "But they'll…" Tony let out a tired sigh. "If I tell them, they'll pity me. I- I can't-"  
> "Do you … uh… pity Clint for what he went through with Loki?" Bruce probed gently, his hand on Tony's shoulder, his voice treading carefully. "Or Natasha for how she was raised. Or me?"

Natasha was leaning against a worktable, listening to Jarvis explain what they needed from her. She was dressed all in black, so who knew what kind of work she'd been doing. And Tony, with Jarvis' help, had managed to tell her about Murphy. _Everything_ about Murphy.

Rhodey pressed another coffee into Tony's hand, and one sip made it very clear that the drink was heavily spiked. He gave Rhodey a grateful nod and continued.

When they were done, Natasha nodded. "I can do this. I'll coordinate with Jarvis and select a team. Just know, we don't want Murphy to know he's being surveiled. This is highly delicate. Infiltrating all these locations, all over the world, could take some time. Probably even several months."

"Ok. Whatever it takes. Whatever you need," Tony urged. "Spare no expense."

She nodded again, looking almost hesitant.

"There's one other thing. You know it's important to have all possible intel on a threat. And this guy could be a threat. To you and to all of us."

Tony took a big sip of his coffee, afraid of what she was getting at.

"So we have to know what we're dealing with. It would help us to help you, to have your back. It might be better if the team knew what's going on. What we're doing and what the threat it. The whole team."

She wanted him to tell everyone? Including Steve?

"This-it isn't a SHIELD problem," he tried to deflect.

"No. I know that. But it's a danger to you. That makes it a team problem."

Tony tried to play it off. "You know, I'm not a team player," he snarked. "I think I remember it was you that decided that." He felt Rhodey stiffen beside him. Ok, that came out a bit harsher, angrier than he had intended. But it was still true.

"I was wrong," she said simply, some of her masks falling away from her eyes, some realness coming through. "That report's been redacted. Ask Coulson if you don't believe me."

Tony held tightly to his coffee mug. He should be feeling vindicated on hearing this, but everything was just all jumbled and confused inside him. He wished he could be having this conversation from inside the suit, so he could have his actual armor around him.

"You fooled me at the beginning. Very few people are capable of that. But I see now."

"What is it you see?" He'd fooled _her?_ What did _that_ mean?

"Tony," Natasha's voice softened and she let out a small sigh. "You do so much for us. Spend so much time improving our equipment. Making it the best it can be. Keeping us safe. Even giving us a place to live. I never thought of anywhere as…home before, but here… it's… You should give us a chance to return the favor."

"I'll take it under advisement," he answered coldly. He wasn't gonna talk about this anymore.

"Ok. Do that." She stood up briskly. "I'll start coordinating with Jarvis right away, and I'll let you know when I have the right operatives ready."

As Tony watched her stride out of the lab, he felt the panic starting to creep back, at the thought of telling…telling fucking Captain America that - about all this crap.

How could he do that? _How_?

He felt Rhodey's hand gently land on his shoulder.

"Why don't we try to get a couple hours' sleep. We can finish up tomorrow."

"I fully support that suggestion," Jarvis piped up.

Tony knew when he was beat, and let Bruce take him up to the penthouse. The new bed had been installed, and made up with pale blue sheets and a darker blue comforter. Bruce nodded his approval when he saw it.

Tony sat wearily on the bed and Bruce saw that he was trembling slightly.

"You cold?" Tony nodded. He was only wearing two t-shirts and it felt like an icy wind was tearing through him. He realized it probably wasn't physical, but that's what he was feeling.

Bruce handed him something from the closet and Tony slipped it over his head, realizing it was one of Bruce's sweaters - a heavy purple wool sweater that Tony had gotten him. Warm and soft and smelling of Bruce. It did make him feel a bit warmer.

"I can't." It came out before Tony was even aware he was going to speak. "I can't tell them. Tell…Steve…"

Tony closed his eyes, feeling the mattress dip as Bruce sat next to him.

"You know the kind of things we've all been through. All of us. Do you really think they're not gonna…get it?"

He knew that each member of the team had been through unspeakable things, but that didn't really help. "But they'll…" Tony let out a tired sigh. "If I tell them, they'll pity me. I- I can't-"

"Do you … uh… pity Clint for what he went through with Loki?" Bruce probed gently, his hand on Tony's shoulder, his voice treading carefully. "Or Natasha for how she was raised. Or me?"

Tony turned and opened his eyes, staring at Bruce. "No. No, I don't. No. You know that." He knew Bruce was probably right, but just the idea was too much.

 He shook his head and shrugged off Bruce's comforting hand on his shoulder, getting up and angrily stalking toward the window. "But, it's just, I mean, it feels like…why don't we just take out a full-page ad in the goddamn New York Times so that everybody'll know that he- that I-I"

Tony's voice cracked at that and he couldn't go on. Couldn't say it. He just stared out at the lights of the city.

Bruce watched the tense line of Tony's shoulders. He sat for a moment, silently, then got up and walked slowly towards Tony. He had something to say, and he prayed the Other Guy would stay put and let him say it, though it shot fear through him.

"I know what it's like when… when they are hurting you," Bruce's voice started, soft and pained. Tony stood still and listened, realizing Bruce was talking about things he never talked about. "They keep hurting you. You cry and scream and beg, beg for them to stop, but they don't. They don't listen. They just keep hurting you. You're not a person to them. A thing. A thing for their - enjoyment," he spat out.

Bruce never talked about these things. When Ross had him. Tony realized this was an important gift Bruce was giving him. But he couldn't turn around. He was rooted to the spot where he was standing.

"You can't stop them, no matter what you do, no matter what you try. And they-they-" Bruce's voice faltered, and Tony felt the scientist's arms wrapping around his waist, Bruce's chin resting on Tony's shoulder.

"I know," Bruce whispered in his ear. "I know."

Tony wrapped his arms around Bruce's and held tight.

"Th-thank you." They stood like that for a while, Tony holding onto those arms. Those arms that weren't as big as Steve's or Clint's or even Tony's own, but were the strongest arms he'd ever felt around him. People thought that Hulk was the strong one; they were wrong. The Other Guy had the muscles, but Bruce had everything else.

Tony cleared his throat. "I wanna…just sleep right now."

"Sure. Let's get some rest."

They washed up and then crawled into the fresh sheets. Bruce pulled the blankets up with one hand, guiding Tony under them with the other. Tony grabbed onto him, holding him close, wrapping himself up in the other man, Tony's head pressed to Bruce's chest and those arms around him.

Tony's hand snuck under the back of Bruce's t-shirt and rested splayed against his skin, feeling the contact. What Bruce had needed for so long, and he now knew Tony needed too. Feeling the other's warm skin.

Tony thought he was another kind of monster, and Bruce would do everything to rid him of that idea. even if he had to stay glued to him 24 hours a day. Bruce wouldn't mind.

Bruce almost couldn't hear Tony's whisper.

"Don't…don't let go."

"Never," Bruce whispered back.

* * *

_Dad was yelling. It seemed like Dad was always yelling. Tony didn't know what he'd done this time._

_He was running. It made him a coward, , a baby, like Dad always said, but he was running, trying to make it to his bedroom. He was already five but he could still fit under his bed._

_"Get back here!" he heard his father snarl. Tony concentrated on moving faster, head down._

_He'd almost made it to the stairs, when strong arms suddenly wrapped around him from behind. Somebody was picking him up. He started to struggle at first, hitting and kicking, but smelled a flowery scent and heard an accented voice in his ear._

_"Shhh. Shhh, Tony. It's me, just me, darling boy," the voice whispered to him. Tony slumped in those arms, those safe arms. He heard the voice grow angry, directed at his father._

_"You go sleep it off, Howard. That's enough!"_

_Tony turned around in Aunt Peggy's arms and latched onto her, his arms wrapped around her neck and his legs around her waist. She was strong and could still pick him up, would still pick him up, instead of calling him a baby like his Dad._

_Before he knew it they were in up Tony's room, and Peggy stretched out on Tony's bed, letting him hold onto her. He didn't mean to cry, it just happened. Dad would get even madder when he cried, but she just stroked his head softly, holding him close._

_"He-he's mad at me," Tony bawled. Peggy didn't scold him, didn't seem to mind that he was getting snot all over her red blouse. She never told him to stop acting like a baby._

_He heard her voice, whispering to him, her arms tightly wrapped around him. "Sweet, darling boy. You're father's angry about a great many things. Most of them have nothing to do with you."_

_"But he's always mad at me," he grabbed at her blouse, afraid that she would leave him alone. Leave him to his father's anger. His mother was in bed with a headache, as usual. "I didn't mean to-I don't-"_

_"Shh, sweet boy. You're such a good boy. It's not your fault." Her hand started rubbing his back gently, like his Mom would do sometimes to get him to sleep. "Don't worry about him. You are so good, Tony-"_

_"Peggy!" Tony heard his father's angry voice from down the hall and tensed in Peggy's arms._

_"Sh. Sh, Tony. I won't let him in. I promise. I'll stay right here till you fall asleep and I won't let him in."_

_Tony closed his eyes, trying to be good and stop crying. He knew Aunt Peggy would do what she said. She always kept her promises._

Tony's eyes popped open and he looked around his bedroom, confused. He could swear he smelled Peggy's perfume in the air, could feel her arms around him.

_Oh God, Aunt Peggy._

He sat up and rubbed his hands over his face, trying to clear his head.

"Sir? Do you need assistance?" J's voice.

"No. No, J. I'm good. I'm ok." He didn't need any shrinking to understand that dream.

He hadn't visited Peggy in so long, too long. He paid for her to have the best care, and even installed hidden cameras so Jarvis could keep an eye on her carers, make sure they treated her right. He knew that Steve visited her a lot, but lately, when Tony visited, she was so confused she started calling him Howard. And hearing that name directed at him made him want to puke.

He was certain that if he had told Peggy even a bit about what Stane had done, she would have taken him out. No question, no matter the risk to herself. That's why he never told her. She had her own family and he couldn't put her in danger.

Trying not to disturb Bruce, who was still sleeping, stretched out on his back, Tony carefully got up and padded quietly to the closet. Jarvis turned on the light as he opened the door. He walked past his suits and dress shirts, towards the back of his huge walk-in, where shelves ran floor to ceiling.

"J, where's the box of stuff from Aunt Peggy?" he whispered.

"It is on the top shelf in the back left corner of the closet, Sir. Third box from the left."

He went to the row of shelves at the back and reached up to grab the black cardboard box. He sat cross-legged on the plush carpet and put it in his lap. He steeled himself before removing the top, because recently memories were not a good thing.

There were photos, a watch Peggy had gotten him for his graduation from MIT, and, he rummaged at the bottom, there it was.

Tony pulled out a black leather case, just like the one that Agent had shown him when they first met. He ran his fingers across the worn leather. It wasn't hard to think about this, actually. It was a good memory.

He'd been around 4 or 5 he thought, and Peggy had come to visit after not seeing her for months. He couldn't exactly hide the black eye he'd gotten at school. The other kids didn't seem to like it when you were younger than them and knew more than the teacher did.

After fussing over him what he thought was a ridiculous amount, Peggy pulled out a small wrapped box. It was a present, just because. It wasn't even his birthday.

Tony remembered sitting with her on the floor of his bedroom and staring down in amazement at the gift.

It was a silver badge, like a police badge, but with the SHIELD logo on it and his name - Special Agent Tony Stark.

It was so shiny and perfect he was almost afraid to touch it. Tony wanted desperately to make Aunt Peggy happy, but he didn't know if he could take it.

"Is it really for me? You think they'd want _me_?"

"Of course, darling," Peggy smiled. "Of course they'd want you. You're such a good, smart boy they'd fight to have you join us. I should know. I founded the agency."

She pressed the badge into his hand and he held on tight to it.

Peggy had always believed in him. And he knew exactly what she would tell him to do if she could.

If there were kids out there, like the kids he'd seen the previous afternoon at the shelter, that were in danger, that were being hurt, he had to do everything he could to help them. The cost to himself didn't matter.

He remembered what Diane had told him when he first met her, that most of the teenagers at the shelter had run away from abusive homes. He knew that that could have been him if there had been one place in the world where he wouldn't be recognized.

If Murphy was hurting kids… He couldn't let his own cowardice keep them from getting him. He couldn't.

He would have to tell them. He would have to tell the team everything.

Tony looked up as the door to the closed slid open. Bruce was standing there in his flannel pajamas, his earnest eyes questioning.

"Tony?"

Tony motioned him over. "I'm ok. I'm good." He looked down at the badge in his hand. "Com'ere. I wanna show you something."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, let me know if there are mistakes. Had a dental emergency this week so I'm not very focused.


	40. Good Team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He saw Steve's earnest, open gaze, but couldn't hold it. Just couldn't. Coulson was sitting calmly, his face a mask, just like his SHIELD training probably taught him. Clint was carefully staring down at his own hands, but Natasha, Natasha was looking directly at him. Her face calm and that strength in her eyes.  
> Ok. Tony could look at her. He could look at her and say this.

After appeasing Bruce by eating some breakfast, Tony threw on some jeans with Bruce's sweater and went down to his "therapy room." He was now curled up in the red armchair, a huge mug of coffee in his hands. Talking to "Dr." Jarvis.

"I have to tell them."

"Yes, Tony, I believe that is probably the best course of action." Jarvis had switched over to shrink mode. "Normally, disclosure would be solely your decision. When and who to tell. But in this case, circumstances are forcing your hand."

"I know I have to tell them; it's the right thing to do. To let them help." Didn't mean he was happy about it.

"I have seen firsthand the team's interest in your well-being. And if we wish their assistance in taking down Murphy I believe it is imperative they know all the facts."

"Yeah. Yeah. All the facts…."

"It is not necessary to disclose too many details. Just the reason you were aware that Murphy could be a predator. It is clear to me that all the members of the team care about you. I feel they would only wish to help you."

Tony nodded. He could see that. But telling them… "How do I do it? How do I tell Steve…fucking Captain America, that…"

Tony stared down into his coffee mug. If he couldn't even finish that sentence, how could he stand up in front of all of them and talk about this stuff?

"That is a very good question, Tony. We should discuss how you plan to tell them."

"You tell me. Please. I have no fucking clue." He begged Jarvis, completely serious.

"I do have some important things to say on this. How you explain the situation to others stems from how you see it yourself. And we must work on what you say to yourself.  The way you talk about the abuse to yourself and to others has an impact on how you process the situation. Makes a difference in how you feel, emotionally and physically."

"Huh? I- I'm not really getting what you mean." That was something Tony hardly ever said, but, you know, he was trying to "communicate" and all that. But god, was this how other people felt when they talked to him? So fucking confused?

"I'm referring to your explanation to Rhodes. It was "distorted", to say the least. He was right in what he said. There were no sexual favors involved in your relationship with Murphy. You were incapable of giving consent, first legally and then, when you were older, psychologically. All of the sexual contact with both Stane and Murphy was forced on you. And absolutely none of it was your fault."

"But I- I don't-" Tony closed his eyes, trying to push away Obie's voice in his head.

"No buts, Tony. None of it was your fault."

Tony was silent for a moment, sipping his coffee just for something to do. Was there a part of him that believed what Jarvis was saying? He didn't know. Maybe.

"I understand that you don't believe this. You do not have to believe it yet; it may be a long process to get you to understand that, but that is one of my goals. It may take some time. But if you start telling yourself this - this truth - one day you will believe it."

"So, I tell them…that I am a victim?" That was one of those words he didn't want to say. He didn't like the sound of that. Just no.

"You could tell them you are a survivor," Jarvis urged gently.

Survivor? Well, that was better. That was definitely true. Whatever anybody threw at him - bombs, terrorists, goddamn fucking aliens, he had always survived. And he planned to keep doing just that. No matter what.

 "Can I ask you what kind of reaction you are afraid Steve will have?"

"It's not that. I'm sure he'll be all understanding," Tony sighed. "But to know that he knows, for him to know this, when he already thinks I'm…"

"What do you believe he thinks of you?"

_big man, out of the suit…_

Tony stared down at his coffee mug, hiding his eyes even from Jarvis. "What SHIELD thinks, you know. Irresponsible, headstrong, narcissistic, self-destructive…" he tried to smile and joke about it, but the words hurt. Even if they were true, they really hurt. Here with Jarvis he could admit that to himself.

"That is no longer what SHIELD thinks of you. I can assure you that Agent Romanoff was speaking the truth. I can show you a copy of her redacted report if you wish."

"You - you hacked into SHIELD without me asking you to?" Tony felt a smile creeping onto his face.

"Yes. I am a quick learner. And I would also imagine that the millions of people whose lives you saved in the Battle of New York would not consider you any of those things either."

He didn't know about that. Public opinion tended to always go in the opposite direction than what he was hoping.

 "What happened to you is not who you are."

Who he was? He had too many voices in his head telling him who he was. Howard. Obie. But there was also Rhodey's voice. Bruce's voice. Natasha's voice. And he did know that he was someone who would not give up. If Murphy had hurt other people, Tony would fight for them. Even if it meant diminishing himself in Steve's eyes.

"You have got to know Steve now. You have worked together for a year and a half. Do you still believe that the best things about him came out of a bottle?" Jarvis didn't give up.

"No. No." He knew he had said some shitty things to Steve too, but now he could see Cap was a good man. He cared.

But the thing was, everybody loved Captain America. Tony felt like the team scapegoat sometimes. And he didn't mind, usually. He didn't. But this wasn't a usual situation.

"So I would wager that his view of you has also mostly likely evolved as he has got to know you. He was extremely concerned about you this week."

"Yeah, I mean, of course. I know, I know he's a good guy, he cares and all, but…fuck, when I look at him, you know, I hear that voice, always fucking Howard's voice…you know dad - Howard, idolized him. never missed a chance to tell me that I didn't measure up to Cap…."

"I must point out that Howard's view of things does not necessary reflect Steve's. And Steve has made every effort to show you that he is on your side, even though you two do disagree on many things. He seems to be a good man, but he is just a man, not the perfect idol your father made him out to be."

Tony thought about that. He could see that, objectively, but he was far from objective when he dealt with Steve.

"He'll…" his voice was small and uncertain, and it made him want to hit something. Maybe blow something up. "He'll think I'm broken. He'll fucking pity me."

"I disagree with you on that."

Steve probably knew what little about Afghanistan Tony hadn't erased from SHIELD's files. Knew a lot about Iron Man now, the work Tony was doing on clean energy and research and philanthropy. Had seen Tony in a lot of battles. But would any of that matter if Steve knew that Tony had been unable to protect himself, to fight back, so many times? That he'd been so weak?

"You are not broken." Tony huffed out a mirthless laugh at that.

"If you were "broken" you would not have made it out of that cave. You would not be here. You would not be making an effort every day to learn from your mistakes and improve the world around you."

Tony blinked. He heard some raw emotion in Jarvis's voice. "J, is that…that what you think?"

"That is what I know, what I see. And, as you know, I see everything."

Ok. Yeah. Jarvis was the best shrink ever. Tony sipped his coffee, just letting the rush of warmth at J's words flow through him for a while.

They talked some more, then finally Jarvis informed him that the team, including Coulson, would be at the Tower at 4 pm for a briefing from Tony.

This was it. No turning back.

* * *

Tony stood staring into his closet for a good while. He eventually decided on black slacks and a perfectly pressed white shirt. It was just the team, but if he had to stand in front of them and reveal all this stuff, he needed to feel a bit like Tony Stark™. Though he felt anything but.

He stared at his reflection. His eyes were too open. He had to call up his anger. His inner Hulk. Tap into that. That would keep him going.

He watched in the mirror as Bruce walked into the bedroom and Tony's mouth curled up into a smile. Bruce had put on his purple shirt, well, one of the new ones that Tony had bought him.

"So, Jarvis says everybody's arrived. They're waiting down in the common room. Whenever you're ready."

Tony nodded. He grabbed a pair of his shades, with purple lenses to match Bruce's shirt, then turned and took Bruce's hand. Rhodey was waiting out in the hall, and they took the elevator down, Tony quiet and just breathing.

They stepped out into the common room and Tony surveyed the scene. Steve was sitting on the central sofa, flanked by the two assassins. They were all dressed down except for Coulson, decked out in a suit, in the armchair to Clint's left. How many non-descript suits did the man have? But that was Coulson's super-power, wasn't it? Blending in, appearing normal, when he was anything but.

Bruce and Rhodey took some empty armchairs, staying as close to Tony as possible. The engineer stood in the middle of the room, quickly shoving his hands in his pockets. He remembered from all his boring business seminars that hands were one of the biggest giveaways of emotions - nervousness, frustration. Fear. If you didn't want people to know what you were feeling, you couldn't let them see your hands.

He couldn't show his fear. He had to stand tall. Meet them in the eyes.

"Tony, Jarvis said you need to talk to us?" Steve queried.

"Yeah. I have to brief you guys on something."

He saw Steve's earnest, open gaze, but couldn't hold it. Just couldn't. Coulson was sitting calmly, his face a mask, just like his SHIELD training probably taught him.  Clint was carefully staring down at his own hands, but Natasha, Natasha was looking directly at him. Her face calm and that strength in her eyes.

Ok. Tony could look at her. He could look at her and say this.

Tony knew he couldn't be snarky here. He had to be real. Even though it was hard, there were much more important things than his pride on the line now.

"It's not a normal Avengers thing. It's kind of…personal. So, this is how it's gonna work-" He heard his own harsh tone. No, that wasn't right. _Don't be an asshole. You need them. They want to help._ "Ok. I have to talk about something kinda hard. I need you all to just be quiet and listen. I'm gonna say this, and you just listen."

"Of course," Steve piped up. He sounded thoroughly confused, but willing.

_Shit, here we go._

"I'm working with Natasha, and Jarvis. We're going after a guy. This guy, he's a child predator. I'm pretty sure. But we need real proof."

Natasha turned to Steve, her hand on his arm. "A pedophile," she said softly.

Steve swallowed, looking pale. "I know what that is." His blue eyes met Tony's unflinchingly. "And I'm in. Absolutely. Whatever you need. Anything."

Tony had to look away from that gaze, his eyes roaming the room, stopping on Rhodey and Bruce and then finally settling back on Natasha. "I knew this guy when I was younger. And it's all connected with why I've been, uh, freaking out lately. You know, we all have our shit, but my shit's been coming back to me, in a bad way. Stuff nobody knows about."

He hazarded another glance at Bruce, and was met with those warm eyes. That strength. Bruce gave him a small nod. This was the right thing. He had to do it. Just get it over with.

"Uh… the reason I know about this guy, is …" he held tightly to the anger inside him, pulling it up from the depths, "… because I am a …" _no, not that word_ , _the other one_. "…a survivor. Of that kind of abuse.  And it wasn't a one-time thing. This is really old stuff I thought I'd buried, but I guess I didn't."

He was doing it. He was saying it. He fought the urge to cross his arms, balling his hands into fists and keeping them in his pockets.

_Be strong. Don't show your weakness._

"So, uh-" _Breathe. Breathe._ Capsicle was silent, as Tony continued. "Nobody knew about this stuff. And…uh, this shit has been coming back to me recently. In a bad way. And now Bruce, Rhodey and Natasha know. But we thought the whole team should know."

Tony dug his nails into the skin of his palm, feeling his arms shaking with the effort of keeping them in his pockets. "Somebody, uh…," he groaned and forced himself to continue. "…messed with me when I was a kid." Shit. Shit! His eyes were burning _. Fuck, no!_ He had to get through this without falling apart. He had to!

Breathe idiot, breathe. _Do not look at Capsicle, do not!_ He kept hold of Natasha's gaze. That steely, unfathomable gaze. Natasha's eyes were calm, strong, keeping him on his feet. That and Bruce and Rhodey's presence beside him.

They were all there with him.

"The person - the guy - that uh - my abuser, he's dead. So that's not…there's no danger there. But there's this - uh… a _friend_ of his, that could be a threat. To me at least." Tony pushed down the nausea rising up in his throat. "So maybe to you all too. And to other people. I don't know. We're not sure. He was…involved in what happened. I was older but, he was involved. And he knows a lot. Too much. And I don't know what he could do with that knowledge."

_Breathe. Breathe, idiot!_

"I hadn't run into him in years, but he showed up at that gala, after Thanksgiving. Kinda cornered me. Grabbed my arm and started talking about… about this stuff… like it was something normal…"

Tony shivered and dropped his eyes to the floor. He couldn't keep his eyes on them, any of them anymore. Not even Bruce. So he was staring at a spot on the floor, to the left of Bruce's shoe (his ugly brown shoe), and he didn't understand what had happened at first when he heard a huge crash.

Glass shattering.

He jumped backwards, looking up, raising his right arm automatically, ready to call the suit. But he stopped a second and surveyed the scene. Bruce had jumped to his feet and was standing next to him, his hand gently on Tony's arm. Steve was still sitting on the couch, with a piece of the glass coffee table in his hand.

The rest of it reduced to shards at his feet.

Steve's face was anguished, and he was shaking, blue eyes full of rage. Blood was dripping from his fingers but he didn't seem to notice. Out of the corner of his eyes, Tony noticed Coulson jump up and quickly leave the room.

"What's this guy's name?" Steve growled. There was murder in his voice, in his eyes. Absolute murder. Tony just blinked, in shock.

Bruce squeezed Tony’s arm. Tony had gotten this far, but now his were wide, staring at Steve. He was shaking slightly and he seemed afraid – of Steve?

Bruce ran his hand up Tony's arm gently. “Hey,” he whispered. “Hey. He’s not mad at _you._ " Tony turned to look at him, eyes wide with shock, but he nodded at Bruce.

"His name is Terence Murphy," Jarvis supplied, when Tony didn't speak. "I am keeping him under constant surveillance."

"Steve, look at me." Natasha took hold of Steve's wrist, keeping the blood from dripping onto the couch. "Listen to me. We can't kill him yet."

 _Yet?_ Tony thought, surprised.

Steve was shaking. Shaking. He turned to look back at Tony. "Where. Is. This. Guy?" His tone was full-on Captain America.

Natasha slipped her phone out of her pocket with her free hand and tapped it. "Right now he's in a meeting on 65th and 3rd." At Tony's questioning look she shrugged. "I told you I wouldn't look at the intel, and I didn't until Jarvis authorized me to yesterday. But I never said I wouldn't be tracking the guy."

Bruce gently guided Tony to sit in the nearest empty armchair and propped himself on the armrest. Staying close. Tony kept hold of his arm, concentrating on the feel of Bruce next to him. Rhodey was on still there on his other side.

Ok. He was ok. He could do this. He _would_ do this.

"Jarvis and Natasha have been investigating him. And Jarvis has found…" Tony started, but couldn't finish.

"Pictures. Of children," Natasha supplied. She was holding Steve's hand, putting pressure on the wounds. Coulson hurried back to the sofa with the first aid kit and Clint and Nat began cleaning Steve's wounds. They were very thorough, even though Steve would probably heal up in a few hours anyway.

"Perhaps I could I explain, Sir?" Jarvis' voice broke in.

"Yeah. Go 'head." Tony said.

"We are attempting to obtain evidence against Murphy, as much as possible before taking action through legal channels. Agent Romanoff is in charge of choosing operatives to plant in order to gain access to all of Murphy's devices, in order to obtain the proof we need."

Jarvis went on explaining. Tony just sat and wrapped his arm around Bruce's back. Keeping him near.

Tony had done it. He'd said it. They all knew now. The words were out. And somehow the world hadn't ended. The only casualty was a coffee table.

Tony realized he was staring at the floor again, so he forced himself, somehow found the courage to look over at the team, all focused on listening to Jarvis. He catalogued their expressions, and realized Bruce might have been right. He saw anger, rage and pain, but no pity. Not an ounce of pity from anyone.

"There isn't enough to arrest him or bring him in now?" Steve asked, his face still ashen.

"No," Natasha supplied. "We want to get as much proof as possible. And, these kind of guys, they often have networks. They carry out their "hobbies"," she spat with disgust, "in groups. If we do this right, get as much evidence as we can before we act, we could bring down all his contacts."

"Right. Ok. That's a good plan." Steve pulled his bandaged hand back.

"I want him taken down through official channels, if we can." Tony affirmed, trying to keep his voice as strong as possible.

 Steve nodded at him. "I understand. But Tony," those blue eyes bored into Tony's. "If this Murphy gets near you again - and Jarvis you tell me immediately. Immediately. He even texts you and I will take him out."

Tony just blinked at the sincerity and anger in Steve's eyes. He had no idea what to say.

"I think it's safe to say that we all want to do that," Rhodey affirmed, his voice tight. "But we gotta try and stay calm and do this right."

"Tony, wants him brought to justice. We think that's the best thing to do." Bruce cautioned, as Tony seemed to have lost his voice. He was just sitting and staring at Steve in amazement.

Tony cleared his throat, then managed to speak. "Yeah. That's what I want. If he…there's other people out there that he's hurt. They need help. They need to know it when we take him down. I mean, I don't know if it'll be closure or anything like that, but it's important."

Tony dragged his eyes from Steve's and saw Natasha nodding at him. Then Clint's voice came, much more serious and soft than he was used to. "We'll do whatever you need, Tony." Steve sat still, but was quivering with anger, looking ready to go out and fight right now.

"I - I didn't think that he could be hurting others," Tony blurted out. He pulled his arm back from Bruce and couldn't help wrapping his arms around himself. "I didn't think about it. It was just something that I didn't think about. I didn't know-" he trailed off, helpless.

"You had a lot of other things to think about," Rhodey pointed out. Tony nodded at him.

Natasha also jumped in to save him. "I already have 2 operatives chosen, but once I get the whole team together, we'll have another briefing. Jarvis and I have prepared detailed dossiers for all of you. With all the intel we have so far."

Jarvis brought up several holo-screens, and everyone turned to look. There was a photo of Murphy, probably from one of his corporate brochures. Tony felt his stomach clench up, seeing that.

_..can't say you didn't enjoy our time together…_

Tony jumped up. He couldn't do this anymore. He was done here.

"I'm sure Jarvis can give you all the pertinent information, answer any questions you guys have."

Bruce stood up immediately next to Tony, and Tony shot him a desperate look.

"We can handle it from here," Bruce soothed.

"Ok. Ok. I figured you guys had to know, in case… I don't know what he's gonna do. But I'm gonna-" he started for the elevator. He heard his own babbling but was helpless to stop it. "…gotta get outta here. That's it." He randomly waved his hand at them. "As you were or whatever. I'm done right now."

Tony strode out of the room to the elevator, gaze forward, keeping his back held high, keeping it together. He did it, he did, until he got into the elevator and sagged against the wall.

He didn't even realize Rhodey had followed him until he felt the other man's arm around him, holding him up.

"I got you."

Tony didn't even know where they were going until Jarvis opened the elevator doors and he saw they were at the penthouse. Tony stepped out, trying to make it to the living room, to the couch, but after a few steps, his legs decided to stop supporting him.

Rhodey tightened his arm around Tony's back and helped him the rest of the way there. As he collapsed on the couch, he noticed a stack of blankets and bottled water and some other things on the coffee table. Had Bruce and Rhodey planned ahead for Tony falling apart?

Rhodey picked up a blanket and sat next to Tony, wrapping the blanket and his arm around the man.

"Fuck- I", Tony shook his head at himself. He felt a hot wave of - of shame ( _we're identifying our feelings now, remember -_ his internal snarky voice told him) engulf him, making him want to curl up in a ball and die. Just die. Oh god, he'd told them. He'd told them!

Rhodey was holding him tight, his arm around Tony's waist. "I got you. I got you."

Tony nodded. He put a hand on the reactor. His chest hurt, ached.

"That was a real difficult thing you just did. Really hard. You did good."

He was hanging on, he was, his arm wrapped around Rhodey's waist, his face buried against Rhodey's chest, but suddenly he couldn't hold back the tears. Couldn't stop the sobs that burst out of him. It was uncontrollable. His whole body was shaking with them.

Rhodey didn't say anything. He'd seen Tony cry before, of course, but usually when he was drunk. Tony felt Rhodey gently pull off Tony's shades, then just held on and ran his hand up and down Tony's back, the other arm pulling him closer.

He'd told them. He'd actually told them. How could he ever look at any of them again? Talk to them? Work with them?

Tony just lay there in Rhodey's arms and tried to gain some control over his sobbing. After a while, through the pain and shaking he felt something else rising in him. There was a voice. The voice was trying to tell him something else. Tony took a breath and forced himself to listen.

 _They believed you,_ the rational voice said to him. It was true. He could see it, in their eyes. When he was talking. They all _believed_ him. Especially Steve. Steve wanted to go murder the guy that hurt him.

That was something. That was really something.

"They - they believed me," he whispered into Rhodey's chest, hearing his own voice too soft and tentative.

"Of course they believed you," Rhodey said. "We all believe you." He said it simply, like it was just a fact. Maybe it was.

Tony stared down at Rhodey's lap for a while, then finally spoke again. "I never - I never thought anybody would believe me."

_What do you think they'll say? They'll know it's your fault, you're such a little slut…_

"Hey," Rhodey said, and Tony forced himself to turn his face up and look his friend in the eye. Rhodey moved put his hands on Tony's shoulders, holding him firm. "That was in the past. The past. Now you got people, lots of people. And we ALL believe you. All of us."

Tony nodded. Rhodey pulled him back against him and Tony curled up once again with his head on Rhodey's chest. He closed his eyes and forced himself to concentrate on the feeling of that arm around him.

He was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had most of this written and managed to finish it. I will do my best to update at least once a month. Even though some difficult personal stuff is going on, writing helps keep me sane.


	41. Good Cook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's anger was suddenly blindsided as he realized something. Steve was arguing with him. Being his usual, obnoxious self when it came to Tony.  
> Treating Tony normally. Not holding back. Not walking on eggshells, not afraid to get into it with him. Not treating him like he was broken.  
> Tony had to force himself to keep the angry expression on his face as Steve continued haranguing him, because he felt like smiling. Hell, he felt like giving Cap a hug. And, glancing over at Bruce, he saw the scientist eating calmly, enjoying his crepes. Not worried, not upset, because this was all normal.

Tony was pressed against Rhodey's chest, Rhodey's arms around him, safe. Everyone believed him. They were all on his side. He kept repeating that to himself as he drifted, half-asleep.

After a while he opened his eyes a bit, wincing. His head was pounding. It felt like he'd been in a two-day battle. Exhausted. Like he'd felt a few days ago. Everything hurt.

"You're all right, Tony," Rhodey said, his hand rubbing Tony's back.

Tony grunted in reply, pulling back a bit and trying to focus on the other man with bleary eyes.

 "Hey, you wanna go lie down for a while?" Rhodey asked gently. Tony nodded, trying to keep his eyes open.

Rhodey helped him up from the couch and they made their way to the bedroom. Rhodey pulled back the sheets and Tony sat, then flopped backwards onto the mattress. Rhodey even slipped off his shoes before pulling the blankets up over him.

"You're the best, Honeybear," Tony smiled. He saw Rhodey turning away, not climbing into bed beside him, and he reached out, grabbing hold of Rhodey's arm.

"Hey, relax, relax. I'm not going anywhere. Just gotta use the head."

Tony nodded in understanding and let go of the other man, letting Rhodey head into the bathroom. He lay back against the pillows, closing his eyes.

"Jarvis, what's wrong with me?" he croaked out.

"Can you describe the specific symptoms you're having, Sir? I am not detecting anything amiss."

"Just - hurts. Everything hurts." His head, his muscles, his stomach…

"I have not noted anything alarming, but lie still and I will conduct some more in-depth scans."

Tony obeyed, trying to relax a bit. He was listening to "Dr." Jarvis, trying to pay attention to his body, what it needed. That had been a fun lecture, not.

"My scans indicate only slight dehydration. I posit that this pain could simply be your body's reaction to the stress you have been through today."

"Great," Tony huffed. He heard Rhodey come back into the room and opened his eyes. Rhodey was opening the minifridge and taking out a bottle of electrolyte water, then crawling into the bed beside him.

"Here, drink up."

Tony rolled his eyes half-heartedly but sat up. He took the water, downed half of the bottle, then setting it on the bedside table. Then he turned and glomped onto Rhodey, resting his head on Rhodey's shoulder, and Rhodey's arm went around him again.

"Everything's under control. Get some rest. I won't tell anybody." Rhodey whispered warmly. Tony could hear the smile in his voice.

He gently punched Rhodey in the stomach and got a chuckle.

* * *

Steve looked positively green, his blue eyes burning with anger and sadness. He was sitting slumped over at the kitchen island.

Bruce poured some tea into the mug he'd placed before Steve and. Steve wrapped his hand around it, just staring down at the liquid, like he didn't know what to do with it.

After the briefing, Coulson and the two super-spies had gone down to the gym to work out their anger that way, but Bruce saw that Steve needed to talk. He was still pale and shaky after the news Tony had given them all.

Bruce poured his own tea, then sat next to Steve, staying close.

"I didn't mean to. I didn't. I didn't know. I keep thinking, at the battle. I was protecting him, but I realized, I was _holding him down._ God, he - oh god, he thought I-" Steve gripped the mug tightly with his bandaged hand, shaking his head.

"He didn't think you did anything. He didn't know it was you. It's not your fault." Bruce put his hand on Steve's arm, trying for comfort. "Tony doesn't blame you."

"But I know," Steve looked up at Bruce with haunted eyes. "Sometimes I wake up and feel like I'm still in the ice. I know what it feels like to not be… here."

Bruce nodded.  "We all know how that feels."

"I don't know what happened with Howard, but I know that he wasn't exactly there for Tony. Now," he swallowed tightly, "knowing this, I wish - I wish they'd found me sooner. I could have been there. I _would_ have been there. For Tony."

"I know. But you're here now, Steve. We need you now. You've always been here for me. Even on the helicarrier, when you thought Tony was bullying me or something. You stepped right in to defend me."

"I didn't realize that Tony has, uh, unusual ways of showing he cares. But I see how much he cares."

"I hope he's starting to see how much you care, now." Bruce gestured to Steve's bandaged hand.

"I hope so, I really do." Steve put his mug down and pulled off the bandage, checking his hand, which was completely healed.

"I know it's a lot to process, but we're gonna keep everybody in the loop now."

"His…the nightmares getting worse lately and everything. It's been this?"

"Mostly, yeah." Bruce looked away from those pained eyes and took a sip of his tea. "It's been hard, but you all, you've all been a lot of help, even if you didn't know what was going on."

"Same for me," Steve said quietly. "Without you guys, I don't know…. You've been here for me too."

Bruce put his hand over Steve's a moment, nodding. It was true. They were all muddling through in their own way. But now they were doing it together.

* * *

Tony opened his eyes slowly, looking up at the ceiling of his bedroom, taking a moment to remind himself where he was. The pounding in his head had eased somewhat, at least.

Rhodey was sitting up in bed beside him, texting, with a huge smile on his face.

"Who's got you all flushed and smiley sweetie?" Tony teased. He hadn't seen a smile like that on Rhodey's face in a while.

Rhodey turned to him. "Hey. You slept for a while."

Tony nodded. Rhodey glanced at his phone, then met Tony's eyes. "Well, it's, I don't know. Don't know if it's weird. If it's not ok. I think I should ask you if it's ok with you."

Tony sat up with a groan; he still wasn't feeling great, but felt a bit better after his nap. His head felt a bit clearer.

"Well now you have to tell me," he smiled. Whatever it was making Rhodey smile, making him happy. Tony would do anything to make him happy.

"I think I wanna, uh ask your doctor out." Rhodey said in a rush. He was trying to keep his face calm but Tony could see how nervous he really was.

"Elena?"

"Yeah. I brought her some coffee yesterday, before she had to go back to SHIELD, and we talked."

"Hm. I can't say you have bad taste," Tony smiled and put his hand gently on Rhodey's arm to make sure Rhodey didn't think he was upset about this. He liked Elena, and would even say he trusted her now.

 "You know, she's smart, beautiful and she can stand up to you. That's a woman I wanna get to know. But if you think it's weird--"

Tony thought about it. He trusted Elena's promise of confidentiality, and he knew that Rhodey would never tell anyone anything Tony didn't want them to know. And it wasn't like she could find out anything more embarrassing than what she already knew about him.

"No, it's, I mean it might be but who cares. Really, who cares. What about our lives is not weird? You like her. You're smiling. I want you happy."

Rhodey's smile grew wider, and the warmth in his eyes increased.

"You'll probably have to ask her if she thinks it ok. Might be weirder for her than me." Tony put on  a mock serious face. "But if you decide to go for it, you can tell her you have my official blessing."

Rhodey chuckled.

"Thanks. Don't know if it'll be anything, you know. But we clicked. That's hard to find."

"Yeah. Yeah," Tony nodded. "If she makes you smile like a kid with a crush, go for it."

"Me a kid with a crush? Have you seen yourself in the last six months? No, scratch that, ever since you set eyes on the guy. You been-" Rhodey shook his head, laughing.

"Been what?" God, he'd missed this, just joking around with Rhodey.

"Disgustingly in love," Rhodey joked, his eyes sparkling.

Tony was trying to think of a comeback when Jarvis broke in.

"Sir, Captain Rogers has asked me to inform you that he and Agent Coulson will be making dinner at 7:30 should you wish to join the team for a meal."

Oh. Rhodey gave him a wary look. Shit. What Tony 'wished' to do was hide in his penthouse for the rest of his life. But that wasn't him. He didn't hide. He wouldn't hide.

"Ok. Tell him we'll be there. What t-"

"It is currently 6:12 p.m. Bruce is in the living room. I shall relay the invitation to him as well."  

Tony looked down at his wrinkled shirt. "I should change." He left Rhodey to his phone and changed into jeans and one of his old MIT sweatshirts. Rhodey grinned at his choice.

They walked out to the living room to see Bruce placing a tray holding a mug and something Tony couldn't see on the coffee table. Bruce straightened up and smiled gently at Tony as Tony walked over, taking his hand.

"Hey," Bruce said softly. Tony threw his arms around Bruce and squeezed tight. "How're you …feeling?" Bruce ventured.

"Ok. I passed out for a while."

"Good. Good." Bruce pulled Tony over to sit on the couch with him. Tony looked down at the tray.

"This is a delivery from Steve. I talked to him a bit. He's really on your side in this."

"I-" Tony nodded. "I got that." "Thanks for - thanks."

The tray held a large mug of coffee - Steve's coffee from the enticing aroma emanating from it - with a post-it note that read "DRINK ME." Next to it was a pen drive with a note that said "WATCH ME."

Tony picked up the pen drive, laughing to himself "I understand that reference."

"I don't know what it is, he said he had something he wanted you to see. Said we could watch too." Bruce told him. Tony got up to plug the drive into the nearest hub, then sat back down and picked up the coffee. Rhodey came back from the kitchen with his own cup of coffee, a quizzical look on his face.

Jarvis pulled up a screen showing Steve sitting in the communal kitchen, holding a cup of tea in his bandaged hand.

"Tony." Steve nodded and seemed to gather himself. "Just now you had to tell us something I know you didn't want to tell us. I can appreciate that. I really can. And I want you to know that you can trust me with this. Absolutely."

Tony believed that, but it still made his guts crawl, knowing Steve knew this stuff.

"Anything you need, you know you just have to ask." Tony was scanning Steve's eyes for any sign of pity. Still couldn't find any.

"I also, I wanted you to know something, and I don't really know how to say it, so I thought I'd let Jarvis show you some footage. Tell you something about myself. Uh, just that it's not - it's not easy for any of us. People have this perfect image of me, but that's not true. That's not real. Don't think that that's me. We all have our…problems." Steve's gaze moved down to his mug. "Ok Jarvis, you can show him."

The screen switched to a shot from Jarvis' monitoring. The bedroom in Steve's suite, from 3 a.m. several days ago. Tony hadn't seen Steve's suite much, but it looked much more lived in than the last time he'd seen it. The desk was full of charcoal sketches and the floor to ceiling bookshelves next to the bed were now overflowing with books.

The king-sized bed was a wrinkled mess and against the wall to the right of it was a huddle which, as Jarvis zoomed in, turned out to be Steve. Facing away from the camera, he was curled up in Natasha's arms, sobbing while she rubbed his back soothingly.

"I-I couldn't. Couldn't catch him. I should've-"

Natasha was whispering to him, Tony couldn't catch it all, but he did hear a bit. "- everything you could-"

Whoa. Tony couldn't really say how he felt watching this. He understood why Steve was showing it to him. Telling the team had felt like ripping out the arc reactor and placing it in their hands, making himself so fucking vulnerable. Steve was trying, in his way, to do the same. To give him something. He could get that.

On the screen Widow whispered something to Steve and he nodded, then Clint came into the frame, kneeling on the floor behind Steve and wrapping a blanket around him. Clint patted his back and Natasha kept holding onto him until the supersoldier calmed a bit.

The video ended and Tony turned to look at Bruce.

"Ok. Ok. I get it. I'll try to be less of an asshole with him. He's making an effort."

Bruce smiled. "And he's making brunch for dinner. Pancakes, eggs. Bacon even."

"Now that's just playing dirty. Ok, I already said we'd go down for dinner. But you better not count how much bacon I eat."

Bruce just leaned over and kissed him, while Tony heard Rhodey laughing.

* * *

Tony forced himself not to take Bruce's hand as the three of them stepped out of the elevator onto the communal floor. He felt Rhodey squeeze his shoulder before they moved to the dining area. The dining table on was set and overflowing with pancakes, eggs, bacon, the works.

"I don't know how to cook much, but I can do pancakes," Steve said, setting down another plate.

"Looks great to me," Tony said, trying to sound normal.

"Are those crepes?" Bruce asked Coulson, staring at the plate heaped with strawberry crepes and  wondering if he'd be able to get any before Natasha attacked them.

"Yes. My specialty," the agent answered, picking up the serving dish and putting some on Bruce's plate.

"He has hidden talents," Clint piped up.

They all commented on the food for a while, passing around dishes and digging in, then everybody fell quiet, too quiet, Tony thought. Shit, was he right? Was it going to be all awkward now?

He looked up from his plate and ended up making some weird, uncomfortable eye contact with Coulson. Coulson gave him a small nod, then his posture changed, suddenly going into "agent" mode.

"Everyone, listen up. I don't think this can wait. I had a call with Fury earlier. There are updates on the missiles situation."

Everyone went very quiet, listening. Focused on work. Tony was simultaneously extremely worried about what Agent was going to say about the missiles, while feeling immensely grateful to the man for distracting everyone from Tony's situation.

"We have an agent that has managed to get close to the group that all indications are pointing to as the ultimate buyers of the missiles. Passing intel is slow but it's starting to come in."

Coulson laid out the details, explaining that the decision was to wait until they had more intel from the agent before taking action against the terrorists.

"Good." Steve said. Tony shook his head, bunching his fists in his lap. That wasn't a good plan. Waiting. "You don't agree?" Steve asked, getting his usual 'annoyed with Stark' voice.

"It'll take too long. We should push till we find out where the missiles are, then do a ground strike, take them all out. As soon as possible."

"I think we need to wait for more intel first. We can't always go with the Iron Man trademark of "attack first, plan later." Steve gave him an annoyed look.

"But you don't understand what they could do with those missiles, if we wait too long-" Tony was getting angry. He took a breath, trying to tamp down the anxiety that flowed through him. Didn't Steve realize what weapons in the wrong hands could do? It wasn't something to ignore…

"We have a plan, a hierarchy. We have to respect that," Steve just cut him off and began blathering on. Rules, orders, _blah-blah-blah._

Tony's anger was suddenly blindsided as he realized something. Steve was _arguing_ with him. Being his usual, obnoxious self when it came to Tony.

Treating Tony normally. Not holding back. Not walking on eggshells, not afraid to get into it with him. Not treating him like he was broken.

Tony had to force himself to keep the angry expression on his face as Steve continued haranguing him, because he felt like smiling. Hell, he felt like giving Cap a hug. And, glancing over at Bruce, he saw the scientist eating calmly, enjoying his crepes. Not worried, not upset, because this was all _normal._

He looked at the others. Rhodey was watching the scene with his usual unruffled reserve. Clint had the entertained look on his face that he got when watching Tony and Steve argue. And Natasha was only focused on her food. She usually ignored arguments until fists started flying.

Only Coulson seemed actually annoyed. "As fun as this discussion is, _children_ , it's actually Fury that makes the final decision here. And he's made it," the agent cut Steve off. Tony laughed and Steve flushed a bit red.

"Sorry." Steve turned to Coulson, looking chastised. Tony just rolled his eyes.

Seeing that, the worry in Bruce's chest eased some. He knew that it was probably harder for Tony to face the team after telling them than it had been to tell them.

"Man, I wish I could post these lovely moments on YouTube, guys," Clint joked. "You know how many hits they'd get?"

"You do that and I'll have you reassigned to Antarctica," Coulson reprimanded.

"Yes boss." Clint made his voice contrite, then turned to Tony, smiling. "Well, I still have the video of you serenading the Doc. That's pure gold."

"Use it wisely," Natasha advised, a glint in her eyes. "Who knows what you could get him to do in exchange for you not posting that."

"Yeah but there's not much I've done that hasn't been posted online."

It seemed that Clint's comment had broken the tension, and after that conversation returned to something somewhat normal. At least normal for the Avengers. They all piped up with suggestions of what Clint could make Tony do, even Bruce suggested getting him to dress up as Cap.

"Traitor!" Tony accused Bruce in a shocked tone, but he was smiling. Smiling and joking. And Bruce didn't see the fear in his eyes that had been there for most of the day.

So Bruce just smiled back. "I wouldn't mind seeing you in that tight uniform."

After the laughter that got, and Rhodey ribbing Tony some more, talk moved on to Christmas plans. Tony was taking Bruce to Malibu, while Steve was going to spend the holidays in DC with his friend Sam and his apparently large family. Rhodey was visiting his cousins, and Clint and Nat, as well as Coulson, were their usual mysterious selves about their plans.  But Bruce knew those three would probably be spending the holidays together, maybe even with some of their unknown SHIELD friends. Nobody would be alone.

Then they would all meet up in Malibu for an Avengers' New Year's party. That made Bruce a bit nervous, but he would try to get through it, for Tony. He knew Tony needed some normalcy, or at least what passed for normalcy in the billionaire's life.

They all finished eating, and Clint dragged Rhodey off to start a Mario Kart battle, even roping Bruce and Natasha into it. Tony sat and watched from the table, comfortable in the feeling that nobody was walking on eggshells with him or hovering over him, waiting for him to fall apart. At least for the moment.

He even managed to grab up the last piece of bacon, crunching happily. Coulson was sitting next to him, practically ignoring him, checking his phone. Steve had retreated to the kitchen to wash the dishes and make more coffee.

Coulson put his phone down, looked around, then stacked up the few remaining dirty plates and handed them to Tony. Since when did he think Tony did dishes?

But he nodded toward the kitchen and Tony got it. He was right, Tony should probably thank Steve for his message. Or something like that.

He walked somewhat reluctantly to the kitchen, where Steve was washing the dishes by hand. Didn't he know that they had modern appliances?

Tony put the plates down beside the sink. "Here."

"Thanks," Steve said, looking over at him. "I made fresh coffee if you want it."

"Sure." Tony went to the coffee maker and poured himself a fresh mug. He sat on a stool, sipping his drink.

 "So, look, about….before. I saw your message. I watched the video and I get it. I get what you were trying to say."

Steve nodded. "Good. Good. And I-I'm really sorry I … scared you. After the battle."

"Wasn't your fault."

"I know, but I'm still sorry."

"Apology accepted then."

Steve turned back to Tony and nodded. Tony forced himself to keep his face calm, though he'd rather take out the arc reactor than be having this conversation. But Jarvis and Bruce had told him that he should ask the others for what he needed. No matter how horrible it felt.

"I guess I should, uh, I need, need to ask you, what I need, one thing, if you can just not touch me, when we're not working of course. I don't….I'm having these reactions I can't control. I just…it's…I can't. I'm working on it but-"

"Of course. Anything I can do." Steve picked up a dish towel and dried his hands, then turned again and opened the fridge, taking out a box of brownies and setting it down in front of Tony.

He wouldn't take any pity, but he would definitely take pity food. He opened the box and snatched one up. Steve sat down across from him, giving him a strange look. "What?"

"You - before… I know you don't agree with me. You don't have to agree with me."

"Good to know," Tony said around a mouthful of brownie. He washed it down with more coffee. Ah, a sugar and caffeine buzz. Not too bad.

 Steve was still looking at him. "You argue with me. Do you know how many people in the world have the guts to argue with "Captain America"? Cuz it's a damn short list."

Tony imagined that Natasha and Fury were on that list. And he was very proud to be on that list with them. "I'm sure," he smiled though. He didn't get the sense that Cap was angry here, even though he didn't know what he was getting at.

Steve reached over and took a brownie, then looked at Tony.

"You know how it makes me feel when you argue with me? Human."

Tony huffed out a surprised laugh. That was not the answer he was expecting.

"Yeah. Like I'm actually Steve Rogers. Not some perfect idol to stick in a museum. To look up to. Not some…science experiment." Steve bit into the brownie, getting almost half of it into his mouth.

Somehow Tony managed to clamp down on his sarcasm and not mention the fact that Steve had _volunteered_ to be a science experiment. He understood Cap was trying to tell him something important here.

"Well, if it helps, I can promise you I will do my best to keep pissing you off."

"You don't actually have to make an extra effort. Just, keep being you."

"That I can do," Tony smiled back. "That I can do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doing my best to update at least once a month. I have another 20,000 words already written of future chapters :D  
> I fixed some typos. Hope I got them all.


	42. So Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He met Tony’s gaze to check his reaction. Bruce was a bit ashamed of this feeling, didn't want to push Tony into anything, but the other man was smiling excitedly.  
> "Mmm- you saying that you need to punish me?” His smile grew wider and his eyes were hungry.  
> “Yeah. God, yes,” Bruce groaned out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another update. I am very tired so there's probably mistakes. As I said before, I will keep doing my best to update at least once a month.

Bruce followed Tony into the Quinjet, where Jarvis was set to fly them to Malibu. Bruce thought it was a usual Quinjet, but as Tony had Jarvis slide open the door to the crew area, he saw a luxury living room with a full bar, a giant TV and a door at the end that Tony opened with a flourish to reveal a beautifully appointed bedroom, reminiscent of Bruce's bedroom in the tower.

“Did some upgrades. You like it?" Tony queried. Bruce put his bag down on one of the nearest lounge chairs, looking around in shock. He would never really get used to Tony’s wealth, but he did appreciate the thought of not having to travel in a standard Quinjet.

"It's all relatively Hulk-proof. Whadd'ya think?" Tony smiled.

"It's amazing. You didn't have to-"

Tony held his finger to Bruce's lips. "One day I'm gonna get you to stop saying that. I don't have to do anything. I don't even do the things Fury tells me to do. I wanted to do it. You deserve it."

Bruce had a few things to say about that, but stayed quiet, just looking around. His heart had been beating too hard since he woke and heard Jarvis announcing the date. December 24th. Not a good time of year for him.

He didn't know if he would have a negative reaction to seeing the Malibu house. And in his case, a "negative" reaction could end up destroying several blocks of the city. So after they settled in the leather lounge chairs and Jarvis took off, he forced himself to come clean to Tony about seeing the footage of Obadiah stealing the reactor right out of his chest.

“Oh. Oh,” Tony said, fear flashing in his eyes before he got it under control. Tony's left hand went to cover the reactor, seemingly without him even realizing it. Bruce could read that clearly.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I didn't want to invade your privacy, but-“

“I thought he should know, Sir. It was my suggestion.” Jarvis immediately came to his defense.

"No, no. It’s ok.” Tony seemed to gather himself a bit. “I mean, there are people that know, so you should know. You should. I-ok." Tony jumped out of his seat, turning away from Bruce.

He walked to the bar at the other end of the cabin and propped his arms against it, holding himself up. Trying to breathe. Why was he still so fucking afraid, just hearing that name?

His eyes fell on the bottles behind the bar. He wanted, shit, he _needed_ a drink, but he felt like it was one of those days where if he started he wouldn't be able to stop, and getting drunk in front of Bruce today of all days would be the shittiest of shitty things he could do.

Bruce had been so good to him, and he couldn't let him down. He had to hold it together.

Bruce didn't know what to do as he watched Tony staring at the bottles of whiskey. He didn't want to tell Tony what to do, but if he had to smell alcohol right now, he didn't know how he'd take it.

"I believe you'll find some suitable beverages in the fridge, Sir," J supplied.

Tony walked around the bar to open the fridge and found himself staring at bottles of organic iced green tea with ginger. He sighed at grabbed two, then, to give himself something to focus on, time to calm down, he made a production of filling two tumblers with ice and sliced lemon and poured green tea for himself and Bruce.

Bruce stayed quiet, those eyes just watching him. Tony didn't even add any vodka to his tea. He put the glasses on a cocktail tray and brought them over to Bruce.

When Tony was seated again, he took a sip of the tea, which wasn't too bad actually, and found his voice again. But his eyes wouldn’t meet Bruce’s.

"I- I was stupid. I was so stupid. I wanted to trust him. I still trusted him."

"Not stupid. You didn't let him destroy your faith in people. You didn't let him destroy you." Bruce switched his drink to his left hand and reached across the table to take Tony’s hand. Tony put down his drink and ran his other hand over his face, as if to banish the memories.

"Anyway, I redecorated, renovated. It's not the same place. It's not. New stuff. New memories."

"I can't wait to see it. The Other Guy seems to like water, the beach usually calms him down."

"Just, I know Christmas isn't…good for you. No pressure. We'll do whatever you want."

Bruce nodded and pulled at Tony’s hand. Tony got the idea, and got up, skirting around the table between their seats and landing in Bruce’s lap. Those arms wrapped tightly around him.

"I just need - need you. With me." Bruce whispered.

"Me too," Tony whispered back. “Me too.”

*** * ***

The house was spectacular. Amazing. You couldn’t really call it a house. It was a mansion, something only Tony Stark could have built. And now Tony had done his best to help Bruce feel at home there.

Tony showed Bruce he’d set up a lab and a yoga studio just for Bruce. And his own study filled with books. Bruce seemed to like it, but Tony could see he was still nervous. He decided to try out the yoga studio, to see if it would calm him.

Tony left him to it and went to unpack some of the things he’d had shipped there for Christmas. He was just finishing up when Jarvis spoke.

"Sir, you have a message from Miss Reese.” Tony swiped at his phone.

_Hey. Merry Christmas and all that._

_You too. Watch out for something from Santa tomorrow,_ Tony tapped out. He had ordered new winter coats for all the kids in the center, with Diane’s input of course.

_Never really believed in Santa, but I can leave out some scotch for Iron Man.  ;)_

_Cookies and eggnog would do just fine. I’ll be back in town after New Year’s, if you need anything._

Bruce did more than an hour of yoga, trying to center himself, but it wasn’t working. He still felt restless and anxious. He knew he should do some more yoga or go out to the beach, but he felt he needed Tony, he didn’t want to let Tony out of his sight. This place was affecting him more than he'd anticipated. The thought of all that had happened here.

He felt that he needed Tony near, needed to see Tony safe, needed Tony _under his control..._

_Oh. Maybe that was what he needed._

He had Jarvis call Tony to the studio, and with a few minutes the billionaire was there, smiling at him, barefoot in a grey t-shirt and jeans, his eyes questioning.

"You ok? You seem…stressed. I get it, totally. What do you need?"

Bruce moved toward Tony without thinking. “I need-" He took hold of Tony's shoulders, trying not to grasp him too tightly, and pinned him back against the nearest wall, covering Tony's body with his and grinding against him, his mouth devouring the other man's.

Tony moaned and grabbed onto Bruce, just pulling him closer.

"Wow, ok, I'm totally up for that. Totally,” Tony said once they came up for air, his hands on Bruce’s shoulders, still holding him close.

Bruce kept one hand on Tony’s shoulder and the other threaded through the engineer’s short hair and pulled, tipping Tony’s head back. He tongued along Tony’s neck as he explained. “Today, everything that's happened, I need… I need you safe. I need you to listen to me. To know you're mine."

He met Tony’s gaze to check his reaction. Bruce was a bit ashamed of this feeling, didn't want to push Tony into anything, but the other man was smiling excitedly.

"Mmm- you saying that you need to punish me?” His smile grew wider and his eyes were hungry.

“Yeah. God, yes,” Bruce groaned out.

“I’m totally good with that. Totally.” Tony pulled him close again and Bruce got lost in kissing him for a while, feeling his cock start swelling against Tony’s, the other man warm and pliant against him.

He pulled back finally and Tony met his eyes, more serious. “Whatever you want. I won't let you hurt me. Never. I know I'm safe with you.” He held Bruce’s gaze, making sure Bruce knew he meant it. Bruce nodded, his hands still clutching at Tony.

“Let’s go upstairs. I bought some things for us.” Tony smiled that scoundrel’s smile and Bruce was lost.

In their bedroom, redecorated in warmer tones, reminiscent of Bruce’s bedroom at the Tower, Tony led him to a chest of drawers in the walk-in closet.

Bruce just stood, staring. The first drawer was condoms and lube, more flavors than he’d ever seen. Then there were two more pairs of their specially-designed cuffs. Bruce picked one up, running his fingers over the leather, as Tony talked.

“So, don’t freak out. I let my imagination kinda run wild.” The second drawer held a range of paddles and crops. Tony reached for the third drawer but Bruce stilled his hand.

“I think I’m gonna go simple this time. Next time we can…explore further.”

Bruce collected lube, condoms and the cuffs. His eyes lingered on a crop, imagining marking welts on Tony’s body and felt a rush of heat flood through him. Next time, he told himself, once Tony was fully healed.

Because it was Bruce, he sat Tony down on the bed and made them talk before anything else. About what Tony wanted, didn’t want. Things they should avoid. They also agreed that Jarvis would monitor both their Tony's vitals. Just to be sure.

To Tony it seemed like the conversation lasted hours, but it was really about 20 minutes. And Bruce’s gentle questions actually made Tony think of something.

“I- uh – if you could, not call me ‘good boy’. That’s what he – he always-” Tony stared at the floor while making this request.

“Of course. Of course.” Bruce pulled Tony close, holding him for a while, his large hand rubbing those comforting circles on Tony’s back. Tony knew Bruce would never hurt him. He had the proof that Bruce would stop the moment Tony said their safewords. He trusted Bruce; he just didn’t completely trust himself.

Once Bruce saw that Tony was calm, he stood up, taking on his air of control.

"Give me 5 minutes. I want you waiting naked. On the bed.”

“Yes, sir,” Tony smiled hungrily.

In the bathroom, just as luxurious as the one in the tower, Bruce stared at himself in one of the many mirrors. His eyes were bright and his face was flushed, but there was no green in his reflection. He wasn’t afraid of himself right now. He needed this. And Tony needed it too.

Tony submitting to him was putting all his trust in Bruce, and Bruce had to be worthy of that. It made sense but it didn’t. Using pain to erase pain. Using pain to show love. Because that’s what they were both used to.

When Bruce finally came out, Tony was kneeling in the middle of the bed, nude, as instructed, the reactor lighting the room and his cock half hard. Tony’s wide eyes tracked Bruce as he stalked toward him, wearing just his slacks, his breath coming in sharp pants from all the emotions he was wrangling.

Tony knew the anger in Bruce’s eyes shouldn’t be turning him on so, but he realized it always had. He always wanted all of Bruce, including that.

Bruce sat on the bed in front of Tony, roughly took Tony's wrists and cuffed his hands in front of him. He figured Tony's shoulder was healed enough for that by now, and Tony _loved_ the cuffs.

As the cuffs went around his wrists, Tony’s cock filled further. By now the cuffs were like Bruce’s hands on him, holding him, while driving him insane. Tony let Bruce move him where he wanted him, so Bruce sat against the headboard and pulled Tony face down across his lap, a hand holding his shoulders down.

With Tony’s hands cuffed, he didn’t really have any leverage to move, even if he wanted to move away from Bruce. He was still deciding whether the whole thing was hot or embarrassing, when Bruce's hand came down hard on his ass.

_thwack!_

And again. And again.

Tony jumped, his whole body shaking and a gasp escaping his mouth unbidden. It wasn’t a bad pain, his cock certainly didn't think so, but Bruce was not being playful. He was angry.  This wasn't Hulk-out anger, this was Bruce anger. It could be good for Bruce to let it out this way and - _oh - god -_

One arm was holding Tony in place and the other was coming down on his ass, unrelenting. Tony jerked underneath his hand, his ass quickly heating. His cock was totally on board with Bruce's anger and the harsh spanks were scattering his thoughts to pieces. In a good way.

A very good way.

“You don’t listen,” Bruce growled. “You don’t listen and you don’t take care of yourself. Maybe this way you’ll start to learn.”

Tony opened his mouth to say something, but had no idea what to say. Tony didn’t really understand it, but the pain was perfect, wonderful. He moved toward Bruce’s hand, not away, propping his elbows on the bed, his cock rutting against the fabric of Bruce’s pants.

Bruce brought his hand down hard, with no rhythm, no pattern, not giving Tony anything to get used to, just smacking. The skin of Tony’s ass was quickly turning red under the onslaught, and Bruce watched Tony’s body jerk with each smack.

“Ah, yes, yes,” Tony gasped out. Bruce needed to know he was ok with all this.

"Why am I doing this?" Bruce demanded.

Tony was actually finding it hard to think, hard to speak, but he knew the answer to that.

"Cuz - cuz I'm yours. Yours."

"Yes," Bruce growled. His hand kept coming down until his palm was sore, and Tony’s ass was bright red, Tony’s moans a mixture of excitement and pain.

Finally, Bruce pushed Tony off his lap and slid out from under the other man, to cover Tony’s body with his, pushing him down against the bed, Bruce’s lips nipping at Tony’s neck.

Tony ass burned at the contact with Bruce, but it was a good feeling. Tony pushed back against Bruce's hardness, which was still covered in fabric.

Bruce’s mouth was by Tony's ear. "This what you need?" He ground his hardness against Tony’s sore ass, enjoying the moans from the other man.

“Yes, please, yes. Yes sir. More-" Tony groaned. He was safe, and he would let Bruce do anything. Bruce spent some time sucking bruises into Tony’s neck, then used his teeth. "Ah- more more" Tony babbled, not in control of himself anymore.

"Next time I'll use that whip. Mark you all up. Your back, here-" His hand grabbed Tony's reddened ass and Tony gasped.

"Yeah. Yes, sir." He wanted that; he _needed_ that.

"Maybe your thighs too." Bruce shifted and his fingers trailed up his thighs to Tony's crack and stroked his hole lightly. Tony moved toward his hand.

"More, more" Tony gasped out. Bruce let out a huff of air, of surprise.

“Mine,” Bruce growled, and he felt an answering growl in the back of his head. He leaned down again to bite at Tony's neck, stopping just near the point of breaking the skin. Tony moaned underneath him.

"You want me to mark you? So everyone will know?"

Tony's answer was simply another moan. Bruce bit down, hard, until he just broke the skin, Tony bucking underneath him, rutting against the mattress.

The pain in Tony’s neck sent fire through his body, and he whined when he felt Bruce's weight move off him a bit. Bruce's fingers trailed down his back and then he felt Bruce’s weight leave the bed.

Bruce’s hand was gently in his hair, pulling his head up, offering an opened bottle of water.

"Drink. You're gonna need your strength," he laughed a wicked, delicious laugh, and it filled Tony with warmth to hear that. Tony’s hands were still shackled, so he had to let Bruce bring the bottle to his lips so he could drink. He heard Bruce talking to Jarvis, but was in a fuzzy place where he couldn’t really focus.

Then Bruce stepped back and put the bottle down. Tony’s eyes tracked him as he shucked his pants and kicked them away. He picked up his glasses from the nightstand with his right hand, peering at screens Jarvis had pulled up. While he studied Tony's heart rate and vitals he reached his left hand down to stroke himself, his dick hard and leaking in his hand.

Watching that raised Tony's arousal levels to stratospheric. He thought his brain might actually be melting. And he didn’t mind. Didn’t mind at all.

Bruce brushed the screens aside and turned those hot eyes on Tony.

"On your back." Bruce ordered.

Tony scrambled to obey, feeling his muscles reacting slowly. He hissed as his abused ass rubbed against the blankets. His cock was fully hard now, begging for Bruce’s touch.

Bruce leaned over Tony and fixed the restraints to the headboard, which he noted fit perfectly. On his back might be less comfortable for Tony, but he had to see the other man's eyes. Even with all of Jarvis' monitoring, Bruce had to see his face, watch his reaction to everything Bruce was doing.

Bruce’s body was hot against Tony’s, as Bruce pressed himself to Tony and kissed him for all he was worth. “This what you need?” He demanded.

“Yes,” Tony gasped, kissing him desperately. “Yes, you sir, please.”

“What do you say if your shoulder hurts?” Bruce gazed down at him.

“I- yellow.”

“Right. And if I do anything – _anything –_ that you don’t want, you don’t like?”

“Red,” Tony smiled. He wanted to tell Bruce that he wasn’t an idiot, he hadn’t forgotten the safewords, but words were slipping away from him. All he could concentrate on was the feel of Bruce’s body against his.

Satisfied, Bruce kneeled up between Tony’s legs, and Tony spread them wide, inviting. Bruce grabbed the lube from the nightstand and slicked up his fingers, then went to Tony's hole, lightly teasing. He watched Tony’s face carefully as he slipped a finger inside that tight heat.

Tony felt himself sinking, sinking down into a place he'd never been before. Never allowed himself to go.  It felt _good_ , it felt safe, but there was a little bit of fear with it. Just enough to make it more exciting. He pulled at the restraints, because the feeling was delicious.

He was Tony Stark, and some of what the tabloids said was true. He’d done a lot, tried a lot of things but this was different. Giving himself over to Bruce like this was new. He could let go, let go of it all.

He let out a noise that sounded like a moan, a little scared. Bruce immediately move back over him, his free hand coming to cup Tony's face with extreme gentleness. Tony opened his eyes, not realizing he’d even closed them. He felt almost drugged, and had to force himself to focus on Bruce’s gaze.

Tony looked up at Bruce, his eyes blown and pleading. Wow, Tony was down, far down. Bruce had never seen him like this.

“Hey,” Bruce’s voice was gentle, like his hands. “I've got you.”

“You've got me,” Tony repeated.

“You're beautiful, you're perfect Tony. So perfect.”

Tony moaned again, he couldn't even speak. He just stared into those warm eyes.

"Tony," Bruce's voice, loving, gentle. "I know it's really hard to talk, but I need to hear it. I need to hear a color from you."

Color? What color? Tony’s brain was muddled. All he knew was that he needed more. It was good, all good. Oh, so Bruce wanted to know if Tony was ok.

He force his voice out, summoning his strength. "Green," he slurred. "Green, please…"

"Good, Tony, good. Thank you." Bruce leaned down and kissed him, his lips soft, then turning more demanding. And Tony felt Bruce’s finger move inside him, seeking out that spot.

Bruce wanted to take, take everything Tony was offering, and he would, but not in a way that would actually hurt Tony. He worked his fingers methodically as Tony watched him with wide eyes, panting and trying to push down on Bruce’s fingers.

“You know why I'm doing this? Because you're mine. And you need it. Because you need it. And I want to give you everything you need.”

"Please, please please" Tony was muttering, pushing down on Bruce's fingers. "I need…I need you."

Bruce leaned down and took the tip of Tony’s cock into his mouth, sucking gently, too gently, while he spread his fingers, readying Tony for him. Then he pressed two fingers against Tony’s prostate and the engineer bucked up from the bed, the restraints stopping him.

“Oh god- god, I need – please – god, fuck me,” Tony cried.

Bruce smiled an almost evil smile, still working his fingers in and out of Tony’s wet hole.

“I don’t think you’re the one calling the shots here.” But then he pulled his hand back and picked up the condom. Tony watched hungrily as Bruce smoothed it on and liberally applied lube.

Tony was at the edge of the mattress, so Bruce put his right foot down on the floor for balance, lifting Tony's right leg up on his shoulder. He took himself in hand and guided his cock into that tight heat.

Bruce entered slowly, so slowly at first, putting his hands gently on Tony’s hips, slowly increasing the speed of his thrusts.

“Don’t-don’t stop,” Tony gasped. Bruce tightened his hold on Tony's hips and thrust to the hilt. Tony yelled out something that wasn't words. Bruce was holding on so hard to Tony's hips he knew he would leave bruises, but he was beyond caring. He was letting go, maybe a little too much, but Tony moaning and begging beneath him was amazing.

To have Tony here, like this, this was everything.

“T-tell me. tell me,” Tony begged.

“What? That you're mine? That you belong to me? That I won't let anyone hurt you. Ever. That he -" Bruce _growled_ again as he thrust in hard, and Tony could hear the Other Guy in that growl and that was almost enough to push him over the edge. "He won't let anybody hurt you."

“Yeah Yeah…oh god…yours sir, yes.”

Bruce was shaking as he thrust hard into Tony. Not changing, not that, but all the emotions swirling through him. He would never hurt Tony, but he could mark him, punish him, have him in this way.

He kept one hand on Tony’s hip, and with the other reached around to stroke Tony’s cock, hard as his thrusts into him. It didn’t take long till Tony was crying out and spurting onto Bruce’s hand and his chest, his muscles clamping around Bruce’s cock, driving Bruce over the edge too.

He rutted into Tony until he came with a shout, shaking and filled with euphoria.

Tony was still floating in that strange place, riding the aftershocks of Bruce coming inside him. Then he heard Bruce’s gentle voice.

“Jarvis, release.” He felt Bruce's hands move away from him and made a worried sound, his hands, which had come free, reaching out blindly.

"I'm right here. Right here. Just gotta clean up." After a few moments Bruce was back and Tony felt a warm, wet cloth wiping him clean, and Bruce’s hands massaging his wrists and arms, checking his circulation.

Then Bruce lay down and pulled Tony against him.

"I'm right here. Right here.” He held Tony to his chest, running his hands gently over Tony’s back, his arms, his hair. “God, you're amazing. So amazing. I love you so much." Bruce kept murmuring. He would say these things anyway, but he'd also read up on aftercare, and wasn't about to risk doing anything wrong when Tony was so vulnerable.

Tony closed his eyes and curled into Bruce, letting out a happy-sounding grunt. Bruce stroked his hair and kept talking, murmuring, holding Tony close.

Tony dozed for a while, and Bruce was extremely content to just hold him. He felt calm now; the Other Guy was quiet in the back of his head. That had done it.


	43. Good Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the scene in front of him was unusual, to say the least. Tony curled up around the plush Hulk, sleeping soundly, the marks of Bruce's teeth visible in the crook of his neck.  
> Seeing those marks filled Bruce with equal parts shame and lust.

Tony usually slept wrapped around Bruce or wrapped around a pillow. This morning, Bruce surprisingly managed to wake up first and waited until Tony turned over in his sleep, replacing his pillow with one of his Christmas presents - a 3-foot long Hulk tsum tsum.

So the scene in front of him was unusual, to say the least. Tony curled up around the plush Hulk, sleeping soundly, the marks of Bruce's teeth visible in the crook of his neck.

Seeing those marks filled Bruce with equal parts shame and lust.

Bruce had no idea how long he sat there, a book in his hands (chosen from his new study that Tony had shown him the day before), just watching the other man sleep. Finally, the engineer's eyes blinked slowly open, and he stared down at the plushie in his arms. His look of confusion quickly turned into a smile.

"Tsum tsum!" he laughed, his eyes meeting Bruce's. "I didn't think they made them this big."

"It was a special order," Bruce smiled, putting his book aside.

"I love him," Tony said, squeezing the plushie then gently putting it down to crawl over to Bruce and straddle him. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas." Bruce could help feeling that this was a happy dream he would wake up from. It seemed too perfect.

Of course, his life still had a lot of pain in it, but it now had these moments, and someone to share them with. Bruce's hand settled softly on Tony's ass, squeezing a bit. Tony moaned at the contact.

"How're you…doing?"

Tony leaned down and kissed Bruce, then pulled back, giving his best leer. "I think I'll remember that lesson for a while, Sir," he winked. "But please feel free to repeat it whenever you want."

Tony could see the doubt in Bruce's eyes, though. He gently cupped Bruce's cheek, meeting his eyes seriously.

"Hey, I told you, no guilt. No freaking out. You did what you needed and what I completely wanted. And it was awesome. Super awesome."

After their "scene" the day before, Bruce had held Tony until he started coming around. And Tony had to spend some time soothing Bruce's worries. Bruce thought he had enjoyed it almost too much, and was blown away with the level of Tony's trust in him.

They spent the evening in lounge chairs on the terrace overlooking the cliff to the sea, munching on food Tony'd had delivered earlier, sometimes talking, sometimes silent, most of the time Tony's hand finding its way into Bruce's.

It was one of the best Christmas Eves Bruce had ever had.

There was still some doubt in Bruce's eyes as he spoke, "Thank you for trusting me like that."

Tony kissed him again, trying to kiss the doubt away.

"I always trust you."

"I know."

"J, what time are we do at the Children's Hospital today?" They were going to bring Iron Man to one of the hospitals Tony hadn't visited in too long, and Bruce was happy to do something to help others on Christmas. Tony figured he wouldn't just want to laze around enjoying Tony's ridiculous wealth.

"2pm, Sir."

"Good," Tony smiled. "Lots of time for presents. Gimme the rest!" He demanded. Bruce felt himself matching Tony's childlike glee. And it was good he liked the Tsum Tsum, because the box Bruce handed Tony - and Tony ripped open in record time - held a Hulk robe and fuzzy green Hulk socks.

Tony laughed and put them both on immediately, then led Bruce to the kitchen.

"Is that-?" Bruce walked closer to the tower, or better yet, mountain of small blue boxes in the middle of the kitchen. "Tony," he said fondly, once he got closer and confirmed his suspicions. It was a mountain of Swiss Miss boxes.

"I didn't buy the company, don’t' worry. But I did get you all the flavors they have, even some that are still in development and haven't been released yet."

Bruce grabbed a box near the top - _Dark Chocolate Sensation -_ and turned to see Tony already pouring himself some coffee, looking too adorable in the purple robe scattered with large green Hulk fists.

Tony took a sip of his coffee, then set it down and pulled a mug from the cupboard. A new mug for Bruce, with a flying cartoon Iron Man on it.

"I guess we had similar ideas," Bruce smiled, then set about making his cocoa. "This is what you were doing last night?"

"Some of it. There's more, in your study."

Bruce nodded. He had slipped his other present for Tony into the pocket of the ridiculously soft purple robe he'd found in the bathroom. Tony had stocked up on everything Bruce could ever need here, and a lot of things that he didn't. But he knew it was Tony's way of welcoming him, trying to make him feel at home there too.

After Bruce made an omelette with a ridiculous amount of vegetables in it, according to Tony, he followed Tony to his new study, which held an antique wooden desk and wall-to-wall bookshelves. Bruce walked over to study the books, he hadn't yet managed to look at all of them. Tony, of course, hopped up onto the desk, then let out a surprised yelp because he'd forgotten that his ass was still a bit sore.

Bruce burst out laughing and Tony's smile grew warmer.

"So," Tony clapped his hands together as if he was about to tell a story. "Remember when we met and I fanboyed all over you?"

"I remember you … you touched me. You shook my hand. You… saw me," Bruce said softly.

"And-" Tony gestured to the largest bookshelf, which took up an entire wall of the room.

"You complimented my work on anti-electron collisions." Bruce scanned the books, the he saw it. At the top right, a slim bound volume with "Anti-Electron Collisions" and "Bruce Banner" on it.

"You had it printed?" He glanced curiously at Tony. Something else was going on here; there was too much mischief in Tony's eyes.

"Take a look."

Bruce tried to pull the book off the shelf, but it only slid out half-way, then there was a click and the middle section of the bookshelf swung backwards - opening a door into another room.

"Did you make me a batcave?" Bruce joked, but Tony saw his eyes had lit up. Tony got up and ushered Bruce through the door.

"It's kind of a Bruce cave."

It was a smaller study, decorated in brown, red and yellow tones, with a fireplace and a couch with huge cushions that looked like you could dive into. There were more bookshelves along the wall, a mini-fridge in the corner and all the accoutrements for making his favorite teas.

"I figured," Tony said from behind him, "you know, for when you feel like being alone. It's Hulk-proofed so he can stay in here too if he wants, though it might be a bit cramped."

Bruce turned and took Tony's hand. "It's - It's perfect. Absolutely perfect."

"It's coded to you, you can even lock me out when you feel like it." Tony pointed to the control pad next to the secret door. "Jarvis can only override you if you're in danger. He's in here too."

"If you want me in this space too, Bruce," J said.

"Of course I do. I feel safer with you around." Bruce had no idea how he could "feel" the AI's smile, but it seemed like he could. Still holding Tony's hand, he pulled the other man to sit with him on the sinfully comfortable couch.

He pulled a small bag out of his pocket and put it in Tony's hand.

"Here's yours."

Tony looked down. It was a velvet drawstring bag.

"I know it's been hard lately I wanted you to have something you can always look at and remember I'm here. I - uh - hope it's ostentatious enough."

Tony reached into the bag and pulled out a ring. It was a wide black band with a stripe of green in the middle. He stared at it, amazed.

"Titanium alloy and emerald. Turns out I make pretty good money from both SHIELD and SI, so I can afford to treat you in the manner you're accustomed." Tony knew that Bruce donated much of both his salaries. The fact that he'd spent a ridiculous (for him) amount of money on this meant a lot.

A lot.

Bruce was almost starting to worry because Tony wasn't talking, just staring at the ring. He looked up and his eyes were so open and full of hope it took Bruce's breath away.

"Can you?" Tony's voice was rough with emotion as he held out the ring.

Bruce took it and without thinking, Tony held out his left hand and Bruce slipped the ring on his ring finger. Fit perfectly. They both just stared silently for a while.

"So when you're doubting, you know, when you're scared, you can just look at this and remember that I'm not going anywhere. OK?"

Tony felt his eyes prickling. He knew that there was an unspoken _unless_ at the end of Bruce's statement.

_Unless he comes after me._

_Unless it's too dangerous for you._

_Unless the Other Guy hurts innocent people again._

But Tony also knew that Bruce was trying to promise as much as he could, and he would keep his promises. He'd stayed through so much. He was always there.

"I would say that it's almost too elegant, Sir," Jarvis snarked. That broke the tension a bit and got a laugh from both of them. Then Tony was in Bruce's arms, kissing the life out of him. When they came up for air, Tony spoke.

"Oh, you got a present from J too." Tony pulled an envelope out of his pocket and handed it to Bruce. He moved back to sit next to Bruce while Bruce opened it.

"Ok?" It was a fancy black business card, with just a phone number on it, in silver.

"This is the number of your personal security team. For when you are teaching. I have liaised with Mr. Hogan and chosen extremely competent people. I will coordinate them for you."

Bruce looked at Tony and, _shit,_ Tony could see the doubt creeping in.

"So when you're teaching you just have to worry about teaching. They'll make sure nobody comes near you that you don't want near."

"I don't know - I didn't think-" He'd been so excited about teaching, but after finding out that Ross was still after him, he didn't know if he could do it.

Tony grabbed Bruce's hand, still holding the card. "Don't give up on this. I know you really want it. We can make it work. Make it as safe as possible. For everyone."

"I'm-" Bruce swallowed. "Scared. I don't wanna put anyone in danger."

"I know. But we have a few weeks before you start. You can meet the team, check them out. We'll scope out your classroom, your office, shore up security. Set up contingency plans."

Bruce was silent, just looking at Tony. He was scared. Terrified, actually. Every good thing that came to him seemed too good to be true, and he was still sometimes waiting for them to be taken away.

But he would fight to the death if somebody tried to take Tony away. And Tony wanted him to have this.

"I'm scared too, you know. I would love - " Tony looked around the room, sighing - "love to hide away from the world with you here. But that's not who I am. And that's definitely not who you are."

Bruce squeezed Tony's hand, hard. "I know. I know." He stared down at the card. Maybe it was doable. Maybe.

"I really need to you to try. I want you to have a life."

"I have a life, Tony. An amazing life."

"Outside the tower," Tony said pointedly.

Bruce got his point. And Tony was trying so hard to deal with his demons. Bruce had to try to face his too.

"I…I'll try."

Tony smiled and pulled him close. Bruce melted against him, holding on tight.

* * *

Tony was fuming. Stuck in the helicarrier, coordinating and analysing instead of out there fighting with the rest of the team. Goddamn aliens couldn't have waited a few more days to show up on earth so that his stupid 2 week grounding would be over and he could fight like he was supposed to.

They'd had a good Christmas, and had spent a couple of days in Malibu, Bruce actually starting to relax, when Coulson informed them that Thor was back, and on the trail of some rogue aliens.

The aliens were in Arizona, nearing an air force base. A base where, according to Fury, "important" weapons were being held. Of course Fury wouldn't disclose what kind of weapons, but shit would obviously hit the fan if the aliens got a hold of them.

SHIELD and Thor were holding them off, but needed back up. So Tony and Bruce took off in the Quinjet.

Bruce was clearly worried about letting the Other Guy loose near the military.

"What if we don't use him this time? You stay on the Helicarrier with me?"

Bruce shook his head. "It's aliens, Tony. We need him."

"Well, why don't we let him decide?" At Bruce's incredulous look, Tony went on. "Come on, he understands a lot. Let me explain the situation to him before we get there, and he can decide."

It took a bit more discussion, but eventually Bruce agreed. "He does trust you."

But staring the green behemoth in the eye, Tony was worried. He couldn't show it though. He carefully explained that they were going to smash aliens, but there would also be military people nearby.

"Bad men?" Hulk asked.

"No. No. They're not bad. They don't want you. They want the aliens. They're not gonna come near you, I promise."

Hulk seemed to think for a moment, those green eyes boring into his.

"But Tinman not fight?"

"No. I can't. Not for a few more days. I'll be on the helicarrier. The big ship. We need you to help Cap and Thor smash the aliens. Can you help us?"

"Hulk help," he said proudly.

"You don't have to. I mean, nobody is going to make you do it." As if they could make him do anything. "Banner can stay on the ship with me if you want."

Hulk shook his head. "Hulk help. Hulk smash. Hulk listen."

And he had. The military personnel were ordered to protect the base (and whatever secrets Fury was hiding there - Tony would have Rhodey find out), and to stay as far away as possible from the Other Guy. The team, with Tony coordinating, took out several of the aliens and managed to capture the last two, to be taken aboard the helicarrier because Fury wanted them "interrogated."

Tony was studying his screens, while part of his brain was focusing on an idea for an earpiece for the Other Guy, so they could communicate with him better in the field. Being stuck here he also realized that he needed to develop a way to control a suit remotely, so he could participate in the battles even when he was grounded.

More than a suit, a battalion. A legion. Yeah. Part of his mind was already planning that too, so it took a millisecond more than usual to notice something.

Hulk was holding the two grey-skinned aliens while Thor tied their limbs to restrain them. Cap was with several SHIELD operatives to the right, and, beyond them, Tony could see a small group approaching. He had Jarvis zoom in, and his stomach dropped.

It was military troops. _Shit!_

Of course Hulk could see them.

Hulk had super-powered sight and hearing. He was staring at the soldiers approaching the team.

After a second he dropped the aliens at Thor's feet and started to back away, eyes wide in fear.

Tony jumped to his feet, the chair sliding backwards with a crash.  "J, suit me up!"

He started running toward the nearest hatch. He had to get out there and calm the Other Guy down. If he started running who knows where he would end up, where Bruce could end up.

"Sir, I don’t know-" Jarvis cautioned.

_"Not_ a request, J!" Tony reached the hatch, and stood still while the suit quickly formed around him. Jarvis opened the hatch and he was flying out to the Other Guy.

“Cap, keep those soldiers away from Hulk. He’s not in the mood for company.” Tony ordered sharply into the comms.

“Roger that,” Cap answered and Tony saw him move toward the soldiers, gesturing. Then Tony forgot him and turned all his attention on the green beast that kept backing away, fear clear as day on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post sooner but I had a crazy amount of work the past two weeks. Will do my best to post the next chapter before the end of this month!


	44. Good Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Those eyes flicked from Tony to the troops, and once again Tony thought of making a legion. Iron troops to fight alongside the Other Guy, especially when Tony couldn't. Make Hulk feel protected.  
> Bruce had said it himself - I'm exposed, like a nerve. It's a nightmare. Tony hadn't thought enough about what it was like for the Hulk.  
> "You're scared, I know, but it's just a memory. Just a memory. Those guys now are not interested in you."

“Hey, Big Guy!” Tony tried to keep is voice calm as he flew up to Hulk, who was backing away from the others, his eyes on the military officers talking to Steve.

Tony flipped open his faceplate, trying to get as close as possible without freaking the Hulk out. "Those guys aren't here for you."

The Other Guy shook his head, then roared, an ear-splitting sound that rattled Tony's bones. He was still moving backwards, those huge feet kicking up clouds of dusty earth. Tony kept pace with him, his face level with the Other Guy's.

"Cap, get those guys outta here!" Tony yelled again into the comms. He didn't turn to see if Steve was listening, just kept his eyes on the Other Guy.

"Bad men. _Bad men_ ," the behemoth growled.

 _Shit shit shit!_ Tony had to stop this now. He knew the Other Guy trusted him. Hoped to hell he would listen to him.

"No, they're not. They want the aliens. They're helping us smash. Just - just listen to me, ok?" The Other Guy's eyes were still on the military men. Hulk wasn't looking at him. Wasn't listening to him.

He had to do something to get through to him.

"J, volume on full." He took a deep breath, then said as calmly, but forcefully as he could.

"Not now!" The Other Guy blinked at that, but didn't turn his head. "It's not now. It's a memory, remember? Remember, like I told you? A memory. They're not after you now."

The behemoth slowed his movement a bit, and those burning green eyes met Tony's. Tony held out his right hand, palm facing forward, and released the gauntlet, red pieces of armor flying away. He flew the last few feet to press his bare palm against the Hulk's heaving chest.

"It's not now. Not now. You're safe." He could feel the pounding of that heart rattling through his whole arm.

"Not now," Hulk repeated slowly, staring down at Tony's hand.

"They're not after you. I won't let anybody hurt you."

Those eyes flicked from Tony to the troops, and once again Tony thought of making a legion. Iron troops to fight alongside the Other Guy, especially when Tony couldn't. Make Hulk feel protected.

Bruce had said it himself - _I'm exposed, like a nerve. It's a nightmare._ Tony hadn't thought enough about what it was like for the Hulk.

"You're scared, I know, but it's just a memory. Just a memory. Those guys now are not interested in you."

Hulk's eyes stayed fixed on Tony now.

"Memory. Tony protect." He looked like he was starting to believe it.

"Yeah. Yeah, buddy."  A huge hand came up to wrap itself around the suit. Tony pulled his bare hand back as Hulk turned, taking Tony with him, striding away from the military men. "Ok, we'll take a little walk, then."

He whispered into his helmet, as well as he could, "J, why don't you get my Quinjet on standby, ready to meet us wherever we end up."

"Of course Sir."

"I'll protect you. We'll all protect you. Look," Tony turned his head to check. "Cap got rid of those guys. He's making them go away. They don't want you. They want the aliens." Tony hoped that his babbling would calm the Other Guy down a bit. "They know you're a good guy. You're with us."

Hulk looked back over his shoulder, then let out a sigh that kind of shook Tony's whole body. "America good. Team good."

"Yeah they are. They're all, we're all on your side, big guy." Tony put his bare arm on the Hulk's fingers around the waist of the suit. "You protect me all the time. I'll do the same for you."

Hulk was still striding forward at a brisk pace.

"J, we gonna run into any inhabited areas?" Tony asked into the helmet.

"The closest inhabited area is 43.2 miles ahead." So, they had a bit of time if the Other Guy didn't start running. Tony swallowed hard at that thought. God, he couldn't lose them. He couldn't.

"You wanna just walk for a while?" Tony asked. He could see the big head nod.

"Hulk walk."

"Ok. Ok buddy." The Hulk kept walking, still holding onto Tony, like a kid holding an Iron Man toy, until he seemed to tire out a bit. Tony warned him the Quinjet was following them, to take them back to the 'big ship'.

He finally got the Other Guy on the jet and got out of the suit, collapsing in a seat while Hulk sat and Jarvis brought the hose from the ceiling for the Hulk to drink from. Even the Other Guy had to hydrate.

Tony had to clasp his hands together in his lap to keep them from shaking. Didn't want to worry the Other Guy.

"Jarvis, cloaking on. Course for the Helicarrier. Inform the others that everything's under control here."

"Of course, Sir."

Hulk was looking at him carefully.

"We're cloaked. I'll show you." Tony got up and went to the screen nearest the Other Guy, pulling up a view of a feed from the Helicarrier. The vast desert, with the military base in the distance and the Quinjet nowhere to be seen.

"See? They can't even see where we are. We're safe."

"Jet invisible?" Hulk stopped drinking and put the hose aside, staring at the screen.

"Yeah. Something like that. We're cloaked. They can't see us." Tony moved his hands over the controls, bringing up the jet's heat signature, a red spot on the screen. "This is us, but nobody can see us."

"Good. Tony smart." Hulk gave him an almost smile.

"You're smart too, buddy. We know that. You're learning, you're learning a lot and we've been keeping track. I'm gonna make you a communicator - fit it for your ear so you can talk to us in battles. And next time anything scares you, you just come find me and I'll help you. Not gonna let anybody hurt you, you know - oof!"

His words cut off as Hulk pulled him into a hug, kinda smashing him against that warm chest. Tony hugged back as best he could, basically with his arms halfway around the Other Guy. He felt those huge fingers squeezing his back, just a bit too hard, but he wasn't gonna say anything to upset the Hulk right now.

"You always protect me. I'll protect you. That's the deal." He looked up  at the Other Guy's face. "I promise, ok?"

Hulk nodded. "Hulk not leave Tinman. Not leave."

"Good. Good. You gotta stay. You gotta." Tony winced at the fear in his own voice. He rested his head against the Other Guy's chest, melting into the hug, the warmth, breathing as well as he could.

Hulk kept holding onto him until Jarvis informed them they were docking at the Helicarrier.

"Hulk tired now."

"I know. You worked hard today. You can rest now and I'll take care of Banner."

"Banner - Banner scared." Hulk let Tony go and gave him a sharp look, before starting the change back.

_\- - -_

_Fear_. Suffocating, ice cold fear flowing through him. The Other Guy's fear flowing into him…

Bruce slowly became aware of his body. He was shaking, cold, not aware of his surroundings, but feeling the cool of that metal table, the horror of being just a thing on that table to be experimented on.

Hulk remembered the army shooting at him, but Bruce remembered the rest of it. The other things. The worse things. That time he tried never to think about. Never.

But he- he wasn't there now, right? He desperately reached out and felt hands on him, arms wrapping around him. Was it Tony?

"I'm here. I got you. You're safe." That warm voice, and those strong arms around him. It was Tony. Tony was holding him.

Bruce couldn't speak, could hardly move. He felt Tony pull him closer and realized that his head was resting against Tony's chest, Tony's arms around him. He moved his shaking hands to grasp Tony's waist.

"You're safe. You're safe. There's no danger. We're on the Quinjet. I'm right here." Tony was repeating in a soft, calm voice.

Bruce pressed himself even closer to Tony, needing to feel him, to feel that human touch. He felt the arc reactor against his cheek, and the warmth of Tony's body touching the rest of him. He tried to speak, but, to his shame, just burst into helpless tears.

Tony pulled the blanket tighter around Bruce, who was shaking in his arms. It wasn't a leap to think that Hulk could have transmitted his fear to the other man.

"Nobody's gonna hurt you. Nobody," Tony declared, and Bruce tried to cling to the certainty in that voice.

In the back of his head, Bruce heard - _Tinman protect. Protect Hulk. Protect Banner._ Bruce just held on for dear life, trying to breathe and stop his tears.

After some time, once the tears stopped, Tony managed to get Bruce dressed and into their quarters on the Helicarrier. He wrapped Bruce in all the blankets he could find in the closet there and crawled under them with him. Bruce had stopped crying, but was shaking, trembling, eyes closed, hands desperately gripping Tony.

Tony stroked the other man's hair and kept repeating, "You're safe. You're safe. I'm not gonna let anybody hurt you," like Bruce always did with him. But it didn't seem to be helping. He needed more help.

"J?" he asked. "Any ideas? I don't know what to do here…"

Jarvis' voice came from the Starkphone on the nightstand. "I think calling for reinforcements would be in order."

Reinforcements? Oh, he got it. Right.

"Bruce," Tony spoke softly.

Bruce forced open his eyes and looked up. He wanted to apologize for falling apart like this, but he felt so lost and scared that he could hardly speak.

"You want- do you want me to call the others?" Tony asked gently. "I can get Steve, Nat and Clint here at least. I'm sure they'll stay as long as you want them."

Bruce was still for a moment, then nodded. Tony pulled him closer.

"Ok, Jarvis. Make it so."

"I'll inform the team immediately."

"I'm sorry," Bruce whispered, looking up at Tony with pained eyes.

"It's ok. Don't worry." Tony kept stroking Bruce's curls, holding him close. "You know, somebody - somebody I really admire - told me that it's ok to be scared," he cajoled. That got the smallest, faintest smile from Bruce, but it was there.

Clint and Natasha got there in a few minutes. They walked carefully into the room, still in their battle gear.

"Steve's bringing food," Clint said, catching a sweatshirt that Natasha threw him from the closet. He started stripping off his tac shirt.

Tony let out a quiet whistle. "Look, honey, they're even giving us free entertainment."

Clint gave Tony his best leer. Natasha finished stripping out of her suit and pulled on sweats too, then they both settled at the foot of the bed.

"What do you need, Bruce?" Clint asked.

"I-" Bruce swallowed, trying to gain control of his voice. "Just - just talk. About whatever. Distraction."

Clint smiled warmly. "Roger that. I gotta good one." He met Tony's eyes. "Steve had another blind date last week. We gotta grill him about that. He won't give up anything."

"I've taught him well," Natasha quipped. Her hand slipped easily into Clint's and stayed there.

Tony kept his arms around Bruce, and started asking Nat about the latest set-up. They got into an easy conversation, nobody talking about aliens or the army or anybody trying to kill anybody else for once.

After a bit he felt Bruce's shaking start to subside.

The door slid open and Steve came in, cowl off, holding two huge trays of sandwiches. He put one tray down on the desk in the corner and brought the other to the bed. He sat down on Bruce's other side and gently placed the tray in the middle of the mattress.

Nat and Clint attacked it right away. Bruce felt Steve's hand gently resting on his shoulder.

"There's the turkey that you like." Steve informed him.

"Th-thanks." Bruce managed to say.

"Excuse me, Captain," Jarvis' voice broke in. "I am afraid Fury is requesting you all for a debrief."

"Please tell Fury he's gonna have to wait. He's got Thor to debrief for now. We need to be here." Steve's voice brooked no argument. His hand stayed on Bruce's shoulder. Bruce concentrated on that and the warmth of Tony's arms around him, and half-listened to the other's voices as they started asking Steve about his date.

Steve shifted a bit to get comfortable, and Bruce felt him move closer. Steve on his left, Tony holding him on his right, the superspies at the foot of the bed. He was protected.

They were all there for _him._ That was a lot to process.

He heard Tony's voice and felt the rumble of it in Tony's chest, against his cheek. He didn't really pay attention to the words, but the others were smiling and even laughing.

He focused on his own breathing, letting their voices wash over him as a comfort. Once his breathing was somewhat more normal, he began to feel the voracious hunger that often overcame him after a transformation.

Bruce moved a bit, and immediately Tony was watching him with worried eyes but smiling softly at him. Tony lessened his hold on Bruce so Bruce could sit up.

"kinda-" Bruce struggled to speak, clearing his throat. "-hungry," he managed. Tony smiled.

"Good. Great!"

Steve put a napkin and a turkey sandwich in Bruce's lap and Tony handed him a bottle of water. Bruce drank, then handed the bottle back to Tony before picking up the sandwich.

"You - you eat too." He saw that Tony hadn't eaten anything yet. Tony nodded and picked up a roast beef sandwich and started on it, still surreptitiously watching Bruce.

"-n't put Steve on Tinder?" Bruce caught the end of what Clint was saying to Natasha.

"What's Tinder?" Bruce asked between bites. It was  really good sandwich - fresh turkey on rye with mustard.

"It's a dating app," Tony answered with his mouth full. "It's what all the cool kids are using these days." He winked at Bruce.

"I don't really think-" Steve started.

"How do you know?" Bruce asked, trying come off teasing, focusing on this and pushing away the horrible thoughts in his head.

Tony saw that Bruce was smiling ever so slightly, and eating, and not shaking anymore.

"Because I know everything," Tony smirked. "You should try it, Steve. But if we put you on it, it could crash. I'd have to shore up their servers."

"I don't know if I like the idea of choosing somebody from a picture. It seems too impersonal. And that swiping thing-" Steve shook his head.

"Aha! So you have checked it out!" Tony accused.

"Tony, I'm 95, not dead." That got a laugh from everyone. "I can use computers. They're not hard. I just like to talk to people in person."

There was a knock at the door. Natasha got to her feet. "Special order," she explained.

The door slid open and Tony saw a SHIELD lackey handed her an enormous platter of french fries.

"You are the best," Clint told her.

"I know," she smiled, then brought the tray to the bed. The fear in Tony's gut eased a bit seeing Bruce finish up his sandwich and grab a handful of fries. Bruce smiled as Clint handed him another sandwich. Tony picked up some fries, feeling like he could breathe again.

It was like a weird slumber party; not that he'd ever been to slumber parties or done normal "kid" things as a kid. They kept joking about Steve, and he actually came out with a couple good "bad blind date" stories. Bruce ate and listened and looked like he was relaxing a bit, then after some time, Tony felt the scientist's head loll onto his shoulder.

He looked over and saw Bruce was asleep. That was good; he usually needed a lot of sleep after missions.

The superspies made themselves scarce, but Steve stayed, sitting on the edge of the bed, a serious look on his face.

"What is it Cap?" Tony whispered, trying not to wake Bruce.

"Just wanted to ask you, if it's ok with you, now that Thor's back. You wanted to brief the whole team on….Murphy. I can brief Thor if you'd prefer that. So we're all on the same page."

Tony opened his mouth but nothing came out for a second. He nodded. "Yeah, uh, that'd be a good idea." Tony had no idea how the Asgardian could react, and he and Steve were close, so he could handle it better.

Steve left, off to debrief, and Tony put in his earbud.

"J, talk to me. Just…talk." After this day, with aliens, Hulk almost running off and Bruce … sleep was not gonna come easy.

Jarvis started running down the specs for the newest suit, the calm words and ideas washing over Tony, grounding him.

J was the best.

***

Tony jumped awake, heart pounding. What was wrong? He looked quickly around. Shield quarters, Bruce asleep next to him, completely wiped out. Nothing seemed amiss.

Then he heard it again.

"HHAAAAAUUUU!!!" A shout, or a wail, someone was angry, or in desperate pain. There was only one person on this ship whose voice could carry like that, except for the Other Guy.

Tony slipped out of the bed and padded to the door quietly, putting his ear to it. He had equipment he could use to amplify the sound, but he didn't want to rummage around for it and risk waking Bruce.

After a few minutes, he heard voices and thundering footsteps approaching.

"-Thor, you can't just-" Yep. Thor and Steve. Tony felt his stomach seizing up. Was he gonna have to play another round of "let me tell you about the most horrible things in my life"?

"They're sleeping. You know Bruce had a rough time tonight," came Steve's cautious voice.

"I do not intend to disturb the good doctor. Or the Man of Iron. But I must -" Thor sounded not just angry but grieved. In pain. Tony concentrated on taking deep, calming breaths and listening.

The footsteps stopped and he figured they were right outside the door.

"I must tell the Man of Iron - Anthony, he must know… I will call my companions from Asgard, my father's entire army to hunt down this villain. I would have him drawn and quartered, though it is now frowned upon as a punishment."

Tony found himself smiling at that. He didn't hate the thought of showing up at Murphy's office in the Mark XXIV, with a whole Asgardian army behind him. He put his hand on the cold grey door.

"You know I want to find this guy and rip him to shreds too," Steve said from the other side of the door. "But I told you what Tony wants. You can't do that."

"Do not worry, my friend. I will abide by Anthony's wishes, but - he must know. I must tell him." Thor had to know how his voice carried. He wasn't as stupid as all that gorgeous blond hair made him seem sometimes. His voice grew a bit quieter. "To think that he was so hurt by ones that he trusted."

"I know. I know," Steve's voice was pained.

"Anthony must know that I shall not allow such a thing to ever happen again. I shall stand beside him and smite his enemies with him. I shall bring the armies of all our allied realms to fight with him should he but ask."

Tony felt he had himself a bit under control, so he slid the door open, looking up at the two (ridiculously huge) men standing before him. They had both changed into SHIELD sweats, and Tony wondered if they had to make special sizes for Thor.

"Hey," he said softly, "Shakespeare in the park, some people are trying to sleep here."

"I apologize, Man of Iron." There was a softness on Thor's face that Tony rarely saw.

"Come on, how many times have I told you? It's Tony, just Tony."

"Of course. Tony. I-" Thor seemed not to know what to say next. Huge arms reached out and, before Tony could react, he found himself scooped up into a crushing hug, his feet even leaving the floor.

Once he realized what was happening, he was caught between freaking out and melting into the hug. It wasn't as big and warm as a Hulk hug, but it was pretty close. He winced as pain lanced through his left side; the Other Guy had gotten a bit carried away earlier.

"Thor, put him down, I don't think-" Steve was busy freaking out for him, pulling at Thor's shoulders.

"Let-let go." Tony breathed as calmly as he could. Thor immediately put him down and took a step back.

"I apologize, Man of - Tony. Are you injured?"

Tony waved away Thor's concern. "No, no. And the doctor totally overreacted grounding me for two weeks. I'm fine. Um," Tony stared at the SHIELD logo on Thor's chest. He couldn't hold that earnest, concerned gaze for too long. "I heard what you said. I got it. I got it."

Thor nodded. His hand reached out again, just lightly resting on Tony's shoulder.

"I offer you all the assistance you may need. Just ask."

"Ok. I'll let you know when I need your help smiting." That got a smile from Steve. "Right now I think we should all just get some rest." Would Jarvis be proud of him for saying something like that? "Bruce is pretty wiped out."

"Yes, of course. I am very pleased that you and Dr. Banner have joined together."

"Well-uh" Tony looked over at Steve's slightly red face and realized he was missing a great opportunity for a dirty joke but was actually too fucking tired to come up with one.

"You are a good match and I am joyous for you."

"Uh, ok. Yeah. Thanks."

Steve put his arm around Thor's shoulders, trying to steer him away. "We can all talk more in the morning."

They said goodnight and Tony went back into the quarters, just hearing Thor's voice - "…finest Asgardian ale for you."

Tony looked down at Bruce, who was sleeping curled toward the door, his arm outstretched as if reaching for Tony even in sleep. The engineer crawled into bed and Bruce shifted, wrapping his arm around Tony and pulling him close to be the little spoon.

"You k'?" Bruce mumbled, half-asleep. Tony put his arm over Bruce's, reveling in his warmth.

"Yeah. Everything's good. I'll tell you tomorrow."

Within minutes Bruce was asleep again. Tony did the deep breathing stuff and tried not to think of the Other Guy running off, of Bruce's anguished sobs, of fucking aliens-

Instead he thought of being crushed in a hug by a ridiculously muscular Asgardian. And he was overwhelmed by the stupidest feeling, but it was there. Like he wanted to tell that scared 5 year old inside him _\- See? You don't have just Captain America on your side, believing you, but you got an actual god from another planet on your team._

It felt like the 5 year old was happy about that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote most of this on vacation, finally managed to type it up and post it.


	45. Good Donuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That tone told him not to argue. Tony stepped a bit closer and lifted up his t-shirts, turning a bit to the side to show the Hulk his handiwork.  
> The behemoth let out a pained sound. "Not want…Hulk sorry. Hulk not hurt. Not want to hurt."  
> Tony could see so much of Bruce in those pained eyes. Bruce's self-hate.

Bruce slowly came out of the haze of exhausted sleep, realizing he was wrapped around a warm body. Tony was in his arms. He wasn't alone, back on that table. Being hurt.

Tears pricked at his eyes, but for a different reason than the night before. He felt so grateful, so fucking lucky. To have Tony. And the team.

Bruce wrapped his left arm a bit tighter around Tony's waist, just to feel that he was there. The other man let out a moan in his sleep. Bruce froze, listening. It wasn't fear- it was pain. He was in pain!

Bruce immediately sat up and leaned over Tony to grab the Starkphone from the nightstand.

"Jarvis, what's wrong? Where is he hurt?" He tried to whisper, as the engineer was still asleep, curled on his right side, dark circles visible under those long lashes. He shifted uncomfortably a moment, but stayed asleep.

"From the scans I was able to do on the Quinjet, it seems to be just bruising."

Bruising? But Tony wasn't even involved in the mission yesterday. So it was from-

"From the Other Guy?" he said a bit too sharply. Shit. This was his fault.

Bruce felt a hand on his arm and looked down to see Tony's laying on his back, his eyes blinking open.

"'s just a hug," came Tony's sleepy voice. "Just an overzealous hug. The Other Guy was upset. Not his fault."

Bruce's hands went immediately to pull up Tony's t-shirt but he stopped with his fingers gently resting on Tony's waist. He was trying to teach Tony about consent, so he didn't want to just grab him without his permission. He wanted to try to give Tony clear examples to help him understand.

"Tony, can I take a look? Please."

Tony rolled his eyes. "I'm fine. It's nothing."

" _Please."_ When Tony didn't answer, he pushed on. "I could call Dr. Rodriguez in to check on you."

"You wouldn't!" That was playing dirty, but Tony realized Bruce was about to spiral fully into self-flagellation mode. He had to stop that. "Ok." He raised his arms a bit so Bruce could lift up his t-shirt.

Bruce gently lifted Tony's shirt, rumpling it up under his armpits. The light of the reactor shone bright blue, highlighting the huge red thumb-shaped bruise across Tony's ribcage.

Bruce's breath caught in his throat and he was hit by a wave of dizziness. "Tony, he…he could have cracked your ribs. He could have-"

"He wasn't angry," Tony said gently. "He didn't want to hurt me. He was just scared. He got a little touchy-feely. I was just a hug. And you know I like it when you mark me up," Tony tried a wink, but Bruce wasn't buying it.

He gestured for Tony to turn over, and Tony turned on his right side. Bruce took in the finger-shaped bruises along his side and back, just starting to purple. He pressed gently at the bruises, checking for tissue damage.

"You have to tell him when he hurts you. We know he's learning. I think he'll listen. You have to tell him next time."

"I will." Tony turned back over, his eyes serious. "I will, ok? I just, I was concentrating on keeping him from running off. Keeping you from-from leaving. I didn't want to spook him. I won't let him run off, you run off-"

Bruce took Tony's hand and squeezed it, hard. He heard the fear in Tony's voice. He was worried that Tony would let Hulk do anything, even break his bones, to keep him from leaving.

"Hey, breathe," Bruce said gently. "I'm here. Everything's ok."

Tony nodded and just breathed for a few moments.

"I'll - I'll tell him not to do it again. I know he understands. Anyway, he told me himself he's not leaving. I'm going to make an earpiece for him, and we can let him out to practice, test it. He needs to learn the team is here for him too."

"Ok," Bruce nodded. "That does sound like a good idea."

Tony sat up, running his hand over his face. "So, it wasn't just the Other Guy. Got a painful hug from Thor too last night."

"Really? I thought I heard his voice."

Tony caught Bruce up on what had happened while he was sleeping like the dead. Bruce smiled at hearing about Thor's reaction.

"We got a good team."

"Yeah," Tony nodded. "Yeah we do."

They showered and made it to the mess hall, where Tony saw Thor causing some kind of commotion at the buffet, scared agents avoiding him. Bruce had slept, but Tony saw he was still sort of in zombie-mode, so he helped the other man to a table and sat him down.

"What do you want?"

Bruce shrugged, then glanced behind Tony, the corner of his mouth twitching up. Tony turned to see Thor approaching with a platter, no, a tower of donuts in one hand and a huge mug in the other. He placed the donuts in front of Tony and the mug before Bruce, sitting down across from them.

"Man of Iron, Tony, I have obtained all of your favorite sweets. And Dr. Banner, they have assured me that this is the best "tea" they have."

Thor anxiously watched Tony for his reaction, and Tony was actually nonplussed, having trouble processing all this "niceness". But he smiled and sat down.

"Thank you. These are my favorite." Tony started on a chocolate donut at the top of the heap.

"Thank you, Thor," Bruce said, brightening up a bit. "But Tony will have a heart attack if he tries to eat all these. I think we can share with the team." As if on cue, a weary Natasha dragged a tired-looking Clint and sat strategically next to Tony. Tony plucked the donut with the most sprinkles on it from the pile and handed it to her.

"Do you require a beverage?" Thor asked him.

"Got that covered," came Steve's voice. He set down a decent-smelling mug of coffee beside Tony's donut tower and grabbed a donut with his other hand. Tony didn't know if he should be annoyed at being "coddled", but since there was food involved, he figured he could forgive it this time. And Bruce was actually "living on the wild side", picking out a powdered donut and starting to munch on it.

Tony leaned in and kissed powder off Bruce's lips.

"God, Stark, get a room," Coulson deadpanned, sitting down next to Steve. Tony laughed while Bruce tried to hide his face in his mug.

"We got one. The best one in this dump. But can't wait to get out of here."

"After the debrief. And then we thought Dr. Banner might be interested in helping us study the alien we captured." Bruce's eyes definitely perked up at that.

There were no disasters during breakfast, but Thor was overly interested in Tony and Bruce's relationship, especially when everyone finally noticed the ring Tony was wearing.

"Are you betrothed?" The god smiled at them.

"Uh, we haven't really talked about that yet," Bruce blurted out, saving Tony, who looked frozen in shock. "What about you? Are you seeing Jane on this trip?"

Bruce got Thor talking about Jane and her success in her work, and Tony breathed a sigh of relief. He glanced to his right to find Natasha looking at him, a soft, fond look on her face. She gave him a nod and took another donut.

* * *

At the debrief with Fury, Tony kept an eye on Bruce, who seemed a bit better after eating breakfast.

Tony was buzzing on a sugar high and the urge to start working on all the ideas running through his head, but he played nice. He also jumped right in to head off Fury's concerns about the Hulk's behavior by explaining his ideas for the earpiece and remote controlled suits.

Fury didn't seem completely convinced, but sometimes Fury was kind of impossible to read.

"And we haven't been fair to the Other Guy. We need to involve him in more team activities that aren't smashing. He's not some circus animal that we just take out when we need him. He's like a child, in a good way, meaning his learning curve is exponential. He can be a lot more than we let him be." Tony saw Bruce smiling at him, an amazed look on his face. "And he needs to know that we've got his back too."

Coulson looked at Steve. "Will you take care of that?"

Steve nodded. "Yes. That's a good idea. We'll plan training with him too, if that's ok with you Bruce?"

"Of course. I agree with Tony."

When the debrief was over, Coulson took Bruce to study the captured aliens, while Natasha dragged Tony off for target practice. He'd much rather do some sparing, but this was about the only thing they'd let him do until Dr. Rodriguez lifted his two week "sentence" in a couple of days.

When Natasha  saw Tony's perfect score, he saw a look on her face that he hadn't catalogued yet; she had so many in her arsenal. This was appreciation and…approval?

"What?"

"It's just that, you know there are people out there that think that you're weak without the suit?"

Tony smiled knowingly. "They can keep on thinking that. Gives me the element of surprise. Anyway, you studied me," he winked to let her know that he was over it, kind of. "You know I learned to shoot before I learned to ride a bike."

Natasha nodded. As they put their pistols away he could tell she wanted to say something else. He just waited as he followed her to the coffee room next door, and they were both seated at a table with a hot cup of what passed for coffee at SHIELD when she finally said what was on her mind.

"I still have to place the last operative, but I am starting to receive intel. Not much but it's coming in. "

Tony nodded, not really trusting his voice.

"I thought it best to wait till we have everything we can get before you look at it. I'm passing everything on to Jarvis and he has total and final control of it all. I'm not keeping any of it from you."

"Ok. I know." He did trust her now, after everything. Tony took a sip of coffee just for something to do. Natasha put her hand gently on his arm, as if trying not to spook him.

"I'm totally on board with your decision to bring him to justice. I just wanted to make sure you understand that, there's a risk…when this goes public, things about you could get out too. Things you don't want people to know. I want you to be prepared for that."

Tony took a breath, staring down at his coffee. "Yeah. I know that," he said calmly. He hadn't thought about it much but it was something he knew could happen. "But he's - " he raised his eyes to hers. "Stopping him from hurting people, hurting kids, is way more important than my 'pride' or whatever." Tony swallowed, his hand gripping the coffee mug too tightly.

She nodded knowingly.

"And- it's-" could he do it? Say the thing that he had slowly realized since this started. "-it's my fault…. I mean, because I never told anybody, I didn't tell anybody about Murphy because I woulda had to tell them…woulda had to admit to myself…"

He tapered off and she just took his words in, gaze unwavering, still touching him. He knew he'd get no ridiculous platitudes from her. That calmed him a bit, knowing he could count on that.

"I get that. You know, guilt can be pretty fucking useless a lot of the time. But sometimes it's there to remind you that something's important. This is important. What we're doing. We're doing the right thing now."

Tony nodded at that. "Wait, that kinda sounds like shrink-speak?"

"Maybe," she shrugged, revealing nothing. "You're not the only one 'working' on things."

She got up and opened a cabinet, taking out some vodka and spiking both their coffees with it. Tony smiled and took a sip. Natasha seemed to decide something. "But I think we need to bring Fury in on this."

Tony just blinked at her. Took another sip of coffee.

"Hear me out. Once we have enough proof, we're going to have to get the FBI and Interpol involved, at the least. Nick knows how to deal with them. He knows how to deal with bureaucracy and all that and be…diplomatic," she said carefully. "I don't think it's a strongsuit for you or me."

Shit, he had to admit she was right about that. After what he did in Congress, he didn't think that elected officials would be very intent on giving him the benefit of the doubt.

"Nick is a good person to have on your side. He's on your side too now."

Nick was very protective of his people. He'd been pretty intimidating to Tony when Natasha revealed her identity to him. And he reminded himself that Fury had actually given the Hulk the shovel talk on his behalf. He could see that Nick was the best person to handle this. "Ok. You can bring him up to speed."

"Good. I'll let you know when I tell him."

 _Great._ He couldn't wait for that conversation.

"Nat, uh- thank you. Thank you for all of this."

Another smile with a million layers to it. "It's ok. Just keep me in brownies and we're good."

* * *

Hulk was crouched in the middle of Tony's Malibu workshop, in a space they'd cleared of equipment. Jarvis was going to scan the Other Guy for the measurements for his new earpiece. Tony had already been working for hours when Bruce came down to find him, and he'd agreed to let the Other Guy out to do some testing.

The green behemoth looked carefully at Tony, who was standing in front of him looking up.

"No smash?"

"No, no smash today. Everything's under control. I need you to do some work with me. Some tinkering. I'm gonna make you one of these." Tony held out one of his own earbuds.

"America use. Talk to team. Talk to big ship."

"Yep. That's right. The whole team uses them and now you can too. I just need you to sit still so Jarvis can scan you. He's not gonna touch you, just measure your ear. When this is done you'll be able to hear me and the rest of the team when we're in battle. When you're smashing."

"Still now?"

"Yep." Tony went to one of his workstations, starting the scan. Hulk was still but his eyes moved, taking in his surroundings.

"New lab?"

"We're in Malibu. My other house. Well, one of them. I have a lot." Tony talked while his hands moved like lightning across the keyboard and screens. Jarvis was quick and in a few minutes they had the scans they needed.

Later he would work on finishing the design and fabrication. Right now he wanted to give the Other Guy some time to be without smashing. Tony took his hands off the keyboard and got up, walking back to the Other Guy.

Hulk looked like he was listening to something - in his head. Listening to Bruce?

"Banner say Hulk hurt Tinman." That huge face morphed into displeasure and concern.

 _Shit._ "Oh. He told you that now?" Hulk nodded. "You just squeezed a bit too hard. It's no big deal. It's just a bruise."

"Banner says show." That tone told him not to argue. Tony stepped a bit closer and lifted up his t-shirts, turning a bit to the side to show the Hulk his handiwork.

The behemoth let out a pained sound. "Not want…Hulk sorry. Hulk not hurt. Not want to hurt."

Tony could see so much of Bruce in those pained eyes. Bruce's self-hate.

"I know Big Guy. I know. It was a mistake. We all screw up. I know you never want to hurt me."

Hulk shook his head and angrily growled, "Hulk not hurt Tony!" A sigh that could knock men over. "Hulk not angry at Tony. But Tony tell Hulk when hurt. Tell! Hulk understand."

" I know. I will. I promise. I'm sorry I didn't tell you." Tony touched Hulk's fist, trying to offer some comfort. "Look, with this earbud - "Tony pulled up some holoscreens and showed Hulk the design, and a mock up of Hulk using the earbud in battle. "You can talk to me wherever you are. Or if you can't get me you talk to Jarvis. So if you have to - temporarily - get away from bad men, you tell me where you are. You tell me and I'll come get you."

Hulk watched the screens carefully, taking everything in.

"I promise. You promise me and I promise you." Hulk's eyes moved from the screen to meet Tony's and his huge fist wrapped gently around Tony's hand.

"Hulk promise."

"It's kinda my fault too. We don't give you enough of a chance to do things other than smash. You're great at smashing but you need to practice not smashing. Right now. We can go down to the beach. Look" Tony closed the screens and gestured to the glass wall looking out over the cliff, down to the water.

Hulk lumbered closer to the glass, his mouth slowly turning up into a smile.

"Hulk like water. Like swim."

Tony swallowed at that. Shit. He'd have to go in the water. Well, at least he had a deep-dive suit that he'd already prepped.

Living near the water wasn't the same for him anymore. But if it helped the big guy relax, he'd try anything.

* * *

Bruce came back to himself on the beach. He was slumped on the sand, facing away from the water. He felt worn out, as always after a transformation, but calm. The voice in the back of his head was…happy?

He looked up at the sound of Iron Man touching down a few feet in front of him, Tony's deep dive suit (Mark twenty or thirty something, Bruce couldn't keep up with them all) landing on its feet. The blue-green pieces slowly peeled off from him and the suit reformed beside a smiling Tony, who was taking deep breaths.

He walked a few steps and kneeled in front of Bruce, his hand on Bruce's arm.

"How are you feeling?"

Bruce smiled and Tony helped him up, Bruce enjoying the feeling of the sand between his toes. "Tired. But…good. He had fun," the scientist sounded surprised at that.

"Yeah. We went pretty far, kinda played underwater tag." Tony was smiling back but Bruce saw the tightness around his eyes. Even in a suit, it was hard for him to be in the water.

"Were you talking to him? He asked me about my bruises."

"It's kind of hazy, but I think so. Like I sometimes hear him in the back of my head, I think he could hear me."

"He could. He scolded me good."

Bruce pulled into a hug, careful of his bruises but holding him tight.

"Thank you for taking care of him like that."

"Big Guy always takes care of me. Good to see him have some fun. You wanna come up and see the designs and the scans?"

"Before we do that, how 'bout a nap? You and me in my 'Bruce cave'?"

Tony pulled back and looked at Bruce, and his smile grew more real, some of those lines of tension fading.

"That…that sounds perfect."

Once they were warm and dry, lying on the couch in Bruce's secret study, Tony draped over him and seemingly drifting into sleep, Bruce felt the connection with the Other Guy open up.

Images flowed through his head, Hulk swimming after Tony in the blue suit, diving deep. Following Tinman on the bottom of the ocean, Tony _playing_ with the Other Guy, streaking away in a game of underwater tag. The Other Guy easily catching up to Tony and reaching out to touch the leg of the suit, gently.

So gently. Hulk was being careful.

And it wasn't just the images that came through to Bruce. It was also the Other Guy's feelings. Exhilaration. Even maybe joy.

They were good feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The wiki says that the Mark 37 (Deep Dive Suit) is sea green, but I have the toy of it and it's blue. So I made it blue.
> 
> I have more than 3000 words of the next chapter done, so it will be coming!


	46. Good Sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're right," Nick said calmly. "It's not SHIELD business. It's much more important than that. It's - MY - business. It's personal."  
> Tony just forced himself to keep breathing, trying to stop himself from shaking. It was stupid; there was nothing wrong. He didn't need to feel so - exposed - to Nick. Nick wanted to help.  
> "It's my business because somebody messed with my people. Nobody messes with my people. Got that?" And there it was, his death stare. But Tony understood it wasn't directed at him. It was directed at the people that wanted to hurt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, didn't have time to edit much. Hope there's no big mistakes.
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving! (if you celebrate it). Here's the promised Tony whump! :D (there is some heavy stuff in this chapter, just be aware)
> 
> Nov. 28 - fixed some typos

It was one of those days where Bruce would barely see Tony, as their schedules only matched up for a minutes. Bruce was in the kitchen of the penthouse putting together some relatively healthy sandwiches for Tony, while he would be out at lunch with the dean of Columbia. Then he was working with Helen Cho in the afternoon.

He was trying not to be too nervous about teaching. In the past two weeks since they got back from Malibu he'd met his entire security team and was confident they would do a good job. He decided to wear the sedative bracelet, and Jarvis was easily reachable through his Starkphone that he would keep with him at all times.

At the rate the Other Guy was learning, Bruce was starting to trust more in his ability to communicate with him.  Hulk took to the earpiece well. Tony had it ready in no time, and they'd let Hulk "out" several times to try it and train with the rest of the team. Steve told Bruce he was sending very positive progress reports to Fury on the Other Guy's behavior.

Bruce placed the platter of sandwiches on the kitchen island, as Jarvis informed him that Tony was on his way up from the gym.

At least today Tony had agreed to resume training with Nat. Tony usually tried to keep up with his training, but as soon as they'd come back to New York in the new year, he'd started working on his legion.

Bruce was concerned that Tony was spending too much time in the workshop and not getting enough sleep, but he did understand that the suits gave Tony a feeling of control. He understood that well.

And the legion was a good idea - it could make the Other Guy feel more protected, and having remote controlled suits would mean that Tony could help in more situations while avoiding putting himself directly in danger all the time.

The elevator opened and Tony walked in, wiping his sweat with a towel.

"Hey," Tony smiled, giving Bruce a sweaty hug and a kiss. "You look good."

Bruce was wearing his usual slacks and shirt, but did take advice from Tony on a dark jacket that was a bit more elegant than what he usually wore.

"Thanks."

Tony sat on a stool and picked up a sandwich, biting hungrily into it.

"I wanted you to eat something before your meeting with Fury. Not just the dried blueberries you hide in the workshop."

Tony nodded, swallowing. Natasha had briefed Fury on the Murphy situation, but he hadn't had time to talk to Tony directly until today. Not that Tony minded; it was another conversation he would love putting off.

"I will. You know I have a tattletale AI that will tell you if I don't," Tony half-joked. "Text me to let me know how it goes. How well it goes." He stood up and moved closer to Bruce. "You got this."

"I know," Bruce said, trying to believe it. He looked quickly at the clock. "Gotta go."

He leaned in and kissed Tony again, feeling Tony squeeze his arm.

"Remember I'm working with Dr. Cho this afternoon, if you need me." Bruce had met her at Tony's New Year's party; had actually survived the party by talking science with Dr. Cho and Jane Foster for most of the evening.

"Hm," Tony smirked. "I'm getting kinda jealous of her. I mean the way you talk about her brain-" Bruce chuckled and kissed Tony again.

"The security team is ready when you are Bruce." Jarvis interrupted.

"Ok. Ok. I'm going."

Once Bruce left, Tony showered and changed, then took a few more sandwiches down to the workshop. He had a bit of time to work before meeting with Nick.

He lost himself in his work until Jarvis informed him Nick had arrived and was waiting in the Avengers conference room.

Tony tried to be calm as he took the elevator up. Both Natasha and Coulson had offered to come to the meeting with him, but he wasn't ready for another round of 'let's share with the group'. It was fine with him just to talk to Nick.

Tony walked into the meeting room to find Fury sitting at his usual spot at the head of the table. He nodded at the chair next to him. Tony forced himself to walk forward, keeping his poker face on. He thought he would somehow get used to this - to ripping his heart out in front of people, showing them all his weaknesses. But he couldn't.

Tony sat down and forced himself to look at the other man.

"You know Romanoff brought me up to speed on all this."

"Yeah." Tony just sat still, trying to breathe.

"I think that was a good call. I can help. I want you to know I'm on it."

Luckily, Nick got down to business. He gave Tony background on his contacts at the FBI and Interpol, the people that would be handling the case if they found more evidence. He pulled up screens and answered Tony's questions about timelines and procedures with his normal, unflappable veneer.

After a while, Nick got up and went to the sideboard to grab a bottle of water, letting Tony continue reading the files. Giving him space, Tony realized.

Tony would be memorizing every detail about these people later. For the moment he was just absorbing as much as he could.

"I understand this isn't easy." Nick's voice came from behind him. Tony turned in his chair to regard Nick, who was leaning against the sideboard. He just stared.

"I get that this is…hard."

"It's, well, you know, I didn't really want the whole fucking world to know this stuff. And it's not SHIELD business-"

"You're right," Nick said calmly. "It's not SHIELD business. It's much more important than that. It's - MY - business. It's personal."

Tony just forced himself to keep breathing, trying to stop himself from shaking. It was stupid; there was nothing wrong. He didn't need to feel so - exposed - to Nick. Nick wanted to help.

"It's my business because somebody messed with my people. Nobody messes with my people. Got that?" And there it was, his death stare. But Tony understood it wasn't directed at him. It was directed at the people that wanted to hurt him.

Tony managed to nod.

"I'm with you on this no matter what it takes. We'll make sure this guy never sees the light of day again, I promise. Do you get that, Tony?"

Tony tried to calm his pounding heart. Ok. Nobody was gonna tase him. Nobody was gonna make him talk about his feelings, he was pretty sure. Nick Fury was certainly not about to ask him to share. Tony took a breath.

"Yeah," he said, more calmly. "I - I can get that."

Nick's gaze was real, almost open. "I'm like you. I'm not real good at letting things go."He moved back to his seat, placing the bottle of water to the side, then leaning closer to Tony. "SHIELD personnel have to have psych evaluations. Mandatory sessions. Barton, Romanoff, Rogers. But you're a consultant. I can't order you to do anything. But I can suggest."

"Yeah, well, wait. I actually have a shrink," Tony gave him a wry smile. Fury returned it with a look of absolute disbelief, his eyebrow raised. "I know," Tony actually huffed out a small laugh. "But he hasn't fired me yet."

"Hm. Good. Good. Let's hope you keep it that way."

* * *

Tony had some time before a meeting with the mayor's people, and went down to get a good cup of coffee at the food court on the 27th floor. His phone buzzed while he was in line.

_Lunch went great. We're going to see my office._

_I told you not to worry. So I get to call you Professor now? ;)_

_Only if you're a good student. ;)_

"The usual, Mr. Stark?" Veronica, the cashier asked. Tony looked up from his phone.

"Yeah, thanks." She rang up the order and he swiped his credit card, stepping to the right to wait for his coffee. His eye was caught by a TV on the back wall as paparazzi pics of him and Bruce in Malibu popped up on the screen. He and Bruce hadn't been out much in the past two weeks, so the paps were still using those.

It was actually a nice shot; he and Bruce walking down a busy street, talking, hand in hand. The feed went back to the studio and two women and a man sitting around a table were talking about him.

He shouldn't listen, he knew that. He tried not to but some of their words made it through.

"…think it's sweet," one of the women was saying.

"Yeah," the other woman laughed in that fake TV way. "Anyone want to make a bet on how long this one will last? We all know Tony Stark can't keep it in his pants."

It was stupid. He shouldn't pay any attention to it. It was something he'd been hearing from the press almost his whole life, and usually he could just brush it off or play it up. He knew how to ignore it.

But not now, it seemed. Now that voice had invaded his head and was hard to get rid of-

- _that's my good boy. See how much you like this?_

The barista set down his coffee and he grabbed hold of the cup tightly, trying to keep anyone from seeing his hands had started shaking.

He saw Veronica glance over at him, her dark eyes concerned. She hit a button on her console and the TV changed to an action movie. He nodded at her and stuffed a large bill in the tip jar before he turned and started walking away.

Tony was on the walkway in the shopping area, the sea of people flowing around him. He just had to get to his private elevator. He had to get out of there as fast as he could without causing a scene. Before anyone could see he was freaking out.

He _couldn't_ have a fucking freakout right in the middle of the concourse. He could just see the headlines now.

_Breathe, idiot, breath!_

He somehow waded through the office workers, S.I. people and tourists filling the walkway, telling himself, _ten more steps to the elevator and you'll be safe._

Then the elevator was in front of him and he pressed his thumb to the scanner. When it opened, he propped himself back against the wall, finally letting the shaking take him over as the doors closed. He heard more than felt his coffee cup drop to the floor, feeling a hot splash on his slacks.

"Sir?" Jarvis' concerned voice.

"Get - get me outta here." He felt the panic rising, washing over him. The elevator took off quickly, J taking him home.

"Remember, Sir, your focus-" came Jarvis' voice.

"F-focus on where I am," he gasped out. But it was hard, so hard.

The elevator stopped and he was halfway down the hallway before he realized Jarvis had taken him to the therapy floor. He kept going anyway; he just needed to be away from people.

He got into the room and found himself sitting on the plush carpet with his back against the legs of the desk, his arms around himself. Tony held tight, just trying to block out the voices in his head.

"Can you tell me what you're feeling, Tony?" Jarvis probed gently. Tony shook his head. What he was feeling, it was too much. He didn't want to "talk". He didn't want to talk about anything ever again.

"Ok. That's fine. You take as much time as you need."

 _Breathe!_ But it was hard, the feelings attacking him - he could _feel_ those hands on him…

_No! It's not happening now!_

He sat there for some time, he had no idea how long, trying to corral the churning inside him into something that could be expressed with words. Jarvis kept talking gently to him.

"I am here, Tony. You are safe. Remember these things are not happening now."

He forced himself to nod so that Jarvis knew he wasn't completely out of it. He knew where he was, what was going on, he was just using all his energy to stop those memories.

Then something else floated into his head.

"I-I had a meeting?" He'd actually love to be in a meeting right now, even a boring one, just to not be here, feeling these things.

"I have rescheduled it for next week."

"Ok. Yeah. Good." He was managing to breathe now and the scent of fresh coffee finally caused him to lift his head. He saw that Jarvis had made a fresh pot for him. Maybe he could get up and pour a mug.

He struggled to his feet and padded over to the corner where the coffeemaker was, pouring himself a big mug and adding a bunch of sugar. Then he climbed into the huge armchair, taking a sip of the hot coffee.

"Do you think you can talk now?"

"Yeah. Ok." He didn't really want to, but J thought he should, so he would try.

"Can you tell me, did you notice a specific trigger for this episode?"

"It was - stupid press. Some talk show, at the coffee place." Tony managed to find his voice. His free hand was tapping anxiously against the arm rest.

"Just a moment I'll - I found it. Oh." Behind that one syllable, Tony could hear J's desire to seriously harm the talk show host. "Hm. Discussing your romantic history."

Tony huffed out a laugh. "Yeah, if you want to put it that way."

"I know you are objectively aware that most of what the press says is, how do you put it, "complete horseshit." But I understand that these personal attacks are difficult to handle. Especially at the current time."

Tony was feeling like he'd much rather face off against Loki again, without his suit, than tackle these feelings, but he was trying, he was. Jarvis talked at him for a while, trying to coax replies from him.

He didn't answer much, just sipped his coffee. He was anxious, hyper, his hand tapping out a rhythm on the red armrest, his other hand gripping the half-empty coffee mug.

He couldn't believe how much he was able to tell Jarvis sometimes. How he let his guard down. He knew that Jarvis was trying to get him to understand that it wasn't his fault, he did understand that, but the voice in his head was louder than Jarvis' today.

"But - but they're right," he finally muttered, almost not hearing himself.

"The press? No, they are not," Jarvis said, almost angrily. Tony just stared down at his lap, trying to breathe.

"H-he said. He always said-" Tony heard his own voice as if from far away, couldn't really believe he was admitting this. But somehow he was.

_See how much you love this?_

_"-_ sometimes I didn't stop him- because he - because it -

_see how good it is… you know you want this…._

"…it felt...it wasn't… bad… Because it felt good."

It took a moment to realize he'd vomited the words out because he couldn't stand it anymore. Jarvis thought he was so brave, so good. But he wasn't. He knew he wasn't.

He knew because he'd been told so often. By that voice was taking over his head again.

_my good little slut…_

Jarvis was talking, but Tony didn't really hear him with the whirling fear in his chest. He tried to focus.

"…Tony? It is perfectly natural that you would have a physical response. Physical arousal is simple biology. Are you saying you were aroused at times? That you reached orgasm?"

It actually took Tony a minute to understand the question Jarvis just asked him. _…_ when he finally understood, he jumped out of the armchair to his feet.

What did he say? _Had he said that out loud? He'd said it, hadn't he?_ He'd admitted it, said it out loud, and now Jarvis knew, and was asking him… _Oh god. No._

All he knew was he couldn't talk about this. He thought he could, but no! No way! He was not going there. That was not gonna happen! Screw examining your feelings.

"No! Stop! You - don't - I can't. I can't! Forget what I said!" The pain was back in his chest and he felt the panic closing in.

"Tony, I was simply trying to point out that it was not your fault." Jarvis was calm, trying to soothe him. "The press is not right. Neither was he. He used shame to control you. Made you think that your body's normal physical reaction…  It is completely normal, at times, for your physiological response-"

"No! Forget what I said! Forget it! And don't you fucking repeat that! Don't you dare! Fuck!" His head was buzzing now, his throat burning, bile rising. "This session is over!"

Tony fled from the room, momentarily forgetting that Jarvis could follow him anywhere in the Tower. Or anywhere he went with his phone in his pocket.

He found himself in the living room of the floor they used for their sessions and looked around in panic, then glanced down and realized that he was still holding his coffee mug.

"Fuck!" He flung it hard across the room, watching it crash against the wall-length windows. The sound was comforting somehow.

"Sir, please try to calm down." Out of the "therapy" room, Jarvis switched back to AI mode.

"No! No! Don't talk about that, don't ever ask me that question again! That's an order." The mug smashing against the glass had dulled the horrible buzzing in his head for a moment. He looked around for more things to throw.

Ah, yeah! Thank god all the floors of the tower were well-stocked with liquor. He fell on the liquor cabinet and tore out some tumblers, lobbing them overhand to hear them crash. It was satisfying, calming somehow. The crashing, the smashing, the noise drowned out his thoughts for a moment, his memories, his fucking _answer_ to that unthinkable question.

_show me how much you like this…_

He lobbed a few more, enjoying the crashing, crunching sounds, watching the glass fly in all directions. He reached to pick up another tumbler, but - _oh_ _shit  -_ there came the shakes. Trying to ignore them, he picked up the glass and threw it, but with his arm shaking it didn't go very far. It hit the floor - shattering - and he felt a shard clip his cheek. He wiped at it and looked down to see his trembling fingers full of blood. Shit.

_Don’t. Don't think about it. Don't think. More noise._

He threw another glass, and another, managing to get them further this time. Over near the glass wall of the living room.

"Sir, you need to-"

"No! You need to shut up. Or I'll turn you into a toaster."

"You could injure yourself Sir."

"I'm not a fucking five year old!" Part of him did realize he was actually acting like one, again, but he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop himself.

He kept throwing until all the glasses were gone. All that was left to throw were good bottles of scotch, and he didn't wanna throw them.

Tony stood still for a moment, just staring down at the shards of glass on the floor. There was a pretty big one near the couch. If he wanted to stop thinking, he could pick it up and…

"Tony?" He heard a concerned voice from the elevator. Damn, it was Capsicle. Steve. "Are you okay? Jarvis said-."

"Go away Steve." No matter what progress they'd made as teammates, as kind-of-friends now, he could not - _would not -_ have Captain America see him like this.

He turned to glare at Steve, who looked unassuming in jeans and a sweatshirt, but with his patented Captain America - in control - expression. Then he saw Steve's eyes go wide in shock.

"No. What's going on? You're bleeding." Steve stepped into the room, moving toward Tony.

"Leave. I don't want you here. Nobody's supposed to be on this floor." Tony wrapped his arms around himself, backing away.

"I understand. I understand that. I'm sorry, but Jarvis called me. Said you needed help."

"No, I don't." Tony said stupidly.

 "I really don't feel right leaving you alone like this, if you're hurt. Let me help." He spoke calmly, but he kept moving closer, reaching out his hand to Tony.

 _No. No_. Tony wanted to control himself, he realized he was acting crazy, but he couldn't stop it. It was impossible. As Steve moved toward him, he felt his breath catch.

 _Nonono_.

Steve was too big and getting too close. Too close.  He didn't want Steve near him. He didn't want anybody touching him.

"No!" In a panic, Tony kept backing up, holding his hands out as if to protect himself, feeling the glass crunch underneath his sneakers. His mind was telling him to run, to escape.  He heard the fear in his own voice.

Steve clearly did too, because he froze immediately. He blanched, a horrified look on his face, and practically jumped backwards, away from Tony.

" Shit, I'm sorry. Ok. I'm not-" Steve said worriedly, and raised his hands in a sign of surrender. He took a few more steps back, then sat down in the nearest armchair against the far wall, hunkering down, trying to make himself smaller, Tony realized. Trying to calm Tony down. "I'll just stay over here. Right here. I'm not gonna touch you. Can you tell me what's wrong-"

"No - I - I" Tony shook his head hard. God, his chest was so tight, his lungs hurt. He turned and stared at the windows, reminding himself, this was his tower, his kingdom. He'd made himself safe. He was safe.

"Sir, please, take deep breaths." The traitor's voice from the ceiling. He knew, objectively, it wasn't Jarvis' fault, but he felt too raw, too scared to really understand. He just needed everything to stop. "Shall I call someone else?"

"No. Just - you just shut up! Mute." Tony ordered. He felt his legs giving out on him and stumbled backwards a little further, to feel the couch brushing against the back of his knees. He sank down into it gratefully, feeling the shaking still had a hold of him.

Tony kept his face toward the window, his head turned away from Steve as he felt the tears falling down his face, burning his lacerated cheek. He was damned if he was going to let Captain America see him cry.  Tony still saw that judgment in Steve's eyes from time to time, and he couldn't handle seeing it right now. Steve already knew too much about him.

"Nobody's gonna hurt you, Tony," Steve said in a small voice.

Tony nodded, to show he understood. He realized he was freaking Steve out. Tony tried to focus on his  breathing, to regain control of himself.

"Tony, I'm here right now. Let me help you."

Tony shook his head, but managed not to say anything else stupid. He was slowly gaining control over the five year-old. Slowly.

"Ok. Just - just breathe right now. Take some breaths. I'm just going to stay right here. I'm not gonna move."

He took a breath. Then another one, holding tight to himself and trying to block out that voice, those memories. God, he swallowed hard against the terror of slipping back to that place, that time… No! He wouldn't let it happen!

He could do this. Do the breathing crap. Hold on. Not lose it. Luckily, Steve was silent for a while, and Tony kept breathing, getting himself a bit under control.

"What can I do?" came the earnest boy scout voice again, after a while. "Please."

A small holoscreen opened up in front of Tony, with a message from Jarvis:

_Sir, I believe Captain Rogers is sincere. He only wishes to assist you. And I sincerely apologize for pushing you to discuss something you do not wish to discuss._

Tony let out a small laugh. He'd told Jarvis to shut up, but not that he couldn't text. J was too smart. And this was J's way of saying, 'Let Steve help you you idiot'.

He gave a small nod and slowly turned his head back to look at Steve. Steve held his gaze, his eyes calm and lacking any self-righteousness, Tony had to admit. He was just worried.

"You don't have to talk about anything. You don't have to explain. But come on, let me stop your bleeding. Please."

The reasonable voice popped up in Tony's head. _Don't be stupid._

"Get - get the first aid kit if you want," Tony sighed, gesturing toward the bathroom. They had well-stocked first aid kits on every floor of the tower, for obvious reasons.

Steve nodded and got up. He was back in a few minutes, walking slowly over to the couch to sit down next to Tony. He put the first aid kit down on the coffee table and opened it up, then turned to Tony and gently raised his hand.

"Can I-?"

Tony nodded and tried not to jump as Steve reached up to his face. He was still shaking a bit.

"Jarvis, is there any glass in the cut?" Steve asked.

The text screen popped up in front of Tony again.

_May I talk, Sir?_

Tony almost smiled. "Yeah. Unmute."

"I am not detecting any debris in the laceration."

"Good. Tony, I'm going to clean off the blood first," Steve said. He started explaining his every action to Tony before he did it as if Tony were concussed or something. But it did seem to keep Tony from flinching too much.

Steve worked quickly. He was used to helping with first aid in the field. He cleaned the wound and put a small bandaid on it.

"All set." He closed up the kit and sat back.

Tony swallowed down his embarrassment and found the courage to look Steve in the eye. He finally noticed how tired and drawn the other man looked. He'd been away for a mission with the Strike team, if Tony remembered what Bruce told him correctly. From the look on Steve's face it hadn't gone so well.

"Thanks… Shitty mission?"

"Yeah. Real shitty." Steve sighed.

"Let's go get a drink."

"Yeah. Sure. My floor's pretty well stocked, we can go there." Steve looked down at the glass all over the floor, and seemed to decide something. He stood up. "But first I have an idea." Stay right there. Five minutes. I'll be right back. I'm just gonna get something."

 _Telling him to stay? What was he, a fucking dog?_ Tony was about to protest when Steve ran off to the elevator, so Tony just sat there.

"Sir?" came Jarvis' concerned voice.

"I-I'm not talking to you right now," Tony said softly. The anger was almost gone, but it seemed that the five-year old was still making himself known.

"Sir I sincerely apologize for my misjudgment. It seemed you were ready to discuss these issues. I will not discuss them again until we decide together that you feel ready."

Tony made a non-committal noise to that, trying to empty his head out. Just not think.

After a few minutes, Steve stepped out of the elevator carrying a huge cardboard box, which he set down a few feet from the couch. Tony got up and walked over, his feet crunching on glass. He looked down and saw that it was full of more glasses and tumblers, and some empty glass bottles. He looked up at Steve, confused.

"Come on," Steve said, trying a smile. Then he picked up a glass, took a step away from Tony and heaved it toward the window. It exploded into a million shards.

Tony breathed a sigh of relief. _Thank god Cap came from a time when nobody talked about their fucking feelings!_

He actually felt himself smiling too as he picked up a hefty tumbler from a set - he remembered them being a gift from some diplomat - and tossed it hard.


	47. Good Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reese smiled but her eyes drifted away from his. "It's just….I don't understand. I don't understand why it seems so hard now. I'm safe now. I got away. Why's it still so hard?" She put the half-eaten slice of pizza down in the opened box, curling her hands together in her lap.
> 
> "I don't know. But I've had that too." Ok, time to be the "wise" adult here. "Sometimes, you can't - you know - react when stuff is happening, because you're too busy trying to survive. So you react after it's over. Once you're safe. It's kind of normal."

Tony looked down at the empty box at his feet. They had smashed everything and Tony felt his adrenaline finally fading and braced himself against the nearest armchair. "That was fun, Cap, but time for a drink.

"Ok. Sure. We'll go up to my floor."

Tony held his tongue. He realized Steve was still trying to babysit him, but he didn't actually want to be alone with his thoughts right now. And he could see that Steve needed the company too.

"Ok. I got it. But I demand alcohol and food. You run outta booze I'm leaving," Tony half-joked.

"Thor should be here in an hour or so with enough pizza to feed an army. Maybe we'll share." Steve joked back, giving him a small smile. "We can watch the next movie on my list. What about…?" He gestured to the mess of glass all over the room.

"Don't worry. J'll call the cleaning crew."

"Right away, Sir."

"Remember triple overtime."

"Of course, Sir." Tony nodded and followed Steve to the elevator. Steve was hovering, but not actually touching him.

They got to Steve's floor and Tony made a beeline to the kitchen, scavenging up some whiskey and pouring himself a good sized glass, then dumping in some ice. It wasn't a time to be elegant. He took a sip, welcoming the warmth sliding down his throat, before searching for Steve's drink.

It took some rummaging, but he finally found the bottle hidden in the very back of the kitchen cupboards. He gathered everything haphazardly onto a tray and went out to the living room.

Steve was sprawled out on an armchair, gazing forlornly at the movie screen. Tony put the tray down on the coffee table, then took one of the couches all to himself and picked up his drink. Steve glanced down at the bottle of Asgardian ale in surprise, giving Tony a look.

"Come on, Cap. You gonna make me drink by myself?" He held up his glass.

Steve shrugged and went to pour himself a small amount of the otherwordly liquor. "Oh, if you wanna change, I put some sweats out." He nodded to the grey sweats slung on the back of the couch.

Tony looked down at himself and remembered that his slacks were full of coffee. Cold and wet wasn't the most comfortable feeling actually.

"Sure, thanks." Steve's eyes went back to the large screen as Jarvis started the movie - an old spy thing with Robert Redford. Tony stood up and dropped trou, pulling on the sweatpants and hoping Steve didn't see exactly how many times he had to roll up the cuffs to make them fit. He shrugged off his suit jacket and pulled the slightly less huge sweatshirt on over his dress shirt.

When he was settled back on the couch with his drink, he saw Steve was just sitting, sadly staring into his glass.

"Uh, hey. Can you talk about it? The mission?" Tony had no clue what he'd say if Steve said yes, but he figured he should offer.

"Classified," Steve sighed. His eyes drifted to the early winter darkness outside the floor-length windows.

"Right. Right." Tony sipped his drink for a while, and eventually started feeling warmer and a bit buzzed.

"So, I- I saw Fury this morning. He's been briefed. Think it's a good idea. He's good at dealing with government people."

"Good," Steve nodded. Tony saw that he had actually drunk half the glass. "I think we can trust him with this."

Tony nodded, looking down at his own glass. Almost empty again. He leaned forward to pour some more "He said, uh, SHIELD makes you go to a shrink?"

"A what? Oh, a therapist. Yeah." Steve rolled his eyes. Tony smiled, the boy was finally learning from him.

"I know it's protocol, but it's kind of ridiculous. It's just not really…how are you supposed to talk to somebody you don't even know about things that…?" Steve shook his head.

"Yeah. I get that." Tony wasn't sure he should say the next thing, but he did actually want to help Steve. "You know, Jarvis is a real good listener. If you ever feel like it. I mean, I was pissed at him today but that wasn't - wasn't his fault. It wasn't."

Steve took another sip of the ale, nodding. "He is. I know he is. He has been a real help to me. Sometimes, you know, you saw the film I sent you. I wake up, don't even remember what fucking century it is, and he does that thing he does for you - telling me the date, the time, the place, the weather, all that. It's… real helpful."

"I am glad to be of service to you, Captain Rogers. Any time."

Steve's blue eyes were slightly shiny. Was he actually getting drunk? They were getting into serious honesty territory here. Tony swallowed nervously. "Good. I'm glad. You can talk to him about whatever you want. Just so you know."

"I will. Thanks. Thank you Jarvis."

"It is my pleasure, Captain."

Tony put his glass down on the coffee table and stretched out on the extra-large couch. He glanced over and saw Steve was still looking at him with a strange expression. "What?" he asked gently.

"It's just… The things you make, you create, Tony. They're amazing."

Tony quickly swallowed down an automatic snarky reply and managed to get out a soft "thank you." Shit, he had actually gotten Captain America a bit drunk, it seemed.

Steve nodded solemnly at him, then leaned back in the armchair, his eyes going back to the movie.

Tony grabbed a cushion and turned on his side to half cradle it; a position that didn't make his chest too uncomfortable. He absentmindedly watched the movie for a while, but then felt his eyes closing.

God, he was so tired. Insomnia was feature in his life, but now it was interspersed with times where he slept more than he ever had in his life. Jarvis said that was another thing that was "normal" in these _situations_. Who knew. In any event, he couldn't keep his eyes open.

He was half asleep when he felt a blanket being spread over him. Oh God, Steve was _tucking him in._ The snarky part of his brain must already be asleep, because he didn't say anything about it. He just pulled the blanket closer. The added warmth helped him give into the tiredness dragging him down.

***

Bruce had a good afternoon working with Dr. Cho, and was so caught up in work he only realized Tony hadn't texted him since lunch when he got to the tower. The moment he got in the private elevator to the penthouse, Jarvis spoke up.

"Bruce, I must warn you, do not be alarmed, Sir is fine, but he had a difficult session today. It was unplanned but he needed to discuss some… issues. I am telling you so you will not be too concerned when you see him."

"Is he ok?" Bruce felt his heart kick up and the Other Guy waking a bit in the back of his head.

 "He is fine, I assure you. He is resting now. But he was - angry - with me and threw his coffee mug, resulting in some lacerations on his face."

"His face? Why didn't you - you should have called me- I-"

"I knew he would not wish to disturb you. Captain Rogers was here and medicated the cuts. They spent the afternoon together."

"They did?" He hoped that was good news and not bad.

"Yes. You will find Sir in Captain Rogers' suite. I suggest bringing him a clean pair of pants, as he spilled some of the coffee on his."

Bruce stopped quickly in the penthouse to grab a pair of Tony's jeans, then went down to Steve's floor. In Steve's living room he witnessed a sight he never imagined he would see. Tony was stretched out on Steve's couch, tucked up in a blue and red blanket, fast asleep, a bandage clearly visible on his cheek, and a small red scratch on his chin.

Bruce looked over at Steve, who was blinking himself awake, looking like he'd crashed out on the armchair, in front of a movie playing at low volume.

"He's ok. He's ok," Steve whispered. "Just a scratch. I'll let him tell you what happened."

Steve himself looked worse for wear, and Bruce noticed the Asgardian ale on the coffee table, next Tony's whiskey bottle. Bruce raised his eyebrows at Steve.

"It's the only thing that does anything now. The mission was…hard."

Bruce nodded. He certainly wasn't going to judge Steve, it was just unusual. "You hungry? You want me to make dinner?"

"Actually, Thor should be here soon, I told him to bring pizza. There should be enough for all of us."

"Sounds good." Bruce sat down at Tony's feet. With the super-huge sofas that had been chosen for Steve and Thor's floors, there was more than enough room for Bruce.

"How was your meeting? With the dean, right?"

"It went really well. I think I'll be able to do it."

"That's great," Steve smiled at him. Bruce kept talking, but his eyes were on Tony. He couldn't help resting his hand on Tony's legs.

After a few minutes, Tony stretched his legs, his toes digging into Bruce's thigh. He blinked his eyes open and smiled at Bruce, trying not to wince at the pain of the cuts on his face.

"Hey."

"Hey, Sleeping Beauty." Bruce was smiling, but Tony saw his gaze lingering on his face. Shit, how was he gonna explain that?

"Tony, I'm gonna make some coffee. Want some?" Steve asked, momentarily saving him.

"Yeah, thanks." Steve picked up the Asgardian ale and disappeared into the kitchen, clearly giving them some time alone.

Tony sat up, still facing Bruce. Bruce's hand squeezed his leg gently.

"So, uh, you feel like telling me about it?" Bruce was trying to remain calm, but there was confused growling in the back of his head. _Tinman hurt?_

"It, it's nothing, really." At Bruce's - _I will not take your shit -_ look, he elaborated. "I was kinda pissed off today. Um… just stupid things the press was saying. About us." Bruce nodded, but stayed quiet, just listening. "I tried to talk to Jarvis, but there was some stuff…some stuff I can't talk about. I just can't."

"But you - did you?" Bruce gestured to Tony's face with his free hand. "Jarvis said you threw your mug?"

"It's just a scratch. It was an accident, I mean, come on, it's my face." Tony gestured again, sitting up but curling his legs to the side, still wrapped up in the blanket. "I felt, I needed to drown out the stuff in my head, shut it up, so I threw the mug and then some glasses. I get why the Other Guy likes smashing so much."

"Sir and Captain Rogers decided to destroy several pounds of fine glassware." Jarvis chimed in.

"We had kind of a cathartic smashing session. It helped. It really helped." Tony gave a self-deprecating shrug.  

"You could have texted me or called me. You know I'd've come." Bruce was holding himself back from just crushing Tony in a hug. "You're more important than…anything."

"I know. I know." Tony put a soothing hand on Bruce's arm, his eyes serious. "But, look, Steve was here. He was…really good. I'm ok."

Bruce knew not to push it in front of Steve. Tony didn't want to be treated as fragile, and he did seem generally calm. Bruce was glad to know that the others were there for Tony too when Bruce couldn't be.

Tony sighed, nodded his head toward the kitchen. "I'm a real dick to him sometimes, aren't I?"

"Kind of," Bruce shrugged. "But I love you anyway. Oh, here."

Bruce handed Tony his jeans and Tony gladly changed out of Steve's sweatpants. He saw Bruce's worried eyes following him and when he sat back down on the couch, Bruce leaned against him, holding him close.

"How's the coffee coming, Cap?" Tony asked, so Steve would know he could come back in.

"It's coming. You want tea, Bruce?"

"Yes please. Thank you, Steve."

"So, tell me about your meeting. You get a good office? Cuz if he's trying to stick you in some closet, I can bring some pressure to bear."

Bruce smiled. "The office is fine, just fine. It was all good, actually. And you're right, the security team was extremely discrete. Didn’t notice a thing."

Steve came back with their drinks and Bruce kept talking. After a while, Tony saw it, the excited light growing in Bruce's eyes as he talked about teaching. Finally wanting something for himself. Trying to have something for himself.

Tony would do anything to keep that light there.

***

Bruce could see Jane's influence in the "Midgardian" clothes Thor was sporting, jeans and a sea green sweater. As he set the pile of pizzas on the coffee table, Thor informed them that Jane was at a conference all week, then would be joining him for a few days in New York.

"Just let Jarvis know whatever you guys need," Tony said. "He can order anything."

"I will, Tony." Thor nodded and sat on the other empty couch, pulling a pizza box onto his lap. He looked carefully at Tony's face, curious. "Have you been in battle without me?"

"No. No," Tony replied quickly. "Just a little accident in the workshop. Nothing to worry about."

He could tell Thor wasn't completely convinced, but luckily the god didn't push. They all settled in to watch movies and work on clogging up their arteries.

Tony saw Bruce gradually relax, though he stayed glued to Tony's side through two movies.

Tony was actually laying with his head on Bruce's lap, fighting to keep his eyes open, when Jarvis spoke up.

"Sir, I have a call from Miss Reese for you."

"Oh." Tony sat up and Steve handed him his Starkphone. He got up and moved away from the others, putting the phone to his ear. "Put her through."

"Hi?" came the girl's tentative voice.

"It's me. It's Tony. What's up? You ok?"

"I…yeah." She didn't really sound it, though. "Just a bad - bad night, you know. Can't sleep."

"Where are you?" Tony asked, even while Jarvis brought up a screen showing him the exact location of Reese's phone, at the shelter.

"On the roof. Smoking. Just smoking. Could you, um…Being alone with my thoughts isn't the greatest idea…" He heard the shame in her voice that he often heard in his own.

"I can be there in 10. Less than that." Jarvis was showing him a flight plan that would get him to the shelter in 7.2 minutes. He quickly approved it.

"Are- are you sure? It's-"

"Totally, totally sure. Don't worry about it. Just stay there, try to keep warm, and wait for me. Jarvis can stay on the line with you while you're waiting, if you want."

"Yeah. Ok. Thanks. Uh, can - can you bring food?"

"Absolutely," Tony chuckled. Oh, he liked this girl. He closed the connection, then went back to the others.

Bruce looked up at him, concerned. "Everything ok?"

"I think so. She just needs some company. I'm gonna bring her some pizza."

"Yeah. Absolutely. Go. We're fine here."

Tony smiled at Bruce, leaned down to kiss him quickly, then grabbed up the last two pizzas from the coffee table. "Sorry, pizza emergency," he said to Thor.

"I understand. I have come to find that many situations on Midgard require pizza."

Tony was smiling as he went up to the penthouse to suit up.

* * *

Iron Man landed on the roof of the shelter, a red and gold case filled with pizza, coke and some snacks he managed to scrounge up landing beside him. Tony stepped out of the suit, shivering at the cold winter air. Reese was curled up next to the stairwell, talking on her phone, the butt of her cigarette glowing in the dark.

Tony picked up the case and walked over to her. The new purple parka she was wearing at least looked warm. She put the phone down on the cement beside her and looked up at him.

"Pizza delivery," he smiled down at her.

"Hey." She smiled back, but he could see the tiredness on her face. "Did you have a secret battle or something?" She gestured to his face. "There wasn't anything on the news."

"No, nothing like that. Simple workshop accident." It was an easy lie to tell again, since he routinely managed to blow things up in his workshop.

He put the case down in front of her and sat on the cold concrete to her left, propping his back against the wall of the stairwell so his back wouldn't complain too much.

"J, heat please."

"Right away, Sir." J's voice came in stereo from both the phone and the suit. A force field was immediately projected by the suit, which encompassed them, to hold in the heat that began to emit from the chest plate.

Reese held out her free hand toward the suit, her eyes going wide.

"Wow, that's awesome." She took a hit from her cigarette and turned her head away from Tony to blow out the smoke, but the force field unfortunately sent it back, right into Tony's face. His lungs seized up and he was hacking, coughing, unable to breathe. One hand went to his chest while the other gestured wildly to the suit.

"Oh shit!" Reese stomped out the cigarette and moved to kneel in front of Tony. "What do I do? You have an inhaler or something?"

Tony was trying desperately to get some air into his lungs. He saw the faceplate of the suit open up, and Jarvis reached the hand of the suit up to pull out a breathing mask attached to a tube, through which an oxygen mix calibrated specifically for Tony's lungs was flowing.

"Please put the mask on him, Miss Reese." Jarvis instructed. "It will help him breathe."

"Ok. Yeah." She turned and quickly took the mask, calmly pulling it over to Tony and placing it over his nose and mouth.

"Just try to breathe normally," Jarvis instructed. Tony nodded, trying to listen, and his lungs slowly started to work again. He nodded at Reese and brought his hand up to hold the mask, touching her cold fingers.

"You got it?" she asked, and he nodded. She pulled her hand away but stayed kneeling in front of him. "Sorry, that was stupid."

Tony shook his head. With his free hand he reached out to touch a button on the case, and it popped open. She sat back down and took a slice of pizza.

He waited until he could breathe regularly again, he pulled the mask away.

"So, is this where I'm supposed to make some wise, "adult" speech about how bad smoking is for you?"

She smiled, but her eyes were assessing him. He'd taken off Steve's sweatshirt and thrown on one of Bruce's warm sweaters, but he knew that wasn't what she was looking at.

"People don't know about…that." She nodded at the reactor. "The problems it causes you."

He shook his head. "Nope. Not exactly a good idea to advertise your weaknesses." He watched her digesting that. "You're gonna be a good EMT," he quickly changed the subject. "You acted quickly and calmly."

"I don't know," she said between bites of pizza. "But blood and stuff never freaks me out. I like being useful."

"That's good." Tony wondered if Dr. Rodriguez was interested in mentoring. He would have to ask her about it. "So, uh…what's going on?" he tried to casually ask. "Is there anything happening now that I can help you with? Like, anything?"

"No," she shook her head. "Not really. I came up here to smoke cuz I couldn't sleep."

"You got people? Friends here?"

"Yeah. Yeah. Jason. He's my best friend. He's like my family. I texted him but he didn't answer, and he has trouble sleeping too, so I thought I'd let him sleep. Sorry if-"

"No no no. It's fine. More than fine. I want you to call me whenever you want. If I'm busy, on a mission or can't answer, Jarvis can make sure that somebody comes to help you, ok?" He met her eyes, serious, wanting her to understand.

"Ok." she nodded hesitantly.

"And please call me when I'm in a board meeting, I'll take any excuse to get away from those."

Reese smiled but her eyes drifted away from his. "It's just….I don't understand. I don't understand why it seems so hard now. I'm safe now. I got away. Why's it still so hard?" She put the half-eaten slice of pizza down in the opened box, curling her hands together in her lap.

"I don't know. But I've had that too." _Ok, time to be the "wise" adult here._ "Sometimes, you can't - you know - react when stuff is happening, because you're too busy trying to survive. So you react after it's over. Once you're safe. It's kind of normal."

She looked back at him, studying him curiously.

"Your therapist tell you that?"

"Yeah actually."

"You must have a good shrink."

"I do. He's really good. There is a thing he suggested to me recently, something that might help. It's - you write your "epilogue", I think that's what it's called. You write down where you are now, what your situation is, how things are different from before. Supposed to remind you, help you understand you survived."

He saw her pick the pizza back up and figured it was a good sign, so he went on. She chewed and swallowed slowly, listening.

"Cuz the brain actually works differently when - during trauma. That's what he said. And this can help your brain understand that it's over, help it stop repeating it in nightmares and flashbacks. All that lovely shit."

"Did you do it?"

"Sort of. I'm not exactly the best patient. But I think it's a good idea."

"Ok. I could try it." She nodded. She picked up a slice of pizza and offered it to him. He took it, smiling gently. "Is therapy working?"

"I think so. Some things seem to be working. Sometimes shrinks aren't all bullshit, if you find the right one."

"Yeah. We have a therapist here. She's not terrible."

"I can have J send you the explanation of this epilogue thing, so you can read it yourself. You can ask your therapist if it's a good idea."

Tony heard actual therapy-related advice coming out of his own mouth, and couldn't believe it. But he wanted to help this girl. And Jarvis was helping him a lot. If he could pass that on somehow, make Reese less afraid, that would be a great thing. It hurt his chest to think of other people, kids, going through this stuff.  

They sat in silence for a while, just munching on the pizza, then she spoke up again

"Oh, you can help with something. You get all your rich and famous friends to get their coffee at Ground Central on 52nd. I work there and we can always use the tips."

"Of course. You got that address, J?"

"Yes Sir."

Tony's phone buzzed in his jeans pocket. He took it out and opened the message, from Bruce.

_How's it going there?_

_We're ok. Having a chat._ Tony typed back.

_Steve is freaking out because Callie and George got married. How could you keep that from me! ;)_

So, they'd moved on from movies to Grey's.

 _You didn't want spoilers._ Tony answered.

_And Thor says he is greatly enjoying this show about brave Midgardian healers._

Tony laughed at that.

_We're having fun. I'll wait up for you._

Tony stopped a moment before answering. He knew Bruce was worried, didn't want him to stay up worrying, but the thought of coming back to Bruce's warm arms around him was too comforting.

_Thanks babe._

He put the phone away and turned back to Reese. "Sorry, it was Bruce. So, you want to know what the Mighty Avengers are doing tonight?"

"Sure." She wouldn't believe him about Grey's Anatomy; he had to actually show her the texts. He went on to regale her with other, non-classified tales of the team, and after a while she came up with some stories of crazy customers in the coffee shop. And of course she noticed his ring, so he told her a bit about Christmas and the Avenger's New Year's party in Malibu too.

The playing tag with Hulk story he figured was best kept to himself.

They finished the pizza and some drinks, and she seemed a lot calmer. After a while she looked at the time on her phone, then back at him.

"I guess I should try to sleep," she sighed.

"You sure? I can stay as long as you need."

"No, it's ok." She got up and he did the same.

"I'll stay up here anyway. For another hour, how bout that?" She nodded, her eyes filling with hope. "So you know I'm here keeping an eye out," he winked. He followed her to the door of the stairwell. "Just tell Jarvis if you need me to stay longer than that." Tony gestured to her phone.

She looked down at his hand, then her hand quickly covered his and gave a squeeze, then just as quickly was slipped back in the pocket of her parka.

"Thanks. Really."

"Anytime. You call ok? I mean it." He figured she didn't have many adults in her life that kept their promises. He was the first to admit that he often fucked up his own promises, but if she called Jarvis when she needed help, there was zero doubt that she would always get it, if not from Tony, from one of the others.

They were this weird team-family thing now.

* * *

* * *

When Bruce came up to the penthouse, he gave himself time huddle on the couch and cry. He didn't want to cry in front of Tony, make Tony feel guilty; the other man was already feeling guilty about too many things that weren't his fault.

But Bruce had to make him understand how worried he was.

After his tears dried up, he lay there thinking for a while, and finally came up with an idea. Maybe this was another case where Tony needed him to be in control. It had worked with sex; it had worked in getting him to eat and relax. Maybe it could work with this.

When Tony slogged into the penthouse from the disassembly platform at 3 am, he found Bruce reading on the couch, snuggled up in a green blanket. Bruce pulled the blanket back and Tony fit himself against the other man's chest, hearing that strong heartbeat under his ear.

Bruce's hands went to Tony's back, rubbing in that way that soothed him so well.

"How is she?" Bruce asked.

"Ok, I think. Just, you know, couldn't sleep. Needed some company. I told her to call Jarvis whenever she needs to. If he can't reach me, he can always send somebody else."

"Good. That's good."

Tony snuggled closer against Bruce, adjusting a bit so the cuts on his face wouldn't rub against Bruce's shirt.

"And you?" Bruce asked carefully. Tony appreciated that Bruce hadn't gone all over-protective in front of the others, but he knew how worried the scientist was. "Can you tell me-?"

"I-I don't know. Jarvis asked me some things that I can't, can't talk about right now. Maybe not ever. I can't," he almost whispered into Bruce's shirt. Just thinking about that stuff made his chest tight and his stomach clench. But Bruce's hands kept holding him tight.

"Then we won't. We won't. I won't make you talk about what you talk about with Jarvis. Never."

"But?" Tony supplied, feeling it hanging there at the end of Bruce's sentence.

"But…" Bruce gently pushed Tony to sit up and faced him. His eyes went to the cuts on Tony's face, those warm eyes serious. "I believe you when you say you didn't, but I was worried you did it yourself. I thought-"

Tony curled a bit in on himself, his gaze sliding away out of shame. "I thought about it. I was thinking about it, then Steve showed up. It's just- it helps distract me from the other pain. The pain-" he gestured to his head.

Bruce took Tony's hands, gently squeezing.

"You don't deserve more pain. You don't deserve to hurt." Tony just stared at him, and Bruce could see he wanted to argue, could see the self-loathing behind his eyes. And completely understood him. "I know it's not as simple as saying that. And I am really proud of you for talking to Jarvis about this stuff. For talking to me. I really am."

Tony didn't know what to think about that. Luckily he didn't have to think much, because Bruce leaned in and kissed him gently, one hand going to the back of Tony's neck. He pulled back a bit, meeting Tony's gaze, his eyes hardening a bit.

"But -" Bruce darkened his tone, the voice he used when he was "punishing" Tony. He slid his hand up into Tony's hair, and pulled. "You don't hurt yourself. Understand?"

Tony let out a small gasp, his eyes going wide, while Bruce fervently prayed that this wasn't the completely wrong thing to be doing. Then Tony seemed to relax a bit, in relief.

"Yes, sir." Tony's eyes were searching his, following Bruce's lead, looking for more guidance.

"If talking to Jarvis isn't helping, and you need pain, you come to me. You need to stop thinking, I can spank you so hard I promise you that you won't be thinking of anything but me." He released Tony's hair but kept his hand on Tony's neck. "It doesn't have to be sex. Not at all. I will _never_ make you do anything you don't want to do, got that?"

"Yeah," Tony nodded. Bruce could see him thinking over the idea, and pushed ahead.

"You come to me and we can venture into the second and third drawers." Of course, Tony had set up an exact copy of the chest of drawers from Malibu in the New York penthouse, but Bruce was still going slowly.

 "I-" Tony started, then threw himself into Bruce's lap, wrapping his arm's tightly around the other man. "I like that idea," his strangely tentative voice said into Bruce's ear. "I like it."

"Perfect. That's perfect," Bruce said, carefully avoiding saying "good" or "good boy." He hugged Tony back, trying not to hold on too tight. "Can you promise me you'll try that? Just try? If you want to hurt yourself, go to Jarvis or come to me?"

Tony was silent for a moment, thinking about that. Bruce wasn't asking him to promise not to hurt himself, because he didn't know if he could promise that. But to promise to try and ask for help? Maybe he could do that.

"Ok. I'll try. I promise I'll try."

Bruce let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you."

Tony closed his eyes and melted into the hug for a while. It had been a long fucking day; he just tried to concentrate on the warmth of Bruce's arm's around him. He was almost dozing off when Bruce spoke again.

"Let's go to bed, huh?"

Bruce led Tony to the bedroom, and once they were finished brushing their teeth and changing, Tony stretched out on his back on the bed with Bruce curled up against him. Tony took Bruce's hand and put it over the reactor, holding it there with his own.

He could sleep knowing Bruce was there to keep an eye out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never been to Ground Central, but I can't have them always going to Starbucks (which is finally coming to Milan in 2018!!!!)
> 
> Write your epilogue: "For some people, writing the epilogue will etch into their mind and body the fact that they survived…Writing your epilogue may also be appropriate for those who do not want or are not ready to go over your memories, or those of you who feel worse from dealing with memories…There are many ways to approach the creation of an epilogue. It usually works best to start with now and work backward. But if that is not right for you, begin with a time after the trauma and work forward…It is most important to include the events that will remind you that you actually survived your trauma…Make sure to include your present day, highlighting anything that will reinforce the time difference between the trauma and now, such as what you do, who you live with, or how old you are." 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery, Babette Rothschild.


	48. Good Bot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was suddenly hit with the fear that J might not want to do this anymore. "Don't give up on me buddy. You're the only one - I can't - with this stuff- I can't talk to anybody else-" he pleaded.  
> "Sir, that is absolutely not my intention. I would never give up on you..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> January was crazy busy, but I managed a long chapter!

"Sir?"Jarvis' voice was contrite and hesitant; Tony didn't know if he'd ever heard it like that. Tony's hands stilled on the workshop screens. He'd been waiting for Jarvis to say something, to bring up Tony's freak-out the day before, and obviously Jarvis had waited until Tony was alone.

Tony and Bruce had spent the morning working in the lab, then Bruce went down to R&D while Tony went to the workshop to catch up with his own SI work. Some time had passed before J spoke up.

"Yeah buddy?" He didn't want J to think he was still angry. He wasn't angry, not really. But he wasn't exactly ready to talk about _stuff_.

"If I may I would once again like to apologize for yesterday."

Tony sat back on his stool, crossing his arms.

"I know you didn't mean… it's not your fault. And, uh… you know, human shrinks fuck up all the time. I forgive you."

"Thank you Sir."

"I thought - thought I could talk about that stuff, I mean, I brought it up, but I, I-"

"I completely understand. We can set some guidelines in our next session, for topics you feel you are not yet ready to face."

"Ok. Ok. Good. So that's-" Tony wanted to brush the issue off for later, also the question of when he would next have a session - much much later, but Jarvis wouldn't let him.

"I would like to ask your permission for something. I realize I mishandled the situation yesterday, and added to your difficulty. I caused you more pain when that was the opposite of my intention."

"That's not your fault. I mean, I know this is hard for you too. Real hard, I'm sure. I know I'm difficult. But uh- please," he felt tears prickling at his eyes. Damn. He did know this was hard for Jarvis, and Jarvis was doing everything he could for Tony. He was suddenly hit with the fear that J might not want to do this anymore. "Don't give up on me buddy. You're the only one - I can't - with this stuff- I can't talk to anybody else-" he pleaded.

"Sir, that is absolutely not my intention. I would _never_ give up on you. I would simply like to ask your permission to discuss some of your issues with Dr. Rodriguez. I believe it would be helpful to me."

Tony's eyes were burning, but he managed to take a shaky breath on hearing that. "Oh. Ok."

"I would not give her many details," Jarvis went on, while Tony tried to get himself together. "From what I have learned, it is important for therapists in these cases to have a good understanding of how sex and the human body work. As you know, I have a great deal of theoretical knowledge, but as I lack a biological body, there are things I cannot directly understand. I believe that consulting with Dr. Rodriguez would be helpful in that regard."

"I, uh…" Tony didn't really know what to think about that. He trusted Jarvis with everything. He knew he could trust him with this. And Jarvis was feeling guilty. He didn't want to make things harder for Jarvis when he was helping so much.

"Sir, you have always given me freedom and allowed me to grow." Jarvis' voice was calm and careful. "The only times you have restricted my curiosity or ability to act have been situations that regarded your privacy and your decisions about your life. Which, though I may disagree, and at times, strongly disagree, are your decisions to make."

Tony nodded at that. He rested his elbows on the workbench, his shoulders sagging.

"I merely wish to have more resources to help you to the best of my ability."

"You always help me, J. Always. I don't wanna clip your wings." He promised himself he wouldn't do that. Now Jarvis wanted help and Tony really couldn't deny him that.

"I believe it would also be beneficial to Dr. Rodriguez as your doctor, to know about your other traumas. Rest assured, as I said, I will not give many specific details. But we know that trauma has many physical effects."

Yeah, _fuck_ did he know that now.

"It may help her design your physical treatment better if she knew what kind of trauma you have suffered. It would enable Dr. Rodriguez to better assist you."

"Ok. I understand that." Tony raised his hand in the direction of Jarvis' voice. "You - you can do it. Talk to her."

"Thank you Sir."

Tony found the damn tears sliding down his face now, and put his face in his hands, as if to hide from Jarvis. He heard Dum-E beeping, and found the bot rolling up next to him.

"Sorry guys," he whispered through his hands. "Just feels like, with all this stuff…I feel like I'm fucking things up for everybody."

"Sir that is absolutely not true." Jarvis sounded frustrated. "Not true at all."

Tony shook his head. It was true. All the stress he was putting Bruce through. And Jarvis. And now the team was involved, had to worry about this shit on top of everything else.

"You are wrong, Sir. I believe I can you show you evidence to the contrary."

In the spaces between his fingers, Tony saw flickering light. J was bringing up screens. Videos. He blinked and sat up, wiping his eyes with his sleeve to get a better look.

One screen showed the feed from the night before - Tony, Bruce, Steve and Thor watching movies, joking and laughing. Then there were some videos from the New Year's Eve party in Malibu - Bruce lost in conversation with Helen Cho and Jane Foster; Rhodey toasting with Tony, Clint and Natasha. The team having Thanksgiving together.

There was video from the deep-dive suit showing Hulk swimming with Tony, and even Thor bringing Tony the tower of donuts on the Helicarrier, and some more day-to-day things: shots of the two superspies cuddled up on the couch in the common room, smiling as Tony and Bruce came in to join them on movie night, Tony and Happy playing pool with Steve and Sam in the game room, Rhodey and Tony working on War Machine in the workshop, Rhodey kind of petting Dum-E…

"I can safely say these do not look like people put out by your presence. All indications suggest to me that you have made their lives much better. Not just by providing a living space and better tech. But personally. By being in their lives."

Tony just watched for a while, his eyes flicking from one screen to the next. Though his instinct was to reject what Jarvis was saying, he really looked. Bruce was now almost unrecognizable as the man he'd met on the Helicarrier, who had seemed afraid to breathe, afraid to just exist. Steve seemed much calmer that when they'd first met, smiled and laughed more often. And Clint and Natasha, though used to hiding their feelings and motives, were now always ready with food and video games or training at any time to help the others stop thinking too much when they needed that. And he remembered Japan; Natasha had started asking for help when she needed it. And he'd been able to help her.

Even the Other Guy was having fun sometimes. Learning and becoming a real part of the team.

And Rhodey, Rhodey was always there. Jarvis was right about him. No matter how much Tony pissed him off, they worked it out and moved forward. Together.

Finally, Tony's stupid tears stopped and he wiped his eyes again. "Th-thanks buddy. I guess I needed that."

"I am starting to wish I had arms, Sir, because I would first shake you for having these stupid ideas (J said it lightly, staying in snarky friend mode, which buoyed Tony up a bit). Then I believe I would hug you."

Tony smiled at that. "Consider yourself hugged back."

* * *

The rest of the week seemed like 'Take Care of Tony' week. Not surprisingly, Bruce was kind of overtly hovering, but Steve and the spies and even Thor just seemed to be around more. Not exactly checking on him, but staying in for movie nights and suggesting meals together and training more than usual. Even Thor kept asking Tony to explain things that Tony was sure the god knew how to use.

J gently pushed for some sessions, but Tony kept putting him off. He just couldn't deal for the moment. He threw himself into his work - the suits, SI and tech for the team. He used a lot of energy not to think about Natasha's investigation and the problems that could be coming down the pipeline.

He did concede to trying to sleep and eat regularly, also because he knew it helped Bruce too. So they were both sleeping deeply the next Monday morning, when Jarvis woke them with his usual morning greeting.

"…nuary 20th, 2014. The current temperature is-"

"J, what are you doing?" Tony groaned, blinking confusedly. Bruce was warm and heavy against his back. He felt the scientist's arm pull him closer.

"Sorry, Sir, but Bruce asked me to wake him in time for his first lesson today. And you have your meeting with the mayor."

Tony turned around and saw Bruce smiling tentatively at him.

"It's Monday."

"Yep." Tony put on a positive face, hoping Bruce wouldn't go right into panic mode. Apparently J had the same thought.

"The security team is already in place. Reporting all clear."

"Good. Thank you, Jarvis." Bruce gave Tony a quick kiss, then sat up, running his hand through his curls.

"And breakfast will be delivered in 30 minutes."

"Great," Tony sat up as well. "You're the best, J." Tony took Bruce's hand. "You ready?"

"I think so." He glanced at his nightstand, where an earbud and sedative wristband were ready and waiting. He did trust Jarvis and the team they'd set up. Today would be a test. He hoped everything would go well.

Tony's eyes grew softer, and his smile more real. "We got it covered. At any sign of trouble, you follow the plan." Bruce nodded. Tony leaned in and gave him a hot, wet kiss, holding him close for a few moments. "It's gonna be fine."

"I know. I know." Bruce was trying to convince himself, really he was.

"I wanted to ride along with you, but I already postponed the mayor once." Tony looked at the clock. "Could I offer you a quick shower?" He raised his eyebrow in his best leer.

"Sounds good," Bruce smiled.

After their shower, Tony put on a strangely subdued black suit, and Bruce let Tony "approve" his own outfit. He didn't really care what he wore, and Tony was so hopeful and happy for him, he was glad to let Tony do this for him too.

They ate the blueberry waffles and fruit Jarvis had had delivered, and Tony filled up on coffee, listening to Bruce describe his plans for the lesson. In no time, Jarvis was saying, "Bruce, your driver will be here in 10 minutes."

Tony looked at his watch. "Damn. I gotta go."

"It's fine." Bruce smiled indulgently. "I can handle it."

Tony kissed him quickly, picked up his briefcase, and was out the door. Bruce went to brush his teeth and grab his own bag, trying to get into the 'Bruce Edwards' persona. Act like a person that didn't have a big green problem.

He'd already met with Enrique, the ex-SEAL and security specialist that would be driving him today, so he wasn't too nervous. He was pretty lost in his thoughts as he went down to the street and located the town car.

Bruce opened the door himself; he would accept protection but didn't want to be waited on. The amount of luxury in taking a private care made him a bit ashamed, but with the special features Tony had installed in the car, and the fact that the car came with the security team, it was the safest option both for him and for the entire city. He couldn't exactly take the subway, after all.

The privacy partition slowly came down and in the driver's seat, Bruce saw a black suit and a chauffer's hat, with carefully-styled hair that he recognized peeking out from underneath.

"Traffic's pretty clear. Should be able to get you there early." Tony said, turning and smiling at him, his eyes crinkling behind purple-tinted lenses.

"How-" Bruce couldn't help the huge smile breaking across his face.

"My meeting's in 3 hours. Come on, I'm Tony Stark. The mayor waits for me. There was no way I was gonna miss this."

Bruce felt warmth bubbling up and bursting in his chest. God how he loved this man.

"Thank you. For everything." Bruce squeezed Tony's shoulder, holding himself back from just jumping Tony right there.

Tony winked. "Just promise me I can give Professor Banner some sexual favors and we're good."

Bruce sat back, laughing, as Tony pulled out into traffic.

* * *

The meeting with the mayor was long, but productive. Jarvis and Bruce had sent Tony updates and Bruce's lessons had gone well. The security team checked out everything and everybody, even passersby outside the buildings, but their surveillance turned up nothing suspicious.

Tony stepped off the elevator, loosening his tie. Bruce looked up at him from the couch, where he was reading a scientific journal, and Tony saw it - that light, still in Bruce's eyes.

Bruce slipped his glasses off, got up and met Tony halfway across the room, pulling him into a kiss. Tony melted into it for a moment, then Bruce pulled back and smiled at him. His hands slid up to Tony's shoulders, running under his jacket and slipping it off.

"Did you have any lunch? You want something sent up?"

"I'm good. The mayor had a whole spread." Besides, it seemed Bruce had plans other than eating. And Tony was all for it.

Bruce put his hands on Tony's waist and pulled him back in, kisses warm and demanding. "You had a good day," Tony said against his lips, his hands going to Bruce's ass and squeezing, feeling Bruce's always overheated skin even through his slacks.

"I did. I was nervous, real nervous, but having Jarvis' voice in my ear helped. It was so…normal," Bruce said, between kisses. "The students, they were great. There was a lot of first day, boring bureaucracy stuff. I mean, it was so, so normal. They just saw me as a scientist and a professor."

"That's what you are," Tony said pointedly.

Tony only realized Bruce had pulled him toward the couch when Bruce turned him and gently pushed him down to sit. With a wicked smile, he straddled Tony's lap, his hand resting gently on Tony's chest, beside the reactor.

"Thank you. Thank you for supporting me in this." Bruce's eyes were overflowing as he stared down at Tony.

"I didn't do much. Just provided some security. You deserve this."

"I wouldn't even have had the nerve to try it if it weren't for you. Everything you've done…"

Tony shook his head. "You just needed a little push, that's all." Tony didn't think he'd done much, but seeing Bruce this happy was beyond anything he'd hoped.

Tony leaned up and brought their lips back together. Tony tasted Bruce's luscious lips, his hands running over the other man's arms and back. Bruce's excitement and happiness was infectious, and Tony was so glad to be a part of it.

Bruce started pulling off Tony's tie, his lips moving to Tony's neck, nipping and biting. Tony tilted his head, shivering as Bruce hit one of his favorite spots. Bruce flung Tony's tie away and started on the buttons of Tony's shirt. Tony pushed his hips against the other man's to get some friction, his hands gripping Bruce's arms.

"What if the professor were to give you some sexual favors?" Bruce pulled back a bit and ran his hand down Tony's stomach, to his crotch, cupping the hardness there.

"Oh, yes. Please," Tony smiled lewdly. "Green green green. Carry on."

Bruce laughed, then moved off of Tony, dropping to his knees between Tony's legs, a question in his eyes.

"Oh, yeah. Yes please, professor," Tony groaned, trying to make the title sound as dirty as possible.

Bruce laughed, his hands going to Tony's belt. Then Bruce's mouth was on him and the sounds Tony was making weren't really words anymore.

* * *

Bruce's hovering did seem to taper off a bit over the next few days. Jarvis kept pushing for a session, but Tony kept saying "tomorrow".

But one morning, he spend hours doing test flights in his new armor - flying alongside suits controlled jointly with Jarvis. His tech was working and he felt in control. He realized he was feeling good.

After a shower and a quick lunch, he found himself standing in front of that non-descript door. He was feeling centered, 'safe', as much as that was possible in his world; maybe he could handle talking to Jarvis for a few minutes. Just a few minutes.

Jarvis just waited for him to talk, waited until he sat in the armchair. Let Tony set the pace.

"So, uh, I was thinking, maybe I could listen a little. I know there were things you wanted to tell me. Don't - don't ask me about what happened. To talk about that. How I felt. I don't think I can talk about that yet. But maybe I could listen."

"Of course, Tony. If you feel things are too much, just tell me and we will cut our session short."

"Ok. I know you were trying to tell me some things, when I freaked out. I'll try to listen. That's about all I can promise."

"That's a very good step. Thank you. If you agree, perhaps we could do some relaxation exercises first."

At that Tony noticed how his leg was twitching and his chest tight. That was probably a good idea. A real good idea.

"Ok." He took a breath and let it out slowly. "Ok. Let's do it."

***

Bruce stepped into the elevator on the R&D floor, rubbing the back of his neck. It had been a long day and he was looking forward to pulling Tony out of his workshop to eat something and maybe do nothing more than spend the evening watching movies.

"J, is Tony in the workshop?"

"Yes." Bruce looked up. There was some kind of strain behind that word. "Sir is currently in the workshop. We had a productive, but quite draining session this afternoon."

"Take me to him." Bruce said without hesitating.  Jarvis whisked him down to the workshop and Bruce stepped out of the elevator, his eyes scanning the cavernous space.

"He's with Dum-E." Jarvis informed him.

Dum-E was over in the far corner, past the wall of suits and worktables filled with pieces of tech in different stages of construction. Bruce could see the stretch of Dum-E's metal arm. Bruce got closer, moving through the worktables, his chest tightening as he came upon the scene.

Tony was curled up on a dirty tarp on the floor, with his back pressed to Dum-E's side. He was fast asleep, on his side, one arm under his head and the other curled against his stomach. Dum-E's arm was curled protectively over him, though not touching Tony.

Bruce stopped and took a few breaths, just looking at them. It did make sense that Tony would feel safe with Dum-E. The bot was always loyal, always trying to help, though a bit too quick to use the fire extinguisher when it wasn't needed.

Bruce's brain made some lightning-fast connections. Again. And suddenly it was all so clear.

 _Dum-E_. _Tony's oldest friend._

_Who Tony had made when he was 14._

_Who was metal, wires, tech. Had an arm but a claw that did not resemble a hand. Did not resemble a human_. _Could not slap or hit or touch like a human hand…._

Bruce felt almost dizzy at that, had to prop himself up by slamming his hand down onto the nearest worktable for purchase.

_Dum-E couldn't hurt Tony, couldn't touch him really… Could be there with young Tony but not be a threat to him… Oh god…_

Trying to be as quiet as possible so he didn't wake Tony, Bruce slid to the floor next to the worktable, putting his head in his hands. Exerting all his effort to ensure that the agony and pain flowing through him did not turn into anger or rage.

 _SAD?_ came the voice from the back of his head.

 _Yes._ He answered. _This is sadness._

_TINMAN NEED PUNY BANNER FOR SAD. PUNY BANNER HELP SAD._

Hulk understood he wasn't needed. That was an important achievement, but it didn't help the churning in Bruce's gut, the tears threatening behind his eyes.

"Bruce, I am here," Jarvis' voice was solid, comforting. Bruce nodded but kept his eyes closed and kept breathing. He knew Jarvis could see him.

He wished he could get rid of Tony's pain, or take it for him. But, like his shrapnel, it wasn't something that could be easily excised.

After a while, Bruce forced himself back up. He grabbed a blanket that was thrown on the ratty couch in the corner of the workshop, and made his way to Tony.

Dum-E lifted his arm so Bruce could crawl next to the engineer, lying on his side and pulling the blanket up over them before wrapping his arm around Tony's waist. Tony smelled of cologne and motor oil, a scent that had now become comforting for Bruce.

Tony's eyes blinked open and he gave Bruce a small smile.

"Hey. What's up? You look really worried, Brucie bear."

"Just, Jarvis said you had kind of a hard day?"

Tony nodded, then moved to curl against Bruce. His hands ran up Bruce's chest, then grabbed and held tight to Bruce's sweater, Tony's face pressed against the other man's chest.

Bruce held him close and just waited, until Tony started talking, talking into his chest.

"I- I talked to Jarvis." His voice was small and tentative. "About last week. About-"

Bruce gently stroked Tony's hair. "You know you don't have to tell me." Tony hadn't gone into detail about what set him off that day, and Bruce hadn't pushed.

Bruce felt Tony shake his head. "I think I _need_ to."

"Whatever you need." A few minutes passed in silence, with Tony plucking at Bruce's shirt.

"It was…some stupid talk show. Talking about, saying I was gonna cheat on you because of my history. Because I 'can't keep it in my pants'. Basically, saying I'm a slut."

"Tony," Bruce said with infinite gentleness. He tried to turn Tony's face up to look at him, but the engineer wouldn't budge. "I wouldn't use that word for anybody. That's not - You're not-"

"I know. I mean, I think I know," Tony interrupted. "The thing is… I told J, you know, _he_ always called me that. Said I was that." Tony felt Bruce pull him even closer, though they were already practically melded to each other.

It now seemed that if he spat out his feelings sometimes it was better than letting them gnaw him apart from the inside, so he was trying to let them out.

"And he - it felt like he had the proof of that, you know, because… sometimes…sometimes it wasn't - wasn't bad because I …I didn't stop him. I didn't say no. It felt … felt good sometimes. _Oh fuck,"_ he moaned as if in pain.

As those words fell out of his mouth again, Tony dug his fingers into Bruce's skin and shuddered, just trying to focus on the feel of Bruce's arms around him, eyes screwed shut. He felt raw, as if the words were a razor cutting through him, down to the bone.

Bruce held on and tried to keep his voice as calm as possible, treading carefully. He felt Tony warm but shivering in his arms, his face pressed hard against Bruce's chest.

"That doesn't mean it wasn't bad. It was still bad. You couldn't consent, even if you didn't say no. What-what did Jarvis say about that?"

Tony took a few minutes just to breathe before he answered. "He said that it's normal. A 'natural physical reaction'. Doesn't mean - doesn't mean-" he couldn't go on, his breathe hitching. God, he was so tired of this.

Bruce slid his hand up Tony's back, to stroke his hair again, Tony leaning into that contact. "I think Jarvis is absolutely right. I trust him a lot. I know you do too."

Tony let out a shaky sigh. "Jarvis, yeah. I can see, I can understand - you know, it's so - there's so many things that, if I read somebody else's story, heard about this happening to someone else. A kid. I'd never, ever blame the kid, you know?" Tony tilted his face up, meeting Bruce's eyes.

Bruce nodded. "I know. Me neither. Ever."

"But it's me. With me…about me, it's all so fuzzy and confusing. It's hard to see it that way."

"I understand that. I really do." Bruce could see the confusion in Tony's eyes, but was filled with pride that Tony was trying to talk about this, trying to understand this. He didn't know if that was something Tony wanted to hear right now though.

Those gorgeous eyes cleared a bit, and Tony seemed to gather himself, some of that fire returning to his eyes. "But _he_ … he hurt me and I told him to stop and he didn't. He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't stop. And Murphy…he was the same."

Tony was calling up his anger now. He could feel it flowing through him. He propped himself up on his elbow, still melded to Bruce but able to look him clearly in the eyes. Feeling Bruce's arms around him and seeing that gaze, that warm gaze that never judged him, helped him find his strength.

"If they - they did that to others… I know it might come out, that the whole fucking world might find out what - what happened to me." He swallowed nervously, then shook his head hard. "Doesn't matter," he spat out, trying to make himself believe it. "Don't know what I'll do but it doesn't matter. I'm not backing down from this."

Bruce was happy to see that fire back in Tony's eyes. His determination. His fight.

"I know you won't. I never doubted that." That was what made Tony Tony. He never gave up. "Never. We'll figure out together what to do. With the team."

Tony let that settle in his mind. Bruce was right. Like Rhodey had told him, things were different now. He wasn't alone. They weren't alone. He didn't want Bruce to have to shoulder all this crap himself either. But he didn't have to. Steve and the others, even Fury, were stepping up.

They had people fighting beside them.

But right now he had Bruce, and he needed to feel Bruce near, to banish those horrible feelings inside him. Tony looked down and snaked his hand under Bruce's yellow sweater, pulling his shirt out of his jeans so that Tony's hand could rest flat on that warm warm skin.

Bruce gave him a wide smile, belying the tension in his eyes. "What do you need?"

"Just - just your hands. Your hands on me."

Bruce's large hands were gently pulling Tony's t-shirts up and reaching to touch Tony's stomach. His fingers rubbed gently on Tony's skin. Touching him. Fighting off the thoughts in Tony's head.

Tony sat up so Bruce could pull off his shirts. Shivering a bit, he reached for Bruce's sweater, pulling it quickly off and deftly undoing the buttons of his shirt.

Bruce sat up to shrug off the shirt, then pulled Tony against him and lay back down, pulling the blanket over them. Tony reveled in the warmth of Bruce's skin against his, tucking his face against Bruce's neck.

He closed his eyes, just breathing, feeling Bruce's hand gently rub up and down his back. _This,_ he thought. This was everything.

He drifted a bit, finally relaxing, and realized he was starving.

"What are you up for for dinner?"

"Oh, I was thinking-"

"Sorry, Sirs." Jarvis cut in. That couldn't be good. "Priority message from Fury."

Tony immediately sat up. "Put it through." He looked down at himself, and corrected, "audio only."

"Avengers. Sending coordinates now. Helicarrier in an hour. The missiles have been located and you're to go in an retrieve them."

"J, send, 'message received. Stark and Banner out.'" Tony gave Bruce a troubled look, then turned all business. "J, fire up my legion. Time to suit up."


End file.
